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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

getting desperate. husband not talking to me and seems to hate my guts. Sorry long!

79 replies

weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:10

Things have been getting steadily worse between us over the last few years. Seem to boil down to one thing.
I am over weight. Not enormously but need to lose 3 stone. He hates it and has become more and more acrymonious about it. Mostly he doesn't tell me to my face. I have had times where his feelings are made known to me through text messages.

He was on garden leave in the summer and went to do some sailing in the algarve for a week. He kept telling me about this german woman who was gorgeous (he often goes on about beautiful women on tv/ in magazines to wind me up)
We had an text argument and he wouldn't talk to me for four days, in fact he wouldn't even talk to the dds who were very upset. Just before he came home he told me that he had tried to change his flights as he thought he was in with a "good chance of a fuck" but he couldn't change them.

Also said that if I didn't lose weight quickly he would leave. I did try but emotionally I am so fucked up that diets are v. hard to stick to. (I lost nearly a stone but he didn't notice- it obviously wasn't enough for him.)
Now he just simply won't talk to me. I find out about his plans through my dd who he adores.
He is never here. Leaves for work at 6 and rarely gets home before 9. Spends all his time at home on his computer in the study. Does absolutely and I mean absolutely nothing in the home.
I told him the other day that in his desperation to stay away from me he was neglecting the dds too. He said he knew but it seemed the better option. Everyone thinks he is the perfect husband and father. They have no idea
I am now sitting at home waiting for him to come home from a client dinner. Both his phones are switched off and I am thinking the worst. Don't know what to do any more. I don't want our family to split up. I have been with him since my teens.Spend all my alone times crying.
Sorry I know I am pathetic.about long intro but need to get it all down on paper.

OP posts:
fireflyfairy2 · 22/11/2007 22:39

You never argue?

Prolonged silences and a bad atmosphere can be just as bad.

weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:39

Very rarely stays in while I go out. I do one dance class a week but haven't been recently as he has new job in the city and rarely gets home in time.

OP posts:
sleepycat · 22/11/2007 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 22/11/2007 22:41

my parents got divorced after 35 years. My mum was overweight (by significantly more than 3 stone) all their marriage and just beofre it ended he started saying how her weight was a problem and if she lost weight he would stay. Then when she started going to the gym to lose weight he changed his tune and said if she did something different (can't remember now) he would stay. So she did that.

He left anyway and subsequently admitted he was just coming up with reason that put the blame on her rather than just admitting that he wanted to leave because he didn;t love her any more.

I have never understood why he felt better making his partner of 35 years jump through hoops and making her feel bad when he knew it wasn't going to make any difference. He's just a pillock I guess.

Sorry you probably don't want to hear any of that but if it helps, 10 years on she is very happy living without him and recently told me that she is so releived that she isn't having to pander to him and what he wants all the time.

weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:41

dd2 would never forgive me. She is very much a daddy's girl. The one thing he does do is take her to football (they have season tickets)

OP posts:
wowoo · 22/11/2007 22:43

How awful for you , and what a total *** you hubby is.
Lose weight for yourself. You don't need a gym, you just need to get out there walking and eat a bit healthier.
My Dh bugs me with comments about weight etc so changed what we eat. He complained and still is. Told him to sort his own dinners out. I ignore him alot when he's a bastard and like to pretend i feel happy.That way, he's not getting me down and seems to get over it quickly. Best wishes. X

WinkyWinkola · 22/11/2007 22:44

He's goodlooking, you say? No. I can tell from here that he is a very ugly man.

SheepishPeachesMcLean · 22/11/2007 22:45

Would you have to stop her doing that though?

Great that they have a good relationship. But how's her attitude towards motherhood being clouded. how does she view you as a result of all this? And if you were happier, would she benefit?

sleepycat · 22/11/2007 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

margoandjerry · 22/11/2007 22:46

your dds know more than you realise, I suspect. And in any case, in the long run, she wouldn't forgive you for making yourself a martyr and beating yourself into the ground and providing her with no role model for confident womanhood if you put up with this.

colditz · 22/11/2007 22:48

Get a babysitter and go to some self esteem classes or some councelling. Get ANGRY! He's treating you like shit! He'd be treating you like shit if you were 6 stone 5! It doens't matter how heavy or light you are - if he respected you he would treat you nicely. You won't win back respect worth having by losing 3 stone.

As is said on another thread 'Nobody truly happy puts someone else down'.

YOu do not deserve this.

