How old were you when your sex life died?

[crazychick2]

I'm 30 and my sex life died a few years ago. My husband just isn't bothered and doesn't want to believe there's anything wrong with him so he won't get help. He is impotent and has no libido, but he blames me and says if I 'wasn't horrible' he would want to do it. I know this is just a tactic as he has a history of denial when it comes to health and mental issues.

That aside, even with no sex it would be difficult for me to leave because of finances. I would rather live a monk's life than struggle (and I would struggle). It works both ways - we need each other financially to pay the bills.

So I have to face the facts that I'll probably never have Sex again, and never have a family (that has been hard but I think I've finally got to the stage where I no longer picture a child in my life). Surely I can't be the only one living like this - I tell myself most relationships die after a few years and not many couples actually like each other much, they just tolerate each other for convenience. I don't know many couples who are actually happy after 10+ years.

Catastrophizing*

@MihaelaCW Sounds like you've got a pretty solid foundation to enable you to leave to be honest! And nothing worth keeping you in that relationship.

I know I must leave much as I hate admitting this to myself. I just need to get therapy to build the resilience to leave. Difficult upbringing has made me very neurotic. I'm looking for therapists right now, then I'll find a solicitor to know the next steps. Then I'll just have to go through with it.

@MihaelaCW

I know I must leave much as I hate admitting this to myself. I just need to get therapy to build the resilience to leave. Difficult upbringing has made me very neurotic. I'm looking for therapists right now, then I'll find a solicitor to know the next steps. Then I'll just have to go through with it.

Good for you!

@littlepieces

I sympathise with OP's situation. I'm sure it's more complex than their post goes into.

It's really not that easy for young people to pack up and move out. It's not straightforward to retrain and 'focus on progressing your career.' Progressing your career doesn't even mean earning more now. Most 20/30 yo friends I have have been on around the same salaries for years despite moving jobs and working long hours. And it costs a fortune to retrain and then you're on the bottom of the ladder again.

I'd rather be living in a stable yet sexless relationship, enjoying a decent standard of living, with someone I get on with than in a grotty houseshare with 3-4 others coming and going at all times of the day and night, stealing my food, hogging the bathroom, nosing around my room when I'm out and bothering me with their petty dramas. 30 is too old for this s**t.

OP has said that they only tolerate each other, but do not like each other. She is trying to persuade herself that this is normal to enable her to bear it. She sounds like she has given up on herself and her life.

Find a houseshare that is not like this poster describes. Plenty of people have a room to rent in their own home, rather than being in a HMO.

Give your head a wobble OP.

What on Earth are you thinking?!

Using his lack of desire as a stick to beat you with is abusive. Is he abusive in other ways too?

I was 26 when I went sexless for a few years. My instigation due to trauma. My partner stuck with me and now we are back having sex, are engaged and have been together over 10 years. Sexless periods can be a part of a loving relationship but absolutely not if one person is using it as power over the other person. Leaving would be hard but so does staying with him. Leaving might give you hope as it sounds like you have little being with him. That really shine through.

You're 30 not 60! And even if you were 60 you could still leave!
Don't give up on the chance of a full and happy relationship or kids! We get one life don't waste it staying with a man you don't even like!

Do you have fiends you could flat share with? It sounds like you're living in a house share anyway not a loving relationship!
Start planning OP

Hi OP. It seems to me the only thing keeping you in this marriage is the fear of financial insecurity which I agree is a big deal. I think you need to talk to a solicitor to find out exactly what you might be looking at in terms of a divorce settlement and to Citizens Advice to find out what you may be entitled to in terms of benefits if you leave. I know you have anxiety and find the idea of leaving daunting but you don't have to leave just because you've sought advice and hopefully by thinking of it that way will help you be brave enough to find out for certain what your life could look like financially if you got a divorce. It may be as bad as you think but it might not be and it would be such a shame if you stuck with this marriage not knowing for sure whether leaving is financially doable.

52 and still going strong. No sex life at 30 is no way to live.

