Said he liked me then said he didn’t?

[MamaOl93]

Went out on a date, we both agreed to a second after confessing we liked each other. Second date - went for a walk, held hands, really lovely. Then he tells me at the end of the date he doesn’t like me the way he thought he did and he’s really sorry and feels terrible, guilty etc.

He wants to be friends and still hang out and wants to bring me around his friends and we still talk by text and see each other in person.

I’ve accepted this as I don’t want to lose him from my life but is this normal for a guy to want to do all those things with a girl he doesn’t like?

I said well how would that go? And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a tt for what I’ve done”

This is an example of exactly the kind of confusing hard to interpret comment that you'll be wading through from now on as his friend.

On the one hand re-iterating that he rejected you but also throwing you a wee bone there, insinuating that you're attractive, and maybe more attractive than he is and that people around him will question his decision and maybe maybe that comment will make you wonder if he's 100% certain of his decision.

Omg, I remember well, the tedium and the upset of trying to interpret comments like this. REading articles about avoidant men etc...

Then I met somebody at work (pre covid) who just said what he meant and meant what he said and rang when he said he would and treated me like he loved me and it was all very easy to interpret. I'd never ever go back to that mixed message bullshit.

You may think that the above comment was entirely innocent .........

@StayCalmX

Be honest with yourself now, for your sake.

Will being in the orbit of a man who knows you well enough to know you and yet who has chosen to reject you in that way, will that erode you?

Is that good for you?

Do you want to make decisions that are good for you?

Don't stand in your own way if you want to meet somebody decent and be loved.

Good post. OP, ask yourself these questions. Do you really want to hang about playing some boardgame with a bunch of his friends who know he went on two dates with you and then decided he wasn't into you in that way? That to me would code as 'I'm overinvested enough to hang about here in the background after being rejected -- nothing to see here!'

And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a tt for what I’ve done”

How self-aggrandizing -- is he normally this pompous and melodramatic? 'What he's done' is go on two dates and then decide it wasn't working for him. Happens every day. Does he think you're crying into your gin because of him?

Also it sounds to me as if the reason he wants you to be around his friends is precisely so they can tell him how cool and pretty you are, and how crazy he was to dump you 'Look at the high-grade bird I just ditched!' which makes him look pretty good, the man who can pick and choose.

Tell him go and play Snakes and Ladders by himself, and go and find someone who's actually into you.

No, don't do this. It will damage your self esteem.

You will keep hoping that if he gets to know you better that he'll fall for you and develop feelings. And he won't.

It will stop you moving on. Make agreeable noises to him about keeping in touch but be too busy to meet up and gradually let it drift. Don't eagerly answer texts.

He doesn't feel the same. Please don't be that desperate to keep someone in your life when they don't want you. It's not healthy.

[quote MamaOl93]@StayCalmX I am happy being his friend due to the friendship we had before that developed out of work, but I 100% agree with the knowing me a little comment - I did say to him that I didn’t feel like he gave me a chance, and he said yes I didn’t give you a fair chance.[/quote]
What is a fair chance? More dates? More time? Him trying to persuade himself to make it more than friends?
It's better he's called it a day early rather than later when he knows it isn't what he wants. You could be more invested and more baffled over it ending.

It’s clear he only sees you as a friend. If you’re happy with that fine but don’t fall into the trap of keep hoping that something will happen. It won’t.

Gave you a chance ?! Please don't lose your dignity over this bloke - he sounds like the typical sort who loves having women hanging around.

My first thought on reading your OP was that he's been on a date(s) with someone he likes better . Sorry .

@MamaOl93

He's definitely playing you.

He knew you already.
You were friends already.
He told you he liked you.

Aaaannnnnnd...........suddenly he's realized............he doesn't

He's SO lining you up as a 'booty shag/ FWB' !

Do not fall for it !

Tbh he might just not be feeling it, I was seeing a guy a few months back, had a few dates he ticked all the boxes and he was lovely but I just didnt feel a proper connection with him and couldnt work out why, we are still friends, speak alot and meet up now and again but nothing sexual, I didnt know him from Adam before we dated also.

[quote MamaOl93]@Backthewaywecame oh no he’s serious, we were sat in his car about half an hour afterwards and he brought up this game that we all mutually like- and said would I want to meet his friends and play the game with them.

I said well how would that go? And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a t**t for what I’ve done”[/quote]
He’s throwing you crumbs with that. Just enough to make you think there could be a chance if you stick around on his terms.

If he is already connected to your social circle via work or whatever, then maybe it would be hard to avoid him completely, but I do think you should at least keep him at arms length and not start meeting his friends.

I don't think it's unusual to go on dates with people you're friendly with and find attractive to see if there's a spark. Sometimes there just isn't anything more than the initial attraction and that's not enough to maintain a relationship past a few dates.
It's definitely possible to remain friends if that's what you want to do.

