Acts of service. Really FFS!!

[Howcanthisbe123]

For the past two years, in our 19 year relationship things are going downhill fast. I feel completely unloved (and very lonely). It was over 2 years ago he told me he loved me, he never buys me gifts unless an occasion, never holds my hand, cuddles me, kisses me, just nothing. You get the idea.

We’re in our 30s.

So, I work full time, he does too but in 12 hour shifts of four. As we both work and have kids we both pull our weight around the house. Only difference being I work from home, so when his working his four, I have to do my work and the school run and the kids and house. On his four off I still work but then leave all the rest to him as I’m working. Kids are at school he sits around for hours as it doesn’t take that long to do the house and walk the dogs.

So looking into this, his love language is acts of service. So am I supposed to be thrilled he pulls his weight around the house? If Pete, Paula or joe lived with me I would expect them to do it too....because it’s our house and we live there!!! That’s not love!!!! It’s bloody decency!

As you can see I’m pretty pissed this is his act of love. I’m trying my best to get on with it though. His gone to watch the football, I’ve cleaned the house top to bottom, sorted the kids and will put them to bed soon, also changed the living room around to give it a fresh look and checked the tumble dryer to see if any washing needed folding....so, are these acts of service? Will he walk through the door and see that I’ve made an effort to show him I love him or will he think “of course the house is done and the kids sorted, I wasn’t here to do it so of course she would” (as that is what I’d expect from him, to sort the house and girls if I wasn’t home) which is why maybe I don’t see this as love.

Anyone who got acts of service on the live language bullshit, would you love me for doing this? What would you love me to do to fulfil your act of service love? I’m determined to put some effort into this (just so I can stop feeling so unloved myself I guess).

Love languages obviously aren’t science or a panacea. But they are a good basis for thinking about how we express and receive our needs l; and the difference between actions versus intentions and how we tend to judge ourselves by the latter whilst judging others by the former.

I must have read posts like this in this section a hundred or more times:

“DH says it feels like I don’t love him because I’m rarely affectionate with him, he says the only people I hug and kiss are the DC; but I’m always doing things to show him I love him like buying his favourite snacks when I’m in the supermarket and making him a packed lunch for work every day. Plus, I feel like he doesn’t love me, he never shows me he does, I’d just like him to buy me a little bunch of flowers or bar of chocolate every so often like other women seem to get - but he says that he tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful all the time and that should be enough to show how he feels.”

Or some variation thereof.

It’s really just a starting point for better communication and listening to each other in a relationship.

@Howcanthisbe123 feeling lonely is usually about lack of emotional connection rather than affection tbh.

I always think of this poem about love being maintenance. Not all love is showy, some is practical, steady and no less important. Reminds me of my dad. (Does not at all remind me of STBXH- my love language is acts of service and he did jack shit)

There is a kind of love called maintenance
Which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it

Which checks the insurance, and doesnt forget
The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs;

Which answers letters; which knows the way
The money goes; which deals with dentists

And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains,
And postcards to the lonely; which upholds

The permanently rickety elaborate
Structures of living, which is Atlas.

And maintenance is the sensible side of love,
Which knows what time and weather are doing
To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring;
Laughs at my dryrotten jokes; remembers
My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps
My suspect edifice upright in air,
As Atlas did the sky.

I think the love language thing does work. Mine is acts of service, followed by quality time. I’m single, but say my adult ds pops round and mows my lawn without me asking? That makes me feel loved. If I was words of affirmation, I’d appreciate a thoughtful “I love you” text, if gifts were my thing it’d be a bar of my favourite chocolate or something. I also show my love that way.. so nipping in and cleaning ds2’s room while he’s at his dad’s for the weekend, so it’s all nice for him to come home to, even though technically it’s his job.
But honestly, I think maybe it’s a bit of a red herring for you? It sounds like there’s a bunch of other stuff going on too?

I think Acts of Service is doing things for you that make your life easier. NOT just shared chores.

So my bf built me a little garden when he heard me talk about wanting one. Or will drive out of his way to pick me up from work when he knows I'm tired. Or spend all night massaging my back when he knows I'm feeling unwell. Or wake up every morning (even when he's knackered) and make me a cup of coffee because he knows I can't function without it.

I do sometimes wish he was more emotive verbally, or planned grand gestures, but then that isn't who he is - only every now and then will he make the effort to say something sweet. But that's a compromise I have accepted, as his love language is one that works well for me - having lived alone for many years, having someone do things for me, and share my load means a lot more than 'I love yous'.

