Why do people want to live together?

[SpiderInTheBathroom]

Disclaimer: I have autism. I'm not being obtuse or disingenuous with this question.

Other than sharing the financial/domestic load which, from reading any threads on here doesn't always happen, what are the benefits to living with a partner? Why do you do it?

I ask because I tried it once and hated it! Always someone else and their stuff in my space! The company was nice but never being able to truly escape it was hard. We had separate bedrooms because i couldn't sleep with his clutter in there.

I'm in my 40s so a lot of women I know are married or in relationships and live together or wanting to and it just doesn't seem to benefit many of them except their living costs are reduced. I have a friend who is desperate to move in with her boyfriend of two years but it seems to be more about validating the relationship and knowing where he is every evening than anything else.

I'm pleased I live with my partner and wouldn't want to have lived my entire adult life alone. However, I think if we were ever to split up,I'd rather not live with a man again...I'd rather have a partner who visited once or twice a week

I like what PPs have said about getting more time alone when living together as well as the pain and expense of practically having two lots of toiletries etc otherwise we felt like we were living constantly out of suitcases.

Ive recently left a 16 year relationship and I can’t imagine ever getting into the situation of living with someone other than my kids again! I have felt like this for at least the last 10 years but as we had kids by then it was too late to do anything about it. The only advantages I can see to sharing a house with someone are financial, I’m finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I will never get a mortgage or buy a house now and to be honest the only reason I stayed with my ex for so long was because I wanted to buy a house for our kids..but it turned out all the time I was scrimping and saving for a deposit he was running up debts so It was never going to happen anyway.

Now poorer than the proverbial church mouse and just had to sell some furniture in order to survive for the next couple of weeks, but i’m still so relieved to be living alone with my kids. I really, really love it and wish I had done it sooner!

" Friends don't want to know when you've been widowed really, they don't know what to say and your sudden singleness spoils previously coupley events, so you don't get invited."

No offence, but does that mean you abandoned your single friends have couple friends when you married?

I love living without a partner. I will never live with anyone else again , other than my children. Someone on here a few months ago said they wouldn't put themselves in the position where they would have to fight for equality in their own home. It really resonated with me.

Ahhhh there are some lovely comments on here

I love living with my partner because I want to share my life with him, every moment. The ups the downs, what we will eat, what we will watch. My favourite part of my whole day is getting into bed, cuddling up, falling asleep. When I wake up in the night he's there and I love him being there in the morning. I also get coffee in bed every morning x 2. I feel lost without him there, he's my other half. And I k ow he feels the same and I want to be there for him too. We share everything. Plus who else could I shout at and vent at and cry to

I do understand people have different needs though- the above is just me.

I dunno I quite like him so decided to keep him. It’s fine so far 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Arrierttyclock

Because I enjoy his company and would miss him if we didn't live together

Is it always quality time though? I sometimes wonder if you lived with someone whether you would actually get more quality time where you have deep chats and give each other attention or if the person is just there if you see what I mean.

I think they key is living with the right person for you OP. I've lived with DP for 25+ years, we make each other laugh, share jobs, do things together, discuss the news, do gardening and diy together.

But it does have to be the right person! Otherwise I'm sure it would be a 100% nightmare!

@TreeSmuggler

I was in a live apart relationship for five years, I would visit him and the evening would usually end in have sex, I'd be cuddled up in bed getting sleepy... then I'd get out of bed around midnight and drive home. It was so fucking grim! Freezing cold and (sorry tmi) with fluids dripping out, I'd run to my car and drive 30 minutes, get home and not be able to sleep even though I had to wake up in a few hours for work. I always carried a massive bag yet never had what I needed. I practically lived out of my car even though we paid for two houses between us! I would never do that again. It's about practicality for me.

Why did you get out of bed at midnight? Why not just have some clean underwear at his and go to work from there?

You know where she worked, then?

@crinklyfoil

You know where she worked, then?

No, I'm just asking. Did she work in the other direction, is that the issue? Did she work nights? I just don't know why she had to leave at midnight?

For us it was after the exciting dating phase we just wanted to hang out together in the in between times. To be there when the other heads out for a difficult day or returns from one. To move around each other doing our own thing without it being specifically “time together”. We met before FaceTime when sms messages were character limited so I guess casual contact in separate homes wasn’t as easy.

