Acts of service. Really FFS!!

[Howcanthisbe123]

For the past two years, in our 19 year relationship things are going downhill fast. I feel completely unloved (and very lonely). It was over 2 years ago he told me he loved me, he never buys me gifts unless an occasion, never holds my hand, cuddles me, kisses me, just nothing. You get the idea.

We’re in our 30s.

So, I work full time, he does too but in 12 hour shifts of four. As we both work and have kids we both pull our weight around the house. Only difference being I work from home, so when his working his four, I have to do my work and the school run and the kids and house. On his four off I still work but then leave all the rest to him as I’m working. Kids are at school he sits around for hours as it doesn’t take that long to do the house and walk the dogs.

So looking into this, his love language is acts of service. So am I supposed to be thrilled he pulls his weight around the house? If Pete, Paula or joe lived with me I would expect them to do it too....because it’s our house and we live there!!! That’s not love!!!! It’s bloody decency!

As you can see I’m pretty pissed this is his act of love. I’m trying my best to get on with it though. His gone to watch the football, I’ve cleaned the house top to bottom, sorted the kids and will put them to bed soon, also changed the living room around to give it a fresh look and checked the tumble dryer to see if any washing needed folding....so, are these acts of service? Will he walk through the door and see that I’ve made an effort to show him I love him or will he think “of course the house is done and the kids sorted, I wasn’t here to do it so of course she would” (as that is what I’d expect from him, to sort the house and girls if I wasn’t home) which is why maybe I don’t see this as love.

Anyone who got acts of service on the live language bullshit, would you love me for doing this? What would you love me to do to fulfil your act of service love? I’m determined to put some effort into this (just so I can stop feeling so unloved myself I guess).

Blimey! This level of analysis would kill the joy in any relationship! You both work really hard, have young kids and it's been a tough year. It's not going to be the most romantic point of your relationship! Plan a date night and some fun things to do as a family and stop looking for faults!

@ejhhhhh

This all sounds like a load of nonsense tbh. Like lots of pseudo science psychology that doesn't actually have any basis in psychology. Is it just from a self help book? It sounds like life would be easier if you stopped obsessing with the labels and just focussed on the issues. You want more affection, so tell him that.

As far as I can tell that is exactly the point of the 'self-help' you do the quiz together - it allows you have a 'common understanding'..

if he cares about you - and your language is for example physical affection - and he has had this spelt out - as you do the quiz together - and he does not step up - then you need to move on..

I found some improvement from 'love languages' (OH is acts of service - whereas I'm physical touch - understanding that - did improve our relationship - he now 'knows' I need a hug - whereas before i'd have to ask - and it made it feel demanded.. IYSWIM)

Personally I found the 'sorry languages' more useful - OH is a total 'telling you' whereas I need 'solutions - so he finally got why i was cross with 'i'm sorry' over and over- !

OP - there needs to be work on his side to make you feel better for sure

Love languages is a load of old cock, made up by a Christian fundamentalist. It's clearly intended to keep people who have been nudged into what amounts to arranged marriages from realising how incompatible their relationships are.

It's misogynist claptrap designed to let men live in a patriarchal paradise where they don't have to show true respect or affection to their wives.

I just took the quiz and got mostly acts of service lol. I'm single though. What's your love language? Is it physical touch? If I knew that was my partner's language I'd definitely be trying to do more of it. Does he say why he's not doing it? It's got to work both ways right?

My ex’s love language was 100% acts of service. I hated it only because he never affectionate- verbally or physically. And don’t get me wrong I appreciated that he would fix something for me but I felt so unloved without hugs, cuddles, kisses, affectionate words every once in a while.

On the other hand I always performed acts of service for him because I knew that made him feel loved. Sadly he just didn’t catch on to performing my live language - physical affection and words of affirmation. I felt we lacked true intimacy (altho we did have sex but that’s not how I feel intimacy) It’s one of the things that killed the relationship

You feel unappreciated OP I get that. You have fallen into the role of the person who does everything and therefore it becomes the norm so much so that the relationship you have with your husband is no longer special.

