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Original poster

How old were you when your sex life died?

125 replies

crazychick2 · 20/06/2021 07:39

I'm 30 and my sex life died a few years ago. My husband just isn't bothered and doesn't want to believe there's anything wrong with him so he won't get help. He is impotent and has no libido, but he blames me and says if I 'wasn't horrible' he would want to do it. I know this is just a tactic as he has a history of denial when it comes to health and mental issues.

That aside, even with no sex it would be difficult for me to leave because of finances. I would rather live a monk's life than struggle (and I would struggle). It works both ways - we need each other financially to pay the bills.

So I have to face the facts that I'll probably never have Sex again, and never have a family (that has been hard but I think I've finally got to the stage where I no longer picture a child in my life). Surely I can't be the only one living like this - I tell myself most relationships die after a few years and not many couples actually like each other much, they just tolerate each other for convenience. I don't know many couples who are actually happy after 10+ years.

OP posts:
Original poster
crazychick2 · 20/06/2021 08:56

I don't have any family I could live / who could help me, and no good friends either. Part of the reason I stayed with him and married him in the first place is because I had no one else in life from any angle.

I suffer from anxiety and the thought of financial instability really really worries me, if I rent I would barely have enough to buy food after rent and the bills.

OP posts:
mum2jakie · 20/06/2021 08:59

30 and no kids there must be a way to leave! Even if it means shared accommodation/renting a room at the start?

userchange8945 · 20/06/2021 09:00

if I rent I would barely have enough to buy food after rent and the bills

But you're barely living now, you might be getting nourishment from food but you're starving yourself of any chance of happiness and emotional fulfilment (sorry for the cheesy comparison there) you would make it work, you just would. What actions could you take now to improve things in the long term if you're not able to right now. Look at what you're earning, how you could earn more, you have no ties so could you move to a cheaper area. I'm not meaning to be overly simplistic but this is completely within your power. You are worth more.

Goingdriving · 20/06/2021 09:01

I am 57 and I last had sex when I was round about your age - 34. It is a matter of enduring great sadness for me. I feel I missed out on intimacy, pleasure and life. I really loved sex. My reasons are not that different from yours - my confidence was so knocked by a bad relationship that essentially I didn’t think I was good enough for a partner. Luckily I already had children and so I have had a great enduring joy from them.
please get out of there. Even sleeping on a couch is better than this.
Worse than the sexlessness is someone blaming you for their own impotence. You must be starting to believe it if you’re staying. I understand why he feels the need to attack but that doesn’t justify it. Please please get out. You are so young. Search for happiness elsewhere.
Giving up kids (if you think you want them) is a massive sacrifice and one you could profoundly regret, far more than sexlessness.
Perhaps your go can help with therapy handholding professional help to get out of there, because I can only believe yoj must be very depressed if you’re staying.

Goingdriving · 20/06/2021 09:04

If yoj suffer from anxiety or any other mental health issue I think you could be asking your gp for help, just as a start. Just for a therapist to help with the anxiety and help you find out what yoj want abs perhaps guide you to service that will support you.

mam0918 · 20/06/2021 09:06

I have had sex twice in 12 months, been together 14 years but my relationship is perfectly happy though.

After a decade of infertility with timed, regimented, miserable intercourse the break is not so bad lol.

If sex was the only thing making you happy you where together for all the wrong reasons.

Me and DH can just sit and have a laugh together thats what makes our relationship strong not sexual intercourse.

MajesticWhine · 20/06/2021 09:12

I am 49 and have been married for over 20 years. Having a sex life is important to me. What you are describing OP is not something that you should have to put up with. It's not normal. You are telling yourself it's like that for everyone. You might be doing this to persuade yourself that it's ok, and to accept your lot. But it really isn't. No marriage is perfect. Mine is absolutely far from that. But many people can and do have a sex life, even after many years.

You have the chance to get out of this relationship and build a new life for yourself. You can do it.

JadedStrumpet · 20/06/2021 09:12

You are 30. You could live another 60 years! This is your one and only life op. Do not spend it with a man like this. Saying you will struggle financially just isn't a good enough reason to stay. Leave him and build a new future for yourself. There is a better life out there for youFlowers

userchange8945 · 20/06/2021 09:13

@mam0918 even if were to believe a young relationship can be happy without sex, what you're describing is clearly not what the OP has got, do you think she sits around and laughs with a man who blames his impotence on her?

