How old were you when your sex life died?

[crazychick2]

I'm 30 and my sex life died a few years ago. My husband just isn't bothered and doesn't want to believe there's anything wrong with him so he won't get help. He is impotent and has no libido, but he blames me and says if I 'wasn't horrible' he would want to do it. I know this is just a tactic as he has a history of denial when it comes to health and mental issues.

That aside, even with no sex it would be difficult for me to leave because of finances. I would rather live a monk's life than struggle (and I would struggle). It works both ways - we need each other financially to pay the bills.

So I have to face the facts that I'll probably never have Sex again, and never have a family (that has been hard but I think I've finally got to the stage where I no longer picture a child in my life). Surely I can't be the only one living like this - I tell myself most relationships die after a few years and not many couples actually like each other much, they just tolerate each other for convenience. I don't know many couples who are actually happy after 10+ years.

@crazychick2

I don't have any family I could live / who could help me, and no good friends either. Part of the reason I stayed with him and married him in the first place is because I had no one else in life from any angle.

I suffer from anxiety and the thought of financial instability really really worries me, if I rent I would barely have enough to buy food after rent and the bills.

OP I can really relate to you, almost exactly.

If being financially unstable make you feel anxious, you can find a way to resolve that. Focus on your career to put yourself in a better position. You are only 30 so you could easily re-train. Make a good life for yourself. There are plenty of 30 year olds who are flat sharing these days. This would help you financially and socially.

How are you financially trapped without kids? Start fresh.
If it's debt then there's help for that.

OP leave him. It's not a sex life problem, it's that he doesn't like you and won't give you affection or a family, which is a big deal. If you stay, I can almost guarantee that he will wait until 40 before leaving and knocking up some other woman. Don't destroy your life because you're afraid. Ask your gp for help with the anxiety. Rent a room somewhere. Join a local club (I know it's hard atm but things are getting more normal). Talk to Citizen's Advice Bureau. Get a divorce. Live, and never accept this level of misery and contempt in any relationship again. I'm rooting for you!

Now 51, been with dh since we were 18, still have sex a couple of times a week, still like each other and love each other.

It's not typical to simply tolerate your partner and accept a sexless life after 10 years together. And at 30 you are still just beginning. Get out and live!

Why don’t you at least find out what you could get in your area and the costs involved?

I was living in shared houses until my 30s and it was completely normal for lots of my peers.

Age 33 I discovered porn and found ways to please myself that no man ever could!! You do not need a man to have a sex life. Repeat it with me: you do not need a man to have a sex life. And it is the best sex you could ever have. Trust me. Learn to squirt. Learn to come through your G spot. Experiment with porn that makes you go crazy. Your vagina is not "dead". It just needs to be awakened. Do it every night. Do it. You will not look back. And you will never need a man again.

You really need to leave. You need love and you want children. This relationship is giving you neither. Find a room in a flatshare so your housing costs aren't too high and build your own life.

If you was 50, I'd still be telling you to leave but at 30 get yourself the fuck out of there. You have potentially 50/60 years left with this miserable bloke.

I've been single twice with children after 2 ltr (10+ each). I'm disabled and I'd still rather have done that than stayed.

It can be a struggle at times but no money is worth your self esteem, love and happiness.

@crazychick2

I don't have any family I could live / who could help me, and no good friends either. Part of the reason I stayed with him and married him in the first place is because I had no one else in life from any angle.

I suffer from anxiety and the thought of financial instability really really worries me, if I rent I would barely have enough to buy food after rent and the bills.

You have a roommate like the rest of us.

I lived in houseshares until I was 32!

But so what?? Living in houseshares actually helped my career - I only signed yearly house rental contracts so if a better job came up across the city I'd simply line up a room in a house on that side. It gave me a lot more flexibility in looking for jobs.

You also get a social aspect, there's usually someone to say hello to!

I did eventually have kids too. And married the love of my life - who I still have sex with! My thirties were the most exciting and productive time of my life. And yours are just beginning!

Why are you financially dependent on someone aged 30 with no dc?

My sex loge was non existent after my second child, with my ex. I stayed in the marriage for 12 years after her birth. We grew apart, there was no sexual attraction anymore and he started gambling. In hindsight the relationship was a mess.

I'm now 46, been with my partner three years and we can't keep our hands of each other.

I had forgotten what an important part of a relationship sexual contact is. It's so important to emotional health and well-being. If I could go back with this information, I'd have ended my relationship with my husband much earlier.

*life

@toolazytothinkofausername

30yo, without children... BE FREE!!!! Please leave and start again!

Omg OP... this this this!!!

You are still so young and you have a chance to get out and live your life, even have children if that's what you want.. please don't waste your life in this way!!!

I am in my 40s, 2 still young DC and married. I literally do not remember the last time we had sex. I think it was over a year ago.. it could be longer, who knows. There is no passion anymore. No Kisses that are anything more than a quick peck. No butterflies. We are friends who share a life and surname. I want more than this but as a previous poster said, I don't want it with my DH because it would now feel weird.

I love my children more than anything and would never do anything to destroy the home they are happy in but If I could go back In time?? Wow, things would be different.

Leave now before you massively regret it and end up resenting him.

