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Original poster

DP told me a woman came onto him

118 replies

Sacriptiq · 27/06/2021 20:22

I've name changed for this.

dp went out with a few friends yesterday. Today, he told me that a one of his friends Friends came onto him and asked him back to hers, he said he said no. Apparently, she carried on flirting with him and when he was leaving he said she touched his him ‘there’. He told me that he ignored her and left anyway. He did come back early and he wasn't very drunk.

I'm a bit annoyed though, why didn't he leave when she asked him back? Or when she started flirting with him? Would you be annoyed?

OP posts:

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/06/2021 23:11

Call me cynical, but I'd be suspicious he's covering his arse.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/06/2021 23:26

@AfterSchoolWorry

Call me cynical, but I'd be suspicious he's covering his arse.

Is that because you have a partner with form?

Or because that's something you would do?

Otherwise I can't understand why this would be your default reaction.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 00:03

@AfterSchoolWorry

Call me cynical, but I'd be suspicious he's covering his arse.

If you came home and told your partner a man had come into you, you'd told him no and later he'd touched you between the legs, would you be ok with him assuming you'd actually screwed him and was covering your back?

DixonD · 28/06/2021 00:28

@Imissmoominmama

Why should he have to leave his friends because someone else is being inappropriate?

He didn’t stay out late; didn’t get very drunk; told you about it - what are you annoyed about?

This.

I would never expect my husband to leave and come home early just because someone was flirting with him. That would be terribly controlling.

I trust my husband to behave appropriately though. If he decides he’s going to cheat then he’s likely to do it at sometime anyway. Me keeping him in chains won’t stop him or make either of us happy.

He told you what happened. Don’t make him feel like the bad guy. He won’t tell you next time…

PixelatedLunchbox · 28/06/2021 00:40

@88soph88

I just read this out to mu husband and his exact words were:

He's giving her his side of the story so that if and when the truth comes out, his side was there first

Something happened

At least now you know how your DH acts and thinks ... I'd be concerned if i were you, sounds like projection.

Pulloverjumperorsweater · 28/06/2021 00:46

I'd be wondering why he told you. What point is he trying to make?

Yeah! I went out with a —self-obsessed narcissist— man who loved to tell me about all the women who flirted and came on to him. It did to me what this has done to you & that’s all it ever does to a person: feeds insecurity, encourages jealousy & adds in everything that a relationship really does not need.

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 00:46

I think what @AfterSchoolWorry is stating is that men do not usually voluntarily tell information to their partners like this.

If it is totally innocent, many husbands rightly or wrongly would withhold this kind of information so as not to hurt their wives.

To be honest I don't think many men would divulge this, I don't know any, but I'm sure many men are propositioned and keep quiet.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 00:49

Why would I be hurt by my husband rejecting someone hitting on him? I'd be upset for him that someone had sexually assaulted him but I would think god that means he can cheat on me any time he wants, so yeah he'd likely tell me. And apart from the sexual assault bit, we'd have a laugh about it

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 00:51

@Onthedunes

I think what *@AfterSchoolWorry* is stating is that men do not usually voluntarily tell information to their partners like this.

If it is totally innocent, many husbands rightly or wrongly would withhold this kind of information so as not to hurt their wives.

To be honest I don't think many men would divulge this, I don't know any, but I'm sure many men are propositioned and keep quiet.

Why would it hurt a wife that someone made a move on their husband and their husband rejected them?

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 00:56

It wouldn't but as some other posters have said his disclosure maynot be entirely truthful.

How many times do men tell their other halves that someone has been flirting with them.
They usually don't, it's too much hassle to admit.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 00:57

Well it's only too much hassle to admit if you have an insecure partner who doesn't believe you surely. Why would I hassle DH if someone hot on him?

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 00:57

The real question is why did he tell her .

TerribleCustomerCervix · 28/06/2021 01:00

@SleepingStandingUp

Same here.

Neither DH or I would expect the other to leave a social gathering we were otherwise enjoying because someone started flirting with them.

