So disappointed with DH

[Sonone]

It's been like this for so long, I've tried talking to him, getting him to engage and it's all ignored.

My DH seems to be emotionally extremely lazy.

For example he never ever organises things with friends, unless I tell him too. An example a friend who lives close by was diagnosed with a serious life limiting illness, he's become disabled and has had to give up work. My DH work pattern means that he could go and visit easily during the day whilst the friend is home alone. He'd not organised anything (never ever does), I told him how I thought he should go and spend sometime with his friend. Just the two of them. He did it, both enjoyed, his friend said how great to have a visitor during the day, would love to do it again. DH never done it since (not due to Covid, it was before then). The friend can't drive now, so he's restricted with buses etc. His DW drives but works FT.

He never makes contact with friends, few now bother with him. I'm the one that people contact about meet ups, so my friends tend to be our friends now.

We have two DC, they are adult, I swear if I didn't arrange meet ups/invites etc he just would not bother. He only rings to talk to them if I tell him, he'll do it once and that's it! Consequently, any time they contact us, they contact me. Which is fine, but very sad.

DS is going through an extremely difficult patch, really bad, no job, relationship breakdown. I contact him everyday to make sure he's ok, have a chat etc.

DH has not contacted him once. I really think DS could do with hearing from his dad but no, as I've not told him to call he won't think of it.

I've got to the point where I'm emotionally drained as all through our relationship I've taken the caring and emotional role. I don't even tell him now about DS, my sister asked in front of DH how our son was and I was telling her. It of course as news also to DH as I'd not discussed my latest contact. He then says "you never said". No I didn't, you never ask, you never call him, you never listen to DS. If you're genuinely interested, show it!

He never organises anything (aside from we will have a row and I'll say I do all organising, entertainment, thinking about life stuff). He will then organise one thing and then it stops again.

I'm so worried about DS, I'm not sleeping, I'm stressed, I need some emotional support as does DS. He's had an awful time this week and DH has not contacted him once.

If DH would just arrange to meet DS, maybe have a drink and a chat and give him some time. He will gladly come along when I organise a meet, but never takes the lead.

I'm sick of him hiding behind me, he's so emotionally lazy, gets up goes to work, comes home and does the practical stuff but never the emotional stuff.

I feel DS and me are totally unsupported by DH, he just lives his life in his bubble.

I'm brewing to say something again, but it only works for the short term, so what's the point.

I feel so strongly about this, I'm considering a split, just to give me some time to think about what he's offering emotionally in our marriage.

Sorry that was long!

Doesn't sound like he will change

A break might be a good idea.

Why just "consider" a split? You're miserable and your marriage doesn't even come close to giving you what you need. Stop kicking a dead dog already and free yourself from this. Your husband sounds insufferable. I actually think both of you will be very happy on your own.

I'm considering it, because as with all marriages complex issues arise.

I can't just walk out tomorrow, things need to be sorted.

I'm also very emotionally drained at the moment, so another huge emotional upset will be hard to deal with.

Have you spelt out to him your issues and that you're considering leaving him if he doesn't buck his ideas up long-term?

With regards to his friends why does it bother you so much if he doesn’t contact them? Why do you feel it’s your responsibility to manage his friendships like that? You’re not his mum and it doesn’t sound like his friends are that bothered either so I would knock that on the head.

Its sad that he won’t reach out to your ds or support you but it seems like you’re trying to change someone who simply isn’t capable of it. Once you stop trying so hard to do the impossible you will probably feel a lot less drained.

Was he like this before you married him?

@MaMaD1990 I've definitely spelt it out, numerous times. It changes once, then it's back to the start again.

I've got a week from hell coming up, work being done on our property which is needed under a really strict timescale, very very difficult neighbour and builder needs to be organised to stop problems arising. I am going to have to deal with all the problems with neighbour, builder and timescales etc, he of course will make cups of tea. He's not even asked if the neighbour has made anymore "demands", because it doesn't occur to him, that I'm totally stressed with everything going on and him walking round without a worry in the world.

I'm awake at 3 every morning, my head spinning with worry and he is snoring next to me.

Maybe if he engaged with our DS, heard how low he is he might understand. But if you don't hear it, you can ignore it!

He probably wouldn't consider that I'd leave.

@Gilda152 not that I'd notice, but I suppose before we married we had a lot less worries and stuff to sort out? So maybe it was there but not seen, if that makes sense?

@Coriandersucks it bothers me about his friends because after 25 years together they're now my friends. The friend is a wonderful person as is his wife and I'd like to keep contact. I know they'd be there 100% for us, if in the same position.

Any friends of his that I'm not particularly bothered with, have fallen by the wayside.