But if this doesn't make you feel loved, then have you tried asking him to do things that will? Granted it may not come instinctively to him, but part of the love language ides is that he too learns what you need to feel loved. And there's a compromise in between. It shouldn't just be all about his love language. Yours matters too.

My partner would probably say "acts of service" were his love language. However he and I don't live together so it's easier to see when he is doing something for me. I had a car accident a few months back and rang him mid work in a panic and he jumped in his car and raced round to rescue me, sorted my car and got me and my DD (who was with me) on our way for a weekend away. It was nice of him - particularly as we'd had a big row earlier that day and not cleared anything up. It never occurred to me for a second that he wouldn't help me even though I wasn't sure if either of us were speaking to one another... He didn't mention the row and gave me a big hug as I was properly tearful.

He also comes round when I'm sick to make dinner and will tidy up, sort my daughters stuff for school etc.. He's taken my car for an MOT because I was unwell and driven me to various hospital appointments and just generally is 100% reliable to help if I need it. None of which I expect and all of which I am grateful for.

However he also gives hugs and says he loves me because that is my love language and what I need to hear. I do favors for him because it is his love language and I know he really appreciates them.

Your husband can't just say that acts of service are his love language and you need to be ok with that. He has to make efforts to communicate with you in your love language!!

@category12

But hang on a minute - it's not him that's doubting the love between you, is it?

He knows you do.

It's you that doesn't believe in his love for you.

So what you're planning to do in adopting his alleged love language is utterly pointless. You're already angry about it, so how you expect it to help, I don't know. . Angrily throw him a cup of tea and resentfully blow his tyres up for him and I'm pretty sure it won't make him love you.

Exactly; I don't get it either. Who's suggested you should do this, OP? Where did you get the idea from? Do you understand why people are supposed to perform acts of service - i.e. if their partner wants them to do it more?

"Love languages" do sicken me slightly, but the idea that people express love, and like to have love expressed, in different ways isn't total bullshit, compared with some of the real nonsense about Mars and Venus that used to be floating around.

But the important thing is that you need to do stuff for your spouse, the love of your life, in THEIR love language
Like with every language, speaking and understanding the other person's language are both important.

But the question here is whether OP's partner actually is expressing affection at all, or is just claiming to do so.

Love languages is overhyped shit, tbh. If they work at all, it's only because each person in the couple are fundamentally decent people.

My ex didn't do any love language, because he was fundamentally unable to love anyone but himself.

My exh did not do or appreciate "acts of service" at all - and I only realised how much I missed it when I got together with my current bf. One example might be that I happen to mention I like a particular hard-to-find food and haven't had it in ages. A week later I'll go round and it turns out he's listened to what I said, made a mental note of this food and gone out and tracked it down, and he cooks me a tasty meal. Or we are talking about holidays and I mention I'd like to go to Pompei. He's been there before, and has loads of other ideas where to go, but is keen on going there because I would like it. He researches into the best way to get to Pompei. It feels like he's listening to me, wants to do something I will appreciate, and is willing to put time and effort into it on my behalf.

My exh used to tell me that I was the love of his life, but never made me a cup of coffee and would roll his eyes if I asked for one. He continued to tell me I was the love of his life while telling his affair partner that he had never been in love with me, ever.

I think it's little acts to show you care... not doing his share of the housework for him!

So making him a cup of coffee, or remembering that he fancied a curry and making that next time you're cooking.

The thing is HIS language might be acts of service, but yours may be physical affection. So you both have to do things to suit the other person.
If you're going to carry out acts of service for him, what is he going to do for you?
Words of affirmation? Physical touch?
You need to have a proper conversation about what you need out of the relationship, and what you both expect / will accept from the other.

@Kanaloa

Like, him pulling his weight in the house and walking the dogs isn’t a service to you it’s just him being a normal person.

Yes this is true. I think if I lived with my DP I’d expect his acts of service to be a bit more ‘special’ but as he has his own house, when he does anything domestic or DIY related at my house it is ‘above and beyond’. I think the idea is really more like your example.

However, I’m always surprised how many people make themselves tea without offering you one, or get themselves a snack but don’t ask if they can get you something while they’re up. Even those small things show a level of consideration that seems to be missing for many people.

You need to be very clear about what your love language is and he needs to do it. Otherwise you are not feeling loved. I presume by what your saying its words and yet here is this guy not saying he loves you for 2 years. That's complete shit for anyone but for you it's like being starved. Have one last very clear conversation about what YOU want . Maybe read that section together from the book/ online. You need compliments/ words about who you are as a woman etc. See if there is a change. But to be honest if he hasn't voluntarily said l love you for two years he is a waste of space! I think even the worse dps would say that the odd time.