DH making me cry. Am I just being hormonal?

[popperyes]

I'm pregnant again after losing our DD to neonatal death in January.

Had some light bleeding early on so early pregnancy saw me. HcG more than doubled in 48 hours. Scan the following week confirmed what I thought originally - It's twins.

I usually start feeling God awful tired and sick around 6.5/7 weeks. This time I've been horrendously tired and emotional since week 5. Not quite 6 weeks yet and the nausea has begun.

DH insists I don't tell anyone about this pregnancy until 12 weeks, so I'm going around feeling like death but can't say anything and have to pretend. I'm so tired I can hardly see straight. My body aches. I feel run down

H is insisting I improve my diet and eat more nutritious foods, ensure I'm drinking more than enough water, etc etc. He thinks it'll give me a better chance of this pregnancy being successful (lots of loss before DD too). But it's hard. I just feel like crap

Said to H this evening I'm going to Asda for some lollies, I feel really sick. He said you're 5 minutes pregnant aren't you being a bit silly? I said early pregnancy is the most awful.. it's really hard. For some reason even harder earlier on this time. He sighed and said alright then. I ended up getting emotional, saying I feel unsupported by him. Said I was disappointed. He said 'oh no, don't be disappointed' in a sarcastic voice.

Came back and he asked what lollies I got. Then said he wanted one. Brought him one and he said this isn't enough, I need at least 2 to start with!

I said please don't eat them all, I'm very sick and they help the nausea. He made a 'shrug' face of maybe I will, maybe I won't. I then lost it and started crying, saying how could he do this, you're going to sit there eating them all aren't you?! He said I didn't say that.

I said I feel so unwell and he's being shit. I couldn't help myself and burst into tears. Went upstairs. Not a peep from him.

If someone I loved was crying like that, hormonal or not, i would check they're okay. But it's like it's just not a concern

We have an autistic son that gets up at the crack of dawn, but usually we take turns getting up. Except on his day to get up, he usually takes forever to accept he needs to get up! And what's more, if it's an awful start, I have him all day most of the time, unless he's at nursery. He's very high needs. He just doesn't seem to get the extent of how hard it is right now because of this pregnancy

I feel like I don't want to be pregnant. I feel unsupported and dismissed as a drama Queen. All I do is worry the pregnancy is safe whilst simultaneously feeling like I'm dying from being so unwell due to the hormones. It's very hard.

I agree op, there is absolutely no point even discussing how you feel with him. He doesn't care does he? He just mocks you and is cruel to you and this is the true him.

Look up narcissistic sociopathic behaviour op and see if it resonates.

Have you had counselling after your losses? Has he?

He sounds like a dreadful person to be having (more) children with. In most circumstances I'd be suggesting you thought about your options re pregnancy but that's unlikely to be appropriate here. But I do think you need to consider if / how you want to raise your son and the new baby/babies alone?

It's very hard to pinpoint if he's actually got a narc profile or not

He has never name called
Definitely no need for excessive attention or attention by people at all really. Keeps a small circle of friends he's had years. People like him a lot and find him helpful and nice
He's vegetarian, absolutely upset by poor treatment of animals etc so not a case of no empathy
No inability to communicate or work as part of a team. Good team player
Doesn't have an inflated sense of self importance (although does think he's often more deserving to lay in but he's often right) - This is because I often sleep when DS is at nursery from 9am to 5pm, 3 days a week
Doesn't put me down in front of others but can be critical, as am I

My god he sounds utterly horrible, your posts gave me shivers OP because I remember that feeling of vulnerability when pregnant and the frustration of being with someone who isn't supporting you and taking care of you. He is actively seeking to upset you when you are feeling rough and tired, what kind of arsehole does that?

So he loves animals, is a good team player, can be perfectly nice to other people when he wants to, but he’s pretty damn unpleasant to you. What does that say about him?

He sounds like a bullying arsehole to me. And he doesn’t get to decide who you inform about your pregnancy. It’s your body and you can tell the whole world if you want to. You need to get some RL support, because he isn’t providing any. Don’t ask him, just do it.