Please please consider getting out. Its not just a lack of sex issue if he's calling you horrible. You are still so young, you can find someone else and have children if you want them. Look into your options, the financial side can be addressed.

Bumbojumbo exactly the same as me. It's incredibly sad x

Slightly off topic but didn’t meet my husband until I was 29.
A friend of mine turned 30, quite her job, worked in a ski resort during the winter and a boat during the summer. Became a qualified scuba instructor, worked all over the world and met her husband at 40. She now lives in his home country (beautiful, great weather) and they have a DC together.
Do not waste your life on this man!

I spent most of my late 20's trying to get pregnant. Fell with my DD aged 31. Then tried for a second so I got fed up of sex. My DP was understanding but understandably frustrated. Then a couple of years ago my sex drive got really high. Added to that though DP and I have never stopped fancying each other. You're 30, get out now while you can as this won't get any better.

There is nothing normal about the life you are describing. Get out now, even if it is a struggle. You’re still so young; you have your entire life ahead of you and the opportunity to be happy. Do something about it whilst your can.

I was in an abusive marriage and didn't have sex for 15 years , not my choice.
One divorce later and another 4 year relationship which was shit sex . 🥴
Im 56 and still enjoy sex immensely. It shouldn't have to be the end if you enjoy it .

This thread is soul destroying, if money is worth sacrificing your sexual happiness for, then the men choosing not to be intimate with you are not the problem. I would rather go to a food bank, than live a sex less life at any age if I still wanted that intimacy. Settling is for villagers, get out of stagnant relationships and get laid!

30 is no age! TBH it sounds like this RL is over ! Please dont stay just for a "comfortable life" though .It is soul destroying for you .What about if you want DC in the future too?

Surely if you divorced you would get a share of the house at least? I dont get it .Maybe if you had DC it would be easier to understand .You are living a sort of half life ATM .

To be honest I'm 41 partner 45 we can't be bothered with it either - we love each other and have a great family unit just minus the sex and it doesn't matter at all

I'm of the "there is more to life than sex" and having a safe, secure family home together and being stable would personally be more important to me than having sex so I totally see why people are worried about their finances etc and stability for children over afew mins of sex however often

It's not just the lack of sex, though that is important, but the fact you're not happy and have no prospect of having the children you want. Don't live unhappy! Life may never be perfect but it never has to be miserable.

Sounds like you are totally dependent on this guy and have been for your entire adult life. You are not stuck and you CAN make it on your own - yes it will be hard at first, but in the end you will find a new way to live. Find a flat share or become someone's lodger if you haven't got the funds yet. Change jobs or join a club or take up an interest, so you meet some people and maybe make friends. You need to know who you are, and then you may well meet a new partner who is very different from the one you have.

Sounds like your partner isn't happy either, so it will be good for him as well.

@omgthepain. Unfortunately at 59 I feel exactly like you about things— sadly my slightly younger H doesn’t feel the same at all and hence it’s likely our relationship will end- as I’m not mentally prepared to have sex I don’t want however much I care for someone or wake up every morning to someone’s hands all over you— but nor do I want to be in an open relationship- I would rather accept it’s not fair on either of us. I’ve pontificated on it for maybe 5 years more than I should purely because it’s my second marriage and practical stuff . At 30 though I would have been off no doubt about it-/ it’s a different ballgame to being much older when it may well be that you end up on your own if you are a fussy mare (and I am) OP— you really will regret staying - as others have said find a great flat share and then save up for a place on your own— will save you cash and give you some company too.

@omgthepain so you're 10 years older, have children, and in a loving relationship. So in no way relatable to what the OP has said. Sex isn't everything no, but do you really think OP should stay with a man who can't give her children or sexual gratification, is horrible to her and all at the young age of 30, for the sake of financial stability? Of course not!

28 😢

Please give serious thought to leaving, take it from people older than you that this will only make you feel worse and worse over time. You could definitely meet someone else and have a family before it's too late. He doesn't even sound like he's a fantastic friend who you could have fun but live platonically with to make up for the lack of sex.

Good luck, your future doesn't have to be this xx