How can I get my mom to spend more time with me

[Pinkie98]

So my mom has been dating this guy for about 3 years (I've never met him) and since then, we hardly spend time together (unless you count the weekly shop as quality time). Whenever I ask if she wants to do something, she's already got plans with her boyfriend or says "I don't know I'll have to see" which usually means no. The most recent time I asked her to go out was last week, I asked if she wanted to go to the cinema but she said no as her boyfriend had already asked her. I understand not cancelling on people but I just feel like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. She see's or hears from her boyfriend a lot more from me as they talk on the phone everyday, he helps her with her business and she goes to his house everyweekend. Don't get me wrong I'm happy she's finally found someone decent but I can't help but feel sad about things too, I would just like to spend time with her.

So both parents knew you'd be entirely alone for days on end and neither of them did anything about it?

@Frazzledd she told me not to tell anyone she's seeing him, when I go to my nans, my mom usually gives me an excuse for me to tell my nan like "just tell your nan I'm working" or something like that. I do enjoy my own company but her going away every week to her boyfriends house for 3-4 days is making feel a little isolated. Also my friends are in different cities for university so its hard to get together

@ravenmum

So both parents knew you'd be entirely alone for days on end and neither of them did anything about it?

@ravenmum in fairness, my dad didnt know but that's because I don't really speak to him, I didnt hear from him over the holidays either

Ultimately, you may need to make some hard decisions about what you'll accept, and what you won't accept.

Your mum does not sound like she's acting much like an adult. You sound more adult than she does - and unfortunately if that's the case, then you may not get the desired response from her, but rather the response of a little girl who is in the thrall of a man (who doesn't sound particularly nice, btw).

If you don't get what you want, then you might need to take what you need: some space apart from her, and some time talking to a professional to help you come to terms with her physical and emotional absence and neglect.

@WhatMattersMost thanks for this advice I will try it out when she comes back home. I may write down how I feel as I'm not good at expressing my feelings

@WhatMattersMost

Ultimately, you may need to make some hard decisions about what you'll accept, and what you won't accept.

Your mum does not sound like she's acting much like an adult. You sound more adult than she does - and unfortunately if that's the case, then you may not get the desired response from her, but rather the response of a little girl who is in the thrall of a man (who doesn't sound particularly nice, btw).

If you don't get what you want, then you might need to take what you need: some space apart from her, and some time talking to a professional to help you come to terms with her physical and emotional absence and neglect.

It's such a scary thought but I agree. Thank you

Your mum’s a cow! Leaving you home alone so she can snuggle up with her bf at Xmas and new year is really shitty behaviour from anyone let alone your own mum!

Were you close to her before all this? If so there might be hope if you explain how you feel, but as someone else said, the sort of mum who would do this doesn’t sound very empathetic or caring so you might not get through to her. Be interesting to see if she’s suddenly more available if he goes on holiday or dumps her!!

If I were you I’d concentrate on being busy elsewhere, build friendships outside of the house and maybe put time and effort into doing nice things with your nan instead as your mum sounds like a lovesick school girl dropping her mates as soon as she gets a boyfriend. Pathetic.

I’m sorry she’s making you feel neglected, especially as your relationship with your dad doesn’t sound amazing either. Do you have any siblings?

It might be worth looking at patterns and how they play across your family.

A few things to consider:

Your nan's relationship to your Mum, and your Mum's to your nan's.

Your parents' relationship when they were together.

Your mother's relationship with any other men she may have seen.

And your relationship with your Mum and whether you're in some way repeating things that she does without knowing it, i.e. never putting yourself first, fear of taking a stand or speaking up about what you want and need, and keeping quiet for the sake of peace even if it's damaging to you.

Your Mum didn't do this out of nowhere; she has learned this behaviour from someone else. All of these patterns can be deeply entrenched, and they become things that the whole family unknowingly do and participate in. It takes strength and insight to notice this - and even more strength to do something about it. But you don't have to get caught up in it any longer.

Your dad not knowing what you're doing for Xmas makes him a worse parent, not a better one. I guess your mum is resentful about having to do all the parenting, and perhaps even resentful that Covid has meant you haven't flown the nest, so she's still having to do a lot more than you'd usually expect with a 22-yo (I imagine you wish you were able to fly the nest too!), but I agree that I'd have put the kids first in this particular scenario.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Your mum’s a cow! Leaving you home alone so she can snuggle up with her bf at Xmas and new year is really shitty behaviour from anyone let alone your own mum!

Were you close to her before all this? If so there might be hope if you explain how you feel, but as someone else said, the sort of mum who would do this doesn’t sound very empathetic or caring so you might not get through to her. Be interesting to see if she’s suddenly more available if he goes on holiday or dumps her!!

If I were you I’d concentrate on being busy elsewhere, build friendships outside of the house and maybe put time and effort into doing nice things with your nan instead as your mum sounds like a lovesick school girl dropping her mates as soon as she gets a boyfriend. Pathetic.

I’m sorry she’s making you feel neglected, especially as your relationship with your dad doesn’t sound amazing either. Do you have any siblings?

