How do I make myself have sex I don’t want without crying?

[Cellophanepianist]

It’s a really not great and difficult situation but I don’t want to sleep with DH and I don’t think I will ever want to sleep with DH but I care about him and love our dc so I have to do it else my marriage is over. And that’s reasonable, it’s reasonable to expect sex with your wife or long term partner, it’s not his fault.

How do I make it better? How do I manage it so it doesn’t feel so dreadful?

Thanks for telling me how to post

I’ve name changed but I’ve been here for years.

I’m not attracted to him, even though objectively I can see he’s nice looking. Years of neglect have made me withdraw. I’m not sure I ever really fancied him as I should have done.
I’m not asexual but I find because we are so distant that any intimacy feels wrong, kissing is actually worse than having sex.
He carries on even when I’m crying. He doesn’t make me though, just to be clear, it’s just fairly obvious I’m not into it.

I’m not asexual but I find because we are so distant that any intimacy feels wrong, kissing is actually worse than having sex.

Are you sure you love him? Is this marriage just convenient? It sounds like it's taking a maybe toll in your mental health and no one is addressing anything. It's not really about sex. You feel neglected, you're very distant. You (and he) either want to sort things out or carry on as is, but I don't he's happy either. Men and women need emotional closeness and if you don't have it, he will be feeling it too.

You're crying because you're not into it. It's obvious you're not into it. He keeps going anyway. He doesn't care that you aren't into it. He doesn't care that you are being coerced into lying there and letting him fuck you.

Please please get away from this man who has no respect for you.

Your children will be happier with a mentally healthy mother. You can't be that whilst he's emotionally compelling you to have sex. You don't think he's forcing you. But he is. He knows he is. He doesn't care.

Please speak to someone in real life

He carries on even when I’m crying. He doesn’t make me though, just to be clear, it’s just fairly obvious I’m not into it.

Jesus Christ OP, end your marriage.

Whatever good points he may have or whatever barriers you have to splitting, that he keeps going knowing you don't want it and are crying makes him utterly disgusting. How can you even look at him?

OP you deserve more than this. No matter how amazing he is in other ways.

@category12

He carries on even when I’m crying. He doesn’t make me though, just to be clear, it’s just fairly obvious I’m not into it.

Jesus Christ OP, end your marriage.

Whatever good points he may have or whatever barriers you have to splitting, that he keeps going knowing you don't want it and are crying makes him utterly disgusting. How can you even look at him?

Please read this OP. This is a normal response to what your husband is doing. No matter how much my partner wanted sex, or wished he had it more, he could never ever see me not being an enthusiastically willing participant and continue having sex with me - because he cares about me and is a decent man. If I started crying during sex or was obviously unsettled or uncomfortable he would immediately stop shagging me, ask if I was ok and even if it was nothing to do with him / nothing he'd done wrong, he would feel bad for not noticing sooner that I wasn't in to it. He would be unable to maintain an erection while shagging me if he thought I was upset.

That's not anything special - that's how normal, well adjusted, loving and decent men behave towards women.

If they aren't happy with the sex in a relationship, they discuss it and if those discussions don't lead to change that makes them happy they end the relationship - they don't stay and keep having sex with someone who clearly doesn't want to and is visibly upset by doing so.

Can you imagine if your daughter / sister / friend was to marry the kind of man who carries on shagging a woman even if she starts crying or is visibly upset? How would you describe that man? A wanker? A nasty bastard? A cunt? Because that's the man you're married to.

I’d say figure out the reason why and if it can be solved. Never gave sex when you don’t want to.

The thought of your husband carrying on while you cry makes me feel sick, out of your comments I just can't get this one out of my head. You need to leave him.

@Ceriane

I’d say figure out the reason why and if it can be solved. Never gave sex when you don’t want to.

She has figured it out.

