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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I get my mom to spend more time with me

92 replies

Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 14:47

So my mom has been dating this guy for about 3 years (I've never met him) and since then, we hardly spend time together (unless you count the weekly shop as quality time). Whenever I ask if she wants to do something, she's already got plans with her boyfriend or says "I don't know I'll have to see" which usually means no. The most recent time I asked her to go out was last week, I asked if she wanted to go to the cinema but she said no as her boyfriend had already asked her. I understand not cancelling on people but I just feel like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. She see's or hears from her boyfriend a lot more from me as they talk on the phone everyday, he helps her with her business and she goes to his house everyweekend. Don't get me wrong I'm happy she's finally found someone decent but I can't help but feel sad about things too, I would just like to spend time with her.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 28/06/2021 14:49

Can you ask her to something to spend time just the two of you like afternoon tea or a spa? Talk to her and say you miss seeing her

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/06/2021 14:54

Spending time with my adult dc is possibly my my most favourite thing.

Trumps DH every time.

Justcallmebebes · 28/06/2021 15:00

That's pretty hurtful OP. Can I ask why you've never met him if they've been together for 3 years as, if you do a weekly shop together, sounds like you live close to each other?

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 15:20

@Justcallmebebes oh we live together haha and she just doesn't want me to meet him I guess. If she wants to invite him over she makes sure I'm out of the house or asks me a few days inadvance to stay at my nans house

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 15:21

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow your child sounds very lucky 🥺

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 15:21

@Shoxfordian I can try than and see what she says. Money is tight so it would be nice to do something even at home

OP posts:
Frazzledd · 28/06/2021 15:23

You live with your mum and you've never met her boyfriend of 3 years? Are you sure he's real? Hmm

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 15:24

Just to add, I'm 22. Am I too old to feel this way or is it normal for adult children to still want to hang out with their parents?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 15:25

@Frazzledd I used to make jokes that he's fake haha. She seems to be very private, whenever he phones her she runs out the room, goes to her room and closes the door even if we are doing something together. It hurts my feelings if I'm honest

OP posts:
YeokensYegg · 28/06/2021 15:29

I think you just have to tell her that you miss her and want to spend time with her.

MissyB1 · 28/06/2021 15:31

Your mum is hiding him from you - and that's just weird! After 3 years seriously?? Have the rest of the family met him? Any of her friends met him? Sit her down and ask why you haven't been introduced. Ask her if she's ashamed of you - that should make her think!

If you do your weekly shop together you could go for a coffee after.

Justcallmebebes · 28/06/2021 15:33

I agree. I think you need to tell her. Doesn't need to be anything dramatic just that you miss her and would like to spend some time with her

ravenmum · 28/06/2021 15:37

Try organising it a bit further in advance, something simple that doesn't cost very much/anything (a walk, cooking a meal), if your mum is starting to feel like you're past the age when she has to take you places and buy you things.

My children are your age, don't live together but we still try to meet up regularly. Don't do anything with my bf and them together as it would probably feel a bit awkward; usually I'd kiss my bf hello etc. but it would be strange doing that in front of the kids when I was with their dad until they were mid-teens. And I generally think they would feel uncomfortable seeing my bf and me as a couple.

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 15:38

@MissyB1 none of the family have met him or even know she's dating him. She was at his house at christmas and new years so I had to stay home alone because of the lockdown :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 15:40

@ravenmum yeah I don't really expect her to take me places, I usually catch the bus or something. I'll ask if she wants to go for a walk or something :)

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/06/2021 15:46

It is quite hard to get the right balance with "children" your age tbh. My exh has the kids over at his parents next weekend for his birthday, and our son has agreed to go, but told me he was actually a bit annoyed as he had a first date with a girl that weekend and already had to put it off once because his dad had arranged something. Exh is currently single and keeps trying to get him to go on bike rides all the time - our son is too polite to say no! So I don't like to ask the kids out for anything too time-consuming.

Your mum does seem to be hiding him very thoroughly. Maybe he's even married or something. Have you asked her anything about him?

WhatMattersMost · 28/06/2021 15:58

[quote Pinkie98]@MissyB1 none of the family have met him or even know she's dating him. She was at his house at christmas and new years so I had to stay home alone because of the lockdown :([/quote]
That is absolutely shocking, sweetheart. I know you love your mum, and you want to spend more time with her, but her behaviour is inexcusable.

WhatMattersMost · 28/06/2021 16:05

My sense also is that the kind of woman who does this to her daughter is not the kind of woman who would listen to her daughter's pleas to spend more time with her, and to take her needs seriously.

Has she always been distant, or somewhat off-limits?

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 16:06

@ravenmum I dont think he's married, I know he's divorced though. Also she won't tell me anything about him so I gave up a while ago with asking questions

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/06/2021 16:07

Is your dad also alive/around, Pinkie98?

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 16:07

@WhatMattersMost it's only been this way since she started dating this guy

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 16:07

@WhatMattersMost the christmas/new years thing still makes me a little sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 16:08

@ravenmum my relationship with my dad is pretty one sided, theres only communication if I text him first

OP posts:
Frazzledd · 28/06/2021 16:10

[quote Pinkie98]@MissyB1 none of the family have met him or even know she's dating him. She was at his house at christmas and new years so I had to stay home alone because of the lockdown :([/quote]
I'm so sorry lovely but your mum sounds horrendous- she left you alone to be with a man you've never met, during a lockdown, at Christmas?

What's upsetting is you sound like you love your mum very much, your still so young and longing for a relationship with her whilst she's keeping you very separate from this other secret life-

You really need to know why. Can you talk to another family member about this? Has she told you to keep this man a secret?

WhatMattersMost · 28/06/2021 16:13

[quote Pinkie98]@WhatMattersMost the christmas/new years thing still makes me a little sad[/quote]
Okay, then I'd take the direct, emotion-orientated route, OP.

I would sit her down, and speak calmly, but from the heart - about how you miss her, about the fact that you feel you hardly spend time with her anymore, about the fact that she puts her partner first every time - including at Christmas, and how alone you felt.

Ask her where she's gone, because you don't feel like you really have a Mum the way you used to.

Or words to that effect. As long as they're truthful and you focus on how you feel rather than what she should or shouldn't do, then I think you'll have a better chance of getting through to her.