How do I make myself have sex I don’t want without crying?

[Cellophanepianist]

It’s a really not great and difficult situation but I don’t want to sleep with DH and I don’t think I will ever want to sleep with DH but I care about him and love our dc so I have to do it else my marriage is over. And that’s reasonable, it’s reasonable to expect sex with your wife or long term partner, it’s not his fault.

How do I make it better? How do I manage it so it doesn’t feel so dreadful?

ok you need to break this down a bit

WHY do you not want to have sex. The answer to this will help inform us on to how to help you.
if you have just had a baby and are not empotionally/mentally/physically ready then thats fine but you need to have a conversation with your husband so he understands how you are feeling
if you have a physical issue eg prolapse etc then again explain to your husband and then see a gP to see if any treatment can be done
if your husband beats you then leave him
if its because your husband wants you to do some sort of kink that you are not happy with or likes to do it in a way you are not happy with then you need to have a conversation and agree on something you are both comfortable with
if you dont love him anymore then its not fair to keep him trapped in a loveless marraige with him hoping things will get better
if you are replused by the idea of sex with a man and think you might be non-straight then again its not fair to him to string him along

none of the solutiosn to any of your possible answer to the above would be to grin and bear it!

There’s a big difference between forcing yourself to have sex you categorically do not want, and trying to revitalise your libido and sex drive so your marriage is happier.

What’s happened to your attraction to your husband? Why do you think it’s changed? Those are the things to understand.

Please please don’t force yourself to have sex. If it’s making you cry it’s not trivial so you have to understand the underlying issue.

It isn't reasonable to want sex with someone who doesn't want it.

Cellophane Pianist, might you like to have non-penetrative sex? Could you possibly pretend you are a sex therapist? Would sex with your man be okay i he came very quickly? It is important to keep your marriage and I suppose your man quite likes sex so is he willing to do it the way you want to do it?

You don't have sex that you don't want to have.

Where you go from there depends on why you don't want to have sex.

How do I make it better? How do I manage it so it doesn’t feel so dreadful?

Really depends on why you don’t want to. Are you asexual? Are you no longer attracted to him? Lacking in confidence? The sex is bad?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Welcome to mumsnet.

I know, I know. [shrug]

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
I'm hoping people don't start sharing stories.

Ugh, I feel a bit sick remembering the years of forcing myself to have sex with ExDH. Oh god it was so awful. No tips. Never found anything that I could use each time. I understand why you do it, though. I was lucky enough to not have DC with him. I was always quite insistent I wouldn’t. It made separating easier. Very happy, normal, loving sex with current OH (of 7 years).

You don’t make yourself have sex.

Put your energy into addressing the reasons why you don’t want to.

There is a world of difference between not being exactly in the mood and actively not desiring your spouse.

The former happens often because we get busy and tired or touched out from kids and sometimes it is worth pushing through to maintain that connection and your own sexuality.

The later is a feeling you should respect.

It isn't reasonable to want sex with someone who doesn't want it is of course absolutely true.

It is also not unreasonable to leave a sexless marriage as if you are a person who wants and enjoys sex and all the intimacy & connection it brings and you are facing the rest of your life potentially without that in your relationship or life.

I imagine what the OP is saying is that if she admits/reveals this to her DH she knows it would be perfectly reasonable to end the relationship as they are actually just in a platonic relationship so wants to avoid that. Sadly though OP unless you can change the way you feel about it there is no solution & presumably only one way this ends - neither of you should resign yourself to either side of that dynamic, not you having sex you don’t want or him with his less than ideal choice of either having sex with someone who doesn’t want it or not having sex at all - the first (if he knows) is wrong and the second is untenable in the long term.

It’s interesting how marked the difference is between a woman posting about this from the perspective of the person who doesn’t want sex and a woman posting as the partner who is with a man who doesn’t want sex. Women posting about men who aren’t interested are always encouraged to LTB or celebrated for having done so yet when the opposite is true and the marriage is sexless because the women isn’t interested then you get a lot of If your DH really is a decent guy, he’ll understand this and People can survive in sexless marriages- it’s not just about sex!?

What's the actual problem

Agreed. I have replied on this thread, but no way am I sharing details of my sex life with a complete stranger.

Do not let yourself or anyone else force you into having sex you don't want. Has he actually said your marriage is over if you don't give in?

That's not my experience on MN, several men have been told to LTB or find someone more compatible. Strange. I must miss those posts. Not really relevant to the OP really though, so meh.

I'd rather be in an open relationship than any side have to 'make' themselves have sex. I just couldn't do that. Please don't do that if that's what's going on, it will break your mental health surely.

And certainly not tips and tricks on how to have unwanted sex.

Don’t force yourself to have sex at all

Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

You don't.

Has he threatened that your marriage will end if you don't?

I

What happens if you say you aren't up for it? Are you afraid? If so, what gives you reason to be afraid?

How high in priorities do you think sex is for your partner? How high is it for you?

Do you feel valued and respected out of the bedroom? Or in it?

Have things always been this way?

@chickenyhead

That's not my experience on MN, several men have been told to LTB or find someone more compatible. Strange. I must miss those posts. Not really relevant to the OP really though, so meh.

What a callous response to the op. Just because it's not your experience doesn't mean the OP shouldn't ask for help.

Err it wasn't a response to the OP

It was in response to the poster who said men would get different advice. I has already responded to the OP.

@chickenyhead

Err it wasn't a response to the OP

It was in response to the poster who said men would get different advice. I has already responded to the OP.

General etiquette is to quote or copy & bold what you're responding to. Otherwise replies are assumed to be to the op. You can see how it came across as a bit rude! "Err" indeed