What happened to you post divorce? Does anyone regret leaving?

[girlwiththealiceband]

Hi,
I am at the stage of strongly considering asking my husband for a divorce. I have not been happy for some time, have tried to deal with various things that have upset and disappointed me but have recently realised that I just don't love him as a partner anymore. I'm pretty anxious about the stress of a divorce, how the children would cope, and how the practicalities would work.
It would really help me to hear some stories about life after divorce with children. How did you cope? What helped you at the time? What would you not recommend doing? Do you have any regrets? Did you meet someone else when you were ready? Did you want to meet someone but things didn't turn out as you hoped? Was your new relationship more successful because you had learned from your marriage? Negative stories are fine as well as positive!

@pointythings, I recall your posts as you were going through the separation and subsequent death of your H. It is wonderful to hear you are moving forwards and happy.

@Missillusioned I met my DP on Tinder. I could go months not using the dating apps but if I had no plans I would swipe and arrange a date just for the night out. My friends thought this was hilarious. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I just used it for meeting people and a nice night out.

My partner was 53 when we met and like me wasn't expecting another relationship. Also like me he saw dating as a bit of fun.

Hope you find contentment and happiness

I used OLD much the same as @forumdonkey. I wasn't looking for a relationship but it was great for evenings out (ALWAYS went halfs). I had so much fun OLD and met loads of lovely guys.

My relationship ended when I was 42 (his choice). I remained single of a couple of years then started dating. No one met my children, that was really important to me - until they were 16 yrs old.

Now with a lovely chap and very happy.

Glad the ex left. Best thing ever.

Also used OLD to find dates to go out with, and found it fine. If you're past wanting children and not bothered about necessarily having a new long-term partner, then there's no pressure and you can just enjoy it as it comes. Been with the latest "casual OLD date" for more than 4 years and enjoying living apart.

My children were also teenagers. I stayed in the house until the youngest was 18 then we swapped round, so exh got a couple more years living with them.

This isn't the material life I'd hoped for - I'm unlikely to own a home or live in comfort when I retire. But emotionally, with exh what I had to look forward to was decades of disappointment and frustration: him forgetting me, working 12-hour days and weekends without extra pay, prioritising his family, friends and neighbours, taking it for granted when I did stuff for him, giving me disapproving looks, messing up any arrangements I made by not turning up on time, never apologising. Making him cups of tea but never being made one in return unless I asked, which also earned a disapproving look. I would have had to do the best I could to enjoy myself with friends instead, basically single but not able to date.

"Casual OLD date" goes out specially to get me a nice croissant for breakfast.

It's not easy. Telling the children was the hardest thing I've ever done and by far the worst day of my life. My ex ended things and I hadn't really given up yet at that point, but it was for the best.

I had a year of counselling. My ex left because he had realised he's gay, which caused a lot of trauma for me, but I strongly recommend counselling whatever the reason for the breakup because it helps you to focus on yourself and think about what you want.

Divorce not final yet, but been separated for more than two years now and I'm much happier. You don't realise how much damage the wrong relationship is doing to you until you get out of it.

I had to do all the work on the divorce, even though he left me, and it has been quite a strain. So be prepared for that.

The rwo years thing mentioned by a PP is pretty accurate.

We gave kids 50/50 and I miss them awfully when they're with their dad. On the other hand, I was doing 90% of everything before so I have been freed to go back to work full-time, which has also been necessary financially post-separation. I'm lucky enough to have found a good job that I like.

I met someone almost immediately after ex and I separated. It was far too soon for me to enter a relationship, but we became close friends and that has now evolved into a relationship. I'm meeting his kids next month and hope he will meet mine in due course.

I had always thought that if we ever split, we would be civilised, amicable etc. But that wasn't the case. My ex behaved appallingly and still does on occasion. It was gruelling at times. I'd say be prepared for the worst, because you honestly don't know how someone is going to behave through it all until it happens.

My life is much better now. Two years ago I was a complete wreck and thought my life was over, but once you get through the early pain, things improve a lot.

Thank you so much for all the replies. Mostly very positive after all the initial upset and stress.
I'm sorry that you feel so lonely @Missillusioned.

