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Relationships

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Why do people want to live together?

80 replies

SpiderInTheBathroom · 26/06/2021 09:57

Disclaimer: I have autism. I'm not being obtuse or disingenuous with this question.

Other than sharing the financial/domestic load which, from reading any threads on here doesn't always happen, what are the benefits to living with a partner? Why do you do it?

I ask because I tried it once and hated it! Always someone else and their stuff in my space! The company was nice but never being able to truly escape it was hard. We had separate bedrooms because i couldn't sleep with his clutter in there.

I'm in my 40s so a lot of women I know are married or in relationships and live together or wanting to and it just doesn't seem to benefit many of them except their living costs are reduced. I have a friend who is desperate to move in with her boyfriend of two years but it seems to be more about validating the relationship and knowing where he is every evening than anything else.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 26/06/2021 11:50

Its not for everyone. Im autistic. Me and my partner have lived apart but still coparented for a few years and as much as there are good points to living apart, it does get a bit much when you have kids, especially if you want to actually have your own life too. Im hankering now for the bumbling along together chilled out part of living with somebody you love rather than doing visits and carving out time where you are supposed to give full attention.
Admittedly I would miss having my own bedroom though

TreeSmuggler · 26/06/2021 11:52

Sounds weird but I feel like I get more time to myself when I live with a partner, compared to dating.

When you are dating, you end up visiting the other person 2-3 a week, you spend the evening at their place or they at yours. You can't get on with your own thing because you are visiting. So you spend all that time just "with them", meanwhile you can't do anything else, can't see anyone else, can't have a pet as you aren't at home half the time, chores build up. Not to mention the time wasted packing bags (although you always forget something) and driving back and fourth.

By comparison, I now chat to my dp over breakfast, then I'm free for the rest of the day. Whether I want to go to the gym, see a friend or just go to bed early, I can.

LoopTheLoops · 26/06/2021 11:53

Well he’s argument was that we “pretty much do live together” as he would spend 5 days here etc then go home for a few days for example. According to him all his friends partners would “love it” but you just have to look at threads of here and I’ve seen a good few where people say they would like their husbands to move out and come round to visit as they like their own space etc. I don’t think they would like it in reality though.

ladybee28 · 26/06/2021 11:53

@crinklyfoil your backpedals are looking a bit loose there.

You didn't say "that's unusual", you said "doesn't really suggest commitment though".

Not the same comment, and certainly not the same sentiment.

TreeSmuggler · 26/06/2021 11:54

This doesn't apply to the child free, but if you are planning to have kids, living together is an obvious choice so you can share the work and both spend time with them.

crinklyfoil · 26/06/2021 11:56

It isn’t a backpedal. I stand by what I said. Someone wants to have a child with you and refuses to move in with you - that’s not a committed parent or partner. At all.

loop I think it’s one of those where it’s a nice fantasy (is it Helena Bonhem Carter and Johnny Depp who lived next door?) but isn’t practical in most cases. I’m sorry you got treated like that.

crinklyfoil · 26/06/2021 11:57

That’s not weird tree, it’s the biggest factor I think.

A lot of threads about loneliness on here urge posters to find people to do something with when actually the cure to loneliness is having someone around doing nothing with. Even just watching telly is more enjoyable when DP is around, unless it’s something I really want to watch and he won’t stop talking, but that’s where personal space also matters.

userxx · 26/06/2021 11:59

I lived alone for 10 years then my boyfriend moved in, wished we'd kept living separately to be honest. I much prefer dating.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 26/06/2021 11:59

No idea OP, I've been married twice and hated it, I'd much rather live on my own and now do.

VienneseWhirligig · 26/06/2021 12:00

I loved having someone there at the end of the work day to talk to - moan about my day, tell him gossip or things that I'd heard, talk about current affairs, just generally another adult who I loved and trusted who listened to me and reciprocated the conversation. It's fucking lonely when you've had that for 20 years and he has the temerity to die, leaving you talking to a box of ashes instead Grin

On the serious side though that is one of the hardest things about living without my DH. I obviously miss him for himself, but the loneliness is the hardest part for me. Friends don't want to know when you've been widowed really, they don't know what to say and your sudden singleness spoils previously coupley events, so you don't get invited.

TreeSmuggler · 26/06/2021 12:01

I think it’s one of those where it’s a nice fantasy

I agree it's an unrealistic fantasy in many cases, it seems to rest on the idea that the dp would visit you whenever you want and evaporate at your whim. Nope - sometimes he'd be there and you'd be hoping he'd leave, other times you would like company but he's not there, sometimes you would be the one visiting instead of being comfortable in your own house.