At 30 without children you need to move out. Take a room in a shared house with others a similar age. Concentrate on your career and if you don't have one work on sorting this out. And have fun.
You absolutely do not need to stay with this man for financial reasons at this age .
You need to change perspectives to young free and single. Maybe take a job somewhere different and move for it. Re start now and you could easily be happily married with children by 40 if that's what you really want? Or free and financially independent!
Most of my friends lived in house shares in London at 30. Open your eyes

My life completely sexless from 34-45. Then i left my husband.

I am now 47 and my new partner (50)and i are so sexually compatible it is ridiculous. We love each other and the sex is insane.. Your life can turn around

I feel very sad for those of you who’ve just accepted it but really wanted a healthy sex life. Personally I’d rather live in a bedsit on benefits than stay with someone who deprived me of one of the most important parts of a relationship. I feel quite down if our sex slows down a bit and we miss a few nights, with a life that seems to revolve around our child , my older child and work and study , the thrice weekly knee trembler sometimes feels like the only thing that’s really ours between us. He’s a good partner now though, after a rough start where I felt like he tried to be a single man part of the time , he settled down a few years back and never goes out anymore. We have fabulous weekends enjoying our kid in the day and having drinks and intimacy in the evening. I never thought I’d be able to say I was one of the lucky ones. I spent my 20 s with an abusive arse though so maybe I really was picky and a little bossy this time.

[quote userchange8945]@mam0918 even if were to believe a young relationship can be happy without sex, what you're describing is clearly not what the OP has got, do you think she sits around and laughs with a man who blames his impotence on her?[/quote]
So my point exactly that the relationship is not right... same observation you and everyone else is making.

Its not about sex OP needs to find someone she enjoys being with.

Yep, 30 with no kids - go, go, go.

Splitting up doesn’t mean that one of you has to physically LEAVE immediately.

My ExDH and I separated but remained living together to the end of our rental contract. During which time, he met his now DW . Then I went into shared rented. Money was tight for years, but it was so much better ☺️

Oh this made me so sad.

You’re far too young to shut yourself off from a full and satisfying life!

30 with no children, you really would be far better off struggling for a while in order to build a better life for yourself in the future.

Wishing you strength and courage.

To answer your question, I’m 45 and haven’t given up sex yet. Far more importantly I’m with a good, kind man who I love to bits and who loves me, in a truly loving and healthy relationship.

I sympathise with OP's situation. I'm sure it's more complex than their post goes into.

It's really not that easy for young people to pack up and move out. It's not straightforward to retrain and 'focus on progressing your career.' Progressing your career doesn't even mean earning more now. Most 20/30 yo friends I have have been on around the same salaries for years despite moving jobs and working long hours. And it costs a fortune to retrain and then you're on the bottom of the ladder again.

I'd rather be living in a stable yet sexless relationship, enjoying a decent standard of living, with someone I get on with than in a grotty houseshare with 3-4 others coming and going at all times of the day and night, stealing my food, hogging the bathroom, nosing around my room when I'm out and bothering me with their petty dramas. 30 is too old for this s**t.

When I was 50. Sex became such an issue and cause of argument be a use DH has ED but won’t admit it….same as OP it’s all my fault (it isn’t).

I’m 66 now so realistically that’s me done with it for ever now 😢

Be a use = because

Sorry, in the LTB camp, no sex isn’t a deal breaker, but blaming in on you being horrible is.
If you’re financially stable now can you start saving to build up a leaving fund? Yes, leaving would be hard, but are a few years of struggling but with the hope of a happy future with children and a man who loves you worth that?
Counselling/therapy might help you decide what you want in your future.
Giving up the prospect of being a mum but being with a man you adore is one thing, giving it up to stay with a man who thinks you’re horrible is quite another.
What do you value in your relationships and future? I went to uni at 31, now do a job based on that that I love, have my own home. Got married at 38. The marriage didn’t work out, but I’m still so much happier than I was in my late 20’s in a different relationship and doing a job that I would never have dreamed possible then.

@crazychick2 we've got a lot in common. I posted here earlier this week asking for strength to leave my husband who spends almost every spare minute looking at porn, his fetish and other women online. I'll be 30 this year but I also feel overwhelmed by the thought of leaving. We have sex once a month, it's quite shit. He never wants more sex, just pleasing himself online. He's been my best friend for so many years. I come from an abusive family and can't count on their support. My two best friends live in different countries. I'm a high earner (3x what my husband makes), but I'm also catastrophing and thinking the second I leave him, I'll lose my job and end up unable to support myself. My whole life has been so volatile and ridden with stress that I'm terrified of such a huge step. No kids here either.

[quote MihaelaCW]@crazychick2 we've got a lot in common. I posted here earlier this week asking for strength to leave my husband who spends almost every spare minute looking at porn, his fetish and other women online. I'll be 30 this year but I also feel overwhelmed by the thought of leaving. We have sex once a month, it's quite shit. He never wants more sex, just pleasing himself online. He's been my best friend for so many years. I come from an abusive family and can't count on their support. My two best friends live in different countries. I'm a high earner (3x what my husband makes), but I'm also catastrophing and thinking the second I leave him, I'll lose my job and end up unable to support myself. My whole life has been so volatile and ridden with stress that I'm terrified of such a huge step. No kids here either.[/quote]
Oh come on this is madness!! You must leave for your own sanity. He is a disrespectful arsehole. You can afford to walk away and build a new life for yourself. You could even do it amicably and keep the friendship.