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Original poster

It’s a year in and… (sex related)

92 replies

Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 13:59

Hi all,

I’m anticipating a load of ‘leave now’ type responses so am bracing myself.

I (31) have been with my partner (36) for 14 months. We met shortly after my engagement abruptly ended (this is a whole other thread!) and have spent the past year having the best relationship of my life. Neither of us have DC and it’s been fun and games, lots of adventures covid-allowing, activities etc.

But I’m suddenly getting a massive wobble now we’ve reached the year mark and am constantly questioning things. I’ve never had a relationship last past the two years and I’ve almost convinced myself that I’m just not cut out for long term and that I should just stay on my own and casually date. My last relationship ending the way it did was bruising to say the least but I picked myself up.

One of the issues that I keep circling back to is that DP doesn’t seem that interested in sex. Especially not during my period as he finds it off-putting. I decided earlier on in our r’ship that this wasn’t a dealbreaker but now it’s dawning on me that we don’t have much.

As someone who takes good care of themselves (as does he) this is really perplexing to me. He’s been working on the other side of the country since restrictions lifted and after a two week absence he’s been back for 4 days, I’m on my period and… nothing in that department. I’m starting to feel rejected and worried we’re turning into mates. Or that something dodgy has occurred and he’s being dishonest. This is fuelling my fears about us even more and it’s entirely new territory to me. I’ve never had a partner with whom sex doesn’t happen very regularly with so I’m.. stuck. I should add that we’re not fighting, either and have been otherwise back to normal since he returned.

I also don’t know how to broach this in a way that doesn’t feel like a massive dent to his pride. How to sensitively say ‘you don’t want to shag me so I’m feeling disconnected’ without sounding accusing…

Argh. So, wise people of mumsnet. What would you do in my shoes? I don’t know what’s going on but feel like I’m losing sight of something and I can’t shake this awful feeling. We’re trying to book some time away together as a lot of our time has been playing host to friends over the past few months and we’ve been reeeeeally busy. Just hoping this will help but I’m not sure :(

TIA

OP posts:
LittleBlackCat22 · 01/07/2021 15:19

I have very high sex drive and would have it 3-4 times a day if I could! But even I know that 2-3 times a week is pretty normal, even above average for a lot of people!

Original poster
Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 15:21

@LittleBlackCat22 normal for 14 months in and no kids? Genuinely interested

OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 01/07/2021 15:23

2-3 times a week is pretty normal, even above average for a lot of people!

After many years and DC, yes. A year in and no DC, less so.

LittleBlackCat22 · 01/07/2021 15:23

Yeah I think that’s pretty normal. 14 months if pretty settled if you ask me.

Holothane · 01/07/2021 15:25

The thought of sex (when I did have it) just no, but what about other times, has it got worse over time, yes I’m repeating others. But I’m 15 years down the line. I don’t want you in my boat years later.

SwimBaby · 01/07/2021 15:26

I think 2 to 3 times a week at 14 months is quite a lot. It sounds like you have mis matched sex drives.

Holothane · 01/07/2021 15:26

Sorry left out period.

Original poster
Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 15:27

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity this is what I’m leaning towards. It might be ‘normal’ for other people but they’re not us. And they have kids!

OP posts:
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 01/07/2021 15:28

It does seem pretty clear that, whatever others consider normal, you're not happy with this amount of sex at this stage in the relationship, OP. Only you can decide how big a deal that is for you.

Original poster
Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 15:33

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity I know. You’re right. It’s gutting

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 01/07/2021 15:40

Sounds like your sex drive is much higher than your partners, you can try explaining this to him, but I suspect he wouldn’t be completely comfortable with the amount of sex you want / ask for

Suzi888 · 01/07/2021 15:43

Two to three times a week sounds pretty good to me.
I wouldn’t want it that muchBlush too tired. If everything else is perfect and you are happy, but have a mismatched sex drive- would you consider toys for you…. Just a thought!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 01/07/2021 15:43

If you want sex daily then it's up to you to instigate it. You're OK with him not wanting period sex so why can't your wants and needs be considered too? If that doesn't work out then you need to consider how much of a deal breaker for you. Give it your best shot, he seems worth it.

