So disappointed with DH

[Sonone]

It's been like this for so long, I've tried talking to him, getting him to engage and it's all ignored.

My DH seems to be emotionally extremely lazy.

For example he never ever organises things with friends, unless I tell him too. An example a friend who lives close by was diagnosed with a serious life limiting illness, he's become disabled and has had to give up work. My DH work pattern means that he could go and visit easily during the day whilst the friend is home alone. He'd not organised anything (never ever does), I told him how I thought he should go and spend sometime with his friend. Just the two of them. He did it, both enjoyed, his friend said how great to have a visitor during the day, would love to do it again. DH never done it since (not due to Covid, it was before then). The friend can't drive now, so he's restricted with buses etc. His DW drives but works FT.

He never makes contact with friends, few now bother with him. I'm the one that people contact about meet ups, so my friends tend to be our friends now.

We have two DC, they are adult, I swear if I didn't arrange meet ups/invites etc he just would not bother. He only rings to talk to them if I tell him, he'll do it once and that's it! Consequently, any time they contact us, they contact me. Which is fine, but very sad.

DS is going through an extremely difficult patch, really bad, no job, relationship breakdown. I contact him everyday to make sure he's ok, have a chat etc.

DH has not contacted him once. I really think DS could do with hearing from his dad but no, as I've not told him to call he won't think of it.

I've got to the point where I'm emotionally drained as all through our relationship I've taken the caring and emotional role. I don't even tell him now about DS, my sister asked in front of DH how our son was and I was telling her. It of course as news also to DH as I'd not discussed my latest contact. He then says "you never said". No I didn't, you never ask, you never call him, you never listen to DS. If you're genuinely interested, show it!

He never organises anything (aside from we will have a row and I'll say I do all organising, entertainment, thinking about life stuff). He will then organise one thing and then it stops again.

I'm so worried about DS, I'm not sleeping, I'm stressed, I need some emotional support as does DS. He's had an awful time this week and DH has not contacted him once.

If DH would just arrange to meet DS, maybe have a drink and a chat and give him some time. He will gladly come along when I organise a meet, but never takes the lead.

I'm sick of him hiding behind me, he's so emotionally lazy, gets up goes to work, comes home and does the practical stuff but never the emotional stuff.

I feel DS and me are totally unsupported by DH, he just lives his life in his bubble.

I'm brewing to say something again, but it only works for the short term, so what's the point.

I feel so strongly about this, I'm considering a split, just to give me some time to think about what he's offering emotionally in our marriage.

So it seems like you're embarrassed he hasn't kept in touch with his sick friend and you're bothered by it because the guy and wife you consider to be your friends.

Well why don't you go round and spend a morning with the guy?!

I feel like you're kinda martyring yourself here although I would be frustrated at him not contacting your son.
Can your son come home for a bit?

Stop overthinking the building work
It might be fine, the neighbour may not make demands. You're just building up something when there's nothing. If the neighbour does say something, tell him NO and walk away.

I don't think you're controlling but you guys are in a classic co-dependent set up. It's how you roll. You complain about it but it's the set up you've created.

First up, he isn't going to change. But you can change. You can think about why it is so important to you whether or not he sees his friends. Genuine question, what does it matter to you whether he catches up with friends?

Consider too why you need him to parent differently. I mean, we all want better relationships but do you honestly believe he is about to change his ways? Does getting angry or disappointed make any difference at all to the dynamic? What do you get out of this drama?

You need to focus on what you can do for yourself, your children and your friends, and try to come to terms with the fact that your expectations are unrealistic. Once you accept how things are and what you can and cannot change, your life will feel a lot less complicated.

It sounds tough. It seems like many men let women organise all this.

I think that for now, telling him every day to contact your son, or whenever you feel he should, as long as he does that, then you can both support your son.

When things are better again, you can decide whether to stay or go.

I am not saying all men are like this because they're definitely not (my DH isn't, nor my brother or dad) but often men don't value friendships the way women do. So I'd let that go and keep up with the friends you want.

Re your son. Does your H have an avoidant attachment style? Maybe he just feels awkward about how to deal with another person's big issues, even, or especially, his son's. It may be too much for him to even contemplate and he is protecting himself from the anxiety by letting you deal with it.

To be honest, I do that sometimes. My DH can get very stressed about our DC's on/ off mental health issues. I find his stress (and frankly, his catastrophising) too much and have to pull away from him. It's not that I don't care, but I can't bear being pulled into his pit of stress/ anxiety etc and prefer to take a pragmatic approach. (After all, despite some crises, nothing truly awful has ever happened...yet, anyway).

