getting desperate. husband not talking to me and seems to hate my guts. Sorry long!

[weakandpathetic]

Things have been getting steadily worse between us over the last few years. Seem to boil down to one thing.
I am over weight. Not enormously but need to lose 3 stone. He hates it and has become more and more acrymonious about it. Mostly he doesn't tell me to my face. I have had times where his feelings are made known to me through text messages.

He was on garden leave in the summer and went to do some sailing in the algarve for a week. He kept telling me about this german woman who was gorgeous (he often goes on about beautiful women on tv/ in magazines to wind me up)
We had an text argument and he wouldn't talk to me for four days, in fact he wouldn't even talk to the dds who were very upset. Just before he came home he told me that he had tried to change his flights as he thought he was in with a "good chance of a fuck" but he couldn't change them.

Also said that if I didn't lose weight quickly he would leave. I did try but emotionally I am so fucked up that diets are v. hard to stick to. (I lost nearly a stone but he didn't notice- it obviously wasn't enough for him.)
Now he just simply won't talk to me. I find out about his plans through my dd who he adores.
He is never here. Leaves for work at 6 and rarely gets home before 9. Spends all his time at home on his computer in the study. Does absolutely and I mean absolutely nothing in the home.
I told him the other day that in his desperation to stay away from me he was neglecting the dds too. He said he knew but it seemed the better option. Everyone thinks he is the perfect husband and father. They have no idea
I am now sitting at home waiting for him to come home from a client dinner. Both his phones are switched off and I am thinking the worst. Don't know what to do any more. I don't want our family to split up. I have been with him since my teens.Spend all my alone times crying.
Sorry I know I am pathetic.about long intro but need to get it all down on paper.

Why are you afraid of being alone? Honey, you already ARE alone.

You may have the man's physical presence within the home, but you don't have a husband, don't fool yourself that you do.

As to weight, love, a man who would leave you because he doesn't like your weight doesn't love you. People change. People add weight, lose weight, get ill, get wrinkly, lose their hair...but they stay married because that's life. One day you will be old and wrinkly with grey hair and a saggy bum. You should expect to have a bald husband with a pot belly and no teeth and you should understand that this is just life.

I read a story about a woman who got breast cancer and her husband left her when she got out of hospital.

I was reminded of that story when I read your op. Someone who cannot support you and cannot accept that you are not always going to be young and nubile, does not love you in the way you deserve to be loved.

If you need another adult around the house, get a lodger.

SPOT ON HEKATE

ending a marriage is a a very scary thing to do though, everything changes and a 'comfort zone' has to be rebuilt.

i think if our op was really honest with herself, she would say her marriage was over a long time ago!

What an ar*sehole! Sorry but I can't think life would be worse without him around. No-one deserves to be spoken to like that!

"dd1 is the kind to ask questions about these things." WOuld she'd ask questions about that though. IME children collude in their own deception about serious matters - logic being that if mummy and daddy don't want me to know I had better not know. DH and his sister's certainly did that when their parents split messily.

Children's logic also says: 'this is my fault.' I knew my parents weren't getting on when I was a kid, but I never dared ask, and felt responsible for it.

You said you are both in your early 40s; perhaps he is having a bit of a mid-life crisis. Has it always been like this? Maybe he is having problems himself and is taking them out on you..?

weakandpathetic - your "husband" sounds like a very immature little bastard.

Clearly, you are not weak or pathetic as you are taking care of everything to do with the house and children whilst Mr Lazy Bastard seems to be behaving as though he is a bachelor. He clearly has no comprehension of what your body has gone through with pregancy, childbirth etc - during this time, his body has gone through nothing at all! It makes me feel sad to read your MN name as weakandpathetic as it is so untrue - you are holding the home and the family together.

I can identify with a lot of what you say - my H "works" similar hours, 7 days a week and does absolutely nothing to help me (and I really mean nothing, just like you do!). I am currently pregnant (v ill, complications) and have a toddler. He just doesn't care at all and when I asked him to have DS so I could sit down for 15 minutes, he said his knee hurt and he began severely limping around. So, DS and I went to bed. After I had been asleep for a couple of hours, I needed a wee so I got up and went to the bathroom in the dark. H did not know I was awake and I saw him RUNNING up the stairs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Miraculous recovery or what! I didn't bother saying anything to him.

I don't know what to do as regards your relationship (as I don't know what to do about mine) but I do know you absolutely must change your attitude to yourself. You must recognise that you are a fantastic mother and a nice person. There is nothing weak or pathetic about you - you are having a bit of a struggle because he is INFLICTING it on you, not because of some personal weakness of your own. Furthermore, you have a few excess pounds - this is not a crime and one reason that it is hard to shift is because you don't have any support and you are giving your energies to your home and family.

He seems to fail to realise that you are not teenagers any more - he behaves just like one. Don't feel guilty if you get divorced because although your DDs would probably be very upset at first, they would probably realise that tension had lifted. That's how I felt when my parents divorced and now I am an adult and can see what was going on, I am SO GLAD my mum is free of my dad's disgraceful behaviour.

Just to add another voice, there is so much good advice on hear.
WALK OUT THE DOOR
That text would have done it for me. He has no respect for you, for your marriage, or your children, and he doesn't deserve you.
YOU ARE NOT WEAK AND PATHETIC.
He is a misogynist twat who is behaving like a little boy.Your daughters need NOT to be around a man like this.
Don't worry abuot the weight. It's irrelevant. When you are in a more secure place it will or will not fall off - but who cares, really? You have a life to live without being disrespected and humiliated, for your own sake and that of your dds.

on HERE obviously.

