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Original poster

Husband keeps erotic photos of ex in his bedside drawer

122 replies

Disappointedpumpkin · 19/06/2021 21:05

I recently discovered that my husband of 17 years has been keeping a dozen or so photos of his ex girlfriend posing nude in his bedside drawer for obvious purposes. He did this before we were married and when I found out I was so upset and he promised to get rid of them. Now I feel he has disrespected me beyond repair not to mention the poor girl in the photos. I was heartbroken at first but now I'm wanting to leave him as the relationship has other faults that he has refused to work on. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 19/06/2021 22:45

He just had them in his bedside drawer? Not even hidden a bit?

Sounds like he wanted them to be found tbh.

Washingtofold · 19/06/2021 23:47

What a fucking entitled prick . What’s with so many men these days who think women are bloody ornaments and souvenirs
Yep , shred them , don’t tell him just do it , and also any similar pics at all of yours that he has
You can get your life if he is disrespectful enough to do this to you and the ex after they broke up he’d do the same to you in the event of you two splitting

TattoedLady · 20/06/2021 05:36

Men wank, right, but rarely to nude images of a woman they used to be intimately involved with. It's that aspect of his behaviour that crosses a line - you told him it was unacceptable in your relationship, he promised to respect that/ditch the photos but then lied about it for 17yrs. So definitely YANBU!

But tbh I'd advise you not to confront him. You mentioned being too afraid to raise the issue, so don't. It's a surefire way to give him an opportunity to flip the conversation to 'why you aren't respecting his right to privacy...', 'it's not what you think...', or to react in whatever way you're afraid of, or some other BS. I'd take the photos but keep them as proof, somewhere safe. Say nothing to him and deny all knowledge if he asks about them (will he have the balls to ask, unlikely, right).

Then speak with someone you trust, take your time and make your plans. And know that if you leave you're not "pulling your family apart", you are showing your kids what healthy relationships and self-respect look like.

RantyAnty · 20/06/2021 05:48

He's disgusting!
I'd be mortified if an ex who is now married had nude pics from 17 years ago was wanking from them.

SpeakingFranglais · 20/06/2021 05:54

And just there in the drawer with teenagers is the house too? Grim, grim and really grim.

Washingtofold · 20/06/2021 05:54

@RantyAnty

He's disgusting! I'd be mortified if an ex who is now married had nude pics from 17 years ago was wanking from them.
Yes and not to mention that this girl could also be like some kind of teenage girlfriend from the past who could technically be the age of his daughter / her friends depending on the husbands age now ? The OP doesn’t say , so it’s hard to say but that thought makes me want to vomit
persnickle · 20/06/2021 06:06

That's so disrespectful. I'd shred them, leave some naked photos of my ex in a not so hidden place & make a plan to leave.

Nicolastuffedone · 20/06/2021 06:36

I’d keep them, get your paperwork together and take them with me to my solicitor….I wouldn’t get rid of the evidence!

Eviethyme · 20/06/2021 07:25

.... Eww... Who keeps erotic photos of their exs :S i would hate this if it was me, I'm actually feeling grossed out.

I would ditch him as its just wierd, use porn sites by all means but using an ex for his pleasure is just wrong.

Pinchoftums · 20/06/2021 07:28

You will be so strong when you are away from him. What a creep.

LittleRa · 20/06/2021 07:31

@AnneLovesGilbert

That’s disgusting. Why didn’t you watch him get rid of them before or do it yourself? He’s grim. Divorce him.
Why should she have to watch him get rid of them?
SingingInTheShithouse · 20/06/2021 08:52

YADNBU

What a dick, I wonder how he'd feel if you were fiddling with yourself to photos of your exesHmm. Bleugh, what a disgusting specimen of a man if he thinks this is okay. It's massively disrespectful to you & your marriage & his ex Envy

IAmAWomanNotACis · 20/06/2021 08:59

Yes I'd shred the photos, hard to imagine he has his ex's consent to have and to wank over them still, and he certainly doesn't have yours. Possibly I'd post them to her if I knew her address, so that control of the images were back in her hands where they should be.

Nasty nasty entitled wanker of a man, he doesn't respect either you or his ex.

Crikeyalmighty · 20/06/2021 10:10

I find it unbelievable the shit women kind of put up with because they worry quite rightly about kids/housing/income etc. It’s totally unacceptable OP and shows an utter lack of respect and kindness— unless of course he has totally forgotten they are there .

kiddo5467 · 20/06/2021 10:15

@Disappointedpumpkin

I found them in February but with lockdown I've been too afraid to approach the matter but now I have the freedom to. I have 2 teenagers and work part time, I can't cover the bills on this house we would have to sell. It feels like such a huge wrench and I feel guilty for pulling the family apart.

