Husband keeps erotic photos of ex in his bedside drawer

[Disappointedpumpkin]

I recently discovered that my husband of 17 years has been keeping a dozen or so photos of his ex girlfriend posing nude in his bedside drawer for obvious purposes. He did this before we were married and when I found out I was so upset and he promised to get rid of them. Now I feel he has disrespected me beyond repair not to mention the poor girl in the photos. I was heartbroken at first but now I'm wanting to leave him as the relationship has other faults that he has refused to work on. Am I overreacting?

Well done @Disappointedpumpkin xxx

Yep I love mumsnet, am glad you like it too.

[quote berrylands]@Washingtofold
I understand the difference between public and private consent. The ex gave the husband private consent. He didn't share the pictures with the public. That would be a crime. He didn't share the pictures with anyone.
The only point I was trying to make is that it was not up to the wife to destroy them. Just that.[/quote]
If you truly understood the difference between private and public consent you would not assume scarlet Johannson would need to give individual consent and you’d understand that by consenting to a public image you’d be aware people may use that image INDEFINATELY
You’d also understand how that’s very different to someone keeping an image given during a private relationship indefinately once that relationship ends
So no ! Your posts repeatedly show that you don’t understand
And yes it’s is entirely ok for the wife to destroy them
MEN DO HOT HAVE THE RIGHT to keep and use private images given to them during relationships once’s those relationships end !

@TheMotherlode

Do not destroy these photos, however much you feel like it. It's time for a cool head. Take. them, put them somewhere safe and send yourself copies

You may need them in future as leverage in a divorce. Time to protect yourself. 💐💐💐

Just no, I get why you’re saying that, but this is a real person in those photos. Someone who has likely moved on with her life and has no idea he’s kept hold of them. How awful for that poor woman, this is her image and shouldn’t be used in that way. I’m also pretty sure that no divorce lawyer or judge is going to be interested in seeing someone’s nudes as a way of determining a divorce outcome.

You miss my point. Of course you wouldn't go waving them around in court, what an idea. However, the mere knowledge you had them could very helpful in certain situations with an unreasonable corespondent.

I entirely agree with your other point, the disrespect to both women is appalling.

I entirely agree with your other point, the disrespect to both women is appalling.

^This. It’s downright creepy, him having these nude photos of his ex 20 years on. The majority of women would be absolutely horrified if their ex did this. Chances are, he lied to her about destroying them, as he did with the OP.

@Jsku I hear what you are saying and appreciate your input as this was exactly why I was asking. There is nothing specific to this ex for me, I would feel the same if it was any ex. Its the fact that this happened 17 years ago and he saw how upset I was and told me he would destroy them. Now I find he didn't and is using them again he has broken my trust as well as disrespected me. He has narcissistic traits and I have spoken to him in the past and he has said he would get help for this but never has. The role model he sets for the kids is unhealthy as he doesn't work with me as a partnership, he demonstrates power and control as he is the higher earner. I admit I have been in denial for quite some time (over a year) as I don't want our family split, we have a lovely home and a comfortable life and its made me ill just thinking of how this will all pan out. I found the photos in February so have had 4 months to factor the photos in - these were the last straw. If we don't split then I am choosing this life as he isn't willing to make efforts to improve things and I just can't see how I would be happy like this. The pain of the whole situation is killing me.

@Disappointedpumpkin

I understand more than you know. My exH was also a higher earner and tried to control me in many ways. And I also thought I could no longer live like that, as I was unhappy. And my ex wasn’t working with me as a partner - and I mostly felt as if I were a single parent most of the time.
And I am quite lucky as I am able to maintain a good lifestyle post divorce. I got to keep our family home and am comfortable financially. Kids seem to have adjusted.

It has still not easy. And not a magical solution to making your life better. It creates a lot of upset and unhappiness for all involved. And women often do end up worse off.

I don’t get the whole ‘disrespected me’ thing at all, to be honest. Not now, not 17 years ago. Pictures of an ex are memories, part of someone’s past. You getting so upset over those is to me quite strange.
What happened 17 years ago is he told you what you wanted to hear, just to keep peace. But he thought it was unreasonable of you to demand he erased part of his past - which is what those pictures are to him.
He isn’t trying to keep the flame alive - he isn’t in touch with the ex, or any other women. It’s just a memory/fantasy.

I get that you don’t like him much these days. No amount of counselling can change someone’s personality. If he has narcissistic traits - they are here to stay.
In your place - instead of trying to change him - I’d only focus on changing the way he treats you. As this is something he can alter.

It often happens that men like that are only ever forced to change when they are faced with a woman actually ready to walk.
And you should continue walking if this is what you really want, obviously.
Just make sure you plan and prepare.

