DH making me cry. Am I just being hormonal?

[popperyes]

I'm pregnant again after losing our DD to neonatal death in January.

Had some light bleeding early on so early pregnancy saw me. HcG more than doubled in 48 hours. Scan the following week confirmed what I thought originally - It's twins.

I usually start feeling God awful tired and sick around 6.5/7 weeks. This time I've been horrendously tired and emotional since week 5. Not quite 6 weeks yet and the nausea has begun.

DH insists I don't tell anyone about this pregnancy until 12 weeks, so I'm going around feeling like death but can't say anything and have to pretend. I'm so tired I can hardly see straight. My body aches. I feel run down

H is insisting I improve my diet and eat more nutritious foods, ensure I'm drinking more than enough water, etc etc. He thinks it'll give me a better chance of this pregnancy being successful (lots of loss before DD too). But it's hard. I just feel like crap

Said to H this evening I'm going to Asda for some lollies, I feel really sick. He said you're 5 minutes pregnant aren't you being a bit silly? I said early pregnancy is the most awful.. it's really hard. For some reason even harder earlier on this time. He sighed and said alright then. I ended up getting emotional, saying I feel unsupported by him. Said I was disappointed. He said 'oh no, don't be disappointed' in a sarcastic voice.

Came back and he asked what lollies I got. Then said he wanted one. Brought him one and he said this isn't enough, I need at least 2 to start with!

I said please don't eat them all, I'm very sick and they help the nausea. He made a 'shrug' face of maybe I will, maybe I won't. I then lost it and started crying, saying how could he do this, you're going to sit there eating them all aren't you?! He said I didn't say that.

I said I feel so unwell and he's being shit. I couldn't help myself and burst into tears. Went upstairs. Not a peep from him.

If someone I loved was crying like that, hormonal or not, i would check they're okay. But it's like it's just not a concern

We have an autistic son that gets up at the crack of dawn, but usually we take turns getting up. Except on his day to get up, he usually takes forever to accept he needs to get up! And what's more, if it's an awful start, I have him all day most of the time, unless he's at nursery. He's very high needs. He just doesn't seem to get the extent of how hard it is right now because of this pregnancy

I feel like I don't want to be pregnant. I feel unsupported and dismissed as a drama Queen. All I do is worry the pregnancy is safe whilst simultaneously feeling like I'm dying from being so unwell due to the hormones. It's very hard.

Oh, I'm sorry he's being like that. He's being horrible. Is he normally as unkind and sarcastic toward you or has it started since you found out you were pregnant?

I could possibly see that the diet and not telling anyone is a reaction to previous losses that he isn't handling well. But the nastiness about you feeling unwell and the lack of help with your DS isn't on.

I just feel he is being very thoughtless. No sympathy for me at all with regards to pregnancy sickness or fatigue. It's something else this time, it's very very hard

I just want a bit of understanding that's all I ask

Do you think ignoring your pregnancy is his way of dealing with loss? If he's otherwise been great and this has come out of nowhere then this might be him hiding from his grief, or trying to 'fix' the grief - ie thinking he has the ability to prevent another loss (insisting on you eating healthy, not allowing you to tell anyone about your pregnancy).

But, from what you say about his 'help' with your DS his help is only reluctantly given.

And him not 'allowing' you to tell anyone about your pregnancy, who the hell does he think he is? He can prefer something, certainly, but he doesn't get to 'allow' you to do anything! Especially if he's not being supportive, you need to be able to get support from someone else.

Yes, I think you should find a trustworthy person to talk to who will understand that you don't want to tell anyone else yet. I would tell your DH that you need to talk to someone supportive and that you will speak to x person about it all.

You are not overreacting... this needs sorting out. He cannot disrespect you like this, pregnant or not. He’s knowingly pushing your buttons and then gaslighting you when you call him out on it.

Is this behaviour out of character for him?

If you find it hard to speak with him about it without tearing up I’d suggest writing it down and giving it to him. You have to make it clear to him that these micro aggressions will not be tolerated. To be honest he sounds a little childish. Sort of things a sulky teen would do before they learnt how to properly communicate their issues respectfully.

This is really sad. I'd be upset too, you're not just hormonal. My husband would have gone to Asda to get me lollies. I don't know what else to say. At best, he's grieving badly for his children he has lost. At worse he's a fucking prick. Only you know which is true and can decide how to move forward.

