He's been cheating and I am so so lost

[FrasierCraneDay]

I never thought I'd be in this situation. "D"p has been so distant for about a month now. Anytime I've tried to discuss it with him he snaps. I knew something was up, so I snooped, rightly or wrongly. And there they were, weeks and weeks worth of messages. He loves her, he doesn't want me anymore. He had even booked a viewing for a flat next week. I had no idea. I am just so lost right now and really don't know what to do

Its strange because a lot of people who have not been through this would think that its the sex between them thats the worst to handle and of course that stings but, however what I have found worse is the complete change in attitude towards our marriage/relationship and myself, and then the fact they have been talking intimately about their lives to the OM/OW.

Of course he needs to make sure he justifies his reasoning for straying to the OW and so will spin her these lines, I mean if he says you where a pretty good partner how would that look? so he needs to show hes unhappy in his life and that its over between you.

So sorry @FrasierCraneDay
Wish I had useful words to take this pain away but I don't
Just know that we are here for you 💐💐💐💐💐💐

Thankyou

I'm going from crying one minute to ridiculously angry. Financially it's going to be tough but I think I can just about manage if I'm frugal, plus one less mouth to feed.
I would rather he had lied to her about my supposed failings, instead of telling her my private information in great detail. It's like he has had a complete personality transplant

I read my exh's emails too - you do know exactly what is going on, which many people never find out, but yes, the crap they write is horrifying.

I was quite paranoid at first thinking he'd potentially been going round telling everyone this stuff about me and they believed it, so I couldn't correct that impression. Horrible feeling.
It wasn't like that, though. And I now feel that if people believe that stuff, it's not my problem but theirs.

Remember that:

• If the OW reads this stuff and believes it, rather than realising it is the usual crap spouted by cheating men, then she is probably not very savvy or intelligent, and has been tricked.
• Or she might be reading it thinking it is the typical stuff cheating men spout.

Have you got any outside support?

He had no right to share your personal problems with his fancy piece. What a disgrace he is. And her for listening to it and thinking that's OK.
I know you're reeling and feeling a lot of things right now, but try to take it one day at a time. It will get better and you'll get a lot of support on here. And good advice. You have done nothing wrong.
Sending hugs and love. You will get through this.

There are worse betrayals than sexual betrayals, aren't there? He's disgusting, telling the OW your private problems. Never forget he did that, OP, if he comes crawling back.

It'll take a while to realise it but you'll be so much better off without him. He's shown his true colours now - far better to be rid of him.

There is no way I could take him back after this. It's the ultimate betrayal, well that's how I feel anyway. I am going to end up on universal credit, my GP has said she will sign me off sick. I think I may take the summer completely off, spend it with the kids making sure they're coping then look for something part time later in the year. Single mum on benefits was never my plan but I have to make the best of it I guess.
Thankyou all for taking to me, it helps to have an outlet

You won't always be in that position .. nothing wrong with being a single mum on benefits ... but as your life settles and the children become more independent... your work opportunities will improve and you can enjoy a happy secure life with your DC
It's not so bad honestly 💐

,

You're doing the right thing for you and your family. You all deserve better.

It's gut wrenching op. But you will get through, even though it doesn't feel like it right now

As the partner of someone with MH issues it is tough and I've questioned on many occasions if I can cope and tbh a few months ago I was convinced I was going to leave (but that's another story) however I'd still never cheat no matter how bad things are because I wouldn't expect him to do it to me either.

He's had an affair because he's a shit and wants to justify his own actions.They always feed the OW a long tale of woe.

He's a cheat and a liar;you are better off single than with him and the only person who's to blame is him.

Pack his bags and give him his marching orders.

Yes nothing wrong with being a single mum on benefits. That's what it's there for. Single parents get a lot of stick in our society, but what people fail to see is that it's ( usually) the man who's fecked off, thinking with their penises and leaving women literally holding the babies. ( I realise there are a few stereotypes in there but you get my gist ).
Have summer off, I think that's a good idea. Like a pp said, it won't always be like this. You'll be stronger than he ever was. Your future can still be brilliant.

Benefits are there for people who find themselves in hard times like this.
But 66babe is right and things will change.
How old are the children?

Good to hear that your GP has your back. I'd also recommend counselling.

What a weak man walking out in his partner and children. Make sure he pays maintainence from now!

I've had similar happen to me and it's so horrible finding out they don't want to work through any issues, just fuck off to the easy option. X

@FrasierCraneDay

I never thought I'd be in this situation. "D"p has been so distant for about a month now. Anytime I've tried to discuss it with him he snaps. I knew something was up, so I snooped, rightly or wrongly. And there they were, weeks and weeks worth of messages. He loves her, he doesn't want me anymore. He had even booked a viewing for a flat next week. I had no idea. I am just so lost right now and really don't know what to do

I know it's an emotional time but think about everything very clinically/logically so you and your children are secure, and then deal with the heartache. I hope I don't sound cruel, I hope things get better soon and you're better off without him if this is how he treats you.

I'm trying to be practical, have done my UC application and changed the bills into my name. Other than that I just feel a bit lost in the wind. The dc's are 5 and 10. They are coping ok at the moment, they have asked for a movie night and they want to pitch the tent in the living room and have a sleepover they know they'll get what they want at the moment.

OP,
He is scum and you are well rid.

You will survive and hopefully he will at some point die screaming 🤣.

Channel that anger.
Tell family and friends.
Tell them how he betrayed your private business and let them support you.

The children aren't babies so thank goodness for that.
You have an understanding GP which is also good.

He's a loser and you will survive.

Enjoy your movie night op. Time with your children is so precious.

What a disgusting pile of shit he is.

A traitor, the the mother of his children, not just an adulterer, the most disloyal of men who probably has been making your mental health problems worse over the years or even the cause of them.

He really is not worthy of you, I know this must be extremely painful for you but I would cut dead. Anyone in your life who could be so heartless is not worth the time of day, ever.
You must treat him as a stranger, no emotion ever to be displayed to him, he is nothing.
You will get through this, but do not expect any remorse, regret or any understanding from him.
He is not to be trusted with any information about your life from here on in.

I hope you find support with others, this man should be dead to you, never forget what he has done, re build your life as though he never existed.
I hate him for you.

Last week was my 31st wedding anniversary to an utter dickhead.

A dickhead I divorced 20 years ago.

I spent the entire day feeling incredibly cheerful and blessed that I wasn't spending the day with him. That I wasn't still married to him. That I'd had 20 years that were much improved without him in them.

Good luck, OP. It will get better and you'll look back gratefully at some point that this tosser fucked off rather than hang around for another God knows how many years.

My friends have been amazing, and my family too, in that respect I feel incredibly lucky. My mum has said she'll cover whatever I am short this month so at least I don't have to worry about contacting the landlord just yet. I think spoiling the kids will certainly help, I just want them to feel secure as their world has completely imploded. They are good kids (I'm biased of course ) but they are being incredibly strong and well behaved. Monday I need to contact the council and claim for child support. I'm feeling a little stronger, the thought that I could still be sharing a bed with him while he's doing god knows what with another woman is a scarier thought than being on my own to be honest.

Just wanted to send 💐 and say do read stuff on here about ' the script'. The pattern is so often the same, immature men who fancy a change, trying to find fault with you to justify their own seedy, shabby, selfish behaviour.

Having been through this myself some surprising things I have learned is that children can be resilient, especially if they can see that you are taking it in your stride. Mine say that they actually see more of Daddy now on the alternate weekends as he was always at work or out cycling at weekends before.

Also.. you won't believe this now (and it's too soon), but there are decent men out there. I'm in my 50's, overweight and am not a domestic goddess but to my astonishment I had a queue of potential dates when I was ready.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on right, FrasierCraneDay. It took me a couple of years but the positives definitely do outweigh the negatives. It's a nasty blow now but you really could end up thanking him for leaving.

I went and got myself checked out for STDs just for peace of mind.