Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why do people want to live together?

80 replies

SpiderInTheBathroom · 26/06/2021 09:57

Disclaimer: I have autism. I'm not being obtuse or disingenuous with this question.

Other than sharing the financial/domestic load which, from reading any threads on here doesn't always happen, what are the benefits to living with a partner? Why do you do it?

I ask because I tried it once and hated it! Always someone else and their stuff in my space! The company was nice but never being able to truly escape it was hard. We had separate bedrooms because i couldn't sleep with his clutter in there.

I'm in my 40s so a lot of women I know are married or in relationships and live together or wanting to and it just doesn't seem to benefit many of them except their living costs are reduced. I have a friend who is desperate to move in with her boyfriend of two years but it seems to be more about validating the relationship and knowing where he is every evening than anything else.

OP posts:
BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush · 26/06/2021 10:02

.nicer house than I could afford on own and it’s cheaper sharing bills. Sharing the load too.

Really….while I struggled at first and put off moving in for a long time…it’s nice to wake up next to someone, he’s a laugh(sometimes intentionally), we enjoy spending time together.

Probably if we split up and I was doing it all again, I’d keep my own place.

FinallyFluid · 26/06/2021 10:02

If my DH of 32 years and I didn't live together, I would have to make my own coffee in the morning.

That there is a solid gold reason. IMO Grin

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 26/06/2021 10:03

Years ago it used to be a kind of trial marriage before going ahead and tying the knot.

Now it's mainly financial

aboutbloodytime123 · 26/06/2021 10:34

It is so lovely to fall asleep snuggled up with someone at the end of the day and wake up to sleepy hugs in the morning. Living costs are cheaper, if you have younger DC it's easier to just pop out/go for a run etc when you want to. You don't have to get in the car or move mountains just to sit down and have a cup of tea together.
Nobody's perfect and people are far more likely to tell you what they don't like!

Funnylittlefloozie · 26/06/2021 10:48

I like going to sleep next to him, and waking up next to him. He makes me a coffee every morning. We can have sex whenever we want Grin. He is absolutely my favourite person in the whole world, and i enjoy having him around and spending time with him. Also, he does his share of the household chores without being reminded. He's like, an actual adult!

TakeYourFinalPosition · 26/06/2021 10:50

My husband is the only person I’ve ever truly loved living with - everyone else went through peaks and troughs. But we work together well, and we naturally live very similarly. And we both do housework! I miss him if he’s not in my space Grin

Just having him around makes me happier, and my day better. And living together means he tends to be around!

Pegsonstrings · 26/06/2021 10:51

I am so with you OP. I felt claustrophobic at times. As nice as it was at times I also wanted my own space. But then my ex was abusive in every sense, just not all the time. Felt such relief when I finally picked my dignity off the floor after his last antics and so happy to be on my own.

bitheby · 26/06/2021 10:53

I've never lived with a partner and I'm also autistic. I would like to in theory but am a little worried about the practicalities if it ever comes to it. I asked my last partner to move in with me because I loved him and wanted to spend more time with him. He said no for lots of spurious reasons that upset me. We're no longer together.

LoopTheLoops · 26/06/2021 10:56

I’ve never lived with anyone, there was always some excuse with my ex, mainly money... I didn’t like not living with someone who I was in what I thought was a serious relationship not a causal one, if it’s casual then fine no need to move in, but I felt like we were living 2 separate lives. It’s one of the reasons it didn’t work out

Napssszzz · 26/06/2021 11:03

Yy to having coffee made for me most mornings still feels like a treat. More opportunities for sex, cuddles, in person chats. Worse for us financially but better for the kids, and me too thanks to the above. He's not so sure but I think it does him good overall as e.g. he does usually like to offload his day and I'm happy to listen. He does housework. We don't share a bed. This helps.

Milomonster · 26/06/2021 11:07

Agree. After divorcing, I have loved having my own space. I cannot imagine living with a man again, although I do hope to have a long-term relationship again.