Can you not just tell him what you'd like him to do re your son? Talk on the phone, go for a drink or whatever is practical. It's possible your son would "hold back" a bit with his father, so not overwhelm him with the issues, but still benefit from the contact?

@Tubbs99 I am very anxious and stressed, just reading those words has made me cry. I've been awake for hours and I so terribly worried for our DS, but my sister is a great support.

I do work FT, I do love my job, so that's good and helps keep me focused.

I'm off next week, so my sister and I are going to lunch on Monday. She's a good listener and understands the issues I have with DH. She also has contacted our DS with messages of support, she tried to call but he didn't answer.

@Horehound I'm not embarrassed he hasn't got in touch, I'm sad he hasn't. He has once but not since, it's a shame but it is ultimately up to him. I can't keep saying it.

I’m not saying it’s right but a lot of couples/families have the same dynamic. My mother used to put my father on the phone to me if she felt he hadn’t spoken to me for a while as he would never have called of his own accord. My exh rarely made an effort with friends but would go on a big night out if invited.

I do think you sound very stressed. You can’t make him visit a friend and if he doesn’t want to so what? Is it that much of a major deal that you would leave him for it?

I think it's a common problem with men, especially as they get older. They not only don't even consider interacting with friends, but don't do anything else which might affect their emotions. (I bet he doesn't go to the doctor/dentist either). My Exdp was the same, and then wondered why he had no friends. I don't know why you're letting it affect you so badly though. It really isn't your problem.

@Onelifeonly absolutely if I said ring DS, go out with DS he would..... but I can't keep doing this.

@Dillydollydingdong he's not emotionally supporting me and DS is my problem. I was just giving an example of his nature when talking about the friend.

I'm sad he doesn't keep in touch with that friend, because they're a lovely couple, the other friend he's lost along the way doesn't bother me.

This is not about his friends and losing them.

Glad you’re getting the support from your sister @Sonone. We can take on too much of the emotional baggage sometimes and just need to not sweat the small stuff. Easier said than done, I know.

Op, I understand your frustrations with your dh. It is difficult living with someone like that.

Having said that, you seem to be very stressed and anxious and taking on other peoples stress. I know you’re worried about your ds, but he is an adult. Be worried about him but not to the point it’s making you ill. I think you would benefit from speaking to someone so you can work through your feelings.

As for your dh, from what you’ve written, he seems like he’s fine with the way he is. It’s not your responsibility to manage his friendships and relationship with your dc. If he doesn’t want to see his friends, that’s on him. If he doesn’t speak to ds, that’s also on him. It is his relationship that will suffer, not yours. He may be happy with the way things are and, not matter how you feel about it, that’s up to him. You can’t micro manage his life.

If you’re really unhappy, you need to leave. Hoping your dh is going to change never ends well. Most people don’t. You just have to decide if you can live with him the way he is.

Tbh your DH sounds a lot like mine. If I arrange something, he will happily join in but never initiates anything. It used to really bother me and I would try to force him to arrange things, but now I have accepted that it is just the way he is. He doesn’t seem to need to see friends, so I just see my own.

He also doesn’t phone our 2 DC but I know he would do anything for them, and they know that too. I think I have finally accepted him as he is, rather than as I would like him to be.

[quote Sonone]@YanTanTethera123 you've just hit the nail on the head!

He will not step up!

He's lost many friends and as I say the few he had got left, is because I've also bonded with them.

I know if I said once a week/month organise something he probably would, but I don't want to be constantly thinking for him.

If I said ring DS, he would, but again I'd be thinking for him.

As a fully capable adult and parent, he should do this stuff. [/quote]
I absolutely agree!
I guess he also knows I will end up doing it but, to his cost, I certainly don’t get involved with anything that’s totally his responsibility like his car MOT/insurance!
I just carry on now and organise house stuff etc, it’s just not worth the hassle and stress trying to figure out whether he’ll do it in 5 minutes/weeks/months/years!

Don’t take on board the responsibility of your husband’s friendships. If you’re friends with them, arrange things for you but leave your husband to it. Regarding your son, tell your husband firmly what you would like him to do. You’ve not said he’s cruel or malicious, so a good talking to with the suggestion you present a united front to support your son may help him support you. Accept he’s not going to change into this proactive person-accept the man he is rather than what you’d like him to be and you may find you’re happier.

Side effect of depression? How is he in other areas of life?

I would leave him to it. You cannot micro manage his behaviour. He doesn't want to think about ringing people nor visiting them. Just ring your son, if he mentions he'd like to hear from dad then tell him so.

You've got to resist the urge to rescue him OP. If he doesn't value his relationships with other people you can't change this

I’d be very tempted to be extremely blunt and ask him - if a marriage is supposed to a partnership - what he thinks the point of him being in it is any more and see what he says.

