Said he liked me then said he didn’t?

[MamaOl93]

Went out on a date, we both agreed to a second after confessing we liked each other. Second date - went for a walk, held hands, really lovely. Then he tells me at the end of the date he doesn’t like me the way he thought he did and he’s really sorry and feels terrible, guilty etc.

He wants to be friends and still hang out and wants to bring me around his friends and we still talk by text and see each other in person.

I’ve accepted this as I don’t want to lose him from my life but is this normal for a guy to want to do all those things with a girl he doesn’t like?

@MamaOl93

Little update: we still text every day. He came round Tuesday and we watched a film together, and Thursday we went drinking with another friend of mine - we held hands the whole way home once my friend had gone. Yeah I still like him but I’m gonna when it’s like this, right?

OP - some tough love coming your way, but with kindly intent:

Yeah I still like him but I’m gonna when it’s like this, right?

YOU ARE NOT A PASSENGER IN YOUR OWN LIFE
You are not obliged to helplessly "like him".
Your life is not a movie script.
You are not content with "just friends" - but he is (or more sinister 'back up plan' implications as per PP).

If you want out of this situation, start by being a more unavailable.

When you write things like "we text every day" & "I'm gonna (like him) when it's like this", you are casting yourself in a passive role.
Passively allowing yourself to "like" him, as if you had no choice about the daily texts, the film nights, the jaunts out, the hand holding ... why are you phrasing all this as if you can't help but get swept along by a mysterious force of nature - rather than admitting to yourself that you are actively choosing it?

You are an adult, with autonomy, & agency over your own life.
When you stop choosing to allow other people to dictate the pace, the terms, & intensity of your "is it/isn't it" would-be relationships, you take back control of your life.

You are not going to stop hankering after this guy until he either becomes 100% unavailable, so cuts down the time he spends with you - which, if you are still dewy-eyed about him, will hurt like hell - OR, you bite the bullet, & take that future decision out of his hands.

For heaven's sake, stop responding to texts every time he whistles.
Be busy with other pals on some of the meet-ups he suggests.
And stop holding hands with men who don't hold a candle for you.

@MamaOl93

We texted a little bit today so far but he’s gonna leave our workplace, just found out 😬 why do I feel responsible for this 🙄

Because you are so invested in him, a little part of you wishes it were so.

Don't be surprised if he ends up not leaving.
He'll probably tell his back-up workplace "my current colleagues think your business is too good for me", just to confuse them.

What @chargingbuck says is correct. I can cast my mind back 6 or 7 years to when I allowed this to happen and I can see absolutely she is right, at the time i would have said this is happening to me.

But when I finally called time on the bullshit (and he barely shrugged) it was a decision that made me feel empowered which fed back in to my self-esteem.

I think we can know a lot about how we should behave in theory but unless we execute it we don't feel empowered, we don't feel self-efficacy and for me that was important.

In theory I knew exactly what I should do but I wasn't doing it, and when I took that move and ended it before he lost interest in the mere... ball of wool that I was to him, and when I realised that I felt better not worse after it, that shored up my self-efficacy a bit.

I really benefited from taking cotrol and experiencing that I felt better not worse.

I know he's told you he's off now and won't see you any more charming, but do not tell him you'll miss him or ask to meet up.

If he gets in touch say ''looooook, it's for the best, these mixed messages were all a bit shabby, but good luck in your new job''.

[quote MamaOl93]**@Funatlast* @Aquamarine1029* @MouldyPotato @StayCalmX closing the door on him 👋🏻[/quote]
I certainly hope you are, whether he stays or goes.
He's made it crystal clear that he cares nothing for you as a 'friend'.

He was after a FWB. Now he's moving on, he'll find someone else to mug off. You're well rid

This has happened to me a few times with dates. we're now friends. I think it can be ok - no one is too emotionally invested at that point, so you can realise you like each other, but just not fancy each other, so becoming friends rather than lovers is easier than 'staying friends' after a breakup of a longer relationship.

when i'm the one to break it off though, i usually leave it up to the other person if they want to actually be friends. and I don't just 'say it' - i only say it to people who i actually mean it to. some people after two dates you just don't feel anything...and that's also ok.

sorry...I did the classic thing of not reading the full thread. sounds like he wasn't really looking for friendship as others shrewdly noted. sorry you got messed around, OP.