Bells3032 · 26/06/2021 11:07

Cos I love spending every second I can with him. Love waking up next to him and just being around him.

I lived with a previous partner for a month and hated every minute of it. Even ended up sleeping in seperate bedrooms as hated sleeping next to him.

I think to want to live together it's got to be the right person.

ladybee28 · 26/06/2021 11:11

DP and I have been together 5 years. Moved in together for 2 years, and then 18 months ago I got my own place.

It's IMPROVED our relationship.

I think a lot of it is social norms –many people (me included, previously) don't question if it's really 'right' for them, it's just 'the next step' after dating and before marriage.

And if you ain't ticking those boxes, what are you doing together?

KylieKoKo · 26/06/2021 11:12

Because living alone in London is extremely expensive. Better to live with your partner than a random housemate.

Bronson2 · 26/06/2021 11:14

I love coming home to him
It's great sharing the load for cooking and cleaning esp if one of us is busy
We cuddle up perfectly on the sofa
I love knowing he is just somewhere in the house even though we'll often be doing our own thing
Warm sleepy morning cuddles are the best and just not the same if one of you has to get up and get dressed to go to the others
The small little chats and laughs throughout the day
I can't garden and he loves it so I can just admire our beautiful garden having done none of the work, apart from keeping him stocked with refreshments
He's one of the best people I know and I just love sharing my life with him

ApolloandDaphne · 26/06/2021 11:17

We have been married for 36 years and it would seem odd not to have him here. He also makes a great cup of tea!

crinklyfoil · 26/06/2021 11:23

@LoopTheLoops

I’ve never lived with anyone, there was always some excuse with my ex, mainly money... I didn’t like not living with someone who I was in what I thought was a serious relationship not a causal one, if it’s casual then fine no need to move in, but I felt like we were living 2 separate lives. It’s one of the reasons it didn’t work out
You had quite a lot of kids though?
massiveportion · 26/06/2021 11:24

I agree OP. Don't see the attraction tbh.

LoopTheLoops · 26/06/2021 11:25

Yes and? You can have kids and not live with someone?

crinklyfoil · 26/06/2021 11:27

I know. Doesn’t really suggest commitment though.

ladybee28 · 26/06/2021 11:34

@crinklyfoil

I know. Doesn’t really suggest commitment though.
What exactly do kids suggest? You think sharing a bathroom is more of a commitment than multiple lives binding you together?
BatShitLife · 26/06/2021 11:35

I’m 34, haven’t lived with a man since I was 29 and probably won’t ever again. I have 3 daughters aged 12/10/5 so aside from it being unfair to expect them to live with a man just because I want to, I can’t be fucking arsed with the politics that come with it, the feeling of losing my own space (I’m ASD and so is 10YO)

FizzyPink · 26/06/2021 11:36

DP works very long hours so if we didn’t live together we’d likely only see each other during the evenings on weekends.
Much cheaper and we can save for a house more quickly
When you’re ill there’s someone else to fetch drinks or painkillers or make you a snack
It’s just nice having someone to come home to and share a bed with

However, DP and I are very very similar in our need to have an immaculate home. There’s no way I could live with someone who left their pants on the floor or left their stuff lying around. There’s also a fair amount of compromise needed in living with another person harmoniously. For example, DP leaves for work very early so his alarm wakes me up a good 2 hours before I need to wake up. I accept this because I’m sure there’s lots of things that I also do that annoy him which he doesn’t complain about. I think the benefits of living with someone have to outweigh the compromises and for you OP it sounds like you’re happier living alone which is totally fine

BatShitLife · 26/06/2021 11:37

I’d rather be skint Grin

Also I have a solid group of friends so I’m very rarely lonely in terms of other adult company, and if want a shag, I get a babysitter and go out to my FWBs house.

crinklyfoil · 26/06/2021 11:40

I think if you have children together but you have separate residences (but are not separated) most people would find that fairly unusual to be fair lady

I do like my own space and I have struggled with this over lockdown but on balance my life is enhanced from living with DP. I do like it when I get rid of him for a while though Grin