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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's been cheating and I am so so lost

99 replies

FrasierCraneDay · 24/06/2021 13:11

I never thought I'd be in this situation. "D"p has been so distant for about a month now. Anytime I've tried to discuss it with him he snaps. I knew something was up, so I snooped, rightly or wrongly. And there they were, weeks and weeks worth of messages. He loves her, he doesn't want me anymore. He had even booked a viewing for a flat next week. I had no idea. I am just so lost right now and really don't know what to do

OP posts:

category12 · 24/06/2021 13:25

Be gentle with yourself, you must be reeling.

Recommend bagging up his stuff and dumping it on the doorstep as your best move. Although you may not be ready for that one.

HollowTalk · 24/06/2021 13:26

I'm so sorry. Does he know that you've seen the messages?

Please don't beg him to stay. He's really not worth it.

What's your financial and housing situation like?

Drinkingallthewine · 24/06/2021 13:26

Do you have kids? What's your housing situation? Own? Rent? Who's on the tenancy/mortgage?

I'd want to gazzump his plans. Have his stuff packed for him when he comes home today. Every last thing he owns. Tell him you couldn't possibly stand in the way of true love so he needs to get the fuck out. Where he goes or who he stays with his no longer your problem.

TidyDancer · 24/06/2021 13:35

Oh I'm sorry OP. Thats a terrible way to find out.

How long have you been a couple? Are there DC involved?

Sunshineandflipflops · 24/06/2021 14:02

Sorry to hear this. Similar happened with my ex husband...his behaviour changed over a few weeks and when I asked him what was wrong he said he wasn't happy but couldn't tell me why (other than listing faults about me).

I found emails between him and a colleague not long after with all sorts of plans about what they would do together when they were "together" so when he got home that day his bags were packed.

Funnily enough the new life wasn't all he thought it would be with the younger woman and that ended within 2 years.

You'll get through it but it's horrible x

Original poster

FrasierCraneDay · 24/06/2021 15:48

Thankyou for the replies. He left last night when I told him I'd found the messages. Of course it's all my fault, I don't make him happy etc
We rent privately and have two kids. I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

lockef · 24/06/2021 16:28

sweetheart that's so horrible for you.
Just wanted to say sorry and it might not feel like it, but at least you know the truth of what's been going on

Maddox33 · 24/06/2021 16:36

He's going to have to step up and pay child support, he can't just swan off with his new love and think that's it, all done and dusted.

It's NOT your fault. He's deflecting the blame onto you to stop himself from feeling guilty. Tell your friends and family what has happened and get yourself a real life support network.

Don't be surprised if he discovers the grass isn't actually greener and comes crawling back in a few weeks.

HappyCamperT5 · 24/06/2021 16:37

💐

DinosaurDiana · 24/06/2021 16:47

Of course it’s all your fault, that’s what he says to justify his shitty behaviour.
He’ll be equally as shitty to the next one in time.
Well done for getting rid 💐

mummyof4kids · 24/06/2021 16:47

What a twat!
First of all don't blame yourself, they always deflect the blame to make themselves feel better because they know they're in the wrong.
For now take it day by day, concentrate on your kids and just getting through each day. Only communicate with him if it's about the DC.
Find out about any help you'll be entitled to, not sure if you're working or not but there's calculators online such as turn2us and entitled to that should tell you what you'd be eligible to claim.
Lastly, make a claim for child maintenance, his responsibilities don't stop because he's left.

ravenmum · 24/06/2021 16:50

Nasty, FrasierCraneDay. This is all about him, whether he's got the fear of ageing in him or craved attention for some reason.

Have you told anyone in real life?

DinosaurDiana · 24/06/2021 16:50

Are both your names on the rental agreement ?
Can you afford it on your own if he wants to come off it ?

PromTwink · 24/06/2021 16:58

£10 on him coming crawling back OP.

