Said he liked me then said he didn’t?

[MamaOl93]

Went out on a date, we both agreed to a second after confessing we liked each other. Second date - went for a walk, held hands, really lovely. Then he tells me at the end of the date he doesn’t like me the way he thought he did and he’s really sorry and feels terrible, guilty etc.

He wants to be friends and still hang out and wants to bring me around his friends and we still talk by text and see each other in person.

I’ve accepted this as I don’t want to lose him from my life but is this normal for a guy to want to do all those things with a girl he doesn’t like?

@GrumpyTerrier

I said well how would that go? And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a tt for what I’ve done”

This is designed to mess with your head. He is basically saying he knows you are amazing and if only he could just get over his silly issue-- with a dab of martydom thrown in there.

He is trying to keep you strung along with the suggestion that he could change his mind.

What you do about it is up to you, but this was a massive red flag when I read it.

Exactly, and well-put.

It's about as cringey and obvious as Tony Curtis pretending to be a millionaire while also pretending to Marilyn Monroe that he's impotent and frigid, but would marry anyone who could 'cure him'.

@DeeCeeCherry

Get rid fgs you're being primed to be the Fallback Girl. Why so invested after a mere 2 dates? What do you need him in your life for anyway? You barely know him. Don't get sucked into wanting a man in your life by any means necessary. There is far more to life than that and you should be out there having fun and curious and interesting times discovering that

This! I don't get women who let such men rule their lives and their heads. Why would you even want to be "friends" with a man who wants to treat you as a second rate option to stroke his ego around his friends as a pseudo girlfriend until he finds a woman he likes enough. Have some respect for yourself, jeez

This guy will ditch her like a hot potato once he finds a woman he actually wants and respects.

@MamaOl93

I feel so lonely 😔

I'm sorry to read this, OP. But hanging out with this guy will make you MORE lonely, not less

I’ve accepted this as I don’t want to lose him from my life

Ye Dogs, you have absolutely no need to accept anything of the sort.

When dating a series of strangers, it's protocol to say "let's just be friends" as a softener alongside "sorry, I don't want to continue dating you."
It's a meaningless courtesy.

You went on a dating site, presumably to find a b/f.
2 dates in, a chap you liked decided he didn't want another date after all.
So you say thanks for letting me know, nice meeting you - & MOVE ON to dating other prospects.

What's all this don't want to lose him from my life nonsense about?
He was never in your life!

You met him twice. It didn't work out. No big deal. Why would you want to waste time looking for crumbs of "friendship" when you are a busy woman with new dates to arrange?

@MamaOl93

I feel so lonely 😔

That"s why he relegated you Sorry to be blunt. Dont let him. The next time he makes some headfuckwtf comment get turned off and say to him "whaaat? No actually never mind, mixed messages are not for me" and then go to abook club or a yoga class or go for a run or just sit in a library.

I have been in yr shoes. My loneliness could be detected from 500 metres.

Apologies OP, I see you knew him previously via work.

But my point stands - you've known him for only 6 months, you feel lonely, & you want more from him than he wants to offer. Sounds like a recipe for misery, & constant fretting about where you stand.

Just let him fade out quietly, while you crack on with meeting guys you can develop a mutual romantic relationship with.

As per the great point made by PP upthread - "don't get in your own way" by yearning for this chap's friendship at the expense of your own dating life.

I think he is being quite upfront. He doesn't want a romantic relationship but is happy to socialise with you as a friend.

@MamaOl93

I feel so lonely 😔

Yes. He knows this.

It's why he's prepared to treat you so casually. He knows you are lonely and unhappy and will settle for very little.

Please write down a list of POSITIVE things you like about yourself And then write down a list of POSITIVE things about being on your own.

And then read it and decide you have got too much self respect for settling for a bloke who doesn't want you, but is willing to hang out with you until a girl he thinks is confident and attractive comes along. Your life will not improve or get less lonely as long as you settle for breadcrumbs from others.

@Viviennemary

I think he is being quite upfront. He doesn't want a romantic relationship but is happy to socialise with you as a friend.

ie, he wants the OP as a back-up shag with zero expectations self respect

No I took it that friends means friends and not friends with benefits. That would not be acceptable in OPs case.

OP, you need to focus your energies on building up your support network. Join groups. Make friends.