OnASpoonEdge · 01/07/2021 15:45

That's only mildly interested? you must have a pretty high sex drive tbf

Shock

2-3 times a week. 30s, no kids and only together 14 months is really not loads. I'd say that was the low side of normal. The op isn't some sort of nympho. We manage 2-3 times a week, and we've been together decades and dh is late 40s and we have a few kids. I think that's pretty common in that scenerio.

Sunshineandflipflops · 01/07/2021 15:45

I don't mind period sex, neither does my dp but I know plenty of men and women who don't like it.

OnASpoonEdge · 01/07/2021 15:48

I think people are focussing on the period sex, as that's your current situation but I bet you'd be fine with it if things were otherwise OK.

Also 2/3 times a week isn't actually your average if you lose one week a month.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 15:51

@OnASpoonEdge

That's only mildly interested? you must have a pretty high sex drive tbf Shock

2-3 times a week. 30s, no kids and only together 14 months is really not loads. I'd say that was the low side of normal. The op isn't some sort of nympho. We manage 2-3 times a week, and we've been together decades and dh is late 40s and we have a few kids. I think that's pretty common in that scenerio.

I didn't say it was loads, i said 2-3 times a week doesn't scream "mild interest"
Chocaholic9 · 01/07/2021 15:53

Most of the men I've been with are happy to have sex during period.

This personally would bother me that he doesn't want it at any time.

JustAnotherOldMan · 01/07/2021 15:54

@OnASpoonEdge
Personally I think your quite lucky to be having 3 times a week with kids, I think that’s probably on the higher side of normal, you must have a strong relationship,

www.healthline.com/health/baby/how-often-do-normal-couples-have-sex
But your right if the OP isn’t happy, then needs to communicate this

Original poster
Flatwhitewhiner · 01/07/2021 15:56

@OnASpoonEdge thank you! I’m so surprised by the focus of other posters on period sex and agree that it feels on the low side of normal. I like it, some don’t. I’m not expecting anyone to change my attitude to it and he’s not under duress!

When you factor this in on top of the fact he works away etc etc I do feel like it’s lacking :(

OP posts:
isitsummertimeyet · 01/07/2021 15:57

as a guy, id be happy with 2/3 times a week, maybe more some weeks, not sure every single day though, not because i cant perform to that level but jesus, id wanna chill some nights, catch the footy/watch a movie, I dont feel i need to be nuts deep in someone all the time to show im into them 'literally'

He sounds a lucky guy tbh, not many women ive met have a sex drive even close to yours.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/07/2021 15:59

[quote Flatwhitewhiner]@OnASpoonEdge thank you! I’m so surprised by the focus of other posters on period sex and agree that it feels on the low side of normal. I like it, some don’t. I’m not expecting anyone to change my attitude to it and he’s not under duress!

When you factor this in on top of the fact he works away etc etc I do feel like it’s lacking :([/quote]
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what any of us think is a lot or normal etc if you're not happy with the situation and you feel its a deal breaker that's totally your prerogative

sergeilavrov · 01/07/2021 16:04

Under 30s have sex, on average, 112 times a year. 30-39 year olds have sex, on average, 86 times a year. That works out at a lot less than you have currently, suggesting that your partner has an above average sex drive or willingness to engage in sex. Statistically, your sex drive is an outlier, it’s significantly greater than the mean.

I hope that context helps. If you’re already struggling with your self esteem due to the short term nature of previous relationships, it’s possible you’ve buried some of that in desire and sex. I’d strongly advise speaking to a therapist who can help you effectively manage this. Once those issues are under control, you’ll be able to make a clear, informed choice about your relationship priorities.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 01/07/2021 16:05

My DH and I had similar issues, though we do have kids. I eventually mustered up the courage to talk openly about how it made me feel, he hadn't realised and thought he had a higher libido and was being respectful of my wishes. Plus a bit lazy. Anyway, it had mostly been poor communication and our situation has improved greatly since talking. Try having a talk with him, it might help.

wjg65ka · 01/07/2021 16:06

There's no way my DH would come near my while I'm on my period. Each to their own, but I'd respect him fully for this. It's not everyone's thing.

How often do you have sex?