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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HOW DID YOU CATCH CHEATING

103 replies

friedeggsandchips · 22/06/2021 15:26

Partner still in contact with ow almost previously!
Want to find out if anything going on still.
Ideas please?

OP posts:
blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 13:54

@Pixie1771

You have lost you. And you will be so lost in a .minute it won't be retrievable. Your not doing yourself any favours, sorry don't mean to sound harsh but thinking of trackers and pics over a couple of maybes in my mind is bonkers. No wonder he lies about who he's meeting. I don't think he would still be there if he meant those things he said....he said it in the heat of the moment I suspect. I could be wrong.....but you can't spend your life getting like this. If it falls apart and you end up.uoset again so what...you're not happy now so what's the difference. Give it a go for your own self worth, like you say your lost at the moment but only you can change that. You can't question everything he says or does , it will drive you both mad. Come on you can do it
I will try to do what you advise as got nothing to lose. Feel bad anyway so it's worth a go.
blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 13:57

[quote Thinkthin3]@blueleavesinjuly I totally get what you're feeling. Your reality was shattered. I expect there are moments that you just desperately want to go back to before, but that's impossible, and you're too scared to fully commit, to let go, be carefree, be happy with him, love him again, etc. because there is the risk that you'll be hurt again.
I do wonder if the only way through this is to become harder and more selfish. But that's probably not what you want to happen, is it?[/quote]
I am going to let go and be me again. It will be hard but don't feel good doing all this checking anyway.
Just will give it my all, be cheerful etc and see where things go. If he then decides I'm not for him in future at least I can hold my head high and know I tried my best for our marriage.

blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 13:59

@Onthedunes

He told you he wasn't attracted to you and had a roving eye ?

What a bastard, he wanted to scare you to continue his friendship. He clearly gave it his best shot at charming this woman and it didn't work, after 5 days he realised and wanted normality to return.

But it's not normal now is it ? you can never un hear those words, no wonder your confidence is on the floor.
Are you still intimate with him? I would tell him I no longer can have sex as he has battered your confidence to such a degree you can't let go.

He's controlling you, until you stand up for yourself he will stamp all over you, the power in the relationship is totally un balanced and you are suffering.

He is not a kind man, in fact he has shown a complete lack of kindness.
If it were me I would stop everything you do for him, in the home, if you work together, that too , he needs to understand your worth and so do you.

I think you do not know your own worth in this relationship, until you are willing to test that, this cunt will continue to hurt you.

He sounds narcisistic.

I am not annoyed with you, far from it, but what I'd like to say to your husband. Angry

Thanks for support everyone
Pixie1771 · 23/06/2021 14:27

You're welcome but don't keep going over it all...its not good for you. See what happens, try and live a bit. Get out and about. Remember the saying....tomorrow's is the first day of the rest if your life.

blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 14:29

@Onthedunes

Oh, just seen 30 years plus together.

How did he explain the taking someone to the pictures away, that's pretty hard to cover as anything other than friendship.

Get a PI, after over 30 years he owes you that however much it costs.
They are very discreet, I've known people who have used them.
I think they also gave other pointers once employed which they don't advertise.

Re cinema incident 2008 I think he said work colleague asked him. It was a longer story but bullshit one but I let go as children young, his dad had died that year, out of character for him. And he never said he wanted to leave or any of the horrible things he said two years ago. Then nothing till this situation which I need to bury or leave. So going to try and bury for my sanity sake. Somehow get my old self back. Hard when you're not as young etc if you know what I mean. I'm not a glamorous 20 year old anymore 😂
blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 14:30

@Pixie1771

You're welcome but don't keep going over it all...its not good for you. See what happens, try and live a bit. Get out and about. Remember the saying....tomorrow's is the first day of the rest if your life.
Thanks your positivity has really helped me to think differently.
Franklyfrost · 23/06/2021 14:48

I can’t tell if you are paranoid or your partner has been having an affair for a decade.

If they’re meeting regularly then pay a PI for the evening to follow them to the restaurant and after.

I think it would help you to image having a good life without him, even if he’s not cheating. Does this feel like good relationship that gives you what you need? Do you feel loved? You do love him but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s for the best to stay in the relationship.

Pixie1771 · 23/06/2021 15:10

Great, don't drift back in to old habits, it can be all consuming.
Like others have said, I don't know whether he has been up to something. But you probably won't get the answer. I definitely feel you are suffering paranoia...so let it be and get out if the rut you're in. Its not helping you. Good luck x

blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 15:17

@Franklyfrost

I can’t tell if you are paranoid or your partner has been having an affair for a decade.

If they’re meeting regularly then pay a PI for the evening to follow them to the restaurant and after.

I think it would help you to image having a good life without him, even if he’s not cheating. Does this feel like good relationship that gives you what you need? Do you feel loved? You do love him but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s for the best to stay in the relationship.