And i hate to pile it on, but if you think for one minute that your daughters are not aware that all is not rosy, you are probably mistaken - I knew my mother wasn't 'putting out' and I knew my dad wasn't happy with it - when I was 10. I woke up in the middle of the night to get a drionk, and heard them whispering.

weakandpathetic · 22/11/2007 22:50

No I really don't think they do. dd1 is the kind to ask questions about these things.

OP posts:
colditz · 22/11/2007 22:56

Well, is it going to stop overnight then? Are you very very sure that your 'husband' won't blurt something out over dinner? Is he going to become magically more tolerant over weight gain as they get older? What if one of them became overweight - would they be subjected to the same degree of irrational vitriol and made to feel as you do - they aren't worth loving if they don't fit in their old jeans? Or will he have learned subtlety by then .. "Oh boys don't like girls who get fat ... DO they, Mummy?"

Children are extremely perceptive - and my mother still doesn't believe that I knew about her and dad, and she thinks dad told me and fell out with him about it (they are divorced).

Most of all, do something about this for you.

YOu cannot change him and you cannot change his behavior. What you can change is your attitudes and reactions to it. Never mind him switching his phone off - switch yours off!

kindersurprise · 22/11/2007 22:57

I agree with the other posters, it is not about your weight, that is just his excuse.

I lost almost 3 stone a year or so ago, but I did it because I wanted to, not because anyone was making me. My DH was happy that I lost weight, but he has never put me down or made any hurtful comment about my weight.

Either you love someone, and you take them as they are or you don't. And if you belittle them and make them miserable, then sorry, I do not think that is love.

I do not think that your DDs do not know about how he treats you and how unhappy you are. Children pick up on these kind of things.

Show yourself and your children that you are not a doormat. That you are not weak and pathetic. This makes me so and

citylover · 22/11/2007 23:11

I agree with the other posters - it is him who has the problem not you.

My ex DH used to undermine me in similar ways and I know that his previous gf stopped wearing jeans because of a snide comment he made to her about how women didn't look good in jeans (wtf!).

He also had issues with not fancying "overweight women, 'lumpen people', pregnant women and women who had children". So you can guess what happened to our sex life after DS1 and then 2. More or less total rejection with many hints and evidence of potential liaisons with other women - he worked away alot so had plenty of opportunity.

I can tell you I felt 'weak and pathetic' after 13 years of marriage to him and it has taken me some time , grit and considerable determination to rise above it again. He left me on the floor by the end of our marriage.

I am still overweight but you know what I have learned to love my curvaceous body and treat myself with a bit more respect.

It paid off as for four months of this year I had the best sex of my life with someone who apparently had no issues with my body and knew what it was to give as well as receive. (He was an ex bf and we had/have a fantastic connection)

Unfortunately we are not able to be together at the moment however even if we never meet up again he gave me something that my c**nt of an ex could never do. Reciprocity and made me feel like a woman (sounds so corny but true).

I had to keep pinching myself to believe that it was true. I kept expecting repulsion (having seen it in my ex's face) but there was none.

And really if you lost the weight there would probably be something else. My ex now gets at me by denigrating my 'household skills' and parenting skills. I think he can see that I am holding my body in a different wayand wouldn't dare make any comments now we are divorced.

So you can try to fix things if your DH will go to Relate but try to start building yourself up and loving your body. It's so hard I know but must be done.

Sorry for the rather forceful language but I became a shadow of my former bubbly self when I was subjected to this type of 'abuse'.

Please don't let him grind you down any more.

manchita · 22/11/2007 23:45

City lover- what a beautiful, honest, and heartfelt post.
I don't know you but I am so happy for you for finding peace and happiness and acceptance.

Quattrocento · 22/11/2007 23:54

He is a complete shit.

Hold on to that thought.

handlemecarefully · 22/11/2007 23:56

It's very clear to an outsider looking in. You need to leave him.

slim22 · 23/11/2007 00:54

Please change your name and get rid of this looser.
You already do have life and he's just undermining it. HE is the cause of your misery. You'll see the weight lift off you shoulders, quite litterally when you get rid of him.

drosophila · 23/11/2007 01:13

Reminds me of Vannessa Feltz. Like a lot of the women here but sooo public.

Of course it's not the weight. He has just picked a weak point that he knows will bother you (and most women) and gone on and on etc.