JadedStrumpet · 20/06/2021 09:14

Oh and I'm 42 and my DH left me and our young DC 20 months ago. Do I think my sex life is over? Of course not. When I am ready I fully Intend to get back out there and start having good sex again!

Vetyveriohohoh · 20/06/2021 09:18

I’d rather be absolutely skint than live a life like that with a man like him. Please reevaluate your priorities

BadgeronaMoped · 20/06/2021 09:21

Mate, you're very young. Would splitting up but remaining in the same house for a while work for you both? That way you'd retain some financial stability while you look for alternative accommodation, save up and plan your new life. Seriously, you'll give up your own happiness for this man? It's probably already been said but can you access help for working on your anxiety? It does sound as though it's holding you back, don't let it!

Discodancing · 20/06/2021 09:23

Please get out of there or you will just end up having an affair with all the mental trauma that involves. Sex is very important, don't make the mistake of thinking it doesn't matter. Thank your lucky stars you don't have kids already.

justanotherneighinparadise · 20/06/2021 09:23

45 was when my sex drive plummeted. Thirty is when you’re in your prime!

PrinnyPree · 20/06/2021 09:24

OP get out and get dating, rent a room, you may be a little less financially stable but it will only be temporary. Do not get stuck in a sexless, gaslighting, childless marriage (assuming you want the latter from your OP) you are still so young!

Discodancing · 20/06/2021 09:25

Oh and I was 34 when mine died with my husband. But I've had the best of my life in the years since.

aiwblam · 20/06/2021 09:27

Get away from this man. It is very, very unusual for your sex life to die when you are 30 Shock

You have to get divorced or you will be miserable forever - perhaps another half century Shock

MargosKaftan · 20/06/2021 09:27

Flat share rather than rent alone?

If you are low paid in part of thr country with high rents but no friends or family to tie you to that location, then you could look for a new job in a cheaper part of the country, you will be starting again, so why not start again somewhere else?

You wouldn't be expected to leave with nothing if you are married. No dcs and not been together long will mean you won't get most of the joint assets, but you'll get something .

This sounds terrible for you. You either live like this forever or take the chance of a better life. Its unlikely your life without him will be worse, although you'd have less stuff and less money.

aiwblam · 20/06/2021 09:27

You’d be better off bankrupt than living like this.

headlock · 20/06/2021 09:30

OP, you don't have to rent an entire place yourself? Get a flat share? You're so young!!

RampantIvy · 20/06/2021 09:36

This has got to be one of the saddest posts I have read.

I suspect that your anxiety is fuelled by your mentally abusive husband, and if you were to leave him the improvement in your life would help with your anxiety. I agree that your first step is to talk to your GP and see what support you can get, then see if anyone is advertising for a flat share.

You can't live the rest of your life like this.

minnimiss · 20/06/2021 09:38

What exactly is your financial situation now? Do you own a place together or do you rent? Do you work? Are you full time now? Can you increase your hours? Look at things you can do on the side to make extra money. The make £10 a day board on here is a great place to start. Or look into things like matched betting. Don't let finances stop you from getting out of there and living a life! There will be a way forward!

headlock · 20/06/2021 09:43

We're you anxious before this relationship?
No matter how bad and how deep rooted your anxiety is right now, it can get better. Maybe not 100% but certainly you can have a much better quality of life. The first step is talking to your GP.
Think about what you want to do with your life. Enroll on a college course? Start to build your future!
You have nothing but opportunities here.
Don't write yourself off at 30.
You CAN do it. Biscuit

Sarahlou63 · 20/06/2021 09:47

How did you manage financially before you married? Are you entitled to any benefits? If you live in an expensive area, can you move to somewhere cheaper? Living is a sexless relationship with a man who hates you is appalling, whether you are 30 or 60 (or 90!).

aboutbloodytime123 · 20/06/2021 09:47

Oh this is absolutely heartbreaking. Please don't settle for this. I am 15 years older than you, and I wouldn't. The door is there, you just have to open it 💐