Little update: we still text every day. He came round Tuesday and we watched a film together, and Thursday we went drinking with another friend of mine - we held hands the whole way home once my friend had gone.
Yeah I still like him but I’m gonna when it’s like this, right?

He knows you're very keen and he is happy to use you as a back up option when he's bored.

If you are happy for the crumbs and want to come across as if you have zero self respect, then carry on OP.

But you are NEVER going to have a relationship with him.

He's using you until someone he really likes come along.

Right up until your last update, I was going to say - he just doesn't fancy you. Nobody can help that, and you're friends.

Then, this thing about holding hands... nah, he's pissing you about.

He now knows you'll go with whatever he wants. So he'll very likely edge you towards being a FWB.
Either be friends, without holding hands etc, or stop having anything to do with him.

@SengaMac

He now knows you'll go with whatever he wants. So he'll very likely edge you towards being a FWB. Either be friends, without holding hands etc, or stop having anything to do with him.

This. WHY on earth would he hold your hand after telling you that he is not interested in a romantic relationship? Answer: so that you think there is still a chance, whereas actually he is conditioning you to accept whatever crumbs he deigns to throw at you.

This does NOT have the potential to turn into a healthy, mutually respectful relationship. It does very much have the potential to turn into a toxic, unbalanced mess where you are willing to put up with almost anything in order to "keep him in your life".

Message him right now and say that you are finding his mixed messages very confusing and that you do not want to see him again unless he has changed his mind about not being interested in you. Stop letting him walk all over you, demonstrate to him that you have some self respect and demand some respect from him.

This is all so predictable, sorry OP
Please protect your heart

@MamaOl93

Little update: we still text every day. He came round Tuesday and we watched a film together, and Thursday we went drinking with another friend of mine - we held hands the whole way home once my friend had gone. Yeah I still like him but I’m gonna when it’s like this, right?

He has you where he wants you. You are like a girlfriend but withouth the responsibility or the fidelity or the commitment or the love. He can date other people before your very eyes and you will be able to object!!

What a perfect arrangement for him.

Please wise up and get turned off.

Yeah I’m realising you’re all right 😔

You deserve much much better than this OP.

@StayCalmX

I said well how would that go? And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a tt for what I’ve done”

This is an example of exactly the kind of confusing hard to interpret comment that you'll be wading through from now on as his friend.

On the one hand re-iterating that he rejected you but also throwing you a wee bone there, insinuating that you're attractive, and maybe more attractive than he is and that people around him will question his decision and maybe maybe that comment will make you wonder if he's 100% certain of his decision.

Omg, I remember well, the tedium and the upset of trying to interpret comments like this. REading articles about avoidant men etc...

Then I met somebody at work (pre covid) who just said what he meant and meant what he said and rang when he said he would and treated me like he loved me and it was all very easy to interpret. I'd never ever go back to that mixed message bullshit.

You may think that the above comment was entirely innocent .........

Exactly this. Mixed messages. It is confusing trying to decipher messages and comments like these. I've been there and it never ended well.

Don’t be sad! He’s not the one for you. Be glad youve found this out early on and distance yourself. Be prepared for him to try to reel you in even more.

This is why I love mumsnet - great advice! Too bad it was too late for me in these situations. Lots of time wasters out there.

@MamaOl93

Yeah I’m realising you’re all right 😔

I'm so relieved for you that you see it now.

Nothing will shock him more than you having a standard now.

If you were to say ''Mixed messages are not for me'' and to stop responding to him, don't be surprised if he suddenly pulls a bit more out of the bag. A bit more. Like to go out for dinner.

The bottom line would still be that you're not a girlfirend he plans to value, cherish and be faithful to.

He wants to lay the foundations for a friends with benefits arrangement imo, but thought if he said that out of the blue it wouldn't be something you were into. By dangling the carrot he knows you'd start to think of him that way and more likely entertain the idea. If you genuinely want to remain friends I would recommend no contact for a bit whilst you get over it, and then lay very clear boundaries.

@MamaOl93

Yeah I’m realising you’re all right 😔

I know it's really hard, and you've said you're feeling lonely. I really get it. I've been there myself, and it's such a tough place. But he is messing you about. He really is. I know you're probably hoping for more, and may imagine that the more time you spend with him like this, the more he'll like you and it could turn into something else. But someone who truly liked you would not give you mixed and confusing messages like this.