And people wonder why young men struggle to talk about their feelings. There you have the reason why; the role model they have is their father. I would do as suggested above, stop arranging meet ups for your dh. Have you spoken to your dh about your son and his worried you are? Whenever you are worried tell him. He might not change but at least you can offload on him.
Your dcs will become closer to you and not feel a connection with their father, that is his doing. Look after yourself and make plans for yourself with your own friends and family, let your dh sort himself out.

I understand your frustration but I’m not clear what leaving offers you here - it will be lots of effort and cost (including emotionally) and at the end of it you still won’t have anyone to support you emotionally.

Can’t you fall back on your dsis and your friends, for emotional support?

I would stop making any effort at all to manage DH’s social interactions. Just organise things for yourself.

Sounds like there's some unhealthy dynamics in your relationship. He's become lazy and complacent but you also sound quite controlling.

@RainingZen yes you're right, I think I'm also angry with him? That's what's making me want to leave?

I think the fact I'm so emotionally drained, not sleeping and not feeling like I'm getting any support is making me angry.

I'd love h to arrange a meet up with DS, for me to know I'm not doing this alone,

It must make DS think he doesn't care.

@Roblox01 how am I controlling?

@Onlinedilema exactly, DS needs us both at the moment. They're maybe things he'd like to say to his dad that he doesn't to me and vice versus?

Do you get on as a couple ? Or have you slipped into housemate roles.
I hear you though very similar here and I would leave if we didn’t have young children including one with special needs.
Sometimes it takes a crisis to hold a mirror up to our situation then we see it a bit clearer I think.

[quote Sonone]@Roblox01 how am I controlling? [/quote]
I don’t think you’re in the slightest controlling, you’re force to lead on everything because your complacent DH won’t/can’t step up.
Mine is similar, I’ve long since given up expecting him to. He very rarely initiates contact with our son, or anyone else!
Friends-wise mine doesn’t have any really other than his brother who he texts occasionally and his BIL.
That’s his choice.

@Borderterrierpuppy yes we do actually get on as a couple. When there are not "problems" with outside pressure it's good.

Where I am so let down is when we have an issue or situation, he just withdraws completely, like nothing is happening.

I'm emotionally exhausted dealing with all the "difficulties".

If I do organise something and we go out, we have a great time. If friends organise and we go out, he has a great time.

Just will not ever take the emotional strain of life.

I'm the one that gets angry with him, because I feel unsupported and I suppose unappreciated.

Sorry you find yourself in a similar situation.

You are overthinking this. Just because your DH is not on the phone every day to his son, doesn't mean he doesn't care.

And if he choose to meet up with friend or not is not really up to you.

I must be missing something because neither of the examples you give seem that bad. A bit thoughtless perhaps? If your DS felt the need to chat to his Dad, he would ring him surely?

@YanTanTethera123 you've just hit the nail on the head!

He will not step up!

He's lost many friends and as I say the few he had got left, is because I've also bonded with them.

I know if I said once a week/month organise something he probably would, but I don't want to be constantly thinking for him.

If I said ring DS, he would, but again I'd be thinking for him.

As a fully capable adult and parent, he should do this stuff.

If this couple are now your friends too, see them yourself, contact them yourself. Leave him to contact them or not. If you maintain the friendship and he doesn't, it only reflects badly on him.
Keep in contact with those who are important to you, but don't bother trying to keep his relationships going. He's an adult and if he wants to be a lazy arse, let him.
Concentrate on yourself and your relationships and don't let his apathy stress you out - it's not your problem to solve.

@THisbackwithavengeance DS is in a very very bad place currently, he's not ringing anyone.

I've already covered off why I thought he should contact his friend.

I'm not overthinking, there are clearly lots more examples, my post was long enough with just two.

OP you come across as very anxious and stressed. You need to look after yourself. Stop worrying about your husband and his friendships. He’s an adult, leave him to it. In terms of your (adult?) son, I understand the concern you have for him and wanting to support him, however you also need to think about your own wellbeing. Can you offload to a close friend or family member instead? Also just out of interest, do you work?

Sorry you are going through this OP I can see how angry you are. Reading on MN this is a very common problem. Wife takes on everything including the social calendar. It sounds enormously draining on you. The only advise I can give you is stop all the arranging for you both. Stop monitoring him with getting him to see friends.....stop everything revolving around him and his life. Step in your own life and drop your husbands life. Build a life of your own within the marriage. Leave him be. One of my friends left her husband last week for similar problems. The only person her Husband has in this world is his son to talk to. My friend became exasperated with being the social secretary and mediator in her husbands life who just wouldn't engage at all with living. He became a hermit and was only interested in being home and doing nothing. My friend couldn't cope anymore. She wanted to live, go out, see people and enjoy herself. Not sit at home with a hermit who refused to live a life. So since leaving last week she has been away for a couple of days, seen friends, been to the cinema and feels like she has had a ten ton weight lifted from her. I saw her yesterday and she even looks 10 years younger as the stress of dealing with her man child had gone!