I don't think he is frightened of another loss, he just wants to prevent it.

When DD died, and the DD before that, his brother who had been through similar messaged him. Said he knew how horrendous and heartbreaking it was, he was there any time to talk. He was so so sorry, etc etc. H replied thank you for being there for me, but honestly I don't feel like that. I feel okay

He never was really emotionally upset by any of it. Never had been. Was always very strange feeling like the only person grieving their child. He went through the motions at the funeral etc but he was not heartbroken. He felt similar when his dad died. And his Nan. He's quite detached

Strange because he's generally very lovey dovey

@Blackbird2020

You are not overreacting... this needs sorting out. He cannot disrespect you like this, pregnant or not. He’s knowingly pushing your buttons and then gaslighting you when you call him out on it.

Is this behaviour out of character for him?

If you find it hard to speak with him about it without tearing up I’d suggest writing it down and giving it to him. You have to make it clear to him that these micro aggressions will not be tolerated. To be honest he sounds a little childish. Sort of things a sulky teen would do before they learnt how to properly communicate their issues respectfully.

He likes to wind people up. His family, don't think he does it to friends.

The thing is, I'm not crying when I start speaking to him because I'm originally upset. It's because I feel gas lighted or like he's making light of what I'm saying/not really listening. I'm getting frustrated then I come off as the crazy one as I'm the one crying or speaking in a high pitched voice

When you get frustrated, remember that path, the one that leads to you coming off badly in the situation, and TAKE THE OTHER PATH! You can do it! Stand your ground, respectfully and calmly, and keep your head clear. Easier said than done but if you don’t want to be part of his games, you don’t have to be.

If you feel that you're going to cry or get too high pitched, you could try walking away and saying that you'll carry on with the conversation later. Give yourself a chance to take a breath or two, cold water on your face or whatever helps. Then try again.

What does he do to support you? Does he cook nutritious meals? Research supplements? Make you refreshing drinks? Unburden your stress?

Or does he just put it all on you?

Also, I’m going to assume he isn’t ripped and not eating the healthiest diet possible.

How near are your family? Personally I would just tell him you need support, you fee, awful and as he is not prepared to do anything you are telling your family so they can help

I had twins - I felt so so tired in the first few weeks but the tiredness got better quickly. The sickness stayed for ages unfort and I also found sugar and chocolate helped!

He sounds emotionally very immature and avoidant. He is dismissing your feelings and probably his own too. Yes you may be being quite sensitive but it's bloody fair enough considering what you've been through! If you had more time for yourself you'd probably feel better but he's not helping with that. I would try and find someone else to talk too.

To talk TO.

He seems to have a lot of opinions and is doing a lot of insisting.
You need someone on side. Is there a close friend or family member you can rely on to be discreet and supportive?
I'm not excusing his behaviour, but I have a friend who's husband turned into an absolute pig after a traumatic incident. He was vile and emotionally constipated, but it turned out he was suffering from PTSD.

I'm so sorry Op, that sounds awful. He is being shit.
You have it really tough with the sickness and your son's special needs and all the losses you've been through before.
You need support and comfort and he needs to be better at that.
I hope it gets better.

My dh would have got the lollies and anything else needed. Maybe he is afraid of another loss. However you need a heart to heart about how you are feeling.
Please take good care of yourself.

I agree that maybe this is his way with dealing with previous losses, but he's still being a knob.

Perhaps he doesn't realise how awful the all day nausea is? I still remember that (long) period of crying and eating fruit pastel lollies. Does he ever drink alcohol? Maybe if you equated it to having an all day hangover all the time he might understand better.

If my DP said "aren't you being a bit silly?" in that way about anything I would totally lose it with him.

Yours sounds awful tbh.

He's being utterly awful. I honestly can't imagine being so dismissed and then treated so nastily and without any regard.

He sounds like a deeply unpleasant nasty piece of work and I would be very concerned about you being treated so unkindly by him and pregnant.

I think you should look for support and protect yourself from him.

Very nasty.

Please tell someone about the pregnancy today. He doesn’t get to decide you can’t tell anyone and he won’t support you. You deserve to be supported. He is being very unkind, and I would be very upset in your position.

Trust your gut instincts. He's a bit of a cockwomble, isn't he.