And as for people being suspicious that he told her, what on earth was he “supposed” to do? I always tell DH when things like that happen so we can have a laugh about it, and vice versa. I’d be gutted if he thought I was only telling him to cover up some kind of liaison.

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 01:01

I don,t think it's just down to insecurity, some men can be atonishingly beautiful and are hit on constantly, some men look like a box of frogs and their partners do not worry as much, therfore less insecure.

Sometimes it can be out of consideration.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 01:03

@Onthedunes

Sometimes it can be out of consideration.

Even if you were stunningly beautiful, would you seriously not tell your partner someone had touched your between the legs or touched your breast in case he got jealous?

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 01:15

I think this particular question is different between men and women.

Yes I understand it is still a violation towards a man but for instance if David Becham told Victoria every time he was hit on or someone placed a hand on him, he would be sat all day with her reeling them off.

I'm sure he doesn't tell her, out of consideration.
Normal men are generally the same.

I get what all the pp's mean but seriously how many times have your husbands complained about being hit on, not many I bet, but it doesn't mean it hasn't happened.

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 01:18

I'm inclined to agree with @88soph88's husband but yes I will admit I am cynical.

Usually the male ego will notch it up as a private victory.

1forAll74 · 28/06/2021 01:31

He should not have to leave, and come home early because of some flirty woman. There are flirty women, and men,all over the place, especially if drink is involved. I would just dismiss all this behaviour.

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 01:39

Or view it another way, he was chatting to a woman all evening in close proximaty as the evening wore on she became quite tactile and her hand was in an area it shouldn't have been.

Others were watching, what would men give as an explanation to this if someone told his wife?

Maybe that the woman had flirted with him then touched him innapropriately, who do we believe?

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 02:06

And put it this way it had to be quiet an intimate coversation and exclusive from the group for her to be aquainted with him enough to ask him back to her place for the night.

They will have been talking quite apart from the rest of the group.

NannyAndJohn · 28/06/2021 02:30

I think he's covering his tracks too.

I'd let it slide this time, but be on alert for any more suspicious behaviour.

5128gap · 28/06/2021 07:12

However much people try to flip this, I don't think it can be compared with a woman being sexually assaulted by a man. The power dynamic and (typical) physical strength, not to mention the heightened fear woman have of men that is generally absent the other way round, make it two very different things.
Not to say he may not have been uncomfortable or that the woman wasn't wrong, but for most men it would be an irritation rather thsn a deeply traumatizing experience they felt so upset they had to share.
Maybe they are a couple who tell each other everything. Maybe he is frightened of not mentioning it because OP would expect him to. Maybe there is more to it.

Original poster

Sacriptiq · 28/06/2021 07:20

I don't think he's lying.

I'm not annoyed with him now but yesterday I didn't tell him I was and I didn't tell him he should've came home straight away.

I don't think it's odd he told me either.

OP posts:

BarryTheKestrel · 28/06/2021 07:25

I think people's reactions here say a lot about the people they are with. If my ex had told me this, I'd be cynical and be thinking about what he's covering up, because he had form for being a cheating ratbag. If DH told me this, I'd believe it and just ignore it as he enjoyed his night but walked away due to extended inappropriateness that was not his fault and that he didn't encourage.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/06/2021 08:05

@5128gap

However much people try to flip this, I don't think it can be compared with a woman being sexually assaulted by a man. The power dynamic and (typical) physical strength, not to mention the heightened fear woman have of men that is generally absent the other way round, make it two very different things. Not to say he may not have been uncomfortable or that the woman wasn't wrong, but for most men it would be an irritation rather thsn a deeply traumatizing experience they felt so upset they had to share. Maybe they are a couple who tell each other everything. Maybe he is frightened of not mentioning it because OP would expect him to. Maybe there is more to it.

I'm not saying the fear would be the same but for most men it would be so unusual and unexpected as to throw them sufficiently to want to tell someone or be noticeably off. It isn't the power dynamic for men so much as the fact it doesn't happen to them that I think destabilises them

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