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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner constantly interrupts

89 replies

Lan2020 · 29/06/2021 17:26

And it's driving me nuts.
My partner is quite a loud person and tends to dominate conversation. Ironically he thinks I talk too much and take ages to make a point.

It's always frustrated me and I've told him in the past. He used to be worse because he'd literally walk away as I was talking to him and I would tell him how rude it is.

I'm finding it stressful because he's the same with my DS. He asked my son a question yesterday and he kept trying to answer himself before my son could answer. It actually causes huge friction because my son (who is quiet and respectful) gets very frustrated and annoyed with him.

As I'm typing this I'm listening to my partner in the other room. His friend is over to watch the football and he is interupting him every time he speaks! It's stressing me listening to him.

Honestly, does anyone know how i can tactfully approach this? I've tried telling him it upsets me because I feel that he doesn't value what I say, I have even just stopped talking and said I'm not going to continue telling him things (at times I'll start a sentence several times but give up), I've nicely said when DS talks to you please can you try to listen and not interrupt. He did say he didn't mean to but I think it's just the way he is and it'll be a hard habit to break. He does it with everyone but he's so loud, direct and overpowering with his speech that I don't know how to tackle it anymore.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 29/06/2021 18:33

But if you start messing about and using cringey passive aggressive replies like that poster suggested, the boyfriend will simply reply with what he’s been saying, which is, essentially ‘shut the fuck up, you’re worthless to me.’ He doesn’t want her to speak at all. Not my idea of a great way to live, but OP must like it to tolerate it for more than 1 date.

WokeGroaker · 29/06/2021 18:35

Might it be a result of undiagnosed neurodiversity? Does he tick any of the other boxes for Adhd etc?

Original poster
Lan2020 · 29/06/2021 18:35

@KirstenBlest my DS is a really helpful and polite child and he actually acknowledges that my.partner is rude. I'm so embarrassed. My partners son is similar to him (loud and doesn't care about people).

@VettiyaIruken he honestly makes me feel like I'm in the wrong. I talk too much, I can't make a point quick enough, I go on, I'm basically an oversensitive wimp and so is my son because we should handle people being abrupt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lan2020 · 29/06/2021 18:39

@wokegroaker yes he does meet the criteria. His sister who is a psychologist always said he appeared to have ADHD!

@nowevenbetter hes a very intelligent person and when we argue I feel he tries to outsmart me. With him being a medical professional i always end up being diagnosed by him as crazy.

I used to think it was ADHD type symptoms, then I thought he was purposely messing with my mind to make me look crazy.

OP posts:
user1471462115 · 29/06/2021 18:40

Tell him a conversation is like a game of tennis. Each person has a turn, and can’t have their go until the other person is done.

Original poster
Lan2020 · 29/06/2021 18:42

@user1471462115 I like that idea!

OP posts:
Lorw · 29/06/2021 18:48

He sounds like my cousin who has Aspergers (don’t think it’s referred as that anymore) very intelligent but doesn’t have the time of day for ‘stories’ as it were, very direct and likes direct answers. He will literally walk away when you’re talking to him about something, he does offend people and people think he’s rude but he does explain why, doesn’t seem to bother him that other people think he’s rude and he does know it, I think he’s just learnt that part of the social thing to explain.

UhtredRagnarson · 29/06/2021 18:51

Do you actually want to be with him? You don’t sound like you like him. (Understandably- he isn’t likeable)

Original poster
Lan2020 · 29/06/2021 18:52

@lorw what is your cousin like personality wise? Because my partner is impatient with others but loves the sound of his own voice and telling his own stories.

OP posts:
Lorw · 29/06/2021 18:58

He has little ‘obsessions’ as it were and talks about the same thing or the same story over and over, like if you’re talking about something with someone and he’s in earshot he will interrupt to talk to you about something completely different.

He doesn’t have the time of day for people, no patience, just likes everything to be direct, yes or no answers, will then shut off, Just his personality trait I suppose, I’m not super close to him.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 29/06/2021 19:13

My manager is like this. He will ask me a question and then answer it himself.

If he needs to know something about work that he doesn't know - and he HATES not knowing some factoid - he will unnecessarily tell me everything he does know about the subject matter first to let me know he is smart and does know a lot, but just missing this one piece of information. He is afraid someone is going to think he is stupid because he doesn't know absolutely everything.

It's a know-it-all, arrogant, impatient, insecurity, anxious thing. He just talks incessantly. We do much better in email.

I have a sign in my office that says, "If you let me talk, I wouldn't have to interrupt." The only way I can say something is to interrupt by saying his name, "Timothy...Timothy...Timothy..." until he stops talking.

Thank God I am not married to him. We talk about this and he says it drives his wife nuts. He also doesn't do well waiting - like waiting for a table in a restaurant. He tells me this. He knows. He can't stop.

Good luck to you!!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/06/2021 19:13

He just sounds like a prick OP. A rude prick. No amount of explaining to a rude prick that they are being a rude prick stops them being one, because they don't care.

I've got the second hand ick reading about the pompous twat!

