So disappointed with DH

[Sonone]

It's been like this for so long, I've tried talking to him, getting him to engage and it's all ignored.

My DH seems to be emotionally extremely lazy.

For example he never ever organises things with friends, unless I tell him too. An example a friend who lives close by was diagnosed with a serious life limiting illness, he's become disabled and has had to give up work. My DH work pattern means that he could go and visit easily during the day whilst the friend is home alone. He'd not organised anything (never ever does), I told him how I thought he should go and spend sometime with his friend. Just the two of them. He did it, both enjoyed, his friend said how great to have a visitor during the day, would love to do it again. DH never done it since (not due to Covid, it was before then). The friend can't drive now, so he's restricted with buses etc. His DW drives but works FT.

He never makes contact with friends, few now bother with him. I'm the one that people contact about meet ups, so my friends tend to be our friends now.

We have two DC, they are adult, I swear if I didn't arrange meet ups/invites etc he just would not bother. He only rings to talk to them if I tell him, he'll do it once and that's it! Consequently, any time they contact us, they contact me. Which is fine, but very sad.

DS is going through an extremely difficult patch, really bad, no job, relationship breakdown. I contact him everyday to make sure he's ok, have a chat etc.

DH has not contacted him once. I really think DS could do with hearing from his dad but no, as I've not told him to call he won't think of it.

I've got to the point where I'm emotionally drained as all through our relationship I've taken the caring and emotional role. I don't even tell him now about DS, my sister asked in front of DH how our son was and I was telling her. It of course as news also to DH as I'd not discussed my latest contact. He then says "you never said". No I didn't, you never ask, you never call him, you never listen to DS. If you're genuinely interested, show it!

He never organises anything (aside from we will have a row and I'll say I do all organising, entertainment, thinking about life stuff). He will then organise one thing and then it stops again.

I'm so worried about DS, I'm not sleeping, I'm stressed, I need some emotional support as does DS. He's had an awful time this week and DH has not contacted him once.

If DH would just arrange to meet DS, maybe have a drink and a chat and give him some time. He will gladly come along when I organise a meet, but never takes the lead.

I'm sick of him hiding behind me, he's so emotionally lazy, gets up goes to work, comes home and does the practical stuff but never the emotional stuff.

I feel DS and me are totally unsupported by DH, he just lives his life in his bubble.

I'm brewing to say something again, but it only works for the short term, so what's the point.

I feel so strongly about this, I'm considering a split, just to give me some time to think about what he's offering emotionally in our marriage.

In your current situation, I would go against my long term principles and just manage him for a week. Tell him: This week is hectic. I need you to ring DS every single day to check on him. Can you also please manage the neighbours complaints about the building work. I am doing everything else.

Then after the really pressured time has passed, I'd tell him you are thinking of leaving and exactly why.

It sounds slightly controlling because you are not accepting the way your DH is and you are trying to change him.

I don’t blame you, at all. It sounds like you carry the world on your shoulders but nagging and prodding DH to be a better person isn’t going to work, as you have discovered.

Sounds to me like you need to separate out the issues. Get the stuff with the house sorted and don’t take on additional work while you have so much on your plate.

Maintain your relationships with the people who matter to you and give you something back (sister etc).

As sad as it is, I think the only way you will find peace with this is to stop trying. Stop carrying his mental load. He is responsible for his relationship with his son. He is responsible for his relationship with his friends. If doesn’t want to put the effort in to maintain them, that’s his decision.

He will find out himself that’s a lonely existence and yes, he may lose his relationship with you in the process but that is his choice. Unless you have reason to think he depressed or suffering a decline in his mental health you need to leave him to it and stop letting this drain you further.

What was he like at the start of your relationship?