Thank you

I did tell my SIL yesterday. I told him I was going to. He said I'd rather you didn't, but no further protest.

Feels a relief that someone knows

Does it matter if he’s a narc or not? It also doesn’t matter if others like him & find him nice & helpful. He isn’t being kind or considerate to you & you are meant to be the person he cares for most.

Get some support from others. He shouldn’t dictate or insist who you tell while you are feeling so grim. I would be having a long hard think about staying with him because he sounds truly horrible. I hope your sickness is very temporary & you feel better soon. 💐

Bless you OP. My twins are autistic so i know how hard that is, and early twin pregnancy is fucking brutal. I could barely lift my head and the nausea was hideous.

One thing I would say - make sure you’re taking high dose vitamin D and folic acid 5mg (you’ll need a prescription). As well as a multivitamin. You can get a high dose vitamin D plus K2 spray from Better4U online. The pregnancy depleted my body completely of nutrients and I still have deficiencies, and have now read studies linking those deficiencies in pregnancy as potentially a factor in autism too. Plus you’ll feel rubbish if you’re deficient.

I hope this phase passes soon - if it helps I felt amazing in my second trimester!

He's horrible.
Just so you know.

Does he ever dish out this treatment to you in front of other people.

I think he thinks that because I'm not vomiting yet, it can't be that bad, plus in his mind too, I'm only 5 minutes pregnant

Thing is, the nausea is worse than vomiting a lot of the time. I had HG sickness with my son and the vomiting provided so temporary relief

I sent DS down to H this morning so I could catch another hour sleep. He isn't at nursery today and it's so full on, so I need to be rested properly as I just feel so awful. I said put some peppa on, it'll keep him quiet for quite a while. H was on the sofa sleeping and said can't you do it please, so I tried to find the remote but couldn't. I didn't last have it. H did. I went to bed early last night because I was unwell

I turned the light on and he's saying for fuck sake! Turn it off. So I couldn't find it. And said you'll have to do it then. Don't think he did for a while because I went upstairs to bed and no telly was heard, just DS messing around with bits I could hear weren't for him to be touching!

So couldn't really sleep. Finally nodded off and woke to hearing DH muttering about shut up under his breath. DS making
His usual racket. As he does and is normal for him

Confronted him this morning about him saying all this crap, and that it wasn't fair. And wasn't fair that I have to come down to sort things out with the telly. He was going on about how I simply can't keep getting him to his DS in the morning if he's working, it can't go on

I said you have to take turns. It's the only way doable otherwise it's just not workable. He said not whilst I'm at work.

I said something about xyz and he explicitly told me 'I don't care'

He is usually quite good as does his bit. Seems that since I've got pregnant again, his behaviour is awful

Which leaves me in a really shitty situation and I'm so cross. If I leave him I can't cope with twins and DS. I will have to consider terminating which leaves me absolutely fuming. It's an awful position to be put in

Some may think he doesn't do much anyway but for the bits he does do, it is a big help. And he's usually a very tidy and clean person to live with which is nice. Does his bit there etc

Take all that away and then add twins on top... I can't

Narcissists can have empathy for animals...just usually not so much for people. They are also perfectly fine at communication...? Sometimes they are excellent at it. They can do team work. I've known a few that have no inflated sense of self importance too. They're called they're narcissists. Probably more covert narcissists out there than the standard overt ones.

Does he like to wind you up? Does he gaslight you? (Eg: do or say something and then the next minute, deny doing so). Does he triangulate you with other people or things? (Eg: talk about a woman on tv or ex gf in some way that makes you feel either compared to them or 'not enough' for him).

Does he have a habbit of spoiling things when you are happy or at peace? Or creating drama at family events or special occasions like christmas? Does he try to put a wedge between you and people who support you? Does he cancel or complain through things you really want to do?

Does he constantly bang on about things not being done the right (his) way? Does he find ways to make you feel oversensituve, stupid or like you're going mad? Does he do a smiley sort of sneer when you are upset/stressed/hurting or have failed at something?