Sometimes there also seems to be the idea that it would lead to eternal romance, I've done it and it doesn't. You still get bored with someone at about the same rate, at a certain point you've heard all their stories, etc.

This is not to say it can't work great for many people though, obviously.

minmooch · 26/06/2021 12:01

As an adult I have probably lived on my own (before and after having kids) more than with a partner/ husband. Have loved living on my own but equally love living with my current partner. Living with 2 previous exes was not easy. Living with my dp now is easy. We make each other laugh every day, we look out for each other, have each other's back. Equally share the load of domestic chores. We love doing the same things, but equally we have our own hobbies and friends that we see separately. We love spending time together but enjoy spending time doing different things. I probably need more space than my partner but I make sure I get that.

Our children (none together) have left home but they spend time with us and come and go.

We work together, it's fun, loving, peaceful, and I wouldn't ever want to be with anyone else. However there is strength in the knowledge that I am quite capable of living very happily on my own and would do so again if it all went wrong. We have no need to live together (ie no children and we are both independently financially comfortable) but we choose to live together as our lives are happily entwined. We are very similar in abilities to cook, clean, diy, garden, have similar attitudes to work/life balance, similar sense of humour so there's very little/no conflict.

The key is finding someone with whom you 'fit' well together, laugh together, but can cry together.

minmooch · 26/06/2021 12:03

I didnt mean we work together. I meant we work well together iyswim.

crinklyfoil · 26/06/2021 12:05

Tbf if someone could invent a husband that evaporated on demand that would be awesome Grin

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/06/2021 12:06

I think your point about validating the relationship is spot on tbh! I’ve been with my DP for nearly 10 years and we don’t live together, mainly due to both having our DC 24/7, who are at different schools and are very different types of people. Also I would lose out on single parent benefits if we moved in, which he’d be under pressure to subsidise for me so I wasn’t worse off than I am now. Any reduction in costs by sharing would be eaten up by needing a much bigger house for all our DCs, extra fuel running everyone around to school and friends etc and the added stress of having so many people around all the time.

It does feel like it’s not a proper relationship. We’re still technically boyfriend and girlfriend Envy after all this time. When we get together with our respective families it’s usually without the other one, so he’ll have his DBro round to his house and then come and see me the following night, or I’ll arrange dinner with my DBro after DP has gone home on a weekend to make Sunday lunch for his DCs. So there is a separation there which pervades into the way our families view us as a (non) couple.

I also miss him when he’s not here. He’s rubbish at keeping in touch so some days I don’t hear from him at all and others it’s a quick reply to a text so on any given day I could have no more than 20 seconds interaction with him. On the flip side I know that if we lived together I’d probably see too much of him, and he would drive me mad with his untidiness and lack of motivation around the house. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that when he’s not here for a few weeks I get loads of jobs done and he comes back to find a new front door, or a room being changed to a different purpose etc!!

I’m torn on the whole living together thing. Part of me wants to look forward to finally being able to live together when we’re older and the DCs have all left home. But part of me feels that some of the kids will never truly be independent and I’ll end up sharing my home with some of mine, some of his, their partners and friends/family/his ex forever more. Which makes me want to stay in my own little place even more!! I have a dream of living on a converted bus with a German shepherd dog and being free to roam, but it may end up being a 1/2 bed flat with a cat instead! Either way the previous dream of a big enough house for all the DCs to come and stay sounds like a nightmare at the moment Grin

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/06/2021 12:08

Flowers for you Viennese. That must be so hard for you after 20 years together.

TreeSmuggler · 26/06/2021 12:12

I was in a live apart relationship for five years, I would visit him and the evening would usually end in have sex, I'd be cuddled up in bed getting sleepy... then I'd get out of bed around midnight and drive home. It was so fucking grim! Freezing cold and (sorry tmi) with fluids dripping out, I'd run to my car and drive 30 minutes, get home and not be able to sleep even though I had to wake up in a few hours for work. I always carried a massive bag yet never had what I needed. I practically lived out of my car even though we paid for two houses between us! I would never do that again. It's about practicality for me.

TreeSmuggler · 26/06/2021 12:13

@crinklyfoil

Tbf if someone could invent a husband that evaporated on demand that would be awesome Grin
You are so right, but until that day...

