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Original poster

How can I get my mom to spend more time with me

92 replies

Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 14:47

So my mom has been dating this guy for about 3 years (I've never met him) and since then, we hardly spend time together (unless you count the weekly shop as quality time). Whenever I ask if she wants to do something, she's already got plans with her boyfriend or says "I don't know I'll have to see" which usually means no. The most recent time I asked her to go out was last week, I asked if she wanted to go to the cinema but she said no as her boyfriend had already asked her. I understand not cancelling on people but I just feel like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. She see's or hears from her boyfriend a lot more from me as they talk on the phone everyday, he helps her with her business and she goes to his house everyweekend. Don't get me wrong I'm happy she's finally found someone decent but I can't help but feel sad about things too, I would just like to spend time with her.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/06/2021 16:59

Maybe he's a woman. Maybe he's 20 years younger. Maybe he's black and nan's a racist (pardon OP!). Maybe he's Catholic and nan's a Protestant. I can think of a few possible good reasons.

In my case, the kids have said hello to my bf in passing, and were all at my birthday party, in a group, but otherwise that's it. They are 21 and 23; he's a 55yo man they have nothing much in common with. We could all go and have tea together but it would mean polite small talk for a couple of hours, and it would feel as if I was making some sort of big statement about our relationship, when actually he's really just my boyfriend - I didn't think it would last this long!

Mountaingoatling · 28/06/2021 17:00

Oh this makes me feel so sad for your foolish mother! Normally it's the other way round and the youngsters are too busy to hang out with their parents.

Would some reverse psychology work?

You shouldn't need to, and I'd worry even if you spent time together she'd be texting/calling this mystery boyfriend.

It's not you.

Motnight · 28/06/2021 17:01

Your mum doesn't sound very nice, Op. My dd is the same age as you and I love spending time with her. It makes me happy. I am sorry that your mum doesn't feel the same way. What would she say if you refused to leave the house in order for her boyfriend to come over?

Motnight · 28/06/2021 17:04

Op I have just read your other threads. You sound very vulnerable at the moment, and your relationship with your mum is really not healthy. Have you got real life support from anyone?

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 17:05

@NeilBuchananisBanksy yeah I hate the lying and nobody knew, because if they did then my mom would have to explain where she was :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 17:06

@Motnight I've refused before but my mom gets annoyed or snaps at me

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 17:07

@Motnight

Op I have just read your other threads. You sound very vulnerable at the moment, and your relationship with your mum is really not healthy. Have you got real life support from anyone?
@Motnight I have one close friend :) but she's away for university right now
OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 17:08

@Mountaingoatling

Oh this makes me feel so sad for your foolish mother! Normally it's the other way round and the youngsters are too busy to hang out with their parents.

Would some reverse psychology work?

You shouldn't need to, and I'd worry even if you spent time together she'd be texting/calling this mystery boyfriend.

It's not you.

@Mountaingoatling sometimes if we are watching tv together and he calls her, she'll answer the call and not come back for ages (I think I said this on another comment)
OP posts:
Mountaingoatling · 28/06/2021 17:14

Well your Mum is being quite rude and taking you for granted. In the early stages it's forgivable but after all this time what does he have to say that is so fascinating.

I'm tempted to advise you make July YOUR month. Think of all the nice things to do and invite other people. Could be your close friend, or a MeetUp group, or maybe cousins or old friends you've lost touch with...and not your Mum!!

Lots of things are great fun on your own! I've visited about 15 countries on my own and met loads of fun people.

I know this won't stop you missing your Mum, but I'm at a loss to think what she is thinking.

Your mum might not make you a priority but YOU can. You deserve it!

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 17:20

@Mountaingoatling

Well your Mum is being quite rude and taking you for granted. In the early stages it's forgivable but after all this time what does he have to say that is so fascinating.

I'm tempted to advise you make July YOUR month. Think of all the nice things to do and invite other people. Could be your close friend, or a MeetUp group, or maybe cousins or old friends you've lost touch with...and not your Mum!!

Lots of things are great fun on your own! I've visited about 15 countries on my own and met loads of fun people.

I know this won't stop you missing your Mum, but I'm at a loss to think what she is thinking.

Your mum might not make you a priority but YOU can. You deserve it!

Thank you, this made me tear up a little bit
OP posts:
InTropicalTrumpsLand · 28/06/2021 17:22

I was also wondering if your DM's boyfriend is also a girlfriend. Another possibility I considered is drugs, but maybe your DM just doesn't care that much.

