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Original poster

How old were you when your sex life died?

125 replies

crazychick2 · 20/06/2021 07:39

I'm 30 and my sex life died a few years ago. My husband just isn't bothered and doesn't want to believe there's anything wrong with him so he won't get help. He is impotent and has no libido, but he blames me and says if I 'wasn't horrible' he would want to do it. I know this is just a tactic as he has a history of denial when it comes to health and mental issues.

That aside, even with no sex it would be difficult for me to leave because of finances. I would rather live a monk's life than struggle (and I would struggle). It works both ways - we need each other financially to pay the bills.

So I have to face the facts that I'll probably never have Sex again, and never have a family (that has been hard but I think I've finally got to the stage where I no longer picture a child in my life). Surely I can't be the only one living like this - I tell myself most relationships die after a few years and not many couples actually like each other much, they just tolerate each other for convenience. I don't know many couples who are actually happy after 10+ years.

OP posts:
Nowthisisme · 20/06/2021 08:24

@TheProvincialLady

At the age of 30 you’re going to spend your whole life tied to a man with a limp dick who hates you, giving up your chance of children, sex and happiness?
This!
milinhas · 20/06/2021 08:25

Hopefully you are posting for a kick up the bum … OP you need to leave! You really want 50 more years like this? Get a room in a shared house, live like the young person you are! Find someone you actually like!

BraxtonChic · 20/06/2021 08:26

What? This is crazy OP.

I'm in my 50's and I'm not planning on abandoning my sex life anytime soon. And I'm a few partners on from the person I was with at 30. I've had periods of time over the last 20 years when I haven't had sex for a while due to health issues but give up all together? Not a chance!

I mean, we all prioritise things differently in life, but why exactly do you not think you'd survive financially by yourself?

Killahangilion · 20/06/2021 08:28

30!!! If you live until you are at least 70, you’ve got another 40 years of living a shit life. Why the fuck are you settling for this crap so young and wasting your life away?

I moved counties, got a new job and rented a room in a house in my mid thirties when I broke up with my ex. In my forties, I married my now DH and had children.

Give yourself a massive boot up the arse and get out there.

minnimiss · 20/06/2021 08:28

This would be less about the lack of sex for me and more about the lack of love. If he is saying you are horrible then that's not a happy loving relationship. And if you want children and are giving up that chance then resentment will grow and you will eventually hate him. It will be worth struggling financially for a while to give your chance at a happy life. You deserve it. A year from now even you could have that! Things can change quickly

Domoresteps · 20/06/2021 08:29

Well I don’t know anyone who lives like that at 30 and accepts it.

You could live in a bedsit and be happier.

Do you really not want children ever?

Faevern · 20/06/2021 08:30

Well I’m 60 and still enjoying sex with the same man for over 30 years, he is younger though. Even if you otherwise had a fulfilling relationship, no sex is a huge compromise if it matters to you. But there’s more to this if he’s blaming you.

At 30 and childless I would rather struggle financially than stay in a dead relationship. What if he stops contributing financially, loses a job, illness etc, what then? Can you look to improve your own finances, even long term?

RantyAnty · 20/06/2021 08:31

Seriously, why are you with him?

You're very young. Leave and rent a room with another girl and be free. Go back to school and study something so you can earn a good living on your own.

You have your entire life ahead of you.

EarthSight · 20/06/2021 08:34

It doesn't sound to me like you're just living a monk' life. To take it literally, most monks choose their life of celibacy. They are called by their spirituality to do it. You are not only giving up sex, but also love AND children by the sounds of it. Do you have no family you could go to in order to start a new life? You think you have a choice in this, that all this sacrifice is worth it. How would you feel if he died in about 5 years' time?? Where would you be then? Struggling to start again and have a baby. How would you feel if he was the one who decided to end the relationship on a few years????

@PandemicPalava Some men find condoms emasculating. It sounds like he's a bit of an asshole actually. It would be different if he was allergic to them, but not having sex at all because of the faff they create? Pathetic. It takes about a minute to put them on. I know condoms aren't ideal, but given your situation it sounds like he needs to grow up and stop causing a faff that could be avoided.

Cinni23 · 20/06/2021 08:35

You are miles and miles too young to settle for this. The financial struggle would be temporary - why would you chose permanent unhappiness over being temporarily skint??

Cinni23 · 20/06/2021 08:37

Also I have been with dh for 15 years and we have had a lot of ups and downs but are still very happily married with a good sex life. I think you're convincing yourself this doesn't happen so you don't have as much reason to leave.