I have the 2 year thing in my head from the experience of a couple of friends who seemed much more settled and met new partners that they are much more happy with at the 2 year point. I know a few people who have had great success OLD. As some posters have said, I can imagine trying it to keep myself busy when the children aren't with me so I don't feel too lonely. I can't imagine having a serious relationship in the short term but some dates and company could be fun. I would plan to do some extra paid work, visit friends in other parts of the country, take up a new hobby and generally potter when the children weren't here. I'm sure I would miss them terribly but it would be unfair not to let their dad see them as much as he wanted and it would enable me to earn more easily without having to worry about childcare, etc.

Absolutely no regrets at all. Life was infinitely better as a single mother. Then I met someone a year later and we now have a child together. He is such a considerate and loving partner and (step)father that I look back and wonder how I could have settled for so long.

I was married for 20+ years, have been divorced for 18 years. I thought I'd end up as an old cat lady, but in fact I met up with an old friend within a few months, talked online for about 9 months, and have been together for 13 years.

I see my ex at family gatherings and I can't believe I ever thought he was wonderful enough to marry ! He's like a stranger to me now. Everyone moved on and the kids are happy, sane adults . It was the best decision for all of us.

No regrets here. Married 12 years, divorced for 8 now. Only regret is not doing it sooner. I look back and wonder why I settled for someone so wrong for me and know that the only thing that kept me in the marriage was wanting the kids to be happy and being scared.
It’s like ripping off a plaster. You know it’s gonna hurt so you fear how bad it will be. As PP have said, it’s messy and emotional and the change is something that takes years to move on from sometimes. The first 2-3 years is the worst in my opinion. But you adapt.

I found getting a dog, then another dog, helpful to keep the loneliness at bay and help us as a new family unit. I also through myself into decorating and my job.

I am happily re-married now to my soul mate. I’ve learnt from my mistakes and know the value of the right relationship. My kids are all teens now and have been so much happier and more stable since the divorce.
They have a sporadic relationship with their father and he pays me nothing towards them, I’ve tried not to be bitter as my life is good and I am happy. Life is short, be brave.

Never regretted it for a single moment. Not one. Never wavered when he would phone me in tears (drunk), saying ''can we please try again ?''

I simply couldn't be arsed with any of his crap, ever again.

Actually laughed out loud when I discovered, a few months later, that while he was asking for second chances, he'd actually gotten a poor lass pregnant with twins ! I wonder when he would've remembered to tell me that !

As a man I can say getting divorced was the best thing I ever did, we met in Uni and were together for 10 years, married for 7, nothing serious, just became different people with different life values and outlooks

I chose to end my marriage after some pretty unhappy years. My ex had poor mental health and a seeming inability to do anything he didn't enjoy (which included working and housework). There was no anger or abuse just an interminable slow grinding death that just peeked over dinner one day. We had discussed divorce once or twice over the 5 years before I finally split and nothing really changed. He just made me miserable.

DD was 7 and money wasn't a big issue. We easily agreed to split the money 50:50 and for me to take the kid 60:40 and the dog 100%. I don't charge him maintenance as I out earn him by a fair bit. He got a job, we both got separate places to live not far from our original home.

It's been 2years and 8 months since then. DD recovered very quickly - really within 6 months following the split (and he moved out immediately) she was much happier than she had been when we were together feeling gloomy all the time. The happy and joy and fun came back to my life and I was able to share it with her.

She now says she's far happier with us separated and wouldn't want us to live together again.

After about 8 months from the split and 2 months after the divorce came through I met a new guy. He's still a part of my life but hasn't moved in and I do not intend for him to do so. My DD likes him.

My ex is still unhappy, lonely and work-shy. Nothing has changed except I no longer have to put up with it.

We still share custody 60:40 and there is no angst.

I divorced my husband because I simply fell out of love with him.

He was and still is a brilliant father, we've always got on since our split and spent time together for our boys activities, even holidays etc.

I have moved on now and am very happy, however I really do regret that I split up our family which meant I didn't get to see my children every day as they spent time equally with us both, that is a massive regret for me, and I still get very upset about it now, 13 years on.

I've spoken to my boys about it and they are ok with how things turned out, obviously would have preferred us to stay together but not suffered with us being apart as we've worked well together, just me as a mum not putting them to bed every night, missing out on things they did when they weren't with me etc.

Therefore, knowing what I know now and before I met the guy I'm now with, I would have stayed.