I'm not much older than you are, so I can imagine how much that hurts - my family is very close and I'd be concerned if DM suddenly started behaving differently because of a boyfriend. What does she say when you ask to meet her boyfriend?

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 17:24

@InTropicalTrumpsLand When I'vw asked to meet him she either shuts down or asks why I want to meet him.

My old job was very close to my house so I could sort of see him on the cctv camera when he'd come over but thats as far as it goes haha

OP posts:
WhatMattersMost · 28/06/2021 17:30

@Pinkie98

It's worth remembering that you can tell your mom that you will no longer lie for her. You have much more freedom than you think. Much more. Will you take it?

WhatMattersMost · 28/06/2021 17:32

It was mind-blowing and life-expanding when I realised at around your age that I didn't have to play the games that my mother did. I didn't have to buy into the "white lies" that she told herself and others. I was able to express myself more freely.

There was a price to pay, of course: her judgement of me and her anger.

But by god it was worth it, and remains worth it.

Lweji · 28/06/2021 17:48

Looking at some of your other threads, I can guess why she may feel she needs to hide her boyfriend, particularly from her family. A tad very much hypocritical, though, in relation to you and your boyfriend, IMO.

In a way she may be trying to protect you from lying to your relatives, by keeping him away from you. (if it is a him indeed - even if it looks like it on cctv)
She is probably messed up enough.

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 18:03

@Lweji

Looking at some of your other threads, I can guess why she may feel she needs to hide her boyfriend, particularly from her family. A tad very much hypocritical, though, in relation to you and your boyfriend, IMO.

In a way she may be trying to protect you from lying to your relatives, by keeping him away from you. (if it is a him indeed - even if it looks like it on cctv)
She is probably messed up enough.

He's my ex now ended things about 2 months ago, I had to end things he was very emotionally manipulative towards me and it took me a while to realise
OP posts:
Lweji · 28/06/2021 18:14

Yes, sorry, should have said ex-boyfriend. Not trying to catch inconsistencies on your posts. Smile And sorry for looking it up, but someone mentioned other threads, and I think wider context does help here.

Hher reaction and her attitudes seem both hypocritical but also conditioned by her upbringing.
Will her parents and relatives be very critical of her having a boyfriend?

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 18:27

@Lweji

Yes, sorry, should have said ex-boyfriend. Not trying to catch inconsistencies on your posts. Smile And sorry for looking it up, but someone mentioned other threads, and I think wider context does help here.

Hher reaction and her attitudes seem both hypocritical but also conditioned by her upbringing.
Will her parents and relatives be very critical of her having a boyfriend?

@Lweji none of our family would be critical at all, everyone is so laid back and relaxed, everyone would be happy for her So I'm not really understanding the secrecy if I'm honest
OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 28/06/2021 18:30

[quote Pinkie98]@NeilBuchananisBanksy yeah I hate the lying and nobody knew, because if they did then my mom would have to explain where she was :([/quote]
Oh OP, that's truly awful about Christmas. Please stop going out when she asks and stop lying for her.

Toebean · 28/06/2021 18:30

@Pinkie98

Just to add, I'm 22. Am I too old to feel this way or is it normal for adult children to still want to hang out with their parents?
Its normal. Your mum is hiding something? Maybe hes alot younger than her or something?Hmm
Lweji · 28/06/2021 18:38

So I'm not really understanding the secrecy if I'm honest

I see.
Although, your perception may not be exactly the same as hers.

Spunout · 28/06/2021 18:41

Could she have not told him about you,so keeping you apart is essential,sorry she's treating you this way Flowers

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 28/06/2021 23:16

@Spunout he does know about me, this whole thing is weird

OP posts:
Frazzledd · 29/06/2021 08:15

[quote Pinkie98]@Spunout he does know about me, this whole thing is weird[/quote]
How do you know he knows about you? You've never met, spoken or seen him, did your mum tell you?

It is weird OP, you really need to try and talk to her without her shutting you down- you can't be made to lie for her to your other family, I'd start there and then ask her why.

Could you write out some of the things you've talked about here, perhaps sit down with her on a quiet moment and explain how you feel. Maybe make a plan to stay with your nan for a little while before you talk so you can just have some space to get your thoughts together after.

You also sound quite lonely in general, can you make some plans to see some friends?

Original poster
Pinkie98 · 29/06/2021 09:19

@Frazzledd yeah she told me. Also I can try your suggestion but I am worried that I will deffo get shut down. As for my friends, it's quite tricky at the moment as everybody is away for university or working, I'm the only one at uni in our home town

OP posts:
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