HOW DID YOU CATCH CHEATING

[friedeggsandchips]

Partner still in contact with ow almost previously!
Want to find out if anything going on still.
Ideas please?

How much is a private detective

A PI to follow him you mean? Are you in England? If the South East, say, you'd probably need to spend £1k minimum and you might get some results from a couple of days surveillance? Is he out and about a lot, or does he go to one workplace?

This is what I would do:

Go to a website that offers free text messaging. I think the one I used was cbfsms but I have a feeling it's restricted to USA only now. Just Google UK free text messaging site.
Write a txt saying something like "hi (your husband's name) I'm about to tell your name what's going on between you and OW name.
Send it whilst he's in the room with you and see if panic comes over him! These are anonymous and they can't reply. Clear your history.

You could also send one to yourself ten mins later, posing as the whistleblower and that could be your reason to ask him why you'd be sent a txt like that and based on history you want to see his phone. His reaction and action will tell you all you need to know.

Or

Accept there is no trust and just dump him

Another thing I did was checked his sat nav, which he had carelessly left in his offshore bag, for his recent destinations. The last post code he had used it for, was his ex's! And I knew that because he had also written down her number and her post code on a dollar bill and he had used green pen so it was camouflaged. I searched the number on his phone and found txts to his ex so that's how I knew who it was.
I had also seen him Google the post code the previous week and asked him where he was planning on going and he said it was to buy a bicycle.
When he was going he actually said he was driving to England for a job for his work but his car engine exploded and he needed me to sort out his rescue. Which meant he HAD to tell me where he was. How strange, a back road between Aberdeen and Dundee. Not the route you'd expect on a trip supposedly to England. What a fucker. He really really drove me crazy and in hindsight I should have just bloody cut my losses and left Instead of torturing myself.

I was like a ninja finding all this shit out though.
He was once away on a work trip actually in England and I searched all the nightclub photos (the professional ones the nightclubs take then post to FB) and lo! Found him hanging onto a girl in a club there too.

I bet he thought I was absolutely mental finding all this shit. And I was. Because he made me that way. I am a nice, normal person usually. It was horrendous.

@Horehound. I sympathise, you are correct- even the sanest of us do mental things when trying to get to bottom of things. I never discovered anything really bad but did find out my H has a cracking daily porn habit— from a guy who is very much ‘new man’ and quite hypocritical about men who do much as look at page 3(he doesnt know I know his habit ) . To be frank if the emotional affair was the turning point in my pissed offness, then this addiction is the cherry on the cake— I’m still pontificating on things. (Saving up)

@friedeggsandchips. Here’s my tips. Get yourself a Yansa account- (only available on Android) it can monitor what’s app use and is very cheap— add her number if you know it— add his. You can see when they were both on it. If it coincides an awful lot then you might have your answer, although hard to tell if they use it a lot. Works well with someone though who uses it as far as you are aware not that often and you see they are on it 20 times a day or at funny times. It is legal— you can’t see contents and you can’t see who they are communicating with- but you can see frequency

Dislike myself for this but can't stop checking
Almost becoming obsessed which isn't healthy!

How do others stop checking and just trust no matter what?

@friedeggsandchips. I never did— twice bitten in 2 marriages. I’m sure others manage it but I I found once the hypervigilance sets in it’s hard to get out of it. A friend of mine told me she stopped when she no longer gave a shit and knew that she was getting out at a certain point

[quote Crikeyalmighty]@friedeggsandchips. I never did— twice bitten in 2 marriages. I’m sure others manage it but I I found once the hypervigilance sets in it’s hard to get out of it. A friend of mine told me she stopped when she no longer gave a shit and knew that she was getting out at a certain point[/quote]
I love hubby so much but pretty heartbroken at his relationship with this other lady which he denied was affair just lunch but why lie about where he was blah blah blah. Just feel there was something more but can't get confirmation. If I knew he definitely had affair and had gone on other outings with this lady I would be done. Just need proof. Eats me up.

Need that concrete proof and would live in one room rather than stay with him but need that to make decision.
Will stay here now but one more f... up and I'm done

Can you just ask her @friedeggsandchips
Could you confront her and say I need to know the truth so I can decide what to do next ?

No because she is a client of his and when I asked her before about something she definitely would have oh interests before mine. They are still in contact on professional bullshiit level. I would never ask her now.

I think if I hadn't intervened then it may have led on but they both know I am aware now.
She is married too.

If you have an idea which days he visits her, hide your mobile in his car but make sure you have turned off the volume on it for everything. As long as you have an email on it with Location switched on, you can then check via your email on a computer from home, to see where he is by looking at location. You would then be able to see exactly where he is.....including anywhere he shouldn't be. That worked when I put my phone in my cheating husband's car as I logged into my gmail, then location to see where he was, and it was where I had suspected! Divorce followed!

Do you have a mutual friend, but who you can trust? Have her text him asking for sex and see what he says.

What other platforms does he use??

I remember this guy (though no details thanks to my sieve-like brain).
You could also look into keystroke loggers and pet trackers.

@friedeggsandchips

So he's already been caught having an 'affair', and you're still thinking ''I want to find out without him knowing I am checking him just in case I'm wrong as I think that will taint relationship''

Hasn't he already ''tainted the relationship'' ?

Surely he should be the one ''falling over himself'' trying to reassure you ??

He's in contact with the OW still what more proof do you need?

I agree with what you are saying.
it's just that it's a client of his he had dinner with and he still has contact.
He says nothing else happened or will happen but I'm very insecure now as worried that he wanted more or she did but never got to that stage because I found out about secret dinner.
I need concrete evidence to make that decision to totally end marriage as last two years have been about staying together. He says he wants this as much as me. Just can't get head around that time.

Ps the contact now is work/client basis but I am not comfortable with the feeling I have every week about it.

You can get trackers for his car. A small device hidden under the carpet and will let you know where he has gone. Around £50

Pet trackers are cheaper and also small.

I can understand you wanting answers, does he normally take clients out for dinner?

If not , then I think it is well within your right to ask that he drops this client for the sake of your mental health and marriage.

If he refuses and turns it all back on you being paranoid and unreasonable then you know he does not have your best interests at heart. I presume you may have already had this discussion.

It's so very difficult to gain proof when they have 'locked' down, he will feign ignorance of technical knowledge, but most of them know exactly how to cover their tracks. Amazing how they can apply themselves in this area.
Knowing his location also doesn't prove he is up to something even it it shows her home address, he would make an excuse under the guise of work again.
There are covert surveylance things you can buy on the internet but ultimately, you don't trust him and he has made you like this, he has been unable to reassure you and that means he does not have your back.
Even If you unravel this you are always going to dislike him for what he put you through.
Go for dinner with someone else, see how he likes it.
x

I remember that his behaviour was hughly suspicious but deniable. I wanted evidence after 20 years; I can see why you'd want it after 30. But do make sure to think about how enjoyable it is living with him and whether being single or finding a new partner might not actually be preferable whether or not he has cheated with this OW.

You don't need a private detective. Where the car goes, he goes. Just track the car