The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

I was going great guns until now. Even did the Lands End park run this morning! I have spent thousands of imaginary pounds on art and houses in St Ives this morning. I was going to have a cream tea at Olives as suggested, but it’s closed until this evening, shame as it looks lovely. Instead I had a crab roll overlooking the harbour.

And now?

Sitting on the beach at Carbis Bay in floods of tears.

The girls and I have missed out on so much by me going along with his petty schedules and rigid routines. New places, fun experiences.

There’s a family I just saw on the beach. Two littles and the parents. The joy of the dad to be with his children and they way he spoke to them was just lovely. They have never had that. Days out, when we had them, were filled with arguments and angst and hidden tensions.

I put the kids through so much. His anger and snappiness and sulking. I feel I need to apologise to them for choosing such a shit dad for them.

The other night in the bath we were talking about things we were good at. DD2 said ‘Mummy is good at looking after us and being silly and having fun’. DD1 said ‘and Daddy is good at shouting and being angry and telling people what to do’

It just breaks my heart.

My world became so small because of him. I can never let that happen again. I need to show the girls what a big wide world there is out there, and that it’s ok to embrace it, they don’t need to be excessively cautious any more

Another thing that has occurred to me - how do I know what shape a healthy relationship should be? I don’t think I’ve ever had one.

Polly,

Stop "should-ing" on yourself.

You realised. You're out. You've saved the kids.
You're the fucking hero of your story.

For the relationship stuff: therapy. The freedom programme. Therapy. A bit more therapy.

Recovery is a process - it takes time and support.

Now. Wipe off those tears. Take a deep, fresh breath of air and continue enjoying life.

Xx

You are NOT responsible for how you and your children were treated by Geller. His actions, his responsibility.

You got the three of you out. You have shown your girls they can leave a bad relationship - they will come to understand this more and more as they get older. You are a role model. Don't define yourself by what you did when you were trying and trying to make everything OK for your children when you were a victim of a controlling arsehole.

Polly no words but your little ones no longer have that life.. You are a lovely great beautiful mum and from now on every thing is great for your lovely daughters.. Enjoy being away from him

Loving reading you posts...

Now 👀 Polly, you can stop beating yourself up right now. Firstly you didn't know that Gellar was going to be such a crap father, there are thousands of women in the same boat who had children with men who turned out to be awful fathers, but neither you nor them had a crystal ball. The important thing to focus on is that you gave him a chance to be a decent husband and father and when he showed himself completely incapable of being that, you took the enormously brave step of getting you and the girls out of that toxic environment.

Since escaping his clutches it seems to me that you and the dollies have been grabbing onto and trying new experiences by the bucketload and you made that happen for them.

Polly, the girls are only 9yrs old, you have loads more years to show them that big wide wonderful world and they are going to appreciate it much more than when they were toddlers. You are a warrior Polly, start celebrating what you have achieved in first getting free and everything you have done since for you and the girls. Now try your tears and go and have a big glass of something nice.

Polly your girls have seen that Mummy got away from what wasn't making a happy family. They now know how to be strong independent young ladies and not settle for anything less than happiness. What better role model can you ask for than that! And likewise, you now know that you won't settle for anything less than the best!
Enjoy your break, you deserve it!

Thank you. I’m ok now.

I have eaten chocolate and now I have gin.

And a headache. But an early night will help with that - that and some time and rereading all your comments. You all help me so much xx

Geller is responsible for his behaviour. Not you. Him.

You are responsible for your behaviour. Which the girls clearly see as positive, and contributing positively to their lives.

So, erm. WELL DONE!

The girls have one parent they can rely on, for love, for cuddles, for what they need, physically, mentally, and emotionally. That's so much more than so many children, sadly. Be proud that you are that parent.

Another thing that has occurred to me - how do I know what shape a healthy relationship should be? I don’t think I’ve ever had one.

The Freedom Programme helped me with that - the parts of the course covering healthy relationships were like a whole new world - along with building a boundaried relationship with a therapist so I had a safe space to explore what a healthy relationship looked like. It's easier to replicate that in the real world when you have some experience of how it feels not just theory from a book.

It is scary when you realise you have a void where your model of healthy relationships should be but with time and patience - and compassion for yourself when you don't get things perfectly right - you can get there.

