The One Where Geller Proves He Is As Useful As A Chocolate Teapot

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hear that ticking my lovelies?

Tick

Tock

Tick

Tock

That’s the sound of the bomb I have just thrown over the metaphorical trench edge at Geller. Here’s the previous thread if you need to catch up. As ever, thank you for the support and the cheering and the banter and for giving me fresh perspectives.

I am fucking DONE. Done with this. I need to stand up and fight for the girls. He is NEVER going to do what he needs to for them.

So I picked them up from school and they were quiet but ok. We’ve had pizza in our pjs and they’re asleep. I have had a barrage of questions about who I have seen this weekend and what I’ve been doing and why am I wearing new clothes and do I have new friends and am I working as much as I should be etc etc. Clearly fed by him, they’ve never done that before.

Then I get this (he hadn’t responded to my previous message at all)

How is DD1?

We can talk albeit I have very little time in the next few days. Strangely someone praised me this weekend for how well I dealt with one of her meltdowns. She really struggled with the homework. Together we bought various materials while DD2 was having her hair cut. But of course when she made it, it didn’t go well. However she and I did it together first thing Sunday before DD2 woke and she did it brilliantly.

It was DD1 that led our walk while DD2 was a pain and tried to stop us going, finally relenting after the first field.

Both of them played brilliantly with the boys over the other side of the fence. But it’s the usual challenge of when they are on their own in a small space. It’s simply a very intense thing single parenting. And I can’t break DD1 on sleeping alone and I’m not prepared for it to become tears and anger. As I say she ended up watching the football and was engrossed.

So I said

I also have very little time. So I’ll leave it to you to figure it out.

She is in bed, asleep, with clean hair. They have both been quiet and we have talked about zero tolerance for violence, shouting and arguing. and what that means and the importance of kind words and being gentle and how to act when you’re angry and that you need to be mindful of the words that come out of your mouth as they can upset people. I repeat, next week I will email to discuss the shape of the next school year as it sounds like the current arrangement isn't working for the girls if they are that short of sleep and upset at the start of the school week. The girls need you in their life but it needs to come at a lower emotional cost for them and for me.

I would like to make you aware the level of messaging is unwelcome, and that I am looking to address this and agree on appropriate levels of communication moving forward.

I await the nuclear explosion which will no doubt follow.

I. Am. Done.

@Lougle

Block WhatsApp. Send one word email in response to his email. 'Noted.'

^ This.

He really is an A grade arse isn't he.

I think it's still about control - he will reply when he deigns to.
Git.

Glad you had a good break

It’s been 7 weeks. Apparently he spoke to his solicitor yesterday and a response is forthcoming. So pissed off. He’s dragging this out unnecessarily.

He is, however, stumping up for all the kids shoes including winter boots and wellies. He’s actually managed to get himself together enough to book an appointment at Clark’s to take them to be measured.

A giant wardrobe sort out awaits us today. The Dollies have grown ridiculously quickly and nothing will fit. They’ll probably be left with two pairs of pants and a party dress for the rest of the summer 😄

DD1 managed to pull herself out of a meltdown yesterday-she’s doing so well and I’m so proud of them.

I need to get up and go for a run. It’s finally stopped raining and I’ve had a friend here so I’ve no excuse

In other news, I wore a pair of size 12 jeans yesterday. That has never happened in my life before. Oh - and perhaps more impressively - I got my highest ever scrabble score last night, including using all my letters up on a triple!

How’s everyone else doing?

Oh I envy you the Scrabble achievement Polly! I have a fancy board and everything but DH isn't a fan don't get to play very often. 😁.
Well done Dd on climbing out a meltdown, good stuff. We've been doing work with a therapist for ds and have found throwing a pillow back and forth to be a good calming method (hasn't worked previously so might be an age thing). It helps redirect the brain a bit and gives them head space to calm down. I always feel when ds hits a meltdown that his brain is just too full with all the negative thinking and the meltdown is a real boiling over. So the cushion throwing helps drop to a simmer and then he is able to discuss if he wants to. Might help?! 🤷🏻‍♀️
You know Gellar is being arse so cultivate your Gallic shrug, although good news on the shoe front even if there is the danger of it turning into some epic trial that he try's to make your problem.

Oh shoe shopping used to be so traumatic for my mum when we were kids, glad Gellar is going to be getting to deal with it! For the Dollies’ sake I hope it goes smoothly, but there is a little mean part of me that hopes he finds it all really stressful…

He’s never taken them shoe shopping before, so he has no idea what I’ve set him up for

I hope it goes as well for him as it usually does for me 😂

Oh I’ll try the pillow throwing! She’s so much better generally that when it does happen it pulls me up short. She was super tired though.

