Acts of service. Really FFS!!

[Howcanthisbe123]

For the past two years, in our 19 year relationship things are going downhill fast. I feel completely unloved (and very lonely). It was over 2 years ago he told me he loved me, he never buys me gifts unless an occasion, never holds my hand, cuddles me, kisses me, just nothing. You get the idea.

We’re in our 30s.

So, I work full time, he does too but in 12 hour shifts of four. As we both work and have kids we both pull our weight around the house. Only difference being I work from home, so when his working his four, I have to do my work and the school run and the kids and house. On his four off I still work but then leave all the rest to him as I’m working. Kids are at school he sits around for hours as it doesn’t take that long to do the house and walk the dogs.

So looking into this, his love language is acts of service. So am I supposed to be thrilled he pulls his weight around the house? If Pete, Paula or joe lived with me I would expect them to do it too....because it’s our house and we live there!!! That’s not love!!!! It’s bloody decency!

As you can see I’m pretty pissed this is his act of love. I’m trying my best to get on with it though. His gone to watch the football, I’ve cleaned the house top to bottom, sorted the kids and will put them to bed soon, also changed the living room around to give it a fresh look and checked the tumble dryer to see if any washing needed folding....so, are these acts of service? Will he walk through the door and see that I’ve made an effort to show him I love him or will he think “of course the house is done and the kids sorted, I wasn’t here to do it so of course she would” (as that is what I’d expect from him, to sort the house and girls if I wasn’t home) which is why maybe I don’t see this as love.

Anyone who got acts of service on the live language bullshit, would you love me for doing this? What would you love me to do to fulfil your act of service love? I’m determined to put some effort into this (just so I can stop feeling so unloved myself I guess).

‘Acts of service’ and ‘love language’ -

What is this utter nonsense?

We did an online quiz once just out of curiosity. I think mine came up pretty tied between words and physical touch which I’d agree with.

DH’s came up as ‘thoughtful gifts’ which proves he wasn’t taking the quiz seriously as he quite simply couldn’t care less about gifts, is never all that arsed about anything I buy him I don’t think although he will be touched I’ve made an effort and always tells me he appreciates it but genuinely I don’t think he’d mind if I didn’t bother, we have a joke that the greatest gift I could give him is not to spend any money or bring any more tat into the house! And whilst he’s occasionally got it right for me, mostly he needs some pretty serious direction.

He’s definitely an acts of service guy. But I don’t class the housework in that - it’s more things like he’ll get up early to defrost my car in winter, he’ll fill my car up with petrol because he knows how much I irrationally hate having to do it, when I got my MA I came home to find my certificate framed and hung, will give me a lift/ pick me up if I go out with friends. That kind of stuff.

Do adults really structure their relationships around a Cosmo quiz?

I’m not sure why the cynicism. Unless people are maybe misunderstanding what “acts of service” means. We all have certain methods of communication that we find more meaningful from a partner than others. I’m not someone who needs to be told that I am loved all the time (although DH does this anyway). And I’m not a super tactile person either. I’d rather he showed me in his actions (AKA acts of service). We are both pretty similar really, because DH’s primary “love language” is also “acts of service”. So that’s how we primarily tend to show each other that we care on a daily basis.

He does little things for me like filling up my car with fuel, putting my lunch in my work bag while I’m still getting ready and filling my water bottle which he leaves with my keys next to the door (because I’m always running late and he tries to speed me up getting out of the house!). If he knows I’m having a shit day then he will often go and buy my favourite dinner for when I get home. I do things for him too, like make him up a flask of coffee if I know he’s on back-to-back work calls all day and won’t have time to stop and make a drink for example.

It’s not about doing your fair share of household stuff that you’re jointly responsible for. It’s about doing things that aren’t necessarily your job, because you want to take care of the other person and show them that you love them. It sounds really wanky when you use all the “love languages” terminology but if you think about what it really means, it’s not at all.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-5-love-languages-explained

Explanation of the 5 'love languages'.

I think acts of service is things like driving out late at night to pick someone up from the pub so they can enjoy themselves or giving up a day at the weekend to driven 150 miles to look at a car they might not buy after all.

It's not general everyday housework. It's going above and beyond for their benefit.