I would have a bloody good talk to him about this.
Ask him to imagine if you also checked out of all the emotional work in your marriage/life.
How does he think your son would cope with no emotional support from his parents at all and his life took a drastic downward spiral. How would he feel when he could have supported him but couldn't be bothered to even pick up the phone.
How would he feel if the building work goes tits up, the neighbour caused a lot of bother and the builder didn't follow through on all his promises because he couldn't be bothered to get involved with the project and he left it all to you but you decided to not bother sorting it either.
How would he feel if his lovely friend who was so happy he visited that one time suddenly passed away and he hadn't even bothered to do a return visit because he couldn't be bothered.
I would put it all to him bluntly and say if he doesn't make a long term, concerted effort to stop being such a lazy selfish git and start thinking of others rather than just himself and then you will be leaving.

My mum left my dad for this.
My dad later in life had a shit relationship with us. Made no effort. And had no friends.
But then he didn’t really want or need them.

It’s extremely depressing to be in a relationship with someone like that. Who you think just sees you as someone who’s around, but if you left they would just be MEH and go to work and watch corry.

But there is fuck all you can do about it. Really. That’s it. Leave and find your own happiness

I also agree with others
Read up on co dependence
And attachment styles

You have adult dc so you have been together a long time. Have you always been the organiser in the family? And the one to deal with emotional stuff?

You say he does the practical stuff, so he is involved. He’s not totally lazy.

It seems he’s not dancing to the same tune as you regarding supporting friends or family. However, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He may be more introverted, or not feel able to deal with their demands. Or it may be a simple case that it hadn’t occurred to him to visit his friend etc.

I understand where the OP is coming from with this.

It’s the apathy about people he’s supposed to care about. It leaves you wondering if he cares about you.

That sort of outlook on life was one of the things that gave me the ick about my ex husband. Emotionally retarded, and emotionally lazy. Doesn’t give a shit about anyone except himself, can’t even be bothered with his own kids. It’s massively unappealing.

OP, I could have written this, though we have a DD instead of a DS! I agree with RaisingZen that leaving doesn't really solve the problem, though it would for DD as long as she's living with me.

I also agree with several posters that there isn't much you can do with the emotionally stunted unless they're willing to do some therapy. I sprang for couples therapy for a while, but stopped it at a point where it felt like we'd at least regained some connection, but he wasn't "doing the homework" anyway, so little point in carrying on. I remind myself sometimes that him losing contact with people at least means I don't have to put up with the irritating ones (there were a few once)! My mum told me when I married that it was my job to be social secretary: the weirdest thing is though that, at that point, I would have said he was far more sociable than me, it's like we've reversed.

I agree your DH needs to step up regarding his son - if he’s going through a bad time, he might be able to offload himself to his df, and talk about things that he may not feel comfortable discussing with you. But I think the friends bit is a bit controlling. He clearly doesn’t feel he needs friends in his life. A lot of people are like this. They find friendships draining, especially if an introvert. Not everyone wants to be a social butterfly with lots of friends.

Why not start a divorce? Look at the agonising you’re doing over a man who openly doesn’t give a shit, when you could be enjoying life. The housing market is booming, get the ball rolling, quick.

I had a lazy ex. too.
Used to wait for me to organise his/our life together. I got fed up of always being the one to carry the daily admin burden. I think it’s purely selfish and lazy behaviour. Saying ‘I don’t mind’ all the time is copping out of taking responsibility.

Thankfully, I met my DH a couple of years after splitting up with ex and DH couldn’t be more different. I knew he was a keeper when he invited me on holiday with him and he organised an amazing trip to Borneo via Malaysia. Even when our main flight was delayed he sorted out a new connecting flight and we ended up with upgraded accommodation too. He buys all the gifts for his side of the family at Christmas without requiring any input from me.

It’s really great having someone who is a genuine partner to share stuff with.

OP, you’re not too old to start over.

Sounds a lot like my OH, he has no interest in other people’s lives but then when something happens on his side of his family he wonders why no one told him 🙈

Sympathies. To a certain extent DH is the same although not as bad. But often it's me telling him to contact his friends. Dh wants to retire early and I do think but will you stay in touch with people..
Dad is like your dh in that he'll never contact me, if I didn't call him we would have lost touch. In the past he has had to be told to visit a friend with a terminal illness.