I'm sure men have already thought of an evaporating wife and are working on this right now.

crinklyfoil · 26/06/2021 12:14

I hear all that tree

I’ve actually just cleared out a whole load of stuff. I had so many things like cheap supermarket trousers I bought for work because I’d wake up and realise I’d left mine at my house so needed to nip in Asda on the way to work … Grin

TreeSmuggler · 26/06/2021 12:24

Gosh yes. I've gone to work in yesterday's uniform, gone out to dinner in my work uniform, worn his socks, gone swimming in underwear as had no costume. That all sounds so pedantic and first world problems and it is, but I just can't be arsed with it any more. I want to be comfortable in my own home with own things.

BiBabbles · 26/06/2021 12:31

I agree that there are social messages that this is just what people in relationships do. For me, it's had several benefits though both of the adults I lived with started as a temporary measure (one a holiday, the other a place to stay after finishing university while he gets on his feet) that has ended up lasting a lot longer because it's worked for us even with the bumps and annoyances.

I sleep better and am more at ease with other adults I trust in the house. I didn't notice it until after we had a friend move in too, but adding in one more adult I could depend on if shit hit the fan overnight helped me sleep better and after some adjustment to another person, my anxiety levels dropped too. Looking back, I was the same as a teenager when I would be left for weeks at a time - every sound at night would grate my nerves and remind me of which windows didn't really lock properly or how easy it would be bust out a pane in the back door (very thin glass in a grid shape that came out more than once, went months with just cardboard in one of the holes once) to unlock it or incidents with intoxicated relatives that were often worst at night and they dropped after I left home and moved in with my now-spouse and had nice people around all the time. With other adults I trust and some improved security my brain can offload from hyper-vigilant mode and get some rest which makes everything else better.

I like that I can shift the physical and mental load and we can share skills - like we found out the heat pump in our dryer has died, possibly damaged in the recently move but it stopped collecting water. I arranged the engineer to come out as I had arranged the warranty on it, my spouse got the drying line and all the other things set up, we've all talked through options for the future. The friend we live with has done a lot of tasks over the last couple of months from painting to changing fuses to driving me to pick up a Facebook Marketplace keyboard because that got damaged in the move too and my DD1 needs one for lessons asap & I was so frazzled (and medically can't drive). This obviously can also be done with people not living together, but it somehow feels easier this way and it never feels like an imbalance like it does with some other people in out social circle where they've done several things for us and being people who never ask for help I've no idea how to redress that imbalance with them.

It can be annoying - I live with 2 other adults plus 2 teens and 2 younger children and very little of what is around is mine, very little of the mess comes from me, my friend-lodger particularly confuses me with his logic sometimes (he's very very neat in some areas and downright disgusting in other areas and I do not get it though have contented myself to at least most of his slobbishness being in his room that I don't need to see but I've had to have a chat with him and the kids about the sink not being a garbage disposal again).

Even with all those bugbears of people being complicated and having way more stuff than me, I prefer communal living. Maybe it's in part because I was pushed to live essentially on my own far too young and I've had so many systems then and since that let me down when I've tried to go it alone, or maybe it's just me. I like that when things go wrong, I've two other adults I can get support from at least and often also get practical help at pretty much any time with minimal niggling that I'm being a bother because I know I can and do give them the same in return in my own way. I like when things are going right, our home is a built in party to celebrate. It helps me be more independent in a way as happened this week where I had a fall, there was someone right there who checked on me and helped me with the task I'd been in the middle of, and after a bit, I went on with my day. If I'd been alone, I would have been more likely to do less as I'd have been too scared of another fall and become risk-avoidant whereas with other adults in the house I'm not as much.

Even little things like finding that annoying task that I've been procrastinating has been done because I'd mentioned it in passing and one of the other two or even one of my kids decided to do or doing that for someone else is nice.

Arrierttyclock · 26/06/2021 12:57

Because I enjoy his company and would miss him if we didn't live together

userxx · 26/06/2021 14:19

@VienneseWhirligig that's absolutely shit, those people aren't proper friends. I hope you give them the same treatment if they end up in your position.

Peace43 · 26/06/2021 15:09

Also autistic and divorced after 14 years living with my exH. Now fully committed to never living with anyone (except DD and dog) again. Luckily my lovely DP is in full agreement. I don’t want to share my space or compromise and I don’t need the financial support.

Bagamoyo1 · 26/06/2021 16:53

I’m with you on this OP.
I love DP, he’s great and I really enjoy his company.

But I have 2 kids and a demanding job, and I get very little alone time. I need regular time when I’m on my own, or I’d go insane.