@girlwiththealiceband I think part of my issue is the divorce process has dragged on and on. Five years on and we have only just signed the consent order. Ex has dragged his heels so much and has been so determined to fight for every penny despite earning 3 times my salary and being the one to initiate divorce. Its been absolutely brutal.

As for online dating, I've done loads of it. I've tried all of them. Tinder is about the best in my area for numbers, but especially since Covid it has gone very difficult. Men expect to come straight to your house now rather than meet in public first and a lot don't seem to want to meet at all, just ask for nudes and sex talk. 3-4 years ago when I started online dating it was easier to find people to actually go on a date with and I did meet quite a few people but whether it's my increased age, or the effects of Covid or both, it seems to have deteriorated.

Sorry to jump on the thread OP, but I am definitely joining you to look for answers! I want to move on, my dh knows how unhappy I am but we plod along, and I'm just paralysed by the thought of hurting him and the possible effect it will have on the kids etc etc... I just want to be myself and be happy. If anyone can help, please tell me, do I need a solicitor to get the ball rolling? I have tried ringing round this morning, and they're either all full and not taking any more clients, or they're charging £200 for an initial consultation over the phone. I had wanted to be prepared legally and financially before I have the big conversation with dh, but feel constantly held back by not quite knowing where I stand. I want to stay in the family home with the kids, but I just don't know if I have the right to ask him to leave when he absolutely does not want any of this to happen. Does anyone know? Sorry again @girlwiththealiceband for hijacking your question, and I hope the answers you've already had are helping you

I've been divorced nearly 4 years and have had some good and some bad consequences.
I love the fact I now have the freedom to be myself. Although I am now by myself and by definition have to do everything myself it somehow feels so much easier now I'm not carrying the weight of having to do it all for another adult who basically didn't bother to help. (hope that makes sense?)
I had a spell of on-line dating pre-covid and had a really fun time meeting new men, also joined a singles group and met some new people through that too and learned how to be sociable again!

I now consider myself very lucky to have a lovely steady boyfriend but with no immanent plans to progress to moving in.

The downside has definitely been the effect it's had on my children. They're at a difficult stage (teens) and Covid has certainly not helped.
They've recently decided to live almost full-time with my ex. We had started with 50/50 which I had become used to and the change to alternate weekends is literally nearly killing me.

Overall I don't regret splitting - if we'd stayed together I think we would of been at each others throats by now so being apart is better. I do regret a few things I did during divorce though - I tried everything to remain as amicable as possible throughout - meaning I gave in on far to many things - I wasn't looking to my long term future - only looking to get out as easily as possible.
I would recommend 2 things 1) Don't remain in the marital home while you divorce. Take whatever steps you can to live separately. 2) Use a solicitor. They are paid to look out for your interests and is probably money worth spent.

@19Bears Check CAB if your in England, free general advise
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/getting-a-divorce/

I'm two years on from splitting with exh, mostly due to incompatibility as I grew and he didn't. I'd agree that the first 2yrs are a roller-coaster but it was definitely the right thing to do. We coparent 50 50 as I felt I had no more right to the dc than him, and he's a good dad. As time goes on I do miss the dc more when they're not with me, but I'm trying to build a single life for myself too. I dabbled in dating and had one relationship but have now realised I'm not ready for one and plan to work on myself for a bit. The dc have coped as well as I could have hoped, they do wish we were back together but only do they didn't have to miss one or the other of us. We do week on week off and that seems to work best now. I moved out straight away and rented then ex decided to sell the family home rather than buy me out. We've both got new places now.

Overall I don't regret the split. I do have moments of regret about having children with someone who ultimately wasn't right for me, and the dc are the ones who pay for that, but hindsight is wonderfully useless...

Good luck whatever you decide

@Missillusioned- it does sounds as if your circumstances have been particularly hard with your ex having an affair and then also making the divorce process hellish. I'm sure the last 18 months have been very difficult for online dating. Hopefully there will be less idiots on the wanting cheap thrills soon!

@19Bears- I thought you could normally half a 30 minute appointment free with many solicitors. Perhaps things are different at present. Not much help, sorry.

@19Bears, you could post on the divorce board with more info. There is no automatic right to stay in the house (or ask him to leave) as courts want to see both parties able to be rehoused and move on with their lives. Generally the aim is for 50/50 split If you can buy your H out of the property then it's makes sense to stay.

You'll need a list of assets, equity, savings, pensions and details of both incomes. This is the starting point.