I think its quite a common dynamic though. For men to rely on their wives to organise everything and keep things going.

To be fair a

For your DS, I think you do have to tell DH that he has to step up.
Of course you shouldn't have to, but as he won't think of it, you must.
Your DS is too important, to both of you, to let things drift on as they are.

If a kick up the bum gets DH to start & continue contacting DS that's great, but if he's not doing it you will have to remind him.

Try to get across to DH that the point is not that he never organises / gets in touch (because he does it when he's told).
The point is that he never thinks of organising / getting in touch and that makes it seem as if he doesn't care about others.

[quote Sonone]@Borderterrierpuppy yes we do actually get on as a couple. When there are not "problems" with outside pressure it's good.

Where I am so let down is when we have an issue or situation, he just withdraws completely, like nothing is happening.

I'm emotionally exhausted dealing with all the "difficulties".

If I do organise something and we go out, we have a great time. If friends organise and we go out, he has a great time.

Just will not ever take the emotional strain of life.

I'm the one that gets angry with him, because I feel unsupported and I suppose unappreciated.

Sorry you find yourself in a similar situation. [/quote]
Sounds as though he has given up because nothing he does is up to your standards.

You can't change other people, even a husband. Only your reaction to them.

He’s damaging his relationships with people but that’s his choice not yours

DH is exactly the same. If it doesn't involve his hobby (golf) or work, there's just a blank space in his head. I'm the one that our adult DC ring, I'm the one who remembers their birthdays/anniversaries/arranges all family get togethers. If it was left to DH, we'd never see or hear from them.

But I don't get stressed or upset by it - that's on him, not me. Once you have no expectations from someone, life is a lot simpler. Resentment and disappointment are bitter life companions

This is not an unusual situation as several female friends have told me that their DH or DP is the same as this. It's been going on so long that they have just got used to it and accepted that their DH/DP don't have any interest in maintaining friendships or organising meetups. The women provide the social energy in these partnerships. I recognise however that not everyone sees it this way and it may be a deal breaker for some.
Before taking any drastic decisions, I would look at the rest of your relationship with your DH and ask yourself whether it is worth maintaining for other reasons.

I am currently now without a similar man. His infidelity was the catalyst for wanting divorce but his behaviour regarding this had always been a problem. I felt it wasn't a good enough reason to leave though. But when you can not delegate or share the load of life , it really wears you down. I lost respect for him a long time ago and my attitude often reflected that.
Ironically , since he left, my life has been so much easier. The home has never looked better . I am twice the man he was !So I thought about what really did he bring to the relationship. He was no company for me , did not share responsibility for household stuff , and was also emotionally distant with the DCs . You life partner should be someone that you share life with , it's ups and downs.

I am sorry about your son . I too would be worried about mine in this case. Because we are emotionally invested , love our children and are distressed to see them hurting.

I hope your boy gets help to go through his current pain. And afterwards , maybe you need to think about what your husband actually brings to your life to enhance it.

@THisbackwithavengeance

You are overthinking this. Just because your DH is not on the phone every day to his son, doesn't mean he doesn't care.

And if he choose to meet up with friend or not is not really up to you.

I must be missing something because neither of the examples you give seem that bad. A bit thoughtless perhaps? If your DS felt the need to chat to his Dad, he would ring him surely?

I agree with this.

I also hesitantly say that you don't have to do all the things you are doing e.g. call your adult son everyday. You are choosing to do that, and if someone else chooses not to, that really is up to them. That is where the insinuation of controlling comes in.

@TheTuesdayPringle

I don't think you're controlling but you guys are in a classic co-dependent set up. It's how you roll. You complain about it but it's the set up you've created.

First up, he isn't going to change. But you can change. You can think about why it is so important to you whether or not he sees his friends. Genuine question, what does it matter to you whether he catches up with friends?

Consider too why you need him to parent differently. I mean, we all want better relationships but do you honestly believe he is about to change his ways? Does getting angry or disappointed make any difference at all to the dynamic? What do you get out of this drama?