I wouldn't be surprised if you were not over weight at all but if you are it is not what or how much you eat it is WHY you eat. With a husband saying cruel things to you I suspect it may make you comfort eat.

salsmum · 23/11/2007 01:31

WaP,
PLEASE GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU'VE GOT SOME FIGHT LEFT.
IF YOU STAY WITH THIS IDIOT YOU WILL END UP SOOO DOWN THAT YOU'LL THINK NO ONE ELSE WILL EVEN LOOK AT YOU THEN YOU STAY WITH HIM.
IF FOR NO OTHER REASON DO IT FOR YOUR KIDS DON'T LET YOUR DAUGHTERS THINK THAT THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY A MAN SHOULD TREAT A WOMAN BECAUSE THEY WILL END UP WITH A MAN LIKE YOUR HUBS..
if you were foolish enough to lose weight for him he would find another reason to bully you....too much/not enough makeup, too many nights out, you dont pay him enough attention..the list goes on.
GET OUT AND YOU'LL MEET SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU FOR YOU, ONLY THEN CAN YOU BE THE WOMAN YOU ONCE WERE BEFORE THIS IDIOT DESTROYED YOUR CONFIDENCE,
GOOD LUCK!

catsmother · 23/11/2007 10:01

Am late to this but can only echo what everyone else has said about your complete and utter vile, cruel, cold, nasty worthless husband. His attitude isn't normal and, even leaving the whole weight thing aside for a moment as you say your daughters are unaware of this, I can guarantee that what they will be aware of (even if they haven't voiced it) despite no rows in front of them is that their mum is desperately unhappy, that their dad never shows their mum any affection or respect and you really need to think about how that will affect them.

So far as weight is concerned it's a stupid, indefensible, immature and pathetic (yes, he's the pathetic one) excuse. No doubt about it. If you waved a magic wand and lost weight overnight nothing would change. Any "man" vile enough to taunt his wife with boasts of "fucks" isn't going to change his opinion of her because she fits into a smaller dress size. For whatever reason, he holds you, not your weight, in contempt. If he genuinely cared about you, but wished you could lose a little weight, he would be loving and supportive in your dieting efforts ...... going to the gym with you, suggesting long family walks, showing an interest in healthy eating. But of course I know without asking he's done nothing of the sort. If he has a problem with you, that is HIS problem, not yours. Whatever is at the bottom of it, he is too pathetic to accept responsibility for his feelings and to address them in a sensible and mature way.

As if any further proof of his nastiness were required this is a "man" who is prepared to neglect the daughters he professes to love because he is shunning his wife. Maybe he does want to split up with you, after all, relationships do "run their course" for all sorts of reasons, but, except in very extreme circumstances (eg. violence), both parties share a proprortion of "blame". It is never simply one person's fault 100%. By heaping it all on you he is refusing to accept any responsibility for the situation you find yourself in and/or the way he feels. THAT is a totally cowardly way to conduct yourself.

And by the way, I finally lost 4 stone earlier this year after quite some years of feeling unhappy with how much weight I'd put on. I'd previously done bits of dieting but had never succeeded in going all the way and would "slip back". Having done it now and sustained the loss for 7 months so far do you know what ? ...... whilst it's great to feel healthier & fitter, to have more energy, to wear a bikini, to wear size 8 & 10 clothes (instead of 16), to feel comfortable in practically any style of clothing I choose, to have no wobbly bits etc., the most surprising thing (maybe naiively) to me is that I am EXACTLY the same person as I was before (with maybe a little more confidence admittedly). I don't know quite what I was expecting to feel, nor why this should be such a revelation to me, but I'm telling you this because I think it sort of shows that whatever outer shell we wear it makes no difference to the person inside. I really doubt it would make any difference to your husband if you did the same - he'd find something else to harangue you about.

By the way, I dieted for ME. My partner has never criticised my weight though I have been up and down.

I also noted you said he does absolutely nothing. Well, while he continues to treat you with such contempt I'd do absolutely nothing for him either. Why the hell should you wash (and iron) his shitty pants, cook food for him etc. Please tell me that you are not being a skivvy to someone who treats you so appallingly ?

NotQuiteCockney · 23/11/2007 10:03

I don't think he hates you. I think he hates himself.

And given the behaviour you're telling us about, he's got good reason to hate himself.

Please go to Relate, or see a counsellor on your own, or just leave him. Do something. Losing weight won't fix this situation.

jesuswhatnext · 23/11/2007 10:08

tell him you've lost weight - 13 stones of useless, miserable, ugly lard - him, in fact!

then hand him his packed suitcase!

drosophila · 23/11/2007 10:23

Good one Jesuswhatnext

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