How do I make myself have sex I don’t want without crying?

[Cellophanepianist]

It’s a really not great and difficult situation but I don’t want to sleep with DH and I don’t think I will ever want to sleep with DH but I care about him and love our dc so I have to do it else my marriage is over. And that’s reasonable, it’s reasonable to expect sex with your wife or long term partner, it’s not his fault.

How do I make it better? How do I manage it so it doesn’t feel so dreadful?

You don’t.

Come on, you know this. And the thread will be unanimous.

Does your DH love and care about you?

Oh @Cellophanepianist you don't 'manage it's. You work on why you don't want to, alone or together.
Is there an underlying medical, emotional or abuse problem.

Why don’t you want to have sex with him?

You can’t do this, it will destroy you inside.

I do understand why you think you should, but it just isn’t workable.

Wishing you strength and courage.

Get really really pissed?? No seriously, please do not force yourself to have sex if you don't want to. If he sees you upset about it surely he won't want to do it either. Sounds so hard

You don't ever have to have sex you don't want. Ever.

Yeah, you do know the answer… you don’t. It’s not fair on your Dh either. Would you want to be in the position of having sex with someone who’s finding it such an ordeal they feel like crying?

If you care about him you need to be honest and he needs to have choices in this relationship too.

I agree that you don't. Unless you want to go down the therapy road and see if you can revive the feelings.

This is how the end of my marriage began. I did nothing about it (was firmly in denial) snd he ended up having an affair.

There are lots of options and talking /getting help is one of them.

I really feel for you.

You shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to, but if you love him you should at least try to find out why you feel this way, and is there anything you can do to change it.

You seek professional help to find out why you don't want to have sex - assuming it's not something that your DH is doing/not doing to put you off. On the same assumption your DH will support you every step of the way.

How would your husband feel having sex with an unwilling partner? my dh couldn't do it.

what you are thinking of doing isn't the solution to your problem.

If you want to save the marriage you get counselling to try otherwise you separate . If having sex with your husband actually does make you cry do you seriously think he won’t realise that you aren’t a willing partner ?

This is not the answer love x

Has something changed so you've been put off for life, have you just grown put of him, or have you never wanted sex with him?

Oh Op, you can’t seriously think you’ll get replies suggesting strategies for getting on with sex you don’t want? Because you should never, ever have sex you don’t want. If your DH really is a decent guy, he’ll understand this.

Please don't have sex you don't want. There must be other arrangements that could be agreed. Something that suits you both.

Having sex you don't want is more than just a physical activity. It is mental and emotional. It is invasive and destructive to your self worth.

Have you always felt this way about sex? Did you feel this way with other partners?

Your dh should not want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want it! You don’t try and power through, you try to fix it if you can and should. If you don’t want sex because he’s abusing you then you need to speak to someone about how to leave him. You should never have sex you don’t want.

Do you Want to WANT to have sex? With your husband? Do you not want to have sex with him specifically? Or have you just lost your libido?? Don’t force yourself. Your Dh surely would never want to have sex with you if you’re in such a state. Maybe speak to your gp. Losing. Your libido happens, it’s wether you want it back, or wether you have it but just not with him. People can survive in sexless marriages- it’s not just about sex.

I don't think forcing yourself to have sex that makes you feel dreadful is going to help you or anyone in the long run. It might help if you explained what makes sex feel dreadful - there may (emphasis on may) be physical or mental ways to make it something you want again.

What you’re suggesting is self harm. Your husband should not want to do it, if you do not want it. However you do need to get to the bottom of why you feel the way you do and have an open honest conversation about it.

What age are you? How long has this been an issue? Did you ever enjoy it?

Of course you don't force yourself, but I do think the reasons matter. Maybe not to us on mn, but to your husband. Does he know you don't want to? Does he know that you might never want to? How does he feel?

You have a right to autonomy over your own body, but your husband also has a right to the facts and be able to make a decision about his own future. You owe him that at least.

I wouldn't live in a sexless marriage unless it was due to medical reasons. I wouldn't expect my husband to either. For what it's worth this was a very real prospect for us at one point due to cancer treatment, so it's something I've thought about in the past. Also if I couldn't have sex, I would still expect both of us to work on our intimacy in whatever way we could.

What is your relationship like apart from this?

You don't. No one should have sex they don't want.

Can you pinpoint what part makes you feel dreadful about sex? The thought of it or the actual act or both?? Do you not take any enjoyment in doing it at all?

Reason I ask is my DH wants it much more than me, with 2 young children I much rather favour sleep over sex so I do do it more than I'd fancy but once we've started I do enjoy it, its just hard to motivate myself sometimes!!!