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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

getting desperate. husband not talking to me and seems to hate my guts. Sorry long!

79 replies

weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:10

Things have been getting steadily worse between us over the last few years. Seem to boil down to one thing.
I am over weight. Not enormously but need to lose 3 stone. He hates it and has become more and more acrymonious about it. Mostly he doesn't tell me to my face. I have had times where his feelings are made known to me through text messages.

He was on garden leave in the summer and went to do some sailing in the algarve for a week. He kept telling me about this german woman who was gorgeous (he often goes on about beautiful women on tv/ in magazines to wind me up)
We had an text argument and he wouldn't talk to me for four days, in fact he wouldn't even talk to the dds who were very upset. Just before he came home he told me that he had tried to change his flights as he thought he was in with a "good chance of a fuck" but he couldn't change them.

Also said that if I didn't lose weight quickly he would leave. I did try but emotionally I am so fucked up that diets are v. hard to stick to. (I lost nearly a stone but he didn't notice- it obviously wasn't enough for him.)
Now he just simply won't talk to me. I find out about his plans through my dd who he adores.
He is never here. Leaves for work at 6 and rarely gets home before 9. Spends all his time at home on his computer in the study. Does absolutely and I mean absolutely nothing in the home.
I told him the other day that in his desperation to stay away from me he was neglecting the dds too. He said he knew but it seemed the better option. Everyone thinks he is the perfect husband and father. They have no idea
I am now sitting at home waiting for him to come home from a client dinner. Both his phones are switched off and I am thinking the worst. Don't know what to do any more. I don't want our family to split up. I have been with him since my teens.Spend all my alone times crying.
Sorry I know I am pathetic.about long intro but need to get it all down on paper.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 22/11/2007 22:15

Sounds familiar...my H had an affair and I chucked him out ...eventually..and THEN I lost the weight ...FOR ME...funny then he wanted me back...you know he is no good for you

macdoodle · 22/11/2007 22:15

Sounds familiar...my H had an affair and I chucked him out ...eventually..and THEN I lost the weight ...FOR ME...funny then he wanted me back...you know he is no good for you

sparkybabe · 22/11/2007 22:18

W&P - the weight is a red herring, no one TELLS thd dw that he is in with a chance of a fuck, ffs. You are already a single parent. Don't sit up waiting for him. Go to bed. He doesn't care, why should you?

ggglimpopo · 22/11/2007 22:18

Turn this round.
Forget the 'everyone thinks he is the perfect husband and father'.
What are you getting out of the relationship? What are your children getting as a role model?

What do you want (apart from asking a leopard to change spots, or you to wake up 3 stone lighter and back to the honeymoon phase tomorrow morning?)

He is robbing you of your dignity and your self respect.

Tortington · 22/11/2007 22:20

why would you rather he be there and make you feel worthless and not engage with his own children ....his own children?

he sounds like a complete immature tosspot who needs to grow the fuck up

who argues via text????? how old are you both?

the only person who can make your life better is you

why would you possibly in your WILDEDT dreams want to stay with a man who only wants to be with you if you lose weight?

i want to be with someone who loves me selflessly.

he is a selfish man - ans you are very silly to maintain this situation.

weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:20

Just texted me to say that his phones were not switched off but that he was in an underground restaurant
How did you lose weight? I hate going to the gymn and have absolutely no will power.

OP posts:
SheepishPeachesMcLean · 22/11/2007 22:23

Stuff loosing weight. He's using this as an excuse and it's not going to make your relationship better. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the dieting thing is a stick you're both beating you with.

sleepycat · 22/11/2007 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 22/11/2007 22:24

Good to see you in good form, sleepy!

That's the spirit!

WinkyWinkola · 22/11/2007 22:24

Weakandpathetic, change your name. I'm quite cross that you've chosen such a name. You simply can't be weak and pathetic if you're the kind of mother who thinks about her children in the face of such moronic, unkind and cruel behaviour from her husband.