He didn't know this lady when he went to cinema as wasn't in same job. I do love him a lot and been together along time. Not paranoid reference if you read back what happened but have become paranoid since then and need to stop that as making me ill and pathetic which I'm not. I going to do what another person said and give it all, live my life and try hard not to worry anymore as life too short. I'm going arrange more with my friends too and not always be waiting to see what he's doing first. Don't feel good now so changing my negativity into positive thoughts is only going to be a good thing no matter what. I do want to stay with him and will do everything to enable that but also get some more of my own interests/hobbies like I used to.
Pixie1771 · 23/06/2021 15:19

Couldn't have put it better myself....yes get yourself a life and I'm sure he will notice the difference too. Good on you

Franklyfrost · 23/06/2021 15:21

But going to the cinema isn’t cheating? Unless it’s slang for something…

blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 15:33

@Franklyfrost

But going to the cinema isn’t cheating? Unless it’s slang for something…
It is if it's hidden. Why hide it? People don't normally go to cinema with someone else and say they are at work. I don't get where you're coming from.
blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 15:38

I haven't got a problem with people having their own hobbies and friends.
It's the lying I don't like but certainly reading different views is making me think about how I am in my life.

Franklyfrost · 23/06/2021 15:54

The lying would freak me out too.

But the thing is either he lied because he knew you would have a problem with it despite it being innocent (so he habitually withheld details of his life from you) or this was just the tip of the iceberg and he went to the cinema with his regular girlfriend (which I’d be inclined to think was the case give the awful things he said to you when found out). Neither is a sign of you being a happy couple.

I can see why you want to definitively find out the truth but even if he has been faithful there’s still a lot of work to be done.

Blueskytoday06 · 23/06/2021 15:56

Tbh if you don't trust just get out. You can't live a life this. Him sneaking around, you trying to catch him out, wondering where he is etc etc the list goes. Just end it.

blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 16:15

@Franklyfrost

The lying would freak me out too.

But the thing is either he lied because he knew you would have a problem with it despite it being innocent (so he habitually withheld details of his life from you) or this was just the tip of the iceberg and he went to the cinema with his regular girlfriend (which I’d be inclined to think was the case give the awful things he said to you when found out). Neither is a sign of you being a happy couple.

I can see why you want to definitively find out the truth but even if he has been faithful there’s still a lot of work to be done.

Definitely a lot of work to be done.
blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 16:17

@Blueskytoday06

Tbh if you don't trust just get out. You can't live a life this. Him sneaking around, you trying to catch him out, wondering where he is etc etc the list goes. Just end it.
Head says one thing and heart another. If I was reading all this about someone else I would say end it but when it's me it's a different story.
Blueskytoday06 · 23/06/2021 16:20

I know, I've been there and it ended miserably by him. If I had my time again I'd haven taken control and stopped being such a pathetic pushover. But like you say heart and head. What we should do and what we do are usually very different.

blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 17:54

@Blueskytoday06

I know, I've been there and it ended miserably by him. If I had my time again I'd haven taken control and stopped being such a pathetic pushover. But like you say heart and head. What we should do and what we do are usually very different.
Yes especially when you love someone and invested most of adult life with them and got children
blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 17:59

@Blueskytoday06

I know, I've been there and it ended miserably by him. If I had my time again I'd haven taken control and stopped being such a pathetic pushover. But like you say heart and head. What we should do and what we do are usually very different.
Are you happy now?
Blueskytoday06 · 23/06/2021 18:06

Definitely. 100%. more than I thought possible. He was abusive (mentally). I'd never have left him (stupidly). I am thankful he left.

omgthepain · 23/06/2021 18:37

@friedeggsandchips

My first question would be - why on earth are you with a man who's cheated on you with another woman????

Have some respect and leave him (and her from the sounds of it) to get on with it and move on

You deserve better
Leopards never change their spots and staying with him is giving him the ok to cheat again (or just continue cheating) as you didn't leave when you found out

mrsstyles · 23/06/2021 19:23

Let your phone run out of battery.
Get a family member/friend to call you on his phone and say they couldn't get you on yours and it's urgent
Leave the room to talk to them
Go and sit in another room and 'chat' but once the call is live the phone may be unlocked and you can look?

Think this only works on certain phone types tho and you'd need to have an excuse ready for why they needed to get you urgently

Hen2018 · 23/06/2021 19:40

  1. Found out through FB (we were still FB friends) that he’d moved in with another woman. 8 days after he left me.

  2. Popped round to drop something at his house and saw through the window that he’d moved his ex wife back in. That nearly killed me.

  3. His 10 year old son gave the game away.

  4. I received a message intended for the other woman.

blueleavesinjuly · 23/06/2021 19:52

@Hen2018

1) Found out through FB (we were still FB friends) that he’d moved in with another woman. 8 days after he left me.

  1. Popped round to drop something at his house and saw through the window that he’d moved his ex wife back in. That nearly killed me.

  2. His 10 year old son gave the game away.

  3. I received a message intended for the other woman.

Sorry to hear this. He treated you very badly. I can't understand people sometimes.