It doesn’t matter. She did. So it was a PITA living apart. So she moved in with him. Which was the point!

I've lived with, and had children with 2 men.

Now 50 and never again will I live with someone. I have a very lovely DP and love spending time with him but I wouldn't want to live with anyone.

My space is more important to me than money or making it financially easier.

Why did you get out of bed at midnight? Why not just have some clean underwear at his and go to work from there?

Fair question, the answer is he didn't like us sleeping over. And I see his point, if you want to live apart why would you sleep over half the time, that's living together.

@gwenhwyfar no offence taken I didn't have any friends when I got married. I had been in an abusive relationship where my ex had alienated me from everyone. Any friends I had before I was widowed were made after my marriage, and were either all married, or have entered relationships over the years. I had very few friends to be honest, it has shown me that the friendships were fairly fickle by what has happened. I don't have the confidence to go out and make friends now, I have lost the knack if I ever had it. I'm not much of a conversationalist, I'm shy, socially anxious and telling someone you've just met that you're a widow is quite the buzz kill (I don't exactly start every conversation with it, but people tend to ask background stuff like are you with anyone, etc, or I'll mention him in the course of conversation without thinking).

[quote VienneseWhirligig]@gwenhwyfar no offence taken I didn't have any friends when I got married. I had been in an abusive relationship where my ex had alienated me from everyone. Any friends I had before I was widowed were made after my marriage, and were either all married, or have entered relationships over the years. I had very few friends to be honest, it has shown me that the friendships were fairly fickle by what has happened. I don't have the confidence to go out and make friends now, I have lost the knack if I ever had it. I'm not much of a conversationalist, I'm shy, socially anxious and telling someone you've just met that you're a widow is quite the buzz kill (I don't exactly start every conversation with it, but people tend to ask background stuff like are you with anyone, etc, or I'll mention him in the course of conversation without thinking).[/quote]
I see. I was wrong then because it seems you didn't get rid of your single friends or refuse to make new ones. I do look down on couples who will only socialise with other couples and have no sympathy when that rebounds against them, but seems it wasn't your fault here.

"Fair question, the answer is he didn't like us sleeping over. And I see his point, if you want to live apart why would you sleep over half the time, that's living together."

Ah no, he sounds more like a fuck buddy than a boyfriend then. Why would you agree to sleep with someone who kicks you out at midnight? I can sort of see being able to have a better night's sleep at your own place, but it's not relaxing to be travelling around at midnight as you said yourself.
And sleeping over half the time is not living together, otherwise OP wouldn't be asking the question.

Someone to chat to, watch telly with, someone to run ideas past and give each other advice. I like having adult company and someone to spend time with in the evenings. Housekeeping and childcare are easier. I always have someone to send downstairs if there is a noise at night.

I don’t think sleeping over someone’s house means you live there, I stay over at my friends houses and my mums house doesn’t mean I live there. I find that a bit odd to expect someone you’re seeing to leave as you “don’t live together” staying over for the night or even for a week should be fine with someone you’re dating ?!

" I find that a bit odd to expect someone you’re seeing to leave as you “don’t live together” staying over for the night or even for a week should be fine with someone you’re dating ?!"

Reminds me of the horrible 'friend' with benefits in Bridesmaids.

Surely the reason people move in together is to make it more convenient to have sex!?

That's the only motivation I've ever had!

Like others here I much prefer living alone. I don’t agree that a relationship where you don’t live together is less committed, just because it’s different from the majority doesn’t reflect on the value or strength of the relationship. I wish society would move on from the nuclear family hetero partnership being seen as the only ‘proper’ or ‘right’ way to live. It doesn’t have to be the obvious next step in a relationship if it’s not right for the individuals, just like getting married and having kids don’t have to be the next step if that isn’t what the people involved want. These things should be options, not seen as milestones. More people should give real thought to what they want their life to look like and make sure they’re not doing things just because they feel they should

If I became single for any reason, I absolutely would get my own place and keep it . I would want a relationship where I could go over to his or he could come to mine but I wouldn’t live with anyone again for sure.