You need to focus on what you can do for yourself, your children and your friends, and try to come to terms with the fact that your expectations are unrealistic. Once you accept how things are and what you can and cannot change, your life will feel a lot less complicated.

This.

It’d be worth examining how and when this dynamic was created. Your son might be the one to break it.

I do feel for you OP, it’s such a tough situation when adult children are experiencing life stresses....I know about this too well as I have an 18 and 20 YO both with serious mental health issues coming out of this Covid crisis.

It is amazing as you are amazing to support your son....keep doing it. He needs you and young people in particular can be in perilous mental health situations quickly..,so it IS serious. But I don’t think this should all fall on you. Supporting people with MH is exhausting and you are struggling. I would strongly encourage you to help your DS find professional counselling at least once a week. He could try IAPS via his GP or ask mental Heath services to refer him to a psychologist at Healios. He needs impartial and professional input as an adult to help himself move forward.
Your husband for all his faults clearly has his limitations and offering emotional support is a bit of a blank for him. Could he at least take your son out for a pint once a week, just try and be a friend and be there for him. He doesn’t actually need to be able to provide solutions to your son at all but he just needs to be able to listen and validate your sons feelings?

Hi OP
My husband is autistic and (well lots of other things too but thats another story!!) I am not suggesting your husband is but this is more of how I manage, I feel like reaching out to you because you are so stressed and upset and I get that but you are doing this to yourself and you need to stop, Please forgive me for being blunt but you are not in charge and you cannot fix and save everything,nor should you, Your husband may be sadly lacking in emotional matters but its him, He doesnt need organizing, Regardless of what you wish for him to be like he isn;t,Maybe he can;t, In my husbands case lack of support has been a big challenge to me too, He just doesn;t get it at all, He doesn;t get it, He never remembers birthdays,he is crap at friendships and maintaining family contact he is him. I have to say he is the most lovely person in my eyes, I accept him for how he is and he toddles along with life and so do i with mine,we rub along great but it took a while, My husband is so socially inept it was and i am ashamed to say embarrassing,I felt I had to make excuses for him for many years and you know what I was wrong, People accept him for how he is with no problems it was me expecting,demanding way more than he could provide, He works incredibly hard for us,he makes us feel very secure as a family and he is just lovely,He is loyal,faithful and open and it is what it is,I have support elsewhere when I need it from family and friends, He is black and white and sees things very differently to me, He is not entirely devoid of emotion but its so contained, We have a warm relationship but its private I hae no idea why,maybe he feels comfortable with me but no one else sees this. It is very hard when i see couples holding hands or openly expressing emotion or joy or anything cos publically I dont have that. If he sees friends he hasnt seen for years,weeks,months he doesnt compute an absence he falls right back in as though he hasnt been away and people do accept this and its ok, He cannot cope with any of the kids being ill or needing comfort,they dont hate him or feel any ill towards him and I have grown up kids so they are very outspoken and honest when I asked them,he is just dad and they love him, He is practical way more than emotional and they love that,He finds solutions to problems immediately and does not get confused or worried or bogged down with emotion,its his way,He is totally transparent and black and white, I would suggest your husband is slightly similar,not autistic but sort of non emotional.Its down to you whether you can live and accept it,You have to be exceptionally strong in yourself and it is challenging,You can have a lovely,wonderful, relationship but sometimes its very hard. Practically,financially etc my husband would do anything for us but emotionally not a thing! His solution and I have just asked him as to how he would deal with your issue of you being upset on behalf of your sons issue was he needs a break,tell him to get away with his friends for a few days and then restart it and get on with life, Mine would be more like yours,,reach out offer support and a listening ear be there to offer cuddles and comfort and warmth and compassion,,,,this is just a comparrison to show you how different he sees things compared to me Two totally different approaches,He cares enough to offer a practical stratergy but totally different from my response,But is he wrong and am I wrong or is there middle ground to be found? ,I hope you get what I am trying to say from my ridiculously long rambling post,