@MarkRuffaloCrumble our relationship has been rocky the last couple years but its pretty steady right now. I have a half sister (13 y/o) from my dads side but I don't have a relationship with her either and she lives with her mums family

@ravenmum

Your dad not knowing what you're doing for Xmas makes him a worse parent, not a better one. I guess your mum is resentful about having to do all the parenting, and perhaps even resentful that Covid has meant you haven't flown the nest, so she's still having to do a lot more than you'd usually expect with a 22-yo (I imagine you wish you were able to fly the nest too!), but I agree that I'd have put the kids first in this particular scenario.

@ravenmum I'm aiming to move out by the end of the year or before then, just waiting for some particular priperties to become available as the rent is affordable for them, at least then I'd be alone by choice

@WhatMattersMost

It might be worth looking at patterns and how they play across your family.

A few things to consider:

Your nan's relationship to your Mum, and your Mum's to your nan's.

Your parents' relationship when they were together.

Your mother's relationship with any other men she may have seen.

And your relationship with your Mum and whether you're in some way repeating things that she does without knowing it, i.e. never putting yourself first, fear of taking a stand or speaking up about what you want and need, and keeping quiet for the sake of peace even if it's damaging to you.

Your Mum didn't do this out of nowhere; she has learned this behaviour from someone else. All of these patterns can be deeply entrenched, and they become things that the whole family unknowingly do and participate in. It takes strength and insight to notice this - and even more strength to do something about it. But you don't have to get caught up in it any longer.

@WhatMattersMost my moms biological mom did something similar but she did it when my mom and her brother were young kids

@Pinkie98 - That's significant. There's the repetition. That they were young kids is even more significant, because these things are passed down no matter what age they happen. In fact, they're often passed down more easily when kids are young.

at least then I'd be alone by choice
No chance of a house share or something? Sounds like you could do with some company.

I think it would be a good idea to see if you can get some counselling now, before you start thinking about serious relationships yourself. If your dad has been like this for a long time, then I would imagine that your feelings now are partly because you already feel abandoned by one parent. Might it be that as a child, you weren't able to understand, process or complain about your dad's behaviour so you've learned to just accept it when people don't show enough interest?

It does look like something odd is going on with this boyfriend.

Are you sure it's a boyfriend and not something else she doesn't want you to know about?

But, it may just be that she finally has an adult daughter and needs personal time.

Personally, I'd be very happy for her that she found someone she loves. How many Christmas did she spend with you? She lives with you. Your quality time together should be every day. It's not as if you only see her every week for the shopping.

If you had a boyfriend, would you have spent Christmas with her or him, over lockdown?

As kindly as possible, you are an adult now. Even if you don't, or you can't, live independently from her now, you will. You're likely to get your own home, your own family, even move away from her. She is living her life now, and you should be pleased for her. She has probably made enough sacrificies raising you basically on her own (from your account) so far.

My main concern is why she isn't more open to you regarding her relationship. I'd be worried she didn't trust me, or that it was something that wasn't good for her.
Does she seem happy with it?

Also, be careful what you wish for.

You still have her company 3-4 days per week. Are you sure you'll be ok living alone permanently? Of couse things will be different once covid restrictions are relaxed or disappear, or if you house share or get a lodger.

I think you just have to tell her that you miss her and want to spend time with her

This ^

Just tell her.

@Lweji yeah she's home 3-4 days a week but I don't really see her as she runs her own business. When I move out I do plan on getting a pet for company if the landlord will allow it

I’m sorry that both your parents seem very wrapped up in themselves. I’m 40 and I’ve learned to accept my parents lack of interest and manage my relationship with them accordingly. The worst part is that it never goes away, being reminded often that they barely give a damn about me and even more sadly about their grandchildren is par for the course. I’ve had to learn how to control my response to this rather than change them.

My dad buggered off and had an affair when I was 11 and has had very little interest in us since. My mum understandably suffered as a result of his shitty behaviour but then descended into her own mental health challenges. When she did meet someone else, she made it clear that they were more important than us, and even her dog is prioritized above us.

I’d suggest a frank conversation about how you feel but then taking some time to both make peace with the situation and build out better relationships with people who value you more.

There are loads of red flags flying with this relationship. There must be a reason why he's such a secret and it can't be a good one

Is she a lesbian?

@Greytminds

I’m sorry that both your parents seem very wrapped up in themselves. I’m 40 and I’ve learned to accept my parents lack of interest and manage my relationship with them accordingly. The worst part is that it never goes away, being reminded often that they barely give a damn about me and even more sadly about their grandchildren is par for the course. I’ve had to learn how to control my response to this rather than change them.

My dad buggered off and had an affair when I was 11 and has had very little interest in us since. My mum understandably suffered as a result of his shitty behaviour but then descended into her own mental health challenges. When she did meet someone else, she made it clear that they were more important than us, and even her dog is prioritized above us.

I’d suggest a frank conversation about how you feel but then taking some time to both make peace with the situation and build out better relationships with people who value you more.

@Greytminds my dad did the exact same thing when I was 8/9 and then my sister was born

@sweetheartyparty I'm just assuming that she's a very private person and doesn't want anyone in her business, but I hate how she makes me lie/make excuses about her relationship to my nan

@teninone Not that I'm aware haha

I feel for you op.

The one thing I'd stop right now is the lying. She doesn't get to make you leave the house and then lie about it. Go to your nana if it suits you but don't lie about why you are there.

Did anyone know you were alone for Christmas?