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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's been cheating and I am so so lost

99 replies

FrasierCraneDay · 24/06/2021 13:11

I never thought I'd be in this situation. "D"p has been so distant for about a month now. Anytime I've tried to discuss it with him he snaps. I knew something was up, so I snooped, rightly or wrongly. And there they were, weeks and weeks worth of messages. He loves her, he doesn't want me anymore. He had even booked a viewing for a flat next week. I had no idea. I am just so lost right now and really don't know what to do

OP posts:

Dontbeme · 27/06/2021 13:17

@FrasierCraneDay I felt the same about trusting another man, but I have been trying to reframe that to do I trust myself? Do I trust that I would have stronger boundaries and do I trust that I would be okay on my own or recover if a relationship broke down like this again? I am currently working on myself and that's enough for now. Maybe I will meet someone in the future and that would be nice, but if I never do that will be fine too.

Original poster

FrasierCraneDay · 27/06/2021 13:23

[quote Dontbeme]@FrasierCraneDay I felt the same about trusting another man, but I have been trying to reframe that to do I trust myself? Do I trust that I would have stronger boundaries and do I trust that I would be okay on my own or recover if a relationship broke down like this again? I am currently working on myself and that's enough for now. Maybe I will meet someone in the future and that would be nice, but if I never do that will be fine too.[/quote]
Yes I know exactly what you mean, could I trust myself to recognise the cheating behaviour etc. Then I worry that I'll get completely set in my ways and won't be able to compromise in another relationship
For now I just have to concentrate on the three of us. Get finances sorted first, when I know that I'll manage I'll feel more in control.

OP posts:

LittleMissPeggySue · 27/06/2021 13:38

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

A few years ago, I split from my husband, the circumstances of our break up were completely different but I remember a few days in, feeling raw and so scared for the future. I was driving back from the gym and realised that a few months from then would be my 40th birthday, I wondered what life would be like by then and the thought this too shall pass" ran through my head.

It will pass for you too, every day you'll get a little bit stronger and a bit further from the time you spent with that loser. I wish you all the luck and a peaceful future. I wish him an infestation of pubic hair mites and fingernails to short to scratch with 😂

Queenie6655 · 27/06/2021 13:40

What a scummy low life

You will be so much better off in years to come

Wishing you all the best xxxx

66babe · 27/06/2021 13:53

@LittleMissPeggySue yes !!!! This is what we need
An infestation of pubic hair mites - no nails and a sudden onset of piles !

Original poster

FrasierCraneDay · 27/06/2021 14:03

[quote 66babe]@LittleMissPeggySue yes !!!! This is what we need
An infestation of pubic hair mites - no nails and a sudden onset of piles ! [/quote]
this made me laugh!
It's such a double standard, if I waltzed out of family life, shacked up with a fella and demanded to see the kids at my convenience I would be crucified. But a man doing it seems almost main stream
My life, or so I thought, was sorted and ticking along nicely, then he drops this bomb and fucks off I need to channel my anger into something positive .

OP posts:

66babe · 27/06/2021 14:38

You do @FrasierCraneDay
I think you are going to be just fine , in years to come you will look back and remember that you always put your children first and they will know and appreciate that
It feels awful just now but please take time to take care of you

singleagain22 · 27/06/2021 17:53

As you said earlier this is a total cliche and it will almost certainly not work. I've seen so many husbands do this over the years and it almost always ends in disaster.
Focus on you and the children and let the b&stard see what he's missing.
You sound lovely and a great mum and it truly is his loss 💐

Amdone123 · 27/06/2021 18:03

@FrasierCraneDay, agree with everyone here. You sound lovely and are indeed a brilliant mum. What a fantastic role model you are. It will get better and easier, you'll see.

Original poster

FrasierCraneDay · 27/06/2021 18:25

I'm not sure about being a brilliant mum, I tend to wing it most of the time I wish I could be one of those mums that looks perfect all of the time and has her shit together, unfortunately I seem to be making it by the skin of my teeth most of the time
Tomorrow feels a little intimidating due to the calls I have to make so I assume I'll be bullying you lot into being my cheerleaders

OP posts:

R0SEMARY · 27/06/2021 18:30

Could I just politely disagree with you OP?