@cupoftea2021

He likes you as a friend not as a sexual partner or relationship Nothing wrong with that, at least he said so and still wants you as a friend. Why are people not valuing a friendship is it all pride.

She is keen on him, so it really isn't in her best interests at the moment to like him and step back into friendship, getting to know him better and liking him more.

Alternatively he might just be suiting himself.

Either way at this point she should move on.

She can still be friendly in a cordial way at work.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, just supposing that you are okay with being friends with him and you meet with his friends for this mutual game/hobby. Ask yourself how would you feel when he turns up with a new girlfriend in tow because it will happen soon or later. Do you want to watch him being affectionate with someone else?

You deserve better than being second best, hope you meet someone soon.

@StayCalmX

I said well how would that go? And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a tt for what I’ve done”

This is an example of exactly the kind of confusing hard to interpret comment that you'll be wading through from now on as his friend.

On the one hand re-iterating that he rejected you but also throwing you a wee bone there, insinuating that you're attractive, and maybe more attractive than he is and that people around him will question his decision and maybe maybe that comment will make you wonder if he's 100% certain of his decision.

Omg, I remember well, the tedium and the upset of trying to interpret comments like this. REading articles about avoidant men etc...

Then I met somebody at work (pre covid) who just said what he meant and meant what he said and rang when he said he would and treated me like he loved me and it was all very easy to interpret. I'd never ever go back to that mixed message bullshit.

You may think that the above comment was entirely innocent .........

Soooo much this! A headfuck and a half. You'll always get the 'I'm such an idiot for not wanting more' BS when actually a decent guy and good friend wouldn't say that as it's not appropriate for a friendship.

Either he's saying it out of politeness and you won't hear from him unless you always contact him or as others said a fwb line up
After a failed date why settle for his friendship, it's awkward? Unless you also feel zero towards him, think ahead when he finds another woman he wants to date, would you be ok with that.

Definitely do as he wishes. And then lay down so he can wipe his feet on you.

Great plan.

Apologies for the delay in responding to all comments - I want to thank you all for responding to my thread. I am happy to be his friend as we do get along really well, and after thinking it through I feel he was probably right in keeping it as friends and I’m more than happy to be his friend.

We talk regularly still and he’s coming over to watch a film later in the week and then going for a drink with me and my friend who was also his colleague :)

What are your boundaries like in relationships?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You are setting your own self up to be some sort of fallback girl. Do not do this to yourself. Three is a crowd.

A film in your house? Just the two of you? Very cosy.

Can you invite somebody else that you both know?

You are giving him the girlfriend experience without any benefit to yourself.

If you are determined to be his friend, keep assessing, keep asking yourself how you feel. If you feel "not good enough to be his girlfriend" pull the ripcord on the friendship.

I'd have told him no to the friend thing. Not because I think he's done anything wrong, necessariky, but because I wouldn't want to be just friends with someone I wanted more with. Incredibly frustrating and depressing, looking for signs he's changing his mind, wondering why he hasn't. No thanks. And that's best case, if he's decent and genuine. Worst case he'll keep throwing you crumbs so your continued interest feeds his ego.

Yeh. Id cancel him, tell him something's come up but you'll meet the two of them in the pub.

I think that sends a good message. That you can be his friend or could be his friend but that you're not available for any kind of place holder girlfriend experience arrangement. Meet them both in the group setting and then dont arrange anything just the two of you.

Or wherever you were meeting the colleague

@MamaOl93

Apologies for the delay in responding to all comments - I want to thank you all for responding to my thread. I am happy to be his friend as we do get along really well, and after thinking it through I feel he was probably right in keeping it as friends and I’m more than happy to be his friend.

We talk regularly still and he’s coming over to watch a film later in the week and then going for a drink with me and my friend who was also his colleague :)

A movie night at home? You are going to get your hopes up with cosy nights in like that, hopes that will almost certainly be dashed in due course.

I said well how would that go? And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a tt for what I’ve done”

This is designed to mess with your head. He is basically saying he knows you are amazing and if only he could just get over his silly issue-- with a dab of martydom thrown in there.

He is trying to keep you strung along with the suggestion that he could change his mind.

What you do about it is up to you, but this was a massive red flag when I read it.

@GrumpyTerrier

I said well how would that go? And he said “they’d look at you, look at me… look at you, look at me, and call me a tt for what I’ve done”

This is designed to mess with your head. He is basically saying he knows you are amazing and if only he could just get over his silly issue-- with a dab of martydom thrown in there.

He is trying to keep you strung along with the suggestion that he could change his mind.

What you do about it is up to you, but this was a massive red flag when I read it.

Absolutely this. Cringey of him isn't it!

I feel so lonely 😔