The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

Ah thank you my lovelies!

I was spoilt rotten yesterday by DI Dishy. Not in a boundary destroying, red flag way, but with a couple of really thoughtful gifts (hello, fire pit! he thought the girls would like it too!) and... erm... some sex toys.

Well. All I can say (or could at the time, and for about half an hour after) was WOW

You know that work thing I alluded to in an earlier post? Heard halfway through lunch in the garden yesterday that we got a contract we were chasing. Which is with Gellar's competitors. I told them in the pitch when they said they wanted to emulate his company's success I was divorcing one of their team. They said if it wasn't a problem for me, it wasn't a problem for them, and thanked me for my honesty.

Had my second jab yesterday, thankfully no ill effects this time, some beautiful peonies have just arrived from a very good friend and I went for a cracking run this morning.

I feel like a different woman to a year ago. Hell, to the last decade.

I've said it before, but 'GO YOU' Polly!

(And DI Dishy sounds amazing!)

WooHoooo!!

As you were... 🌹

Nice one 👍

Had my second jab yesterday, thankfully no ill effects this time, some beautiful peonies have just arrived from a very good friend and I went for a cracking run this morning.

You go, grrrrl!

It's wonderful reading your updates!

Great news on the contract, well done :)

Sounds like a lovely afternoon! Make sure the fire pit ends up downwind of the house, ours always smokes horrendously!

Happy birthday Polly, I've not commented on your threads before but was glued to them last week whilst anxiously waiting for an operation.

Happy birthday, your thread went MIA.

Glad to read all the positives going on for you.

Hope you are recovering ok @Snowbeau

My parents are here, on their way back from the wedding. At the weekend I asked my mother if she was happy with spinach and feta cannelloni for supper, as she can sometimes be a bit funny about cheese, or would she prefer something else.

She hummed and hawed and it was plain she wanted something else, fine no problem. So last night I made Nigella’s Spanish chicken with salad. Quite by chance, as I had everything in and I fancied it, I made the cannelloni as it’ll do me for lunch for the rest of the week.

Then she picks all the fucking chorizo out.

THEN she says ‘Oooh no I think I’m better with something else’

So sarcastically says I, ‘I’ve some spinach and feta cannelloni in the fridge’

OOOOH LOVELY SAYS SHE

And hoofs it down

Then hides the wine in the fridge

I think it’s safe to say we’ve reached our limit. They go home in the morning. I mean, I am trying very hard to be grateful.

Very hard

Apparently I’m being aggressive. Because I asserted my boundaries…She doesn’t like it.

Watching an Agatha Christie program last night I had 2 sudden major realisations. One was that the response she was provoking was for me to emotionally over eat (I had three chocolate digestives and an ice cream in the kitchen in secret whilst they were with the kids).

My response to her needling and making me uncomfortable is to overeat or drink. Interesting.

It explains a LOT. I had lots of issues with food as a teenager and into my 20s, my mother has control issues with food and snippy comments etc. It’s a cycle.

And then…are you ready for this? I realised how similar my mother is to Geller.

Never happy, can never please them etc. She tries with food and catering, he tries with work. Both cruel and snappy and snippy little comments that undermine my self confidence and they find it hard to praise. The niggling, the control, the obsessive planning, the endless do it my way or I’ll disapprove.

Neither is ever truly happy because they want the external validation.

I basically married my mother. Whom I have an …interesting relationship with. One friend described it as a relationship that as best doesn’t respect me and at worst completely belittles and undermines me. The really sad thing is that my mother thinks we have a great relationship.

They go in the morning. I will run it out. And lay off the booze for a couple of nights (coping mechanism!)

Well done on recognising your mother, that can’t have been a terribly comfortable realisation. Mine can be very hard work but I have recently come to understand that her control issues are most likely triggered by anxiety, so I need to work hard to make sure mine doesn’t manifest itself that way too.
Only a few more hours to go and then your daughterly duty is done for a while. What can you do to make life easier for yourself around her in future without removing those boundaries you’ve managed to get in place?

You might need an exorcist when she’s gone.