You said your kids world has just imploded. You are wrong.

They are still living in their own house with each other and their own mum, sleeping in their own beds, playing with their own toys, wearing their own clothes. Going to the same school with their own teachers and friends. They still have all your extended family.

All the main things in their life are stable and secure.

Yes their dad has left but he was NOT their whole world. He was just part of it and their main attachment is to you, as you are their main carer.

Yes it’s a change but it’s not as big a change as you fear. They will be fine. Kids are resilient and adaptable.

I’m a few weeks down the line from you and I’ve been surprised by how well my kids have coped, even though it’s early days.

Original poster

FrasierCraneDay · 27/06/2021 19:08

@R0SEMARY

Could I just politely disagree with you OP?

You said your kids world has just imploded. You are wrong.

All the main things in their life are stable and secure.

Yes their dad has left but he was NOT their whole world. He was just part of it and their main attachment is to you, as you are their main carer.

Yes it’s a change but it’s not as big a change as you fear. They will be fine. Kids are resilient and adaptable.

I’m a few weeks down the line from you and I’ve been surprised by how well my kids have coped, even though it’s early days.

Do you know what, you're totally right. Part of their lives have changed, but the foundations are still there.

OP posts:

R0SEMARY · 27/06/2021 19:13

QueenBee52 · 28/06/2021 02:54

@R0SEMARY

Could I just politely disagree with you OP?

You said your kids world has just imploded. You are wrong.

All the main things in their life are stable and secure.

Yes their dad has left but he was NOT their whole world. He was just part of it and their main attachment is to you, as you are their main carer.

Yes it’s a change but it’s not as big a change as you fear. They will be fine. Kids are resilient and adaptable.

I’m a few weeks down the line from you and I’ve been surprised by how well my kids have coped, even though it’s early days.

OOOooofftt harsh 😳

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 28/06/2021 06:42

I think @R0SEMARY has written one of the most succinct and appropriate things I've ever read about this situation. And it has helped me in mine (different though it is), thank you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. You will come out of it stronger. Good luck today with your calls x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/06/2021 07:23

@QueenBee52

How on earth was @R0SEMARY's post harsh? It was hugely helpful to OP in reassuring her that kids can cope well in these situations.

Charley50 · 28/06/2021 12:57

That's a great post Rosemary.

Onthedunes · 28/06/2021 13:31

@youvegottenminuteslynn .... only harsh if you are a male and feel insulted by saying you are not a massive part of your childrens lives.

It was a good post @R0SEMARY, very reasurring for the op.

Original poster

FrasierCraneDay · 28/06/2021 13:43

I didn't find the post harsh, it was nice to read and I hadn't thought about things like that.
Having a rough day today

OP posts:

noirchatsdeux · 28/06/2021 13:51

@R0SEMARY 's post is right on the button. My mother wouldn't leave my cheating father because 'it would affect the children badly' - my father had been working abroad for years at this point, rarely coming home, we were all in our late teens, it wouldn't have made any difference to our daily lives! Personally, I hated when he did come home as my mother changed into a tense, angry person. He left her for an other woman in the end...

Amdone123 · 29/06/2021 11:09

@FrasierCraneDay, how are you today?
@Rosemary, great post, so true.

Original poster

FrasierCraneDay · 29/06/2021 13:13

[quote Amdone123]@FrasierCraneDay, how are you today?
@Rosemary, great post, so true.[/quote]
Thanks for asking. I'm not doing too good at all if I am honest.

OP posts:

Amdone123 · 29/06/2021 17:38

@FrasierCraneDay, it will get better. You're bound to have some rough days. Hope the kids are OK.

ineedsomemoremetime · 29/06/2021 21:32

Probably useful also to know that if you are the only adult at home you can apply for single person discount on council tax - normally 25% off.

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