To me it would depend what the other issues are? I'd be absolutely raging over the photos alone but if it was the only issue in 17 years I'm not sure I'd be ending a marriage over it. If it was just one of many issues, he'd be gone

Original poster
Disappointedpumpkin · 20/06/2021 10:26

Thank you for all your comments, ex would have been in her 20s at the time so nothing sinister there, we have moved house 4 times so the photos have moved with him! Plenty of opportunities to get rid. Our bedside drawers are tiny and the socks fall down the back so I had taken the drawer out to retrieve them when I made the discovery, they were not there last year so this has been a deliberate act. I posted on here having already made my mind up to leave, have seen a solicitor etc. Its just that final attempt to reassure myself this is the right thing to do. Thank you all so much, I need to be strong now and have it out with him x

OP posts:
copperpotsalot · 20/06/2021 10:36

He's wanking over the same pictures for 17 years?

Crikey, you're definitely doing the right thing by leaving

cushioncovers · 20/06/2021 10:41

Please don't stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in just because you are afraid of being on your own. I left my exh and was frightened of what the future held but it works out fine and I'm so much happier now start making plans now. There's lots of advice out there. Get a Free 30 minutes app with a family law solicitor and go from there.

TheVanguardSix · 20/06/2021 11:03

I found them in February but with lockdown I've been too afraid to approach the matter but now I have the freedom to.

Good words. Strong words. You have found the freedom to approach him... and face your worst fear, which is the unraveling of a marriage that has already come undone thanks to his selfish actions, actions that took no other family members into account.
Your strength is your finest friend. Hold onto it dearly. It is your cavalry. You won't even recognise yourself when you leave. It's an amazing feeling... releasing those sad fucking shackles. I did it in my first marriage. I levitated, didn't know I could be such a powerhouse on my own. I've been wearing steel-toed, ass-kicking Zen boots ever since. Like the ruby slippers, you never take 'em off, OP, once you have 'em on!

And also, this:
He's wanking over the same pictures for 17 years? Crikey, you're definitely doing the right thing by leaving

Good God. Even his patheticism is pathetic!

Hopeisnotastrategy · 20/06/2021 11:39

Do not destroy these photos, however much you feel like it. It's time for a cool head. Take. them, put them somewhere safe and send yourself copies.

You may need them in future as leverage in a divorce. Time to protect yourself. 💐💐💐

TheMotherlode · 20/06/2021 14:54

Do not destroy these photos, however much you feel like it. It's time for a cool head. Take. them, put them somewhere safe and send yourself copies

You may need them in future as leverage in a divorce. Time to protect yourself. 💐💐💐

Just no, I get why you’re saying that, but this is a real person in those photos. Someone who has likely moved on with her life and has no idea he’s kept hold of them. How awful for that poor woman, this is her image and shouldn’t be used in that way. I’m also pretty sure that no divorce lawyer or judge is going to be interested in seeing someone’s nudes as a way of determining a divorce outcome.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/06/2021 14:59

Well, as OP quite clearly says this comes on top of other issues...

It's so dehumanising isn't it? He is using 20 year old pictures of a woman he used to know, who probably has moments of fear he has kept the bloody things, to wank over, even when married and asked to get rid of them.

It's says so much about him, none of it good.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/06/2021 15:01

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Do not destroy these photos, however much you feel like it. It's time for a cool head. Take. them, put them somewhere safe and send yourself copies.

You may need them in future as leverage in a divorce. Time to protect yourself. 💐💐💐

Having photos (presumably taken with consent) of an ex and using them to wank is hurtful, upsetting and frankly gross. Icky AF. Especially after so long.

Those photos are not however, something a judge would want or need to see during legal proceedings and this poor woman's image shouldn't be weaponised. If she wasn't underage or coerced, him still owning the photos is gross and disrespectful but not illegal.

ViewFromTheSteeple · 20/06/2021 15:04

Get prepared, take copies of all the documents you can and go see a solicitor to find out where you stand if you split.

Could you increase your working hours to full time?

berrylands · 20/06/2021 17:05

You have no right to shred the pictures. They do not belong to you. I would be raging if a partner would destroy the pictures of my previous boyfriends.
Having said that, he's an ass. Pack his bags and remember to put the pictures in.