Well apparently, and this kills now to write, but him making me a cup of tea every day is the equivalent to him telling me he loves me 😳 I think that’s such shit, if I went to my neighbours house she would make me tea, she doesn’t love me!

He also fills the car up (so what!) buys my favourite chocolates when doing the food shop (well I’m not going to eat a chocolate I don’t like am I!) and also does other little things which are apparently the equivalent of him whisking me away for a relaxing weekend in Italy......(Yh right!)

That’s him telling me he loves me!!

Ok, not housework, I’m getting it now.
So on his next four shifts I’ll fill the car up with petrol, get his clothes out, make him lunch (begrudgingly, I hate doing that) make him a coffee to take to work and do the washing and cook the dinner as he would normally do that on his four off, so if I have the washing all done before his first day off, that’s a act of service right? As it is one of his jobs normally.

I can’t believe how much fucking effort this it- why can’t I just say to him I love him and he understand that!

Also the book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.

Acts of service: agreed, they should be something special for the loved one. My DH is this and does things like: fix my car, strim the bit of garden I want done, fits a shelf when I moan about storage. In return he expects spoken acknowledgment.

I want cuddles and physical care (like OP) but don't get them.

When I delved deeper, I asked myself what love language was I expressing. I realised to my sadness that I wasn't giving out anything. Because I'd felt alone and unloved (in the way I need to get these things) I'd long given up giving out loving signals. Since then, I've made an effort to be positive and nice and so on when he does some act of service (rather than pointing out he's missed a bit ) and I try to return in his language e.g. picking up his favourite snacks. I'm not sure he's noticed to be honest, but I'm trying and one day maybe I'll get those sofa cuddles

But hang on a minute - it's not him that's doubting the love between you, is it?

He knows you do.

It's you that doesn't believe in his love for you.

So what you're planning to do in adopting his alleged love language is utterly pointless. You're already angry about it, so how you expect it to help, I don't know. . Angrily throw him a cup of tea and resentfully blow his tyres up for him and I'm pretty sure it won't make him love you.

This all sounds like a load of nonsense tbh. Like lots of pseudo science psychology that doesn't actually have any basis in psychology. Is it just from a self help book? It sounds like life would be easier if you stopped obsessing with the labels and just focussed on the issues. You want more affection, so tell him that.

Is your husband/partner generous? How often does he think of you?

You explain how you feel about chores etc a joint responsibility but I wonder if he sees it as your responsibility and because he loves you so much, he's helping you out. I agree acts of service should be more than this based on the link. My partner just offered to drive home on his lunch break tomorrow so I don't need to walk an hour to get to my appointment, completely selfless as it would take him an hour in driving time. I turned him down but that's what I think acts of service are although I could have misunderstood How many times does something similar happen to you?

@Howcanthisbe123 like fixing my car wipers, painting and putting up shelves, getting me drinks, cleaning my car, sorting my garden doing shopping for me or picking up my older dc from school/ work. Jobs that would technically be mine and not his as we have a house each. Going out and getting enough a paper on a Sunday morning, making me breakfast in bed etc etc He does them willingly and often doesn’t even need to be asked.

Well let me know if you find a solution...same crap here and totally pissed off of being constantly overlooked, taken for granted etc...since when loading a washing machine or feeding the kids that you chose to have is showing your wife that you love her...as a person....I am like you...more and more frustrated, I’ve talked and discussed so many times....yet, nothing changes and I am afraid that I do need my husband to show me a bit more appreciation than what he would show some random person....anyway...rant over but what you describe sounds so familiar....!

@Howcanthisbe123

Well apparently, and this kills now to write, but him making me a cup of tea every day is the equivalent to him telling me he loves me 😳 I think that’s such shit, if I went to my neighbours house she would make me tea, she doesn’t love me!

He also fills the car up (so what!) buys my favourite chocolates when doing the food shop (well I’m not going to eat a chocolate I don’t like am I!) and also does other little things which are apparently the equivalent of him whisking me away for a relaxing weekend in Italy......(Yh right!)

That’s him telling me he loves me!!

But that's the whole point of love languages. He shows he loves you by doing these things. He is saying he loves you but in his own 'language' and you don't speak his 'language' so you don't appreciate it. You need to tell him that you need words tell him to start speaking your language'.

