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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP told me a woman came onto him

118 replies

Sacriptiq · 27/06/2021 20:22

I've name changed for this.

dp went out with a few friends yesterday. Today, he told me that a one of his friends Friends came onto him and asked him back to hers, he said he said no. Apparently, she carried on flirting with him and when he was leaving he said she touched his him ‘there’. He told me that he ignored her and left anyway. He did come back early and he wasn't very drunk.

I'm a bit annoyed though, why didn't he leave when she asked him back? Or when she started flirting with him? Would you be annoyed?

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 12:50

I agree, you can take two routes.

But going on the op's initial post and her asking would you be annoyed?, I'm presuming the conversation she had with her husband made her feel initially wary and annoyed.
He obviously didn't convince her that he was the victim and needed sympathy.

I also agree that in a loving healthy, trustworthy relationship there may be no doubt in a situation like this but the fact the op is questioning the scenario shows there is doubt.

I myself would probably be wary of the situation, either the husband is stealth boasting and indirectly saying pull your socks up love, youv'e got competition or he is covering his tracks.

Only op know what kind of man she is living with, but to post and be concerned shows there is some insecurity.

Time will tell and the story may unfold.

SingingInTheShithouse · 28/06/2021 12:50

I think some PP are forgetting that men can freeze in this situation & be embarrassed to make a fuss in a social situation, just as much as many women can. Like a male PP admits, they can also massively miss earlier cues that they are been hit on. Also some women, (just like some men) can be incredibly pushy.

I've actually witnessed this happen with my own DH when I was out with him, she was incredibly pushy & he was like a rabbit in the headlights as to him it came from nowhere & he'd made it very clear that he was happily married anyway.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 28/06/2021 13:01

@Onthedunes

It wouldn't but as some other posters have said his disclosure maynot be entirely truthful.

How many times do men tell their other halves that someone has been flirting with them.
They usually don't, it's too much hassle to admit.

Just having someone flirt with you is different to having someone also proposition you AND grope you. He may not have said anything if it was just flirting

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 13:38

@MolyHolyGuacamole

I think thats the op's point though, she was flirting and she thought at that point he could have done more to shut her down.

He obviously didn't and this ow was confident enough or pushy enough to proposition him. He probably gauged how pushy this woman was in the initial stages of their conversation.

It's not rocket science figuring out what type of person you are dealing with on an evening out.

It's that poor little lamb routine, that a man can't possibly know what a womans intentions are.

thedancingbear · 28/06/2021 13:41

So, after a few pages of finding our feet on this one, we seem to have agreed that the main issues are:

(i) whether the contact was in fact consensual, and he is lying because he regrets what happened after the event

(ii) if it was consensual, whether his response to being sexually assaulted was appropriate

I mean, are we serious? is this the best we can do?

slow handclap

AryaStarkWolf · 28/06/2021 13:59

Why should he have to leave? Don't be silly OP

Dervel · 28/06/2021 14:21

@PerciphonePuma oh my word, that’s so kind! I am recently single, but still a bit of a piping hot mess atm because of it. Plus I’ve some red flags about myself I need to prune away. However that was an incredibly nice thing to read even if meant in jest. I appreciate it.

duckme · 28/06/2021 14:29

I can't imagine we'd be expecting a wife to cut an evening out short if she had been hit on by a man.

SVRT19674 · 28/06/2021 16:07

Something similar happened to my husband, he told me about it. About a month later we were, he and I and 3 others having a conversation outside of a secluded building and who should walk out of the bushes but the woman who had hit on him and a guy who we all know to be in a relationship, about 30 seconds apart. I was the only one looking that way as they came out (she went into the building) and he came to say hi. He caught my eye and he avoids me like the plague now. Later someone told me she has form too and insists until most guys in this group had to tell her to back off none too politely. Some people are like this. They have an itch and want to scratch it, not really paying attention to the recipient´s body language.

5128gap · 28/06/2021 16:09

@duckme

I can't imagine we'd be expecting a wife to cut an evening out short if she had been hit on by a man.

Most women would be back in the house by 830!

LannieDuck · 28/06/2021 19:21

Why would you be annoyed at him? It sounds as if he was hit on, he ignored it, and then she sexually assaulted him. Not his fault.

layladomino · 28/06/2021 21:58

He did nothing wrong. And those who are suspicious because he told his wife - what sort of relationship have you got if a woman assualts you and you don't tell your wife? I tell my DH what I had to eat on a night out, and who was there, and a load of other info he's probably not that excited about. If someone had come on to me then groped me, that would have been the first thing I'd tell him.

Not because I'm guilty of something, not make him 'jealous', but because we tell each other stuff. There would be something awfully wrong if you didn't tell each other something as significant as that.

londonscalling · 29/06/2021 23:15

Spin it round.

If you were out with friends and a guy started flirting with you, would you leave your friends immediately and go home?

ReadyforTakeOff · 30/06/2021 00:20

Surely he had to engage given what the OP has said? No one would flirt with someone, get no response or an immediate brush off but still continue to flirt through the evening and touch his genitals?

Yes she came onto him but doesn't seem like he exactly told her to F off straight away.

thedancingbear · 30/06/2021 07:00

@ReadyforTakeOff

Surely he had to engage given what the OP has said? No one would flirt with someone, get no response or an immediate brush off but still continue to flirt through the evening and touch his genitals?

Yes she came onto him but doesn't seem like he exactly told her to F off straight away.

Victim blaming shite.

Would you say the same to a woman who had her vagina grabbed by a man she hadn't sufficiently clearly told to 'F off'?

Shameful.

drpet49 · 30/06/2021 07:05

** So someone you love was sexually harassed and later sexually assaulted.

And you’re really cross at them for the way they’ve responded to that.

Is that right, OP? If not, which bit is wrong?

What a load of victim blaming shit**

^This

Bluntness100 · 30/06/2021 07:14

Meh op why should he leave? I don’t understand why he kept talking to her in such a way she could continue to flirt if there was a group of them and he didn’t just distance himself and stand beside some of the others. Which makes me also think he’s getting his story in first.

Dawninrealisation · 30/06/2021 09:16

@Bluntness100

I agree with this. Thinking about it, unless she's gone in for the kill and grabbed his crotch as soon as the flirting started, a sensible person would have been able to navigate away from her by the time she decided to grab him. Unless she noticed him leaving and grabbed him on his exit?!

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