Had the most horrendous run. Urgh. Kept having to stop. But I did it - I didn’t walk home. Anyone got any tips on how to improve your running time? I’m stuck on 10:20 / pm, having previously dropped steadily from where I started. Not particularly fast I know, but it’s the showing up that counts. I’d like to be on 9 something.

You want intervals Polly, if there are streetlights or any kind of regular marker along your route try alternating jog, sprint, recovery walk.

I can do you cows and trees @Sunbird24 - the polo ponies move too fast to be used as markers! How long do the intervals need to be? And do I do a couple of sets or the whole run like that? As you can tell, I have no idea what I’m doing!

The length doesn’t really matter but you definitely don’t want them too long! I’d doesn’t even have to be set distances, you can do a 30 sec sprint every 3-5 minutes, or whatever works for you.
www.runtothefinish.com/fartlek-training/ explains it better than I am right now

Super! Thank you so much

My friend uses Nike app with success I'm still on couch to 5k 🙄

Hi @StuckInPollyannaMode - so proud of DD being able to pull herself out of a strop. So many adults entirely unable. What a huge achievement. Can’t wait to hear how the shoe shopping goes.

You know he's going to get the wrong shoes right? he will get a size too big, (to save money) or even let them choose !! The girls will then wear them & he you won't be able to take them back

Hi Polly,

As another runner, I recommend making sure that you're not running too fast or the same pace for all your runs.

So, say you're doing 5k, do they at 10min miling, then do your longer runs are 11 min miling. Intervals or sprints can really help you with speed. If you're Surrey way, feel free to hunt me down :-)

I'll add to the running advice: it's important to vary your pace, whether that be a slow, relaxed recovery run, a race pace run, an "extending the distance" run or an intervals (sprints, fartlek or hills) run.

If you're over 50 (and iirc, you're not - but for future reference and there's a nugget of relevance at any age anyway in the sense of allowing recovery), I participated in a "Faster Beyond 50" Webinar by a top South African running coach in which re recommended that you should only run every 2nd day, to allow for recovery, and that most runs during the week should be really slow and relaxed and only one race pace run a week (it's the distance run over the week that matters). Younger runners can probably run a bit more The other interesting thing that he suggested was to walk briskly for 75-90 seconds every c2 miles/3km. My times had been stagnating and I tried this approach and they started improving again. I also started enjoying running again: there was something liberating about doing my runs, especially the long ones, really slowly and then the one race pace run showing significant improvement.

No running advice whatsoever… but I am going to say that you have given up smoking and stayed sane under conditions that would send others around the bend. Your unfolding evolution has been a joy to witness. Please don’t let running get you down. There are so many other ways to get there as well.

I don’t run so can’t help there and have had a very emotional morning as both boys who insisted they wanted to do this ridiculously expensive musical theatre 3 day school thing were in floods of tears this morning at having to go back to do day 2, plus it’s finally sunny so felt awful making them go but I felt like I had to and now I feel horrible.

Polly also I finally got my arse in gear to request champix and can’t get it anywhere!!

Hope Geller has a suitably enjoyable time getting the girls new shoes

Sending evil shoe shopping vibes too.

In other news, the holiday has got a lot better. DD2 has done a lot of hard thinking and is going to seek help for her mostly alcoholic dead father induced mental health issues. She has been in denial about how bad it is but not any more.
We also have A level results - ABB, objective achieved, chosen uni coming up!

Well done Miss Pointy! Great results!

Fantastic news pointy so lovely to hear that life is in a better place, having following your threads at the time.

I don't have any advice for anyone about running, but I will say that you've been amazing Polly - don't give up x

Well done Pointy Jnr and @pointythings for getting her there! Coming to the conclusion that she needs help is also mature!!!

Just about the running thing for a moment - I'm a slow runner (have had some othopaedic issues over the years, but started C25K a few with the support of my sports physio) and I'll never be as fast as many others (I'm happy with anything around 1 mile in about 10 and a half minutes!). But I have found the NHS C25K 'graduate' programmes helpful - they're designed to improve speed, stamina and just give you a longer run (but paced by music provided through the app, along with support from Laura who talks you through them all).

The speed one is only 27 minutes, but it's one I try and do once a week. The stamina one is about 45 minutes, and at my best I can do about 4 miles using that one. The other one is called 'stepping stones', and is one that just encourages you to go beyond the original feel of the C25K programme.

I only took up running close to 50, and I've been doing it now for a couple of years and really enjoy it. I'll never be fast, and I'll never do more than a 10K (and they're saved for special occasions!) but it's kept my orthopaedic issues at bay, and I know it's doing my bone density good to have some impact exercise 3 or 4 times a week.

I'm also going to take @prettybird's advice posted above!

Sorry to go off at a tangent again, Polly. Hope things are ticking along for you this week without too many Geller dramas...

