HOW DID YOU CATCH CHEATING

[friedeggsandchips]

Partner still in contact with ow almost previously!
Want to find out if anything going on still.
Ideas please?

Managed to get in to his bank account. He got kicked out that night.

Oh, just seen 30 years plus together.

How did he explain the taking someone to the pictures away, that's pretty hard to cover as anything other than friendship.

Get a PI, after over 30 years he owes you that however much it costs.
They are very discreet, I've known people who have used them.
I think they also gave other pointers once employed which they don't advertise.

I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive me if I get this wrong, but he went out for a meal with a female, lied about where he was going...did he lie because you are likely to not like this so wanted to save himself some grief?
How do you know he was doing something wrong? Is there proof he has ever actually cheated on you,?
If not then why are you so paranoid? Perhaps his secretive behaviour is because of the way you react?

Sorry if I have got this wrong!

Once you get to the point of giving any headspace to private detectives, car trackers, mobile phone spying app your relationship is broken to the point of no return. You will never trust him, even if you somehow manage to find out he’s not acting up now, you will forever be waiting for the next time.
Staying with someone when there is absolutely no trust, is extremely painful and soul destroying and will inevitably destroy every ounce of your self confidence.I totally get the need to find out for yourself, with total undeniable proof but sometimes we don’t always get it
You either have to draw a line under this suspicion , try your hardest to trust him and try to move on,or walk away. Living like this is totally exhausting .

I totally understand your need for concrete evidence.

Private investigator is your best bet for solid proof, a shame they are so expensive

@ravenmum

I remember that his behaviour was hughly suspicious but deniable. I wanted evidence after 20 years; I can see why you'd want it after 30. But do make sure to think about how enjoyable it is living with him and whether being single or finding a new partner might not actually be preferable whether or not he has cheated with this OW.

That's how I feel as there is a huge amount of love and life with this guy. That's why I am so heartbroken and keep posting on Mumsnet under different names if I'm honest! It's like I'm trying to get some miracle answer/help for way I'm feeling which I know isn't possible realistically. There is no magic wand! Hope people aren't annoyed that I have done this just feeling desperate and sometimes scared of my real identity coming out as a very private person. I just need help as feeling very depressed most of the time. Hiding it well. Scared of that horrible sick feeling I had two years ago. It was awful and still is at times. Don't want my marriage to end and just lost trust in everything. Feel sad about it as I'm a good person and I don't feel that I was horrible or lazy at home. Also showed him a lot of love, affection and care. Just find it hard to understand as I thought we were on same page with this sort of thing. Feel second best and don't have a lot of faith in myself. Never did really as not a confident/cocky sort of person. Wish I was. Just felt happy and content before and everyday I don't feel this just anxiety.

No one is annoyed .. you are hurting
Most of us have been there , it's awful
Just do what's right for you 💐

Wait a minute.

So he hasn't actually ever had an affair, just had one lunch with a woman, and now you're contemplating trackers, snooping and private detectives?

@Pixie1771

I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive me if I get this wrong, but he went out for a meal with a female, lied about where he was going...did he lie because you are likely to not like this so wanted to save himself some grief? How do you know he was doing something wrong? Is there proof he has ever actually cheated on you,? If not then why are you so paranoid? Perhaps his secretive behaviour is because of the way you react? Sorry if I have got this wrong!

I get what you are saying here as maybe that is true but he has had other female clients who are not taken to a expensive restaurants a place we had gone together and enjoyed. He also told me it was a sandwich but it was a steakhouse. Neither of us has ever done this in our 30 yr relationship but I never had a problem with group lunch/meal or female clients. It was just because it was kept secret and arranged for day after they had met on professional basis and then he put other clients in our shared calendar when he was in fact at a meal with her. This is what has bothered me as if he had told me they had a bite to eat after meeting on a professional level I wouldn't have been as worried. He told me after I confronted him he was at lunch with a male client as he didn't want to rub it in he was in nice restaurant when I was on a strict diet at time trying to improve appearance. It then came out couple of day later through me investigating that it was this women. I said how I felt and within five mins he told me he wasn't attracted to me, had a roving eye, didn't love me and wanted to end our 30 year marriage and couple other things. 5 days later he said it was a big mistake, took back what he said and he just said those things in an argument. But for five days I was devastated as thought we were finished so very hard not to think back to that time.😰😰😰😰😰

That's hard if you actually like the guy. But it does sound as if your suspicions are making life with him quite unbearable. You have to factor that in, too. But obviously also the fact that you might never trust anyone.

People do cheat on partners that are nice, affectionate and caring. Sometimes it really is just about having a new sexual experience. Sometimes the cheating is to fill some other hole in the cheat's life, not something their partner isn't providing - e.g. their parents die, they feel sad and old, they want to feel happy and youthful again. It's not necessarily about you.

If you found evidence, are you sure you'd want out?

I m not sure anymore

You are right I won't trust now as he is the guy I did trust after a lot of rubbish relationships when I was young.

Sorry to hear you feel that way. But I don't feel you are moving forward in the right way. I maybe wrong, I'm no expert, bit I think he maybe tells you it was a bloke he was meeting because of the way you get. I fully understand this from him.
I think you need to draw a line under this and move forward, unfortunately being needy and clingy and possessive are not attractive qualities to a man.
You have no proof , nor are you likely to get any. You either finish the relationship which you clearly don't want to do or you lift yourself up, put your best foot forward and start again. You have to accept in life opposite sexes meet up, have dinner etc. I think what he said to you was borne out of frustration.
In honesty he's probably lying to you because he can't cope with your reactions.
If you don't believe him then end it. Otherwise move on and stop dwelling on this. Leave it be or it will eat you alive.
You're worth more than becoming this woman being gripped by what ifs.. ..turn over a new leaf. Leave this behind or you will end up bitter and twisted.

