Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I get my mom to spend more time with me

92 replies

Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 14:47

So my mom has been dating this guy for about 3 years (I've never met him) and since then, we hardly spend time together (unless you count the weekly shop as quality time). Whenever I ask if she wants to do something, she's already got plans with her boyfriend or says "I don't know I'll have to see" which usually means no. The most recent time I asked her to go out was last week, I asked if she wanted to go to the cinema but she said no as her boyfriend had already asked her. I understand not cancelling on people but I just feel like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. She see's or hears from her boyfriend a lot more from me as they talk on the phone everyday, he helps her with her business and she goes to his house everyweekend. Don't get me wrong I'm happy she's finally found someone decent but I can't help but feel sad about things too, I would just like to spend time with her.

OP posts:
Polkadots2021 · 29/06/2021 11:15

@Pinkie98

Just to add, I'm 22. Am I too old to feel this way or is it normal for adult children to still want to hang out with their parents?
Just wanted to say you sound lovely and I hope my kid is wanting to hang out with me when he's 22! Your parents don't seem to have any clue whatsoever how lucky they are!
Pinkie98 · 29/06/2021 11:52

@Polkadots2021 thank you this is such a sweet comment ♥️

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 29/06/2021 11:52

do you get on when you are hanging out together?

Pinkie98 · 29/06/2021 17:57

@bluebell34567 we do, but I tend to get a bit irritated because when we go out she is always texting her boyfriend or he calls her so she walks way behind me to take the call

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 29/06/2021 18:18

when the tables are turned around and you have your own family, she will be after your attention.

sheenapunk · 29/06/2021 20:18

Pinkie, I don't think much of your mum. She should be thrilled to have a lovely daughter, and make time for you. You are not alone xx

SinisterBumFacedCat · 29/06/2021 20:42

Massive red flags here. Who wouldn’t want to meet their partners kids after 3 years, or want to introduce their daughter to their partner, she should be proud of you FFS! She’s either in a controlling relationship, a secret lesbian or a fool, sadly she sounds like a a selfish fool.

Pinkie98 · 29/06/2021 20:46

@sheenapunk

Pinkie, I don't think much of your mum. She should be thrilled to have a lovely daughter, and make time for you. You are not alone xx
@sheenapunk thank you, I feel so lonely right now but its nice to have online support xx
OP posts:
Pessismistic · 29/06/2021 21:05

Sorry to hear this op it won't be your ex will it? Sounds awful why all the secrecy? Could you just say mom when were doing something together can you not tell boyfriend to ring back when ur not in my company it is very rude and makes me feel invisible and very unimportant and its not nice as he does it all the time. If it was the other way round im sure she would tell you its bad manners. I'm still struggling with the secrecy thing after all this time. You should have been introduced by now. Its the polite thing to do. Good luck i hope you find what your looking for loneliness is hard work at any age.

Pinkie98 · 09/07/2021 14:36

Thanks for any advice guys. I'm still feeling pretty down, last week I asked my mom if she wanted to go shopping this weekend and she said "possibly" so I asked her again this week as a reminder and she said she wants to "stay home and paint the fence" so I asked her if she wanted to go to the cinema next week but she said she can't as she will be at hee boyfriends. I'm not sure if I just have bad timing when asking her if she wants to do things together or if she really just doesn't want to spend time with me

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/07/2021 14:50

Do you think she might be trying to encourage you to go out more and rely on her less?
How about if you say "Mum, I'd like to spend more time doing nice things with you, when have you got time?"

Pinkie98 · 09/07/2021 15:13

@ravenmum I'm not sure because we used to spend more time together before she started dating and even when we do spend time together she doesn't seem present because she'll be texting her partner, if I'm honest I do feel mentally exhausted so not sure asking that question will change the situation

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 09/07/2021 15:31

I'd start saying 'no, you wont be at your boyfriends because you're coming to the cinema with me. I'm your daughter,he is just a random guy that you wont even introduce me to. Start making time for me'.

I'd also be asking her if he was abusive because her behaviour is quite frankly, weird as fuck otherwise.

ravenmum · 09/07/2021 15:37

I mean, you've asked her "Can we go to the cinema next week?" Stop asking that and instead ask "When can we go to the cinema?" Ask her to name a date when she can go instead of suggesting dates and asking if she is free then.

layladomino · 09/07/2021 16:17

It is absolutely normal for an adult child to want to spend time with a parent. You sound absolutely lovely. and very patient with your mum who is, franky, acting like a lovesick teenager but worse. I'd love to give you a hug.

Leaving you home alone at Christmas / New Year was appalling behaviour. The fact you are an adult is irrelevant there. Who would leave anyone they live with home alone for Christmas? Especially their child.

Your expectations are aboslutely reasonable. Your mum's behaviour is unreasonable and distinctly odd.

She seems to be in the thrall of this person, but at the same time ashamed of them. I agree with pp - stop lying for your mum. She can't expect you to do that.

If you have a basically good relationship (or did in the past) I think I'd have a try at have a proper chat and pleading with her better nature. List all the times recently that she has refused to make plans with you. All the times she's cancelled plans for him. The times she's walked away mid conversation to answer a call. Leaving you alone at Christmas. Asking you to lie. Tell her how that makes you feel and tell you'd love for it to be different. That might also be the time to tell her you can't continue to lie for her, and that you are worried for her as there must be something going on that she is ashamed of if she has to lie about it.

Of course you know your mum, and you know how this conversation might go down. I can appreciate you don't want to make things worse between you, but as you aren't happy with how things are right now, I don't know how you'll change it unless you have a real heart to heart.

Aside from that, and in any case, please keep in touch with old friends and make efforts to meet up with them. Be open to meeting new ones - hobby and interest groups etc. Are there any relatives you could arrange to see a bit more of? Build up your support / friendship group gradually, so that it will bother you less if your mum continues to be absent. As someone said above, one day I'm certain she will regret how she's acting. I just hope for both yours sakes she doesn't leave it too long.

KimmyAndMe · 09/07/2021 16:44

It sounds like roles have reversed in your home OP. My DD (just turned 19) has been seeing her BF for 2 years. She is very rarely at home now and when she is she is in her bedroom on the phone to BF or catching up with friends. She doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore which I’m a bit sad about because I miss having her around and the laughs and discussions we used to have. I understand her need to spend time with her friends and BF.

However, your mum sounds like something else. She has been seeing a guy for 3 years and hasn’t introduced you to him! 😳 Leaving you alone over Christmas and New Year whilst she cuddled up to him, at his, is cruel at best ☹️

TBH I wouldn’t really be up for going to the cinema (even if DD asked). I would very much like a night in, just me and her, making a meal together, having a few drinks and generally catching up on each other’s lives. And cuddling up on the sofa with Netflicks.

Maybe your mum isn’t into the cinema? Ask her if there is anything she would like to do with you - just the two of you - and ask her for a date that you can put in your diary. Tell her you miss her company. Ask her when you are going to meet her new guy. What is she hiding? 🤔

Your mum seems a bit weird and you are catching the rough end of her behaviour. Could you join some groups to make new friends and get you out of the house so you don’t have to rely on her for company? 💐

MattyGroves · 09/07/2021 16:57

I don't mean this in a mean way but you sound very dependent on your mum socially for someone of your age. Your mum doesn't sound great but it would be normal for you to be out and about with friends much much more than it sounds like you are.

Can you try to do more things that might help you make friends? Go out for drinks with colleagues or take a course in the evenings or do online dating

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread