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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's been cheating and I am so so lost

99 replies

FrasierCraneDay · 24/06/2021 13:11

I never thought I'd be in this situation. "D"p has been so distant for about a month now. Anytime I've tried to discuss it with him he snaps. I knew something was up, so I snooped, rightly or wrongly. And there they were, weeks and weeks worth of messages. He loves her, he doesn't want me anymore. He had even booked a viewing for a flat next week. I had no idea. I am just so lost right now and really don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Hsurbbrb · 25/06/2021 18:29

Oh shit op. Have you got someone who can stay with you for support?

billy1966 · 25/06/2021 19:01

It can be very difficult but the more you hold it together the less it will destabilise their feelings of security.

Really glad to hear you have great support.
It makes a huge difference in facing any upheaval.

Keep postingFlowers

Bluebellsinthesnow · 25/06/2021 19:51

Don't beat yourself for "snooping" I did the same three weeks ago and found out a guy who apparently wanted a future with me was shagging someone from tinder in April whilst we were on a break. After he finished giving her one he contacted me again!! Lovely behaviour.

You went with your gut. This is going to be a hard time now. But it's one you will get through with friends, family and keeping yourself busy. Keep strong. Don't blame yourself. Let her have him. Because they are both as bad as eachother be cowardly. He will do the same to her one day.
There's not alot anyone can say to make you feel better right now. But we are stronger than we think and most women have been in a similar situation at some point. 3 out of 4 of my relationships were cheats and liars. Think there's more of them than loyal ones now.

Fireflygal · 25/06/2021 20:19

Op, you sound like you are doing great and tent indoors is just great for your children.

The script for men who cheat (often they are very weak men who need OW as can't be on their own) is to play the victim. You have to be smeared for the victim role to work. You may not have been perfect but he will only point out the negatives not all the great stuff you do.

If you were that bad why did he leave the children with you?

OW is probably naive or just completely selfish as no sensible person hooks up with a married person and believes there is a happy after. Their affair is built on lies and she doesn't know him...give it time, maybe a few years and you'll see how much he regrets it

How old are you?

Tryalittletenderness · 25/06/2021 20:44

He’ll be back soon enough. You sound amazing x

updownroundandround · 26/06/2021 11:10

You are still in emotional turmoil, which is to be expected.

He has broken your trust in so many ways.

You are not responsible for his infidelity, and you never will be.

He is a selfish shit, and he always will be !

At some point, you will realize you are actually much happier than you've been in a long time, as it's very likely that HE was responsible for a lot of your 'problems'.

I'm so happy that you have the love and support of your family, because that will help you a great deal.

You can look to the future with excitement. You are a lovely, warm, caring person. A nice person. A reliable, devoted and hard working parent. A person who puts others before themselves. A Mother who devotes love, affection, time, money and attention on her DC's.

You will have a lovely future, filled with the love and laughter of your DC's and DGC's (in time). You really have a future. Flowers

Californiansunsets · 26/06/2021 11:30

OP you can do this, my STBXH of 31 years was caught having an affair. Do not feel guilty snooping, that’s what I had to do AND I hired a PI as well.

I am in the early stages of this, we only split at the end of April. Yes it is hard, and difficult but each day I am getting stronger. It’s only little by little that I’m getting stronger, but I am getting there, and you will too.

You can hold your head high, you have your morals, you have your integrity, what does he and his OW have……..nothing, they are snakes.

Keep your chin up high xx

Original poster
FrasierCraneDay · 26/06/2021 11:44

I am starting to feel like this is a total cliche. Man gets bored of family life and writes a story about how horrible the partner is. I hate him for doing this to our family, and I am beginning to hate the ow.
I'm sorry for all of you that have gone through this. It's an awful feeling.
I keep looking back at things and trying to work out if I could have done anything differently. But I assume not, I think even if I was perfect he would have still found fault with me.
The kids enjoyed their sleepover Grin and are planning a day in the tent on a pretend holiday.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 26/06/2021 12:00

You are getting the gist.

The blinkers have been removed from your eyes and that naturally has you looking back over the duration of your relationship.
Was any of it real ?

We have all been there, especially the ones who found themselves to be with back stabbing bastards like your husband.
The anger will help you keep him at a distance and also help not believing the lies and promises concerning financial arrangements with the children.
Don't take his word for anything.

You seem pretty clued up and are now seeing the real him.
Concentrate on the children, that part you know of your life was real.

EllieStartingOver · 26/06/2021 14:16

You are so, so much better off without this prick. He’s no prize, you will get through this and build a happier life for you and your children I promise.

Make sure you get a claim in for child maintenance too, there’s a calculator you can do online that will tell you what he needs to pay.

bigbaggyeyes · 26/06/2021 15:18

You could have farted gold rainbow dust op and he'd still have done it... none of this is your fault, why did he do it? Because he's a selfish cunt that's why.

Original poster
FrasierCraneDay · 26/06/2021 16:32

I just feel so alone at the moment and it's so hard. There is no way I would ever have him back, cheating is something I can never forgive but I feel such a failure. It feels like the whole world is judging me for being cheated on and ending up on benefits. This is not the life I had planned. And here is the most pathetic bit, it feels unfair. Unfair that he can choose to go off with another woman while I'm spending my time making sure the kids are coping ok. Unfair that this is completely out of my control.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 26/06/2021 16:53

If only women were as cruel as (some) men. You could just drop the kids round to wherever he is and tell him he has custody now.

Charley50 · 26/06/2021 17:13

Sending you love and strength to get through this. He's a cunt.

Original poster
FrasierCraneDay · 26/06/2021 17:23

He's a cunt made me laugh Grin
He really is. Absolutely no thought for the kids at all. I wish I could fast forward a few months so it isn't so raw. And of course I am hoping UC will be enough to live on

OP posts:
IsThisIt2021 · 26/06/2021 17:28

Has he even been in contact to see how the DC are OP?
Make a list of everyone you need to contact. Any joint accounts make sure you move at least half to an account in your name just in case it gets emptied by the idiot!

I think you'll need to get the tenancy in your name only for the housing element of UC to be paid, so will need to contact the landlord at some point.

Onthedunes · 26/06/2021 17:31

They are cunts, all the men that leave their wives and children high and dry.

And for all the people who belive in 'true love, written in the stars bollocks" no ! do your duty and bring the children up that you brought into this world.

@Charley50 is right in saying it would very rarely happen where the man had to bring up the children 95% of the time and try to get on in the world at the same time, yet women are expected to do this all the time.

These men are all useless.

skodadoda · 26/06/2021 17:46

@FrasierCraneDay

I'm trying to be practical, have done my UC application and changed the bills into my name. Other than that I just feel a bit lost in the wind. The dc's are 5 and 10. They are coping ok at the moment, they have asked for a movie night and they want to pitch the tent in the living room and have a sleepover Grin they know they'll get what they want at the moment.
This is good, keep it up 💐
Original poster
FrasierCraneDay · 26/06/2021 17:48

I applied for UC online but I am going to ring them on Monday for some advice.
Does anyone know how accurate the online calculators are?

OP posts:
EllieStartingOver · 26/06/2021 21:17

They’re quite accurate, I had to claim for the same reason as you this time last year and it was pretty much spot on!

I used entitledto website to calculate mine.

TwinsAndTrifle · 26/06/2021 21:29

Child maintenance can take a while to set your case up, and on the basis these are the colours he's shown, I wouldn't trust him to pay you what he should following a chat between yourselves. Phone them asap to get the ball rolling (not sure if you can apply online) and that way, you are ensured at least a minimum amount, which he must be able to prove he's given you, or they will deduct it from his pay.

Original poster
FrasierCraneDay · 27/06/2021 11:26

Thankyou, if the figure the calculator has given me is accurate we should be ok. I am hoping by September I should be in an ok place to start applying for jobs that work around the kids, even if it's minimum wage I'll be happy to take it. Then finish my degree.
I keep thinking about things like birthdays and Christmas and how hard it will be on the kids (and selfishly me too).

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 27/06/2021 12:57

One day @FrasierCraneDay your kids will come to realise what a strong, caring mum they were so lucky to have growing up. In time they will understand how hurt and betrayed you were and that you still put them first at your lowest point. They will remember a sleepover in a tent and movie night and how much it took for you to put your hurt to one side and care for them, to put them first. 💐💐💐 For you, I hope things improve soon, I have been in your situation and it felt like at times it would break me, you will get through this I have no doubt about that.

Original poster
FrasierCraneDay · 27/06/2021 13:06

@Dontbeme

One day *@FrasierCraneDay* your kids will come to realise what a strong, caring mum they were so lucky to have growing up. In time they will understand how hurt and betrayed you were and that you still put them first at your lowest point. They will remember a sleepover in a tent and movie night and how much it took for you to put your hurt to one side and care for them, to put them first. 💐💐💐 For you, I hope things improve soon, I have been in your situation and it felt like at times it would break me, you will get through this I have no doubt about that.
Thankyou Thanks I'm sorry you've been through this too. I know it's very early days but I can't begin to imagine trusting another man again.
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 27/06/2021 13:10

@TwinsAndTrifle

Child maintenance can take a while to set your case up, and on the basis these are the colours he's shown, I wouldn't trust him to pay you what he should following a chat between yourselves. Phone them asap to get the ball rolling (not sure if you can apply online) and that way, you are ensured at least a minimum amount, which he must be able to prove he's given you, or they will deduct it from his pay.

agreed 🌸