The whole love languages thing gives me hives, to be honest. He seems to be saying that the basic household/everyday stuff he does is some sort of extra level of stuff that he does just for you, is that right?

Well if you aren’t interested in him actually feeling loved (you just want to tell him and that should do) and you don’t appreciate the ways he shows you that he cares, and neither of you are really willing to try and communicate your feelings in a way that the other would find meaningful, then maybe you’re just not compatible. It’s all very well sneering at other people (who were actually trying to help having taken your OP at face value as a genuine request for help) for taking “love languages” somewhat seriously, but we’re not the ones who are moaning on MN about our unfulfilling marriages. So maybe there is something in it after all!

Of course I’ve mentioned to him numerous times about this problem, he says he will change, he never does, we go around in a circle and back to the start. I’m absolutely done with it!! This is the last chance, I will leave without looking back as there is only so much one person can take, but we have been together for years and years and I do love him and so I’m willing to put effort into this so I know I have done all I could of.

To be fair he does LOADS of acts of service things for me, the poster up top would absolutely adore my husband and think he was the worlds best, but to me, it’s not love!!! ITS NOT LOVE! I don’t feel loved!!!

Ignore all the love language stuff and just sit down and have a discussion on what you want from each other.

I don’t think it’s a load of rubbish - I think it can be quite helpful in trying to understand each other. More that than using it as a manual for marriage. It won’t work though if he can’t be bothered to try to do what makes you feel loved - telling you and giving you affection. It can become a vicious cycle too because my husband and I, although happily married, can get frustrated by each other because he would probably like more physical affection, but I don’t feel like giving it if he can’t be bothered to clear the crumbs away or do the dishes in a way that means I don’t have to do half of them again/everything comes crashing down from the drainer as soon as I remove one precariously balanced item. Really silly examples but the ordered draining board matters to me and him listening to me and responding by doing it in a way that makes my life easier would mean a lot. I, on the other hands should make more of an effort to be more affectionate as he would probably feel more like doing what makes me feel loved/appreciated if I do what makes him feel loved/appreciated. Goodness, What a rubbish explanation! But it can really help to understand each other. However, both parties need to make an effort and it doesn’t sound like he is.

category12 Totally agree. OP needs her language spoken to her. The languages of love is not meant to mean we are stuck with only one expression. It says we naturally express our love in different ways. If OP needs verbal expressions of love from her partner but he doesn't give that to her out of an excuse that he doesn't do that kind of love expression, well, he's either a/ lazy or b/ doesn't really love her. I'm inclined to think he is the former after reading this thread.

Yes he is going to try and be more affectionate (but it only lasts so long before we are back to square one) so I thought this time, if I really try too, instead of just asking him to change, if he feels I’m actually trying to put effort in too, he will see this and not revert back to square one after a few weeks.

If it’s a lost cause then so be it but I’m not the quitting type and I am happy to genuinely try and give this marriage one last push! We’ve been together 19 years. I don’t hate him, I just feel so so lonely!

He is a great guy, the right person who appreciated what he does would absolutely love him!

I appreciate what he does, but that’s not me feeling loved by it.

The whole love language thing doesn’t work in isolation - it has to be part of a bigger picture of building the strong foundations of your relationship, putting time into it, both having shared values and goals, the absence of the 4 horsemen etc - it isn’t a standalone thing that will magically make someone feel loved and valued without the rest of it.

FWIW I’m an acts of service type too. DP is not great at chores and DIY but he knows that if he fixes a leaky shower or trims the hedges outside my house (he doesn’t live here) I’ll be forever grateful and swoon at the manual labour! Similarly if he empties the dishwasher or makes me tea without me hinting or asking it means more than him doing it when I’ve commented about it! His is physical touch and he would happily let all the jobs go to hell if I just stroked his arms all day long before taking him to bed

I think it’s useful but only as others have said, in order to understand how to best show your love to the other person. He could buy me all the expensive gifts in the world and be confused as to why I’m annoyed that he spent his time shopping instead of at my house helping me with DIY!

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I also just want to say I really appreciate your posts and all the input that’s come through, I feel like it’s helped so much!!

I'd love some acts of service!!