66babe · 24/06/2021 18:00

Nothing useful to add ... just a hug and a please take care of you 💐

Onthedunes · 24/06/2021 18:11

What an arsehole.

Another rediculous man puting his willie first instead of his own family and children.

How noble of him, he's a loser, don't forget that.
You need to take care of yourself, eat and drink, you are in shock, try to sleep whenever you can.
One day at a time at the moment, have you any RL support? Let people know and allow them to help if possible.

Take care
xx

KatherineJaneway · 24/06/2021 18:26

Whatabambam · 24/06/2021 18:53

Big hugs to you lovely. Remember that this is not your fault. By blaming you, he is creating an excuse for his cowardly and
cruel behaviour. Just be kind to yourself and tell as many people as you need to so that you surround yourself with love and support xxx

LeftyLou · 24/06/2021 19:09

@FrasierCraneDay

Thankyou for the replies. He left last night when I told him I'd found the messages. Of course it's all my fault, I don't make him happy etc We rent privately and have two kids. I just don't know what to do

Aww were you not giving him enough attention? Poor guy! This just proves he is a coward as well as a cheat!

I am not sure what the OW thinks as there is surely nothing more appealing than a man who intentionally breaks up a family with children in the most deceitful way.

for you, OP.

bigbaggyeyes · 24/06/2021 19:25

It's not your fault op, there's never a reason to justify an affair. If he wasn't happy he should have spoken to you about it. Not stuck his dick in someone else.

Have you got rl support. Are they his dc?

Sophia43361 · 25/06/2021 00:26

OP I'm so so sorry you have had to go through this. You must be devastated and also in shock.
The best advice I can give you is, take it all in, realise that he is not the person you thought he was even though it's going to hurt.
Don't run from your feelings you need to feel the pain.
This will help you move on from him and not have mixed emotions.
You will deserve better. You WILL find better, you will find someone who you truly love and who loves you.
You can do this.
Don't give in to him if he comes crawling back.
It's not worth it because things won't be the same again.
This betrayal will always be in the back of your head.
Xxxxx

Anordinarymum · 25/06/2021 00:34

@FrasierCraneDay

So sorry this has happened to you. All I can say is at least he's had the decency to leave. I realise you will be feeling awful right now. It must have been a shock for you to find out and then for him to leave so quickly. Don't let him trample all over you. It is he who has cheated and let you down. Stay strong

sausagesandbeans77 · 25/06/2021 06:41

Sad that you've been treated this way.
Lots of support from everyone here.
Don't take him back.
My hubby wanted us to split in past after I found he gone out with someone who by the way he still has contact on work basis😡
He was leaving me for a week and we stayed together but I don't feel same anymore. Part of problem is he kept this women in his life when not necessary knowing how bad I felt back then.
I resent this and relationship is never same after they've treated you like this.
Hope you can be stronger than me.

feeficken · 25/06/2021 12:17

I am so sorry OP that your going through this, its a horrible experience. Its fascinating to me that those that betray us like this always do the same stuff, and it doesn't matter if its man or woman. This crap is often referred to as "The Script" look it up.

Don't let him get into your head and blame you for this, I say this because I let what my wife was saying get inside my head and I took most of the blame for my wife stepping outside our marriage and its totally messed my head up. Its only now that I am realising that it wasn't my fault, yes I had my flaws but I was willing to work on my marriage and myself if I'd had the chance (still working on myself though). He is the one that made the decision and it was a conscious decision and now he is all "loved" up and caught in the new relationship highs. Protect and look after yourself, this is rough and right now (and maybe never again) he isn't thinking about you and your feelings (I know thats hard) and you will honestly think he has been taken over by aliens.

Original poster

FrasierCraneDay · 25/06/2021 13:49

I'm just in a complete mess. The messages between him and the ow were hideous to read. He went into detail about my mental health issues and how he "couldn't cope with me" whatever that fucking means. I feel violated. This strange woman knows about my private issues. It makes me feel physically sick

OP posts:

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