I’m not attracted to him
Years of neglect have made me withdraw
we are so distant that any intimacy feels wrong, kissing is actually worse than having sex
He carries on even when I’m crying... it’s just fairly obvious I’m not into iit

Can you imagine if your daughter / sister / friend was to marry the kind of man who carries on shagging a woman even if she starts crying or is visibly upset? How would you describe that man? A wanker? A nasty bastard? A cunt? Because that's the man you're married to.

A rapist, tbh. Even if you're going along with it, he knows you don't want it, so while he may not be physically forcing you and may have your lip-service to consent, you both bloody know it's not true consent. It's under duress, out of guilt, out of emotional blackmail, it's coerced.

Why the fuck are you with him?

This is truly awful. He’s not a good, kind, decent man. He’s just not.

Please listen to everything written above by @youvegottenminuteslynn

Ffs op you dont owe anyone sex. Let alone this total psycho who happily continues sex with a crying woman. Absolutely never sleep with him again. Ltb.

DH once stopped mid way through to ask if I was okay but I didn’t seem “into it”. I explained I was sore so we stopped. That’s how it should be. Carrying on regardless because he wants to finish, when you’re crying, that’s awful!

I would honestly suggest you get things in order. See a lawyer. Forcing yourself to sleep with a man who doesn’t even care if you’re crying as you have sex is just awful. You deserve so much more!

Years of neglect have made me withdraw

You say in your OP that you “care about him”.

Does he care about you?

@category12

Can you imagine if your daughter / sister / friend was to marry the kind of man who carries on shagging a woman even if she starts crying or is visibly upset? How would you describe that man? A wanker? A nasty bastard? A cunt? Because that's the man you're married to.

A rapist, tbh. Even if you're going along with it, he knows you don't want it, so while he may not be physically forcing you and may have your lip-service to consent, you both bloody know it's not true consent. It's under duress, out of guilt, out of emotional blackmail, it's coerced.

This is absolutely true. OP it's really sickening he carries on, I know it's probably a surprise to you people reacting like this but it's disgusting from him. Stomach churningly awful.

Your husband is a rapist.

Oh OP, if he knows you don’t like it but he carries on regardless that’s not good. He’s not a nice man.
You are worth so much more than this life you are existing in.

I stopped wanting to have sex with my children's dad and I simply didn't do it anymore. It was hard and I ended things. He still hopes we can one day sort it. I've been involved with someone else since. But he still hopes.

I can't explain how it happened. After our second child came along. It felt forced the couple of times we did it. It was very much a case of me feeling bored and like it was forced. I just wanted him to put it in and do it. He couldn't finish anymore and it became this chore of him lying on me. I was bored and he was just trying to finish and it went on for ages. So we stopped bothering. It got to the point where I didn't want to kiss him or hold his hand or anything. It was sad and it just happened. I wished I could get it back..but I didn't want him like that anymore.

He carries on even when I’m crying. He doesn’t make me though, just to be clear, it’s just fairly obvious I’m not into it

Please could you re-read what you wrote.

He carries on while you're crying......and then the next sentence you jump in to clarify that he doesn't make you have any sex (oh phew, well that's allright then)! Good job he's so far away from being a twister borderline rapist!!

Ask yourself, what kind of man has sex and is able to actually get sexually aroused when he sees that his partner hates it, when he sees her crying??? I don't think a lot of readers have seen your seconds post otherwise there would be more comments on that.

You care about him, but sorry, I don't think he cares about you in the way he should. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

There is no way to make yourself do it without crying. You are simply traumatising yourself every time you have sex when you don't want to. It wouldn't at all surprise me if you end up with PTSD. Seriously. What you are going through is what many prostitutes experience.

This is rape OP. Leave as soon as possible. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I would never ever have sex I don't want, not ever.
That kind of thing just destroys you inside. There has to be another way, counselling, saying no, separation, anything is better than that.

He clearly doesn't give a damn about you anyway - wake up!!! I'd be distraught if any partner of mine started crying while we were having sex. He sounds like a monster.

I know exactly how this feels I went through this with my ex husband. I wanted to die I felt like I was not longer a human being. I absolutely hated myself onthsnk god now I've divorced him. I'm still screwed up in the head since.