Well hellllllloooooooo my darlings. Have I got an update for you...there's drama, tension, a tantrum or three, and some amazing Gellerisms.

Firstly - congratulations to Mini Pointy (delighted to hear of the moving forward positively) and to everyone that has had exam results this week - I hope they all got what they wanted and needed...if not, they don't define you, I completely fucked up my A levels and I've done alright in life professionally speaking...

Dartmoor, there's a national shortage! I've a drawerful though... shout if you want me to send it down

Many many thanks for all the running advice too. Sadly I'm not near Surrey, nor am I in my 50s , but I did try both intervals AND running slower and more mindfully this week. And my mojo has come back! I had a great 5 mile run yesterday. Not going to push it today, going to do some yoga instead, but feels like I've broken a bit of a barrier. Also lost my holiday weight, so all is good.

Phew.

Right. Buckle up.

To begin with, he had a tantrum on my doorstep last week over a DVD. Yes, you read that right. The kids have DVD players for the back of the car. He couldn't understand why I didn't know or care where the case was for one. I just stood back and watched as this grown man almost cried over the fact he couldn't find the box and where did it go and what if it gets scratched and how could I deal with it and why wasn't I helping him.

He was practically hopping on the drive in his ridiculous shorts, socks and trainers combination. I shut the door on him.

Because I wouldn't engage, other things have ramped up.

I bloody KNEW he was up to something. Some of you may remember I went over there to sort something out for the kids because he couldn't be bothered, and I was all dressed up because I was going to the food festival with one of my girlfriends. The Dollies came back from that weekend asking me who I was seeing, who I'd been spending time with etc.

Intertwined with this is the fact that he hasn't replied to the solicitors letter. I ended up messaging him last week and asking him about it because it has now been 8 weeks which is bloody ridiculous. It's yet more control.

He replied to say that he hadn't been able to respond as he'd been 'providing childcare' (aka having his children for 5 days!) and his solicitor had been on holiday. Not for 7 weeks she hasn't sunshine... and that he would 'expedite his response shortly'.

I found out from a friend at the start of the week that he's been organising playdates whilst he's got the kids and then grilling the parents on whether or not I'm dating, who I'm seeing, am I sleeping with anyone. They are all shutting him down fairly sharpish. Interestingly, 2 of them have said that they thought he was angry, not that he was upset.

We sent the letter to his solicitor the week I went to the food festival. So it all fits together nicely - he's trying to punish me.

He's sent the usual prattish emails about stuff for the kids which I have mostly ignored, except for going back with 'noted' under each comment - genius, whoever gave me that tip!

Sorting out various admin bits this week I thought I'd better confirm Christmas. I'm taking control, not waiting for him to deal with it.

First off he tried to change the half term contact times around due to tide times as he's going to take them to see the Poisoned Dwarf. Again. Which they are getting very bored with. Interestingly, she never comes here. I don't think she's even been to his house. Which, when I used to have her to stay 3 or 4 times a year, says a lot.

So I pushed back on that. I took the opportunity to confirm the Christmas arrangements...he has hit the roof.

This year, Christmas falls on all his contact days if we stick to the same pattern. I'm very happy for him to have the kids this year and I'll do a separate Christmas for them with my family. This is not in any way linked to the fact that I've managed Christmas totally for the last ten years and want to see him fuck up. Remember last year when he wouldn't let me go to church nor would he help with a tree? Scrooge.

So I told him that he is having the children for Christmas, it all falls on his contact days and makes sense they stay in one place and aren't pulled between us. You would think most separated fathers would be absolutely delighted, over the moon and appreciative.

HAHAHAHAHA

I have had an email ranting about it, which ends:

Having said all the above, may I think about it? Can I have some space to think about Xmas, and then discuss with you in September. In truth I'm not sure what I think, and feel I need to sit quietly and contemplate it.

WHAT A DICK.

It's all about him as usual. What he ACTUALLY means is 'I can't be bothered to do a Christmas meal and who will sort out their stockings and what about presents and making the day special and decorating the house and WAH be my little wife'

Well, I've news for him. I'm not doing it. Sitting through Christmas Day with him last year nearly killed me, as you know. The worm has turned. It sounds like he can't be bothered. I'm not enabling his rubbish parenting any longer. If he can't do it, either I'll have them and no he's not coming, or he needs to go to a hotel or hire a nanny or get his mother, the least joyful woman on the planet, to help.

You have played an absolute blinder - well done! I bet he wanted you to beg for Christmas so he could hum and har and then eventually give in, allowing him to talk about what a sacrifice it was for him to not be with the girls over Christmas and how unreasonable you are by not letting him crash your Christmas plans but how he is such a martyr to allow you to have what you want! All while actually doing no work or organisation.

No no Daphne - he actually wanted us to SHARE Christmas Day!!!