How do I make myself have sex I don’t want without crying?

[Cellophanepianist]

It’s a really not great and difficult situation but I don’t want to sleep with DH and I don’t think I will ever want to sleep with DH but I care about him and love our dc so I have to do it else my marriage is over. And that’s reasonable, it’s reasonable to expect sex with your wife or long term partner, it’s not his fault.

How do I make it better? How do I manage it so it doesn’t feel so dreadful?

It’s interesting to see other people have felt similarly. I couldn’t pinpoint from when it went to not really that bothered about it but tolerable to physically feeling a lurch of anxiety around it. It seems to have been gradual actually.

I agree with everyone else that a man who'll fuck you while you cry is not worth hanging on to, but if you're not ready to leave him yet could you suggest an open relationship? If you give him permission to seek sex elsewhere would you feel able to refuse him yourself?

Why are you with him? Wouldn't it be better to leave and be able to sleep peacefully in your own bed every night?

But your marriage is already over. There is no love or respect between you and your husband. You cry while he ruts away on you. Everyone deserves better than that.

If you don't think this is enough to leave him for (and my god it is really is .. would you ask anyone else but you to stay in this marriage?) Then leave FOR your children. Your relationship is unhealthy, it will give them a unhealthy template of a relationship. If you have a daughter think how you would feel if she was posting this in 20 years time.

This man does not care about you. Please leave. For you and for your children.

@Cellophanepianist

He’s never been keen on giving oral sex and I don’t expect him to do it if he doesn’t want to

Yet he'd expect you to have sex if you don't want to, or are not feeling it.

I know divorce is scary. I've done it twice. Felt awful, but you cannot stay in a marriage like this.

@Cellophanepianist

It’s so hard and it feels a stupid thing to split up over when there are children involved, over the years I’ve asked if we could just kiss and not have full sex - take the pressure off and just see what happens - but he’s adamant that it’s frustrating to not have penetrative sex so he won’t do anything else either. He’s never been keen on giving oral sex and I don’t expect him to do it if he doesn’t want to, so that’s always been out even though I know I like it. It’s always been all or nothing, few minutes of foreplay and then sex.

You think that not having your needs met, or being listened to, is a ‘stupid thing’ to split up over?

You’ve described that you’ve asked for things that might make physical intimacy better for you and he’s said a flat-out no.

Why do you want to stay?

You need to answer (for yourself, not us) the fundamental question of WHY you choose to stay in this marriage.

Why do you stay?

I've been with my dh for 24 years. Sex is never a chore and he's been ill for 6 months that I miss the closeness we had. He does too.

If I felt like you, I'd be preparing to end the marriage than live a lie. Crying during sex and only doing it so he doesn't leave isn't a good relationship.

Do you have daughters?

Would you want them to stay in a marriage like this when they're older?

I was in your position. It got worse, my body started physically preventing him iyswim. I hated myself more and more because my mind was saying I love him, I owe it to him, he needs this. How could my body let me down, now he's annoyed and it's my fault? It never occurred to me that sex should be fun and enjoyable in itself not because I had endured it and now he was satisfied and I would be free for maybe a day or two.

The day I left, that I slept in my own bed without his crawling hands it was bliss. Now I have someone who sees me, respects me and only has sex with me when I want it. I thank myself every single day that I'm free. My body and mind work together and we protect eachother. I sacrificed my bodily integrity for too many years for a quiet life. I regret that deeply and will never make that mistake again. It costs far too much.