It's that special relationship that is different from the one with children or anyone else and should be respected and nurtured/worked at or it will disappear and end up like where you are now.
Talk to him. Make time out for you both. Have date nights and reconnect unless it is all too late. It is worth a try ?

I thought acts of service was about doing little unexpected things rather than just daily chores? Sometimes if I have an early shift at work in winter DH sneaks out before me to de ice my car and turn the engine on so it’s warm when I come out. I think things like that are acts of service.

Like, him pulling his weight in the house and walking the dogs isn’t a service to you it’s just him being a normal person.

We've found the love languages very helpful to us. We do love each other but we'd stopped communicating well with each other and feel like we understand each other and our needs a lot more now.

Acts of service isn't necessarily about the everyday stuff although it can be if one isn't pulling their weight. It's about thoughtful acts that show you are thinking about the other person.

@Wellies54

Blimey! This level of analysis would kill the joy in any relationship! You both work really hard, have young kids and it's been a tough year. It's not going to be the most romantic point of your relationship! Plan a date night and some fun things to do as a family and stop looking for faults!

This in spades.

Also stop reading self help nonsense that isn't helping.

Life isn't all roses and flowers. It sounds like you both pull your weight in terms of money, childcare and chores.

Plan a date - go for a walk together and hold hands. Put on some music you can dance to together. Watch a comedy you both love and laugh together. Have a kiss and a cuddle (when he's not exhausted from work) and count your blessings.

Otherwise leave him now. Leave him alone. Deal with the fall out and the challenges that presents. Then you may see how lucky you were. Or maybe you will meet someone else.....who knows.

I dont really get it tbh. It sounds like me trying to speak English to someone who only knows German. That doesn't work. Have I got it?

I am going through a massive mental health problem at the moment and my partner has no clue how to deal with it, so instead he is doing all the practical things, it means I don't have to worry about that shite and that is how he is showing his love for me. But he is stepping up, cooking, cleaning etc taking on my share completely. I am not sure that helps you, but if he just kept doing his share, that is not supporting me, but its not an every day thing.

Oh this sounds hard OP but honestly your last couple of posts suggest you're analysing this too much.

Fwiw apparently I'm not outwardly affectionate. I just did the love languages quiz and ended up quitting because some of the possible answers were making me

I think a big part of love is saying or doing the things that make your partner happy, and if you can't manage that then couples aren't really compatible. I'm not talking specifically about your relationship here, but if my partner bought me a card or token gift that related to one of our 'in jokes' like I saw this and thought of you, I'd prefer that than constantly telling me he loves me, or PDAs all the time. Similarly I've done things around the house for boyfriends while they were at work (I didn't live there) because I knew that they appreciated practical things that they could see and benefit from iyswim.

I'm waffling, but you are currently toeing a fine line between stating what you need from your DH, and nagging that you don't get it. I hate the word nagging but if you keep pushing for him to behave in a way that isn't 'him' then he will feel unappreciated by the things he sees as doing to express love and stop bothering.

Theres also a chance that he's lazy and/or doesn't care to think of you and what you want, but assuming he isn't, I don't think its that difficult as a caring human to think 'what would @Howcanthisbe123 like, what would make her smile, what would surprise her?' That's the 'extra' that defines the part of love you're talking about (I think).

If it makes him too uncomfortable (like certain parts of that quiz would for me) then fundamentally you won't meet in the middle on this, and then your choice is to accept a future of frustration and disappointment or go your separate ways.

Some people are happy to tweak/adapt their behaviours and their thinking without it being a short term 'act' until you back off, whilst some simply shrug and say, 'this is how I am, take it or leave it'. Only you know which one he is.

I know a man who is really into 'love languages' so much so that he talks about the love languages of his children too. All a bit wierd to me, but it helps him to think about how to make his wife and children happy (youngest child is a teenager).

Acts of service doesn't mean running yourself into the ground while building up a lot of resentment along the way. Get yourself a good marriage counsellor (I can recommend one if needed) and talk about what's really going on in your relationship.

You've been together 19 years and you're in your 30s?

Maybe you're just bored shitless?

@Ulna

You've been together 19 years and you're in your 30s?