This example you gave shows it isn't that he interrupts as a reflex, he does it to assert authority and control over the person he is speaking to:

Here is an example of a conversation
Him ' Would you like a cup of tea'
Me 'Yes please, I'll just get my...'
Him 'yes or no it's a simple question that requires a one word answer'
Me 'yes I know but I wanted to give you my cup so you could use this one'
Him 'so.is that a yes then'

He's a bully. Do you want your son to grow up being bullied at home? He's a polite, respectful boy. How unfair he's being made to feel shit by his own dad.

I have ADHD and used to interrupt people a lot but knew it was an issue and worked on coping mechanisms to stop doing it. Because I'm not an arsehole.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/06/2021 19:15

For people suggesting ADHD - he may well have it but that doesn't excuse or explain away the content of what he's interrupting with. He's being rude, dismissive, belittling and arrogant in his words and tone rather than 'just' interrupting like some people with ADHD (including me) have to train ourselves not to.

NowEvenBetter · 29/06/2021 19:24

I don’t think the boyfriend is the poor kids father, he’s just some awful bloke that OP is inflicting on the child.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/06/2021 19:28

Oh my god I had missed that - he's not even your DS' dad?!

OP I'm sorry but how awful to inflict a bully on your son and also to teach your son that it's normal for men to speak down to women like this.

Why on earth do you think this dynamic is good for you or fair on your poor son who you say is a lovely and polite little boy?

HollowTalk · 29/06/2021 19:30

Why are you putting your son through this? Is this how you want his childhood to be?

And not only is he having to cope with your twat of a partner, he has to cope with his son, too.

What are you thinking, making your son live there?

Original poster
Lan2020 · 29/06/2021 20:08

Thanks again for the messages. I do find it very difficult to communicate with him. I am calm, communicative person. My ex husband and I never raised our voices to one another. My partner does not believe this. He talks over me so much and gets loud/shouty to the point I raise my voice to be heard. He then tells me I'm an angry person and I need to seek therapy for my issues and insecurities. He honestly makes me feel as though I'm mentally unstable and that I'm the strange one.
The last time I wanted a discussion with him, I decided to send a message and sent it when I was upstairs putting the baby to bed and he was downstairs. I thought if I wrote things there was less chance of an argument. It was relating to an issue we had recently, to the point I was questionnaire our whole relationship. His response to the message was "of course I do". I had no idea what he was actually responding to as I had discussed several issues. I do realise that nobody wants to receive a long message and it looks like I was 'going on' but I couldn't verbally communicate and we needed to discuss a situation.
I then realised that instead of reading this message discussing potentially ending our relationship, he was playing on Xbox and tipsy (been drinking already a few hours). So he hadn't even read the message properly and sent a 4 word meaningless reply. This then made me really angry and upset and then the whole issue is that I'm upset and mentally unstable.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/06/2021 20:15

My partner does not believe this. He talks over me so much and gets loud/shouty to the point I raise my voice to be heard. He then tells me I'm an angry person and I need to seek therapy for my issues and insecurities. He honestly makes me feel as though I'm mentally unstable and that I'm the strange one.

You're in an abusive relationship.

Your children are living in an abusive home.

Your son is learning that it's normal for men to speak to women like shit and for women to tolerate it. He's learning that's what a relationship looks like.

Do you really want to stay with this man? If so, why?

Original poster
Lan2020 · 29/06/2021 20:30

Oh and apparently the reason I go quiet with him and get upset is because of my hormones. He has recorded the days and times I'm 'grumpy' but has decided it's possibly not my cycle and I need counseling! I asked him if when he records my moods, does he reflect on.his behaviour that caused that. I hate going quiet or seemingly sulky but can't actually have a conversation with him without raised voices.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 29/06/2021 20:31

Him, him him. Communicate ‘you’re dumped, now fuck off.’ that’s all you need. More importantly, can your kid go somewhere else when your awful boyfriend is abusing you all?

Jasmine11 · 29/06/2021 20:35

We have friends where the man is like this. He has a go at his wife if he thinks she has interrupted him, but I've never met anyone like him before who talks over people so much. He is actually a good hearted guy but has a total lack of self-awareness.

Jasmine11 · 29/06/2021 20:38

Just read your updates OP - your partner sounds like a real twerp, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship and why are you exposing your poor son to this self absorbed idiot?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/06/2021 20:44

@Lan2020

You're in an abusive relationship.

Your children are living in an abusive home.

Your son is learning that it's normal for men to speak to women like shit and for women to tolerate it. He's learning that's what a relationship looks like.

Do you really want to stay with this man? If so, why?

KirstenBlest · 29/06/2021 20:47

I'm sure your DS is lovely @Lan2020, as are you.

It sounds like he is gaslighting you.

Please consider what you are getting out of the relationship. Going by what you posted your partner sounds awful.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 29/06/2021 20:49

When all is calm can you say to him that EVERY time he interrupts you, you are going to walk away. You are not grumpy or hormonal, it is because he talks at you, not with you. When he will listen to you, you will listen to him. But you must follow through.
If he does it when you can't walk away, i.e in the car, be prepared with headphones or turn the radio up and start singing, loudly!
Maybe, just maybe, he will understand it when he is the one not being able to finish what he is saying.