Then give him a list of everything you do AND have to think about/organise and a similar one for him, on the same piece of paper as yours, right next to it. Yours will be 4times as long, I guarantee it.

Then tell him you are absolutely at the end of your rope WITH HIM and seriously considering leaving him because of his lack of care.

If that doesn’t smack him in the face then nothing will.

But I think you may have to face the fact that you’re living with someone who just doesn’t care that you will run yourself into the ground so that he doesn’t have to bother. Is that someone you want to grow old with?

I’m glad you have your sister to talk to but when it is something so personal as your own DC struggling you feel that your DH should want to discuss it with you and support them. My DH can be a little emotionally restrained and talking about sensitive issues does make him uncomfortable. Typically I talk to others, friends & family about things he doesn’t want to but when it comes to DC or very sensitive matters I do feel he should engage more. I suspect that this is what you’re struggling with. It’s nice to have your partner share in the worries.

My way of dealing with it is to minimise the discussions on minor trivia and offload to others but push through on the important things, this has helped a great deal. As others have said step away from his friendship issues but tell him how you feel about the DC. Stress to him you need some support both with your son and the tricky building work.

[quote Sonone]@MaMaD1990 I've definitely spelt it out, numerous times. It changes once, then it's back to the start again.

I've got a week from hell coming up, work being done on our property which is needed under a really strict timescale, very very difficult neighbour and builder needs to be organised to stop problems arising. I am going to have to deal with all the problems with neighbour, builder and timescales etc, he of course will make cups of tea. He's not even asked if the neighbour has made anymore "demands", because it doesn't occur to him, that I'm totally stressed with everything going on and him walking round without a worry in the world.

I'm awake at 3 every morning, my head spinning with worry and he is snoring next to me.

Maybe if he engaged with our DS, heard how low he is he might understand. But if you don't hear it, you can ignore it!

He probably wouldn't consider that I'd leave.

[/quote]
To be honest, I'd make good on your warnings to him if you've said "if you don't start making an effort consistently, I will leave you". The sooner said, the better and don't give him an inch. If he starts slipping back into his lazy ways, he then can't be surprised you've left him - even if it's just for a week to give you some space from him. After that, you'll need to think long term about what you want. It's not healthy for everything to fall on one person's shoulders, be it emotional and practical life issues. You're meant to be in a partnership and it's very one sided. I don't think you're being controlling at all, you're feeling the need to be the steam behind the train to make others feel better (your son, his friend etc).

OP I get it, I really do. I don't think he will change. Use other family for support in the short term. Look at all the stressful stuff you have taken on and work out if you can ditch any of it.

I'd also recommend counselling to work towards a separation. You are too young to keep on like this. How would he be if you were seriously ill?

You are using a lot of energy thinking about your DH and what he doesn't do, the resentment is draining any reserves you have and not allowing you to think straight and address issues in an organised manner. Please try and shed this weight and become focused on your own stuff and your son.

Completely remove any expectation of him doing anything, only do things that directly affect you. Ask your sister and other close friends to support you with your son. Make sure you have a support group around you that you can rely on.

You are not responsible for your DH's interactions and his lack of doing anything does not reflect on you (which I think you feel it does and therefore you feel 'bad').

As an aside, regarding the neighbour and the builder, if this is an issue with building works just make sure you builder does everythink properly and get him to manage the neighbour. It sounds a bit like you are trying to take everything on.

OP I'm sorry but you are not going to change this man. He doesn't need other people and their problems and the reason is because he doesn't care. He is emotionally unavailable. You are the only one who can change this situation. By changing yourself. Either accept him as he is and stop expecting him to deliver.
Accept you are the adult in the relationship and his is fucking useless.
Start to acknowledge that resentment and feeling unsupported kills marriages and its going to eventually kill yours.

OH is the same. It doesn't bother me as much as it does you because it's not my problem.

He has no real relationship with his family. His and their choice. His parents are even worse than he is.

He lost contact with most of his friends . His choice . Some I also knew and liked but not enough to put the work in . It's his problem.

And so on. There are three siblings and only one of them is emotionally literate enough. Him and his other siblings are limited to what's in front of them or is easy.

My only non negotiable is his relationship with DD , so he has to spend time with her, play with her, do things together,ask her about her day etc. He falls off the wagon sometimes because it doesn't come naturally to him so I remind him in no nonsense terms. He knows he's crap so I'm not pussyfooting around. She automatically seeks me for emotional support so him being useless is irrelevant. He does worry about her though and asks me what's going on.

You're not his mother,he's not your responsibility. If you can't accept how he is and learn to let go, it's best you separate. The frustration and resentment can turn very ugly and it's not worth it. You deserve better than managing a grown ass man and his relationships.