(Home that is… not wishing her dead. I’m not that horrible, despite the glib comments I have made about Geller in the past!)

Powerful realisation OP.

She certainly doesn't sound like a healthy person to be around, particularly as you are trying to establish boundaries with Geller.

Plainly put, your mother sounds deeply unpleasant and very destructive.

I think space and distance is key.

Oh I can just imagine you watching her eat the cannelloni!

Well it's no surprise to me, way back it was asked what your parents were like.

Good on you for realising it yourself. You need boundaries of steel and short meet ups. If they whine to see the DC then drop them off for a week in the holidays!! So long as she doesn't do the same with them BUT like Gellar she sadly probably does.

I would not have given her the cannelloni, I’d have said, firmly but innocently, oh you clearly weren’t keen on the dish when I asked you specifically yesterday so went to a lot of trouble to make you an alternative. Would you like to make yourself a cheese sandwich if you are still hungry?

She sounds like a more passive-aggressive version of my mother. Mine was like that when others were around, but much more openly aggressive in private. Much empathy. Now that she’s dead, my body-image and relationship with food is ever so much better. Hopefully it won’t have to come to this for you, @StuckInPollyannaMode

Giraffe is correct in pointing out you didn't need to provide an alternative.
You have unknowingly been subjected to this so long you were a sitting duck for G.
Next time say, "sorry you dont like it, never mind, theres X (banana !) for desert " Smirk
Its good you can see it now.

Did DM provide you with an alternative when you were growing up?

@Mix56

Giraffe is correct in pointing out you didn't need to provide an alternative. You have unknowingly been subjected to this so long you were a sitting duck for G. Next time say, "sorry you dont like it, never mind, theres X (banana !) for desert " Smirk Its good you can see it now.

The key with difficult people is to feign not giving a damn when they have a "problem" with something.

OK
Whatever
Thats fine
Whatever you like
Suit yourself....all said in a very passive way, as if their annoyance hasn't registered.

Like dealing with a toddler.

OP,
Now that you have joined two such massive dots, reflect on how you will manage your mother going forward.

Personally the suggestion of not seeing much of her and sending the girls to HER if she is so keen is a great suggestion.

Your mother's behaviour as @RandomMess

You have bravely removed one monkey from your back, get rid of her too.

You are doing so well.

Set up Ubereats on her phone with her credit card details and tell her to get what she wants.

Morning folks, and happiest of Fridays to you all!

I've not had a good 24 hours.

Actually, that's not true. I had a good day yesterday workwise, and a decent run.

Then last night it just all went out of sync. DI Dishy is poorly so we didn't go out, entirely understandable, poor chap is miserable. I was disappointed that we didn't go out but made the best of it, had a nice supper and watched Schitts Creek (just getting into season 1) and had a chat with a friend. Geller is being chipper which makes me think he's up to something, but I haven't heard from him. Had a giggle with my friend about it, and a glass of wine. All was good.

And then all of a sudden I went on a massive - and I mean MASSIVE - food blowout. Talk about emotional eating. I'm quite ashamed of myself. And I feel awful today. Total food hangover. I ate more last night that I usually eat in a weekend. You're talking like 4 packets of Wotsits, 2 mini packets of fingers, cheese and crackers, a bagel...and on. And I'd had a decent dinner.

I've had a horrendous night as a result.

Today is another day. I'm not going to overexercise to compensate for it. I've woken up feeling like I'm getting a cold so I'm going to do my pilates, eat sensibly and drink lots of water.

But WTF was that about? Emotional eating? Reaction to my mother? And how can I stop it happening again? I was totally out of control. Scared myself a bit if I'm honest.

Disappoint about DI Dishy, worry about what Gellar is up to, possibly PMT???

I think it may well be an emotional reaction to things. Well done deciding not to over exercise to compensate - these things happen, beating yourself up over them never helps. It might be worth discussing with your therapist so you can develop some more positive coping mechanisms when the shit hits the fan, but ultimately this is just another bump in the road. You've overcome them before, you'll do it again. People say 'let it gooooo' but it isn't that easy, is it?

Have a calm, steady weekend with much serenity.