The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

Thankyou all xxx

What stuff is it he needs to pick up? Leave it outside or take it to school, or he can get another set of stuff for his house

I second the Ring doorbell. It also enables you to speak to him (when necessary) without opening the door, having to shout through it, or the worry that he may barge in or stop you shutting the door in his face. There's also the psychological advantage (disadvantage to him) of you being able to see him and him NOT being able to see you.

If he's being 'quieter' (relatively speaking) and paying what he should pay I'd guess that he's gotten legal advice and was told he seriously needed to change his interactions with you or he risks losing a whole lot more than he thinks he will.

I think eufy doorbells do the same as ring, but you don't have to pay a maintenance fee - it is a one-off fee?
Amazon do them?

uk.eufylife.com/products/e8210

What stuff is he collecting? Surely with 50/50 he buys his own?

Ah it's their cuddlies and lunchboxes for the next day - I'm not risking those going into school, if the cuddlies are in school DD1 will want to take them every day or take them out of her bag and lose them. At the weekends it's things like musical instruments, football kit etc. Another year and they will be able to manage, but right now they are a bit fragile, and given how attached DD1 is to particular items I'm not willing to risk it.

I deal with him very firmly on the doorstep, I'm not overly concerned about that. I step outside and shut the door behind me. He won't say anything controversial in front of the kids, he just says it behind my back.

I have a victory to report - DD1 has tied her own shoelaces not once, not twice, but THREE times this evening, just to show me she can do it! She has been struggling for two years to learn this skill and I'm super proud of her.

I am looking into the co-parenting app, I think that's a really good idea. I kept to my own boundaries this week, didn't message him with the results from sports day and no updates on the kids, and haven't heard from him at all until I said I would drop off their things tomorrow. He said he'd leave the door open as he has a call so I said I'd just put them in the hall. Job done. I really do need to get him out of my WhatsApp.

Wonder if you can get them a 2nd cuddly each so one eventually lives at each house. Longish term aim but one worth trying.

Glad you are cutting back on comms from your side too and firming up your boundaries.

KOKO

@StuckInPollyannaMode

DD1 has tied her own shoelaces not once, not twice, but THREE times this evening, just to show me she can do it! She has been struggling for two years to learn this skill and I'm super proud of her.

Good for DD1!! I'm still having problems with laces that unravel at the most inconvenient times - and I'm a lot older than her. 😳

How I've not (yet) fallen flat on my face I just don't know! 🌹

Great news - shoelace tying is such a victory. You're doing great.

Good for DD1!

Is she diagnosed Dyspraxic? Because my DD (eventually) was, and Dyspraxia has all sorts of co morbid stuff with ASD/ADHD /ADD.

DD is diagnosed ASC (formarly hfAutism aka Aspergers ), PDA Autism, Dyspraxia, and other non verbal ld.

So much of what you describe sounds so much like DD, at that age.

DD is mid 20s and STILL struggles with tying laces, etc. Despite having a first class honours BA, an MA and a PhD.

Tbh, though it’s unlikely to happen, that cheap bastard should probably be buying them cuddlies to keep at his house. He hasn’t got the insight to think of it. Perhaps send a message to suggest that a lovely outing with the girls would be to buy one or two each to make his home feel secure and more like “their place”, and that they can leave at his place to avoid the potential dramas of forgetting their fuzzy friends or even worse, losing them.

Do either of you have a garage? I used to nanny for divorced parents who left things in their garage for the children and that worked well.

No matter how tough the tough days are, you are handling this fantastically. Xx

Cuddlies need to smell and feel right and have good sleep association that will take time.

@StuckInPollyannaMode smoking is going well, quitting not so much … not helped by my lovely friend who points out that we could probably just about afford private school if she just got on with it she is genuinely lovely but argh I feel so guilty for being weak!

@DartmoorDoughnut - I have never smoked (thank god!) but I have certainly been there for others when they have tried to quit. Some people I know have tried over and over and over again many times before they finally get there. Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a very addictive drug, like heroin or sugar. Be kind and understand that your intention is there and your intention is good. You can do this when the time is right for you.

@StuckInPollyannaMode - you are handling Geller just fine at the moment, but I did wonder if you’re bcc-ing your SHL into your communications with him?
It just keeps costs down. Even better if you CC them into it.

[quote ByeByeMissAmericanPie]@StuckInPollyannaMode - you are handling Geller just fine at the moment, but I did wonder if you’re bcc-ing your SHL into your communications with him?
It just keeps costs down. Even better if you CC them into it.[/quote]
This can also push costs up, I would suggest that it's best to provide short summaries where anything is relevant. It's possible that by the time this gets anywhere near court it's just an insight backed up with some evidence that's relevant.

I thought solicitors charge for just reading an email- excuse me if that's wrong or cynical but be careful

@Shouldbedoing

I thought solicitors charge for just reading an email- excuse me if that's wrong or cynical but be careful

Yes they do. So hold back on lots of correspondence unless it's vital and relevant to the stage that you are at in the divorce.

Basically, it comes down to Form E, both parties income needs and their desire for contact. If Mum is main carer then there's not even any point in discussing contact further unless there is likely harm to the children. And sadly the courts have a very high threshold for likely harm and it usually requires social services intervention.

For this sort of alienation and psychological harm the OP is best placed putting therapy bills as an income need for all 3 of them.

I speak from experience; which also tells me that actually OP will be fine. She's detaching, so will the girls and by this time next year things will look a lot rosier.

I agree that having solicitors read every email can run up the bill.

My BFF's ex wasn't a 'Geller' per se, he was just a run of the mill asshole that sent nasty, abusive emails. She directed them right into a spam file and asked that I read them first. If there was something she needed to know I'd tell her that bit. If it was just his usual vitriol I simply said "More of the same" and deleted it.

Is there anyone who can do the same office for you? Separate his whinging and complaining from the actual topics you need to respond to or that do need to be forwarded on to a solicitor?

Hope you've had a good and Gellar free weekend!

Yay, Go DD1 and shoelaces, they are tricky to learn!

Geller is a twat. I hate that word, so it’s a strong one to use.

Anyway, I can’t even be bothered to type it out. Been, gone, happened. Whatever.

What I do want to tell you about is how utterly brilliant the girls were this weekend. For it was family wedding weekend, and how wonderful it was for us all to be together again. They were absolute superstars, confident and chatty and friendly to everyone. They looked gorgeous and did their thing in the church beautifully.

I got so many compliments on them I almost burst with pride. Instead of that, I got hammered with my cousins in a field. So many people said how much happier and more positive I was. It was joyful to not have Geller there, being his boring self. I just did my social butterfly thing. Even told my mum that what I was looking for was a compliment not a judgement when she told me my heels were too high!

It was my birthday yesterday. I’m basically celebrating today as yesterday was spent in the pouring rain, with the hangover from hell, either at Kwik Fit or on the motorway. I’m off out for brunch with DI Dishy. Who sent me a card through the post so it would be here when I got home…we’ve had a conversation about feelings and where we stand. I’m feeling a lot more secure and all is good.

I’ve got a cold and it’s my second jab today.

Oh - can’t believe I nearly forgot to tell you - DI Dishy taking me away to the coast next weekend for the night.

Happy birthday Polly your first as a free woman! Sounds like an epic weekend

Happy happy birthday!