Acts of service. Really FFS!!

[Howcanthisbe123]

For the past two years, in our 19 year relationship things are going downhill fast. I feel completely unloved (and very lonely). It was over 2 years ago he told me he loved me, he never buys me gifts unless an occasion, never holds my hand, cuddles me, kisses me, just nothing. You get the idea.

We’re in our 30s.

So, I work full time, he does too but in 12 hour shifts of four. As we both work and have kids we both pull our weight around the house. Only difference being I work from home, so when his working his four, I have to do my work and the school run and the kids and house. On his four off I still work but then leave all the rest to him as I’m working. Kids are at school he sits around for hours as it doesn’t take that long to do the house and walk the dogs.

So looking into this, his love language is acts of service. So am I supposed to be thrilled he pulls his weight around the house? If Pete, Paula or joe lived with me I would expect them to do it too....because it’s our house and we live there!!! That’s not love!!!! It’s bloody decency!

As you can see I’m pretty pissed this is his act of love. I’m trying my best to get on with it though. His gone to watch the football, I’ve cleaned the house top to bottom, sorted the kids and will put them to bed soon, also changed the living room around to give it a fresh look and checked the tumble dryer to see if any washing needed folding....so, are these acts of service? Will he walk through the door and see that I’ve made an effort to show him I love him or will he think “of course the house is done and the kids sorted, I wasn’t here to do it so of course she would” (as that is what I’d expect from him, to sort the house and girls if I wasn’t home) which is why maybe I don’t see this as love.

Anyone who got acts of service on the live language bullshit, would you love me for doing this? What would you love me to do to fulfil your act of service love? I’m determined to put some effort into this (just so I can stop feeling so unloved myself I guess).

My ExH used to pull the "acts of service" bullshit card out too. I like the old "words of affirmation" or whatever it's called, and the touchy feely stuff... but no.... he wanted to do more acts of service. Which I didn't want!

So, I left him. Well, that and the fact that it turned out he was providing "acts of service" to another recipient!!!!

What is this love language thing of which you speak? I'm single and have been for ages so having someone else do housework sounds awesome right now, but I would need some love and affection on the regular as well.

Have you told him how you feel?

Honestly, you sound juvenile and bitter af. Acts of love? Aye, ok.

My dh does washing etc as he's an adult of the house, fuck all to do with love.

I don’t think “acts of service” means the everyday pulling your weight in the house kind of chores that any decent human being should do because they make half the mess, but the bigger “doing” things. For example, DP spent all Saturday afternoon whilst I was out with friends collecting wood and building a set of garden furniture because I’d recently said I really wanted nice garden benches and table but they were so hard to find right now. The other weekend he sorted out all the hallway cupboards, fitted then all with shelves and made a new shoe rack after I got frustrated over nowhere to put a waterproof coat. To me, acts of service is that kind of thing - going above and beyond and doing something that’s nobody’s “job”, without being asked, simply because you know it will make your partner happy.

Your husband just sounds like an unappreciated, lazy knob who has checked out of family life because he finds it boring. Do you really want to be in this relationship anymore?

*Unappreciative, not unappreciated.

But the whole point is not doing what your own love language is, it's about speaking the other person's love language. You don't feel loved by him "pulling his weight" as presumably it is not your love language. He needs to learn to speak yours. If his is acts of service you are already speaking it by what you do, or it may be that if he can pick up a bit more you will have the time and space to think of other little things out of the ordinary, like defrosting his windscreen on a winter morning or washing the car (can't really think of many examples this minute). He will feel like he is showing you he loves you by the natural way he expresses it but needs to get his head round expressing in a way that makes you feel love IE your love language.

Acts of service means doing things above and beyond the usual daily grind.

Isn't "acts of service" more like doing something specific for you, like, I dunno, making you a cup of tea cos you look like you need one, massaging your feet, doing something personal and specific for you?

I don't think it's doing shared housework.

Who's feeding you the love languages stuff?

My husbands love language is different to mine and so we do clash. But I’d say acts of service are not this as you describe it. My family do acts of service rather than have other ways of expressing their love, it’s things like pop round to cut the grass when I’m at work or if I say in need to paint the front for they will ask me if they can do it for me. If your husband was fixing something broken that was upsetting you, or going out of his way to do something helpful and special for your benefit not his - that’s be it .

Do you mean you took a test/survey on his behalf and it said that was his "love language", or that he told you? Either way, I don't think it's actually relevant, I think it sounds like through the drudgery of family life he's just started to opt out of participating and decided to leave it all to you. DP and I both do bits and pieces around the house as and when I see them and we are both appreciative etc (and as a previous poster said, sometimes going out of our way a little bit to do little things to make each other's lives easier/that the other will like) but equally they're mostly just things that need to be done when you live together and not grand gestures. I think the bigger issue is that you've said you feel unloved and have had next to no affection in years. You sound very worn down and angry. If he won't change, would you be able to consider leaving him?