So much has already been said by others, but I just want to add two things:

1. Getting this out is healthy. It's part of your recovery to not bottle up those feelings.
2. Humans, but women especially, are trained by society to believe they should be in relationships, and if those relationships end, they are conditioned to believe that they must somehow be at fault, be less worthy, be less good. It's nonsense, but it damages us all. I stayed with an increasingly abusive alcoholic for almost 7 years because I was the boiled frog and because I was conditioned to believe that mum + dad + kids is better than (mum + kids) - dad. Therapy is what the likes of you and me do to deal with that guilt and learn to care for ourselves better.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday - you're awesome.

@StuckInPollyannaMode At least you have realised, while your children are still young enough to enjoy what is left of their childhoods.

My mother put up with far worse bullshit from my father (not that it's a competition of course) but still thought the fucking sun shone out of his stupid arse and simultaneously hated him until the day he left her for another woman ... I was 21.

She fucking stayed with the man for another decade after he actually tried to dump us (myself, my two brothers and her) on the other side of the world...he even had had new single accommodation set up for himself! Even though he'd already been unfaithful to her numerous times, starting when I was about 4.

He never wanted children in the first place and they both deeply resented the normal constraints having children put on a couple - actually having to send us to school regularly, etc My father still wanted to act like the French hippy he was when he was well into his forties...having children wasn't compatible with moving around the world every 6 months. My childhood was absolute hell. The very rare days out were just like yours...my mother uptight and controlling, my father angry because he didn't want to be with us...we were actively discouraged from having any outside interests or friends. The best I can say about my childhood was that we weren't beaten or starved (of food). That's it.

In the wise words of Dr Angelou; "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better". And you ARE doing so much better.

As far as knowing what a 'healthy relationship' looks like, counseling can help (should you choose). After an abusive marriage and a rebound relationship with a real shit I went to a counselor. When she asked me what I wanted to accomplish I said "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how do I stop"? It took me a good while, but I got it figured out.

YOU got them out. YOU.

And yes, do the Freedom Programme. It will blow your mind.

And you are doing SO well!

Just caught up with this.

You are a great mum and your daughters know it.

They have years to move on from him and they will see him for the twat he is.

I was infuriated to read about those people you thought were friends.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.
The bloody cheek of them and when you were a guest in their home.

Appalling.

I completely agree with@REignbow

Very shortly you will be free and you have a great life ahead of you, as do your girls.

I think Geller’s only GENUINE interest in the girls arm is simply future financial loss mitigation. He will be “too bus at work” once divorce (and financial settlement) is finalized, and he won’t be there to yell at them much either.

I have felt like you at times Polly, if I'm low I regret what I subjected my children to and why I picked someone shit to be stepdad/dad but most of the time I try not to have regrets.

My DD is now 18 and went to Uni yesterday 😭, I split from her dad when she was 15.
She knows her dad is crap, I don't need to tell her although during a particularly stressful weekend (about her dad) a few months ago I apologised for picking the dad I did for her - we had a laugh about it.

As others have said, your children are so young, you got out of the marriage as soon as you could, the girls can have an idyllic life with you and they haven't missed out.
Their life with their dad is different but is diluted by the life they have with you.

I hope you had a really great sleep last night and are fresh as a daisy today 🤗

Oh Polly, regrets are normal (I had them too, my DC were older than yours when I split with their father). It feels really normal when you're in that kind of relationship, and my parents were similar, so I knew no better. As a PP said, when you know better, you do better.

It's good to get that out of your system.

You absolutely could not have known what he would turn out to be. He is an adult, and responsible for his own behaviour.

Try to reframe your thoughts. You have achieved so much and given your children such great example by what you have done.

Enjoy your break.

Save looking back until you are safe and secure!
It can lead to bitterness and tears... because you can't put it all in perspective yet and you will be too prone to seeing it as your fault.
You and the girls were just unlucky. Things are getting better now and that isn't luck, that is down to you.

I've always found it interesting that in the Bible, Lot's wife (yet another woman there who didn't even get her own name) turned to a pillar of salt when she looked back at her old life (in Sodom). Clearly that backward glance caused a lot of bitterness and many tears!

(I never liked the sound of her husband (Lot) very much. He wasn't much of a father to his daughters.)

Lot sucks, but so does God - demanding that children be sacrificed to “prove” feasance, etc… IMHO, the whole narrative in the Old Testament about “proving” loyalty, faith, trust, etc… is simply typical male gaslighting.

@Justilou1

Lot sucks, but so does God - demanding that children be sacrificed to “prove” feasance, etc… IMHO, the whole narrative in the Old Testament about “proving” loyalty, faith, trust, etc… is simply typical male gaslighting.

And don't even get me started on the Book of Job.

Yep… And women are chattels all the way through

And this is why I am an atheist.