Said he liked me then said he didn’t?

[MamaOl93]

Went out on a date, we both agreed to a second after confessing we liked each other. Second date - went for a walk, held hands, really lovely. Then he tells me at the end of the date he doesn’t like me the way he thought he did and he’s really sorry and feels terrible, guilty etc.

He wants to be friends and still hang out and wants to bring me around his friends and we still talk by text and see each other in person.

I’ve accepted this as I don’t want to lose him from my life but is this normal for a guy to want to do all those things with a girl he doesn’t like?

Exactly what @Treehaus & @StayCalmX have said.
If you tell him you want to reduce contact or that you're not into mixed messages etc so you're moving on. Or if you said you were considering dating someone else etc ... He will probably try dangling a bigger carrot to keep you there. Please do not fall for it. It's the oldest trick in the book.

Put in some boundaries OP! Either you're friends and it stops at things friends do or you're in a relationship and you hold hands etc etc Don't let him blur the boundaries and keep you hoping. If you are struggling with just being friends then the best thing is to just take a big step back. Don't let him take advantage of your loneliness. xxx

Thanks everyone for your replies, it’s kind of difficult to know what to say back because I feel really embarrassed by the whole thing if I’m honest. The last contact we had was last night and he said he’ll “talk to me tomorrow” as we talk every day, he probably will. Then I have a whole week of working with him 🙃

He knows you’re hanging on his every word. That’s not fair on you.

OP let me tell you how this is going to go.

You’re going to text every day.
You’ll go for a drink and he’ll tell you he’s an idiot and you’re beautiful.
You’ll feel fabulous.
He’ll pull back and you won’t hear from him for a week.
You’ll feel like shit.
He’ll call and ask you for a drink - it’ll be fun.
You’ll continue to hang on his every word.
There’ll be another drink or movie x 2.
Then you’ll shag. Maybe for a week or two.
He’ll go cold.
You’ll ask what is wrong.
He’ll tell you nothing, he’s a free agent.
You’ll arrange a drink.
He’ll stand you up.
You’ll call ans ask WTF?!
He’ll tell you he was busy shagging Sarah.
He’ll tell you he really likes her. That they’re so compatible.
You’ll cry.
He’ll accuse you of being needy. Tell you he always made it clear that he wasn’t up for a relationship .

Rinse and repeat until you get some self respect and tell him where to go.

It’s a script.

@MamaOl93

Little update: we still text every day. He came round Tuesday and we watched a film together, and Thursday we went drinking with another friend of mine - we held hands the whole way home once my friend had gone. Yeah I still like him but I’m gonna when it’s like this, right?

No no no! Do not hold hands, offer any sign of affection, avoid physical contact with him if he tries it. Don't have him round your house to watch movies. He made his bed, he can lie in it. He's getting best of both worlds here. Put your foot down and say no.

@MamaOl93

Little update: we still text every day. He came round Tuesday and we watched a film together, and Thursday we went drinking with another friend of mine - we held hands the whole way home once my friend had gone. Yeah I still like him but I’m gonna when it’s like this, right?

You are not going to listen to anyone about this and do it the hard way . There are a couple of amazing posts on here that you need to absorb otherwise you are literally wasting your life on this prick .

@StayCalmX

Be honest with yourself now, for your sake.

Will being in the orbit of a man who knows you well enough to know you and yet who has chosen to reject you in that way, will that erode you?

Is that good for you?

Do you want to make decisions that are good for you?

Don't stand in your own way if you want to meet somebody decent and be loved.

This one

@StayCalmX

I said well how would that go? And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a tt for what I’ve done”

This is an example of exactly the kind of confusing hard to interpret comment that you'll be wading through from now on as his friend.

On the one hand re-iterating that he rejected you but also throwing you a wee bone there, insinuating that you're attractive, and maybe more attractive than he is and that people around him will question his decision and maybe maybe that comment will make you wonder if he's 100% certain of his decision.

Omg, I remember well, the tedium and the upset of trying to interpret comments like this. REading articles about avoidant men etc...

Then I met somebody at work (pre covid) who just said what he meant and meant what he said and rang when he said he would and treated me like he loved me and it was all very easy to interpret. I'd never ever go back to that mixed message bullshit.

You may think that the above comment was entirely innocent .........

This one too

STOP trying to interpret his mysterious comments and actions.
They are not mysterious at all - just designed to keep you confused.

DON'T have him round to your place at all.

DON'T have outings where he'll have a chance for hand-holding or a small hug etc.

DO regard him as just a colleague - okay to chat with at work but nothing else.

Take Charge of your own life - don't hand it to this guy.

Don't be embarrassed @MamaOl93

I can see lots of us have been through this! Join the club.

If I'm coming across too forthright it's because I have been played like this.

I went out on 3 or 4 dates with a man and I really fell for him. Then just before I would have expected things to get physical, he did that relegation trick on me. Told me that we could sleep together but it wasn't a relationship. I was shocked and I did feel duped. I was hurt. My self-esteem wasn't super robust but I'd been working on it and I thought I had hidden it better than I had clearly.

so I took a step back from him. I continued dating. I didn't sleep with him immediately. But he wouldn't go away. He told me repeatedly he wasn't my boyfriend but then he ignored every normal respectful boundary that differentiated a friendship and a relationship so it was very confusing. But I couldn't be angry with him? Because he never promised me anything.

I did sleep with him a few times, eventually. It was ok. Just ok. Wasn't terribly exciting to be honest. Probably because I felt not good enough.

I eventually lost my shit with him and told him what I thought and it sat there UNREAD

he'd messed with my head for a year and a half and he couldn't even do me the courtesy of reading my message!!

So if I sound harsh it's because I get it now. I see these patterns and finally I understand that if my self-esteem and my self worth had been as high as I wanted them to be back then, I would have got turned off by that early relegation.

If a man did that to me now i'd think jesus what a grubby shabby little player and i'd never respond to him again.

You are better than this. You deserve better than this. There will be someone else who doesn't treat you like this. You don't need this man in your life. Stop flirting/messaging whatever. He will only hurt you.

Sorry, i'm still going here, lot of fuel in my tank for this subject!!
If a man tells you he's not your boyfriend, but then doesn't respect the boundaries that differentiate a friendship and a relationship, then he is a player

xx

Well he's having his cake and eating it! He wants all the benefits of FWB but none of the leg work. I'd stick to just being friends and stop muddying the water with this hand holding malarkey and hanging off his every word.

We texted a little bit today so far but he’s gonna leave our workplace, just found out 😬 why do I feel responsible for this 🙄

You're not responsible for it. And stop texting him.

@MamaOl93

We texted a little bit today so far but he’s gonna leave our workplace, just found out 😬 why do I feel responsible for this 🙄

so you are not really his friend then are you despite all the texts if this is the first of him telling you ?

It’s fine, I know where I stand now anyway. Cause about an hour he told me we won’t talk or see each other once he leaves. Bye then 🙄

God he’s really messing you around isn’t he?

I really, really hope you've learned something from this. He was playing you for a fool right from the beginning.

Please don't say anything else to him. Keep your self respect.

Wow, "good bye and good luck"

@MamaOl93 it may not seem obviously like good news but is.

@Funatlast @Aquamarine1029 @MouldyPotato @StayCalmX closing the door on him 👋🏻

Exactly. And with time someone who will treat you right will come along and you'll be ready.

Sounds super weird, you only met twice and he's going on about not liking you romantically but please can we continue to be friends and hang out and blah blah. He sounds exhausting, I'd block him.