@jsku do you regret your divorce? Yes we all have a past and normal everyday photos I don't have a problem with at all but photos of the 2 of them having sex etc that he recently decided to "use" rings massive alarm bells for me. You are fortunate that this wouldn't have the same effect on you, how I wish I could be that laid back about it and not feel this hurt- we are all different. This is an incredibly difficult situation for all of us and he has said in the past that he would get help but not bothered. I don't think I can cope with the drama of being ready to walk every time an issue needs resolving- would rather only go through this once to be honest.

photos of the 2 of them having sex etc that he recently decided to "use"

I honestly think most women would be extremely upset by this. Having asked him not to 17 years ago makes it a lot worse, but even without that it's awful IMO. Yes everyone is different but just reassuring you that I don't think you're odd!

@Disappointedpumpkin

By the time I filed the relationship got to a point where if I wanted to have a good settlement I had to divorce.
By that stage we were at a place where we weren’t intimate for quite a long time as I lost any attraction to him. So - if he had pictures of anyone, or in fact even an OW - I would not have cared.

You care - so you must still have feelings for him. And based on that - I am saying take a breath. You are acting on an emotion, and with lists of past resentments built up.
Never a good way to act on the emotions. At least in my opinion.

Do I regret my divorce? It’s not a yes or no question. I regret the impact of it on my kids. I was hoping to wait for them to grow up a bit more before we separated.

And @Disappointedpumpkin - I didn’t mean using the threat of walking as some sort of ongoing way of managing relationship issues.

I meant using the current crisis as a way to see if he will see the light and commit to actual change with some real timeline.
Have you ever considered or been to a couples therapy? It sounds like you as a couple can benefit from it

Disgusting.

And a cosmic level of disrespect to you, your children and even his ex.

And sticking it in the bedside draw shows a brazen level of not caring for your feelings at all.

But it’s more than disgusting. It’s a bit sick and sinister. If he masturbates, then you know what’s going through his head. If you have or had a love life or sex life, you have to wonder was those photographs driving his libido !?

I totally agree with other posters. At the end of a relationship, out of respect for the person in the photos, if they are erotic, should be destroyed or returned. This is the decent and correct thing to do.

But you’ve stated this is only the last straw.

Breaking up a family is hard, leaving a comfortable lifestyle is hard, but living with someone who has such an almost vindictive opinion of you and your feelings will destroy you.

The journey maybe hard and seemingly long at first but there is a happy life out for you !!!!

Bless 🙏

I couldn't be with my partner if he was tugging him self silly to his ex girlfriends pictures. I'm sure he wouldn't want to be with me either if I was getting off to pictures of my ex. Yanbu

I wouldn't bin the photos. How does that help improve your relationship? It has to come from him. And I'd be worried about him turning on you too.
Leave him to his pathetic wank fodder and get out of the relationship

@Disappointedpumpkin

The photos will now be shredded by me as I told him tonight that I want a divorce. If they were normal everyday photos there is no way I would take offence to them, in fact when his mother recently had a stroke I collected together all of her photos and put them in albums for her and the family- these included many of both his exes. We can't change our pasts. Likewise he has enough mags to get his kicks if he needs them. He appears to be mortified tonight but he has disrespected me in other ways in the past and shows all the traits of narcissistic disorder. Tonight's was the hardest conversation I've ever had to instigate and I'm dreading the even harder one of telling the kids. Thank you all for your support, comments and input - I am so glad I found this site and will report back on how its going x

You are a complete warrior. You have taken that first brave step. Remember, this is not your doing- you are trying make this right. You will be much happier in the long run- hang on in there, you are a superhero 👊🏻

Set them on fire.

17 years is a long time to hold onto photos, have you never moved home, have you never looked in his bedside drawer before this week?

It's almost trophy like keeping them, the conquests of his youth.

What a stupid man, bin the photos and good luck with binning him, out of respect he should have destroyed these when he met you.

If you want to take a smaller step. Hide the photos and move into the spare room. It’s completely inappropriate! How old are your kids? Pre or during the exam years?

Ok the wanking to an ex is pretty sad but you can't destroy the photos they are his - and presumably the ex consented to them being taken at the time? My ex ha snide photos of me and I of him why would I destroy them they bring back fond memories.

She consented at the time.

I imagine she'd be shocked and angry/ upset/ freaked out that he's keeping them in his bedside table as wank material all those years later.

I mean it's fucking weird behaviour.

There are literally millions of images for wanking to around.

I think that's really creepy tbh.

I should probably catch up on the thread though!

Ah ok

All the destroy the pics posts.

If they're that important to him I would imagine he's taken pics with his phone and stored away or other copies.

The thing I can't get over is he didn't hide them. Bedside table is hardly a top place to hide your super secret wank pics you promised your wife you'd destroyed years ago, is it?
.I mean that's odd. He wanted to be caught maybe. Or just didn't care enough to have them out of easy reach when he wanted them.