Is he such an oil painting himself? I bet he's not.

Don't let him insult you like this. It's horrible that he tried to change his flights because he thought he could have sex. What a loser. Who changes their flights because of that?

He's shown you and your DDs cruelty and ignorance. Is he really someone you want to be with? Will he not turn on you again even if you were a size 12?

Please put your DDs first (as you have been doing) and start forging a life for yourselves that doesn't necessarily involve being let down by a chump that your husband sounds to be.

I sound really harsh but he sounds like he needs to be booted out of your house and your life.

margoandjerry · 22/11/2007 22:25

oh my god. Losing weight is not the point, surely. There's no excuse for the way he's treating you. You sound as though it would break your heart to split up but if he's treating you with disdain now, he always will. Even if you lost weight, it would be your hair or your clothes or something.

Please think about this. Do you want this as an example for your children?

The gym is completely irrelevant. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him how you want your family life to be and he can like it or lump it. He needs to shape up, not you.

colditz · 22/11/2007 22:26

You are not weak and pathetic. He is a selfish spiteful little brat. Get yourself a babysitter and go to the pub without him. I am five stone overweight, short, nothing to look at, and I still get asked out sometimes. You will too.

Do not try to lose weight for him. He already controls your life - you going to let him control your body? Take the control back. Lose weight if you want to. Gain weight if you want to. If he threatens to leave, reply "Mmm-hmm" and carry on doing something else. Go to bed before him.

Alternatively, you could ask him to go to Relate, if you do want to make this marriage work - they are certainly extremely helpful.

But I shall tell you one thing for certain - if your marriage breaks down, it won't be because of you being overweight, it will be because of the contemptable way he has reacted to it.

SheepishPeachesMcLean · 22/11/2007 22:30

What do you do? How old are the dds? Do you work?

weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:30

Actually he is good looking ( obviously on the outside)WE are both in our early forties

OP posts:
weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:31

dds are 9 and 11 I work part time and have a job I love. It's the one place where I really am able to forget about how awful it is at home.

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 22/11/2007 22:31

Even if you lose weight (for yourself if and when YOU wanted to and I'm sure you are beautiful anyway) he would pick some other reason as to why things aren't working and lay the blame for that at your door as well.

Get rid of him and you'll lose 13 stone of ugly fat straight away.

He is a kn*b jockey.

colditz · 22/11/2007 22:32

He's also emotionally inept, and I don't find that a particularly stunning attribute in a grown man, thank you!

You don't need the gym, you need assertiveness classes.

fireflyfairy2 · 22/11/2007 22:34

Colditz, what great posts

colditz · 22/11/2007 22:34

Ohhh I really hope your dd's don't here you both ranting on about The Sin Of Fat ..... not a healthy attitude for them to be exposed to. One of my friends has major issues because her father used to rip into her mother for being overweight.

colditz · 22/11/2007 22:34

hear

SheepishPeachesMcLean · 22/11/2007 22:36

Just sounds like you really need to think about yourself, not sitting around waiting for him. Sounds like you're in a fairly good position to do that. You have a life outside home and the DDs are not completely dependent on you. Does he stay in ever whilst you go out?

sleepycat · 22/11/2007 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:38

We never argue in front of the children. In fact we never argue. They have no idea what is going on. He has never said anything about my weight to them or within their earshot. I am also v. careful not to talk about diets or even let them know I when I am dieting as I wouldn't want them to be hung up about their weight ( not that they need to be both very slim and gorgeous)

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 22/11/2007 22:38

No matter how attractive a man is, he would always be ugly to me if he spoke to his wife the way your man speaks to you.

He doesn't deserve you. And I bet he didn't get a 'fuck' off the German lady as she knew he was married & she had more respect for his wedding vows than he does!

controlfreaky2 · 22/11/2007 22:39

CHANGE YOUR NAME!