My oh’s love language is very much acts of service, I think that applies to a lot of men, but he does more than just the required household tidying. I do really appreciate them even though it’s not my main language -which is words.

I am an ‘Acts of service’ person and it ultimately was what killed my once happy first marriage, he was a lazy shit and I was always firmly bottom of the pile(below the pub, football and his mates).

I show my love by ‘doing’, but I get joy out of doing it and it being appreciated. I also get very unfulfilled if my partner doesn’t do their fair share in a meaningful way.
The love languages thing really does work and it’s about realising what language your partner is ‘speaking’ and putting the effort in to understand, even if it’s not your own ‘love language’
My now DH is ‘physical touch’, which is not natural for me, but I step up and make the effort for him.

If I’d have known about the love languages during my first marriage, I have no doubt that we’d have been happier.

Really! I don’t know how to do DIY, he does that, I wouldn’t be able to do something like that for him.

Things like what big button? I thought acts of service was doing a job for someone that they would normally do? His love language is acts of service so I’ve just done the house, kids and took the bins out (not that I wouldn’t anyway, this is my house) so I thought as it was his language he would see me that’s showing him I love him.

I don’t think I understand what I’m supposed to be doing here!!

Storm baby, if I was your partner then, what could I do in a act of services way that would make you feel I loved you?

What the buggery is love language?

I think the love languages thing is all a load of bollocks, we all need a myriad of things to make us feel loved and appreciated. It's also a way to avoid responsibility.
How does he react if you try to initiate affection or tell him you love him?

@Howcanthisbe123 because I like to do the acts of service and I get a lot of pleasure from it, just noticing the little things that I have done and thanking me for them helps. I buy his favourite fruit juice, lay his clothes out for work over the banisters when he’s on earlies, prepare his equipment if he’s brought it home to clean and then take back, if he has hay fever I will go get a tablet before he’s even asked.

Receiving acts of service makes me happy too, so the fact that my DH packs my lunch for me every morning and makes me a coffee to take in to work in a flask, if he goes in a shop to buy a drink he will grab me one without me even asking, he rubs my neck and shoulders for me every night as I have arthritis.
I just need to physically look after my loved ones and for them to look after me in return.

I don't think he has understood how love languages work. We had to go to a class on it for our pre marriage counselling and it was really good.
Basically, you each have your own love language and they might be the same as each other's or they might not. But the important thing is that you need to do stuff for your spouse, the love of your life, in THEIR love language.
If his love language is acts of service and yours is words of affirmation, he can clean the house all he likes. He could mow the lawn, wash the car, get the shopping and you'd be left feeling rubbish because he hasn't said anything about your job interview in the morning and how hard you'd worked for it.
There was a couple on my course and we had to do an activity where we chose each other a pretend gift based on what we thought our partner's love language was. He 'got' her a puppy (love language of gifts) and she was really upset! She wanted him to do more round the house more (acts of service) and felt the puppy would increase her workload in training and walking and cleanup. But to him it was a really good gift and he was genuinely surprised it was a bad choice.

I think it’s a load of shit too, buts it’s all I have at the moment. I’m hoping if I show him I love him, he will say I love you, because I’m hoping he will see the effort I’m putting in from my side.

We don’t kiss, he will cuddle me if I cuddle him, but it’s not a proper cuddle. He will say I love you back if I say it first (what feels like out of pure duty😳)

It’s a sore point you said make him work lunch, I ducking hate doing that! But I will put some effort in.

Maybe he doesn't say it because he doesn't feel it?

I don't think a person should twist themselves up like a pretzel to try to convince themselves of a preferred belief, when the evidence just isn't there to support it.

My ego is going to take a massive bruising for this (I know that’s completely against the point) I feel like a 1950s house wife plus have to do a full time job on top!

Acts of service has got to be the shittist love language ever!!

My husband is also acts of service which I am totally shit at as I'm super lazy. But the difference is I can tell when he's happy I've made an effort. He does appreciate when I clean the kitchen or whatever. I like quality time which is hard to come by with jobs and kids that wake at 5:30 everyday.

I explained that to him, maybe he isn’t affectionate and says he loves me because he doesn’t actually love me, it’s a feeling you have and it gives you desire to want to please the person you love, but apparently he does love me.

I’ve told him it’s fine if he doesn’t, we’ve been together so long and I would always be his friend, we’re also not very dramatic people so he could just say if he didn’t love me and I would be fine with it but he is adamant he is?!
That’s why this acts of service crap is my last attempt to save us before I have an affair!

If his love language was really acts of service, he'd be doing stuff for you and meeting you halfway on this.

Doing his half of the housework is only an act of service if he considers housework and childcare entirely your job. If so, what a wanker.

Does he do anything nice just for you?

It just sounds to me like you're scratching round for anything to be able to imagine he loves you and he just can't be arsed.