And, the big tell tale, do you ever find yourself trying to explain to him why his obviously hurtful/horrible behaviour is so hurtful and horrible? In the hope that if he just 'understood', if you could just find your right words, he would stop? (And only to be met with a blank stare or a comment about how it's your issue somehow).

Any of the above and you could be dealing with a covert narcissist. Although, your initial example of nasty behaviour already clinches that for me. Not to say he couldn't just be a straight up psychopath of course.

*they're called 'covert narcissists'

Your husband is an arsehole. I’m not sure what about him you find attractive.

Does he like to wind you up? Does he gaslight you? (Eg: do or say something and then the next minute, deny doing so).

He likes to wind people up, but especially me. I suppose because I live with him

Does he have a habbit of spoiling things when you are happy or at peace? Or creating drama at family events or special occasions like christmas?

No. He absolutely dislikes drama and people making a show

Eg: talk about a woman on tv or ex gf in some way that makes you feel either compared to them or 'not enough' for him).

No. Never puts my looks down at all, always full of compliments and telling me I'm gorgeous etc etc

Does he do a smiley sort of sneer when you are upset/stressed/hurting or have failed at something

No, can't think of an example where he has. When I finally passed my driving test, he was thrilled for me. I took 7 attempts he was brilliant at those times too and assured me it didn't matter, I'd pass soon enough, it can be difficult, don't worry at all etc etc

Deliberately winding someone up to upset them is abusive in my opinion.

OP, he sounds like a really nasty, pig of a man.

If you think life is hard now, you have absolutely NO idea how difficult twins are.

Add in a nasty partner and you are one stuck woman who will be completely at his mercy.

I would be thinking long and very hard about what value you put on your life because he has shown you who he is and how little he cares for you and your child.

Two extra babies will quadruple the pressure you are under for years.

My answers there are why I'm so confused and annoyed that he's acting this way

Because he is characteristically a nice person. I've always felt supported and understood by him. We have similar values etc

But it seems he's being a right shit and selfish in this pregnancy. I want to know why, I feel so frustrated

Most of the time, it is easy to spot the narcissist in the room. They are the ones who are working the crowd, loudly sharing fabulous stories that convey a sense of importance and accomplishment so that they can feel admired. Someone behaving like this tends to send out a clear signal to those around them that they are not approachable or compassionate

This sounds nothing like H (from an article I'm reading about narcs)

The covert narcissist will be much more likely to constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, looking for others to feed that same need for self-importance.

This doesn't sound like H. He's a grade a prick at the moment but he's never been like this

Rather than explicitly telling you that you're not important, they might stand you up on a date, wait until the last minute to respond to texts or emails, always show up late for events with you, or never make confirmed plans with you at all. There is no regard for your time or interests, leaving you feeling small, unimportant, and irrelevant.

Definitely not H. He is very good at time keeping. But he has suggested he 'might' attend a visit to see my family then said no, but always giving notice. He usually says an outright no. Because he claims he wants to relax at the weekend. It is often difficult to get him to come to family stuff or even days out with DS. I'm often the only one doing it, but he says it's because he's anxious (he does suffer with bad anxiety), or that he really doesn't feel like it

If they can get you to question your perceptions, then this allows them the opportunity to manipulate and exploit you more.

Yes, this rings true

By the sounds of it OP, he’s not a narcissist, he’s selfish. He’s nice to you when it’s easy for him to be, and that’s not okay.

You don't need to diagnose him OP. His behaviour towards you is terrible even if there is an understandable reason behind it

Narc or not, he's certainly behaving like an arsehole at the moment

He doesn't want you to have emotional support from family or friends at the moment (not allowed to tell anyone) - but won't emotionally support you himself

Wants you to improve your diet - but won't help you with your nausea

Wants you to take care of yourself - but won't do his fair share with your dc so you can get the additional rest you need.
Makes you stressed and anxious on purpose which again is not good during pregnancy

Sounds like a prize prick to me