Maybe you're just bored shitless?

There is this- yes

I've just done the quiz. You're basing your marriage on that?! Honestly, what you answer one day, you'd answer differently another day.

Tell him how you want to be treated - don't make it a long list. Don't give the list a crap name.
He needs training so expect to give him regular reminders. He isn't going to get it all in one go so don't get impatient.
Ask him how he'd like you to treat him. You might need to negotiate over that.
Remove areas of stress like divvying up household tasks.
Make regular date nights where you tell him what you'd like him to say to you, do for you, touch you. Don't expect him to psychic and read your mind - that's the way to disappointment. No different to sex, everyone needs instruction.
Give him lots of praise and reinforcement when he does things right. Treat him by doing something for him that he likes.
Don't expect to talk about your feelings,all the time. Most men don't want to do that.
If he hasn't grasped it in a year, he isn't going to. Either isn't capable or doesn't want to. But you will have done your best and you'll be able to make a decision about your future.

I've just done the quiz. You're basing your marriage on that?! Honestly, what you answer one day, you'd answer differently another day.

Well exactly, it's just a bunch of Barnum statements. When I first read about the Love Languages I just thought, "really? Surely all five of these are the basics of being in a relationship?". It's standard, caring behaviour.

I do all five, and I expect all five, and in my experience that's perfectly normal in a functioning relationship.

The Love Languages just gives people carte blanche to phone it in - I gave you flowers, because my love language is gifts. Job done.

I do love an act of service, I took DS to a party DH had finished work early, came in and fixed the broken curtain rail I was planning to do at the weekend and trimmed the hedges. He then said all the Saturday jobs are done let's go to PYO with DS instead and have lunch at the farm café. It wasn't about doing the tasks, it was that he saw that it would be much nicer to not have to do them at the weekend, he had extra time so did them. It also told me he recognised taking DS to a toddler party wasn't a jolly for me

I wouldn't fall for that love language BS, OP, and it sounds as though you don't buy into it either.
There's something extra that should be in exclusive relationships such as marriages, beyond acts of service. TBH though, it should come naturally. A person should want to cuddle their partner. A person should automatically light up when they see their partner walking towards them. These feelings do not automatically go away simply because of the length of time spent in the relationship.
When a person notices that these feelings are no longer there, they need to analyse why.

My DH is an acts of service type but I don't count him doing the washing or remembering to feed the cats as part of it. I see it as doing things he wasn't responsible for and didn't have to do. Like on the weekend when he makes me a coffee and brings it to me in bed even though he doesn't drink hot drinks and had no reason to put the kettle on (my favourite!). Or when he willingly spends his weekend helping me dig new flower beds when he has no interest in the garden and thought it looked fine anyway. Or when he knows I've had a long week and he goes out to buy ingredients for the only dish he ever cooks alone and instructs me to sit on the couch while he gets me a glass of wine. When I really think about it there are also lots of tiny things he does without me noticing that he really didn't need to do at all.

Acts of service be buggered. That's just acts. Transactional acts. It's a get out for people who don't love their partners. Without the love they are meaningless, and the pp's who set store by them only do so because they already feel loved.

@pickingdaisies

Acts of service be buggered. That's just acts. Transactional acts. It's a get out for people who don't love their partners. Without the love they are meaningless, and the pp's who set store by them only do so because they already feel loved.

Exactly.

OP, you need marriage counselling, not creationist pop psychology.

My ex (note that he's my ex) said similar. Did similar. He expected me to work on displaying his love languages, but didn't do the same for me.

Also...I felt that he was lying about his love language. He didn't do half the jobs and resented me for not doing more. I'm pretty sure that affection and words were his. You can tell, as when they're annoyed with you, they withold those things, or reverse them.

Love languages can be helpful in the early days of a relationship to he.p understand each other, but when it's in a bad place, I think it can make everything worse. If you're already resentful, and then have to do things that don't make sense to you, it adds to the resentment.

As some people have pointed out, ‘acts of service’ does not refer to someone doing their fair share of chores. That’s just being a civilised, adult human, functioning with other humans in a shared environment.