He would argue that he is not lazy as he works 15 hour days and that I work ( at work that is) 2 and a half days (which is actually a lot more have to take quite a bit of it home to do on my days off)
I know he is very inhappy at work and hates his job (or at least the amount of time it takes up)and think part of the immature behaviour is jealousy.

Do you want the rest of you life to be like this? If the answer is no then tell him to shape up or fuck off...with preference being on the second option.

Please change your name NOW
to Strugglingbutsurviving
OR
fiercelydeterminedtosortthisout

OR SOMETHING

It is ok for him to be pissed off with his job. It is NOT OK for him to therefore behave like a complete wnaker.

How could I walk out the door?- I can't leave the dds.
One real prob I have is that I have no one to talk to.
I have told absolutely no one about this. My mum is seriously ill so I would not want to worry my parents with it.
My sister has her own life with her kids and dh.
I am close to my sil but could not even bring myself to tell her as she is v. close to her brother.
I have few friends and would not want them to know about this.
It's such a relief to be able to tell you guys about it. It's a real help.
Your posts only confirm what I already knew but I am a bit of an ostrich and am having difficulty in coming to terms with this. It seems so huge.

You shouldn't have to leave - he's the one not prepared to try at the marriage so he should go.
But first, if he won't listen to you EMAIL him a letter stating how you feel and how you need things to change.

He wouldn't listen. He blanks me if I ever try to talk to him.
As for counselling with relate [hysterical laughing emoticon] !
As for what needs to change- well that's me isn't it. All my fault. Sorry if I sound pathetic but I have spent so long being made to feel like a piece of crap that you get to believe it after a while.

You are the role model that your dd's will look to as they grow up.
What would you do if they married someone who treats them how he treats you?

He needs to go. He is a total wanker for all the reasons everybody else has given. You do not have to leave your dd's. Find someone you trust. Your sister may have her own life and kids, but I suspect she'll still have time for this!! Or are there any Mnetters close by to you. This is where MN thrives.
If he EVER says he's in with a chance of a fuck again say yes you are fuck off. If he threatens to leave again - just nonchalatley (sp?) ask him to take the rubbish on his way out the door. should he say "leave you for good" say Oh in that case can you pull the wheely bin out the gate as well then. Turn him into the joke that he is.
And yes - change the name. You're not weak or pathetic. And if you get out of this marriage you'll be even less so.

He is cruel.

There are often situations where a desperately unhappy woman is in a quandry of indecision about splitting up with her cruel, or cheating, or otherwise persistantly "behaving unreasonably" H because he is a good father/decent person etc. This problem does not exist here. He is emotionally neglecting your children.

What have you got to lose by not being with him? You do everything already; including loving and caring for the children alone by the sound of it.

Go to see a solicitor and ascertain your rights and then present H with the facts about what you intend to happen starting with him leaving.. and backed up by your legal rights. Be firm and strong in front of him.

He won't know what's hit him.

I know it won't be easy, but from the what you have told us, the decision re the relationship ought to be made. Your children are gaining nothing from living in the same house as him and are actually learning all the wrong behavior regarding how a husband/father should treat his family.

Well, it's true that you can't change him, you can only change yourself.

Is counselling an option for you? That would get you some support and some help deciding what you should do. And it would help you work out why you think it's ok to live with someone who treats you like this.

I wonder too if he is very unhappy and lashing out at the easiest target. It's no excuse but it might help you move on if you realise he is the problem.

I bet he feels a failure and being the BIG cruel bastard to you makes him feel BIG.

Think about what might be making him feel a failure (work or something) and next time he starts at you mention that promotion he missed out on or whatever.

I could be miles off but he is being so cruel.

Hi W&P (that's Woman & Positive, BTW) he may be unhappy in his ilfe, but that's no reasn to take it out on you. He needs to sort himself out, but he won't, without a good kick upthe backside. Get yourself down to the CAB and find out HOW to get this jerk-off out. Maybe that's what he needs. Jerks like this can't hurt strong women, they can only make themselves feel big by hurting the weaker ones, to the extent that the woman believes it.
I know you have had a lot of harse truths sent your way over the past few days, but honestly, get down the CAB and get some advice.

incidentally, colditz, you kick ass.

Tried to post earlier but my computer crashed.

I have a good friend whose husband left her, when she had major surgery for breast cancer. He was a selfish, lying, cheating excuse for a man, and had treated her badly for years.

Not long after her separation she met a lovely man, and after her divorce came through they got married. She is in her fifties and has never been happier.

You do not need or want to be with this horrible man. There is much more to life than this, and you deserve to be happy.

Please get some legal advice, you don't have to put up with this.

I don't usually post on relationships threads, but I feel so sad for you.

Hi W&P I hope we haven't scared you off! I noticed that you were defending him aginst some of the posters, saying he takes dd to football, he's good looking etc. All I can say is that he has obviously picked on one thing that you are sensitive about (your weight) and is beating you up with it - it's what bullies do. But even tho you say he's good-looking, I bet theres something you could pick up on - after all even brad pitt has eyes-too-close together, tom cruise is too short, george clooney always looks dissatisfied...there will be something. But you don't do it, becasue you are not a bully.
Look again at him, and see if there is anything there you like.