@blueleavesinjuly I just wanted to say that I was told by a very wise person that the things men can sometimes say in the heat of the moment may not actually be what they believe at all.
I know that sounds implausible, but the reasoning behind it is that some men will say anything for two reasons. One, they will say the amount of crap they think they need to stop you questioning them. This might be something which they know will push your buttons, or floor you, such as a blatant lie about you, or (in your case) not being attracted to you anymore because they have a roving eye?! I mean, come on, men do not usually admit to this unless you have them in a corner.
Secondly, they say things in the heat of the moment because attack is the best form of defence. Again, it helps them because then you have to defend yourself, which has the desired result of deflecting your attention away from them.
I would actually believe him when he says that he said those things in argument.
Women are much less likely to say such things (without being sexist) mainly because men are more inclined to attack than to defend themselves.

Wait... are you actually basing all of his cheating on one lunch 2 years ago with a client and a trip to the cinema a decade ago?

@myfuckingfreezer
Thsts my point exactly

@Pixie1771

Sorry to hear you feel that way. But I don't feel you are moving forward in the right way. I maybe wrong, I'm no expert, bit I think he maybe tells you it was a bloke he was meeting because of the way you get. I fully understand this from him. I think you need to draw a line under this and move forward, unfortunately being needy and clingy and possessive are not attractive qualities to a man. You have no proof , nor are you likely to get any. You either finish the relationship which you clearly don't want to do or you lift yourself up, put your best foot forward and start again. You have to accept in life opposite sexes meet up, have dinner etc. I think what he said to you was borne out of frustration. In honesty he's probably lying to you because he can't cope with your reactions. If you don't believe him then end it. Otherwise move on and stop dwelling on this. Leave it be or it will eat you alive. You're worth more than becoming this woman being gripped by what ifs.. ..turn over a new leaf. Leave this behind or you will end up bitter and twisted.

Thankyou for the good advice. You are right I do need to do what you are saying. I am scared though something bad will happen even if I stop worrying and I will feel all that pain again. But I totally agree what you are saying is the way forward for me. I just get scared I will get burnt again even if I do become this more confident self assured women. I feel like I have lost me if you know what I mean.

Read through the comments again - he broke up with her for 5 days saying that he fancied other women, didn't love her and wanted to end their marriage. Then changed his mind 5 days later - I seem to think that it was likely the OW didn't want to leave her husband, hence him changing his mind.

Oh sorry just seen the update. Didn't realise it was the OPs. Difficult if he said all of those things

Just leave him. Don’t spend your precious time going through phones or spying on him. Move on with Grace and dignity. That what I did and feel better for it.

He told you he wasn't attracted to you and had a roving eye ?

What a bastard, he wanted to scare you to continue his friendship. He clearly gave it his best shot at charming this woman and it didn't work, after 5 days he realised and wanted normality to return.

But it's not normal now is it ? you can never un hear those words, no wonder your confidence is on the floor.
Are you still intimate with him? I would tell him I no longer can have sex as he has battered your confidence to such a degree you can't let go.

He's controlling you, until you stand up for yourself he will stamp all over you, the power in the relationship is totally un balanced and you are suffering.

He is not a kind man, in fact he has shown a complete lack of kindness.
If it were me I would stop everything you do for him, in the home, if you work together, that too , he needs to understand your worth and so do you.

I think you do not know your own worth in this relationship, until you are willing to test that, this cunt will continue to hurt you.

He sounds narcisistic.

I am not annoyed with you, far from it, but what I'd like to say to your husband.

@blueleavesinjuly I totally get what you're feeling. Your reality was shattered. I expect there are moments that you just desperately want to go back to before, but that's impossible, and you're too scared to fully commit, to let go, be carefree, be happy with him, love him again, etc. because there is the risk that you'll be hurt again.
I do wonder if the only way through this is to become harder and more selfish. But that's probably not what you want to happen, is it?

You have lost you. And you will be so lost in a .minute it won't be retrievable.
Your not doing yourself any favours, sorry don't mean to sound harsh but thinking of trackers and pics over a couple of maybes in my mind is bonkers. No wonder he lies about who he's meeting. I don't think he would still be there if he meant those things he said....he said it in the heat of the moment I suspect.
I could be wrong.....but you can't spend your life getting like this.
If it falls apart and you end up.uoset again so what...you're not happy now so what's the difference. Give it a go for your own self worth, like you say your lost at the moment but only you can change that. You can't question everything he says or does , it will drive you both mad.
Come on you can do it

Thankyou

We owned a large caravan. Summer holidays and plan was for me to go ahead for a week then DH would come for 2 weeks before we came home together. I got there had 4 amazing days then my best friend rang me very upset and told me she had been out for her wedding anniversary dinner night before and saw my dh having a meal with another woman. Holding hands, gazing at each other and this was very expensive restaurant. One he only took me to twice each year for birthday and Wedding Anniversary. I was gutted he was cheating but it really stung that he was spending our money from Business Account on this woman who it turned out was his best friend's wife. Happy divorced for 15 years and remarried much nicer man.