Tinkling · 20/06/2021 08:38

I could live without sex OP, but not without my children. Leave. Nobody needs someone for money that much. Benefits, family, a new job. Whatever it takes.

Shelovesamystery · 20/06/2021 08:38

OP this is madness! I can sometimes understand when people stay in unhappy relationships for financial security because of kids. Not wanting to have to move to a much smaller place, kids move schools, disrupt their lives etc. But you don't have this responsibility. Personally I'd rather live on my own in a bedsit than live with someone I don't like in a mansion.

And I think you are lying to yourself about couples not liking each other. I've been with DH for 15 years and we get on so well, we're really happy. Happy, healthy relationships definitely do exist but you're not going to find one by choosing to stay in an unhappy relationship. Just leave!

LCDIT · 20/06/2021 08:41

@TheProvincialLady

At the age of 30 you’re going to spend your whole life tied to a man with a limp dick who hates you, giving up your chance of children, sex and happiness?
This totally.

You're so young to rule out children too.

Benjispruce3 · 20/06/2021 08:41

OP I’m 50 and still fancy DH, still firing on all cylinders so to speak. He sounds abusive, you’re still very young. Time to reassess. Good luck.

Benjispruce3 · 20/06/2021 08:42

Oh and married 24 years!

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/06/2021 08:42

If you don’t have kids, then make the leap now. Meet someone else to mingle finances with who actually likes you. And maybe even loves and wants you.

Is it worth it to abandon yourself and your true life - the lack of struggle to rebuild, at such a young age?

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/06/2021 08:42

Don’t give up so easy.

EllieStartingOver · 20/06/2021 08:44

This is the saddest thing I’ve read for a long time.

You are giving up your whole life at THIRTY?

Why are nice houses and lifestyles more important to so many women than being happy? I left an unhappy marriage and a huge house to move into a rental a quarter of the size. My children are happier than they’ve been in years and so am I. I am building my finances up again.

What a bloody waste.

betrayedandwobbly · 20/06/2021 08:47

Mine was killed off by XH's affair, and is still awaiting revival. I know it's there, and like a deciduous tree it can return to leaf and perhaps blossom.

I don't think age has much to do with it, unless it's age related hormone issues or consequences of some other a medical condition that you're more likely to get the more time has passed.

I thought DH had in his 40s had just 'slowed down'. Turns out he was just as enthusiastic as ever, just not with me.

Patup5 · 20/06/2021 08:48

You’re just a young girl.

Your life has hardly started,

Get out of there before he destroys what little self esteem you have left.

RattyMcgrew · 20/06/2021 08:48

I’ve been with the same person my entire adult life, now early 30’s. We’ve had ups and downs due to health issues but the sex has never died.
We have more now than ever before, since having our little one. Wfh has been amazing! Wink
I think you need to get out of there OP. As others have said, you could rent a room somewhere or move back with parents, if that’s possible. I definitely wouldn’t be giving up love, sex and children at 30!
Your happiness is not second to being financially comfortable.
A lot of couples lose that connection after 10+ years, but it doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to lose yours.

secondspringing · 20/06/2021 08:50

OP I think you need to see a counsellor to help you with your extreme catastrophic and negative thinking. You have not children you still feel you need to tie yourself financially to a man who doesn't appear to like you and whom you can't have a family or sex life with.
You will be able to have shelter and food if you leave this man. You are able to work to increase your earning potential as you don't have children (gets harder to do that when you are older and have kids).

Nothing is tying you to a miserable life that you are condemning yourself to other than your thoughts.

In answer to your question, I am almost 50, my libido took a massive upward increase when I was 46 and I am absolutely having the best sex of my life ( by a clear mile) with a man who I am absolutely fancy the arse off.

diamondpony80 · 20/06/2021 08:52

Girl you’re only 30 and have your whole life ahead of you! Stop accepting your circumstances and work towards creating the life YOU want. You’re talking as if you’ve got no choice but to live without sex, love, intimacy, kids etc but you do have a choice. So many women are stuck because they’ve got kids with the guy which is a much bigger obstacle. Finances are not enough of an excuse to just do nothing. Sit down and really think about your options. Do you have any support anywhere outside your marriage? Can you get a different job? Can you train to do something better? Is there anything you can do on the side? Do some research because there are probably more options out there than you think. And having no kids means you have the time to do pretty much anything you want.

TurdCrapley · 20/06/2021 08:54

WTF. This is insane. You're so young! Yeah, it would be hard to begin with but surely you'd rather have the chance of happiness. You know if you stay in this relationship then you'll be miserable for the next 40+ years. Please leave.

What does he mean by you being horrible?