Husband keeps erotic photos of ex in his bedside drawer

[Disappointedpumpkin]

I recently discovered that my husband of 17 years has been keeping a dozen or so photos of his ex girlfriend posing nude in his bedside drawer for obvious purposes. He did this before we were married and when I found out I was so upset and he promised to get rid of them. Now I feel he has disrespected me beyond repair not to mention the poor girl in the photos. I was heartbroken at first but now I'm wanting to leave him as the relationship has other faults that he has refused to work on. Am I overreacting?

[quote IAmAWomanNotACis]@Berrylands do you really honestly think the ex would be happy that he still has them and is still wanking over them?!

A photo of a fully clothed ex is a totally different thing and yes I'd be really pissed off if anybody destroyed one of mine. But when they're naked or suggestive, common sense says the same rules do not apply.[/quote]
I don't know what the ex would think, and neither do you. Personally if I had shared naked pictures with a bf 20 years ago I would think it's up to him to destroy them or not. Everyone has different attitudes towards sharing intimate pictures though.
But that's not the topic :). The husband is horrible and the OP mentions other problems in the relationship. That would be the end for me I think. But I would let him keep the pictures, they might be his only company soon

@berrylands

When people give consent for a partner to have their nude pictures and masturbate to them during a relationship that consent does not extend ‘ttill death do is part ‘
If a couple break up i don’t know one woman alive who would be comfortable with an ex from 17 yrs ago having and using these types of pics and most certainly women do not have to tolerate being in relationships with me who do such violating things either
By your logic , these images belong to HIM , not the wife , not the ex, huh
It’s THAT attitude that incels justify posting revenge porn of exes on the internet
If you’re ok for him to ‘ own’ those images are you also ok for him to share them with friends , media etc.
Where is the line drawn .
The line should be drawn, once they break up images should be returned or destroyed. It’s the decent think to do . In the VERY very least they should have been destroyed when he married
If you think men are entitled to sexually use womens images given to them during a relationship regardless of break up you need to reassess your boundaries and or attitudes towards women’s consent

@Iusedtolustafterarmiehammer

Queen bee What would you like to know 😀

And this is the first time I’ve posted so not sure if I’m doing it right

That is quite the debut.

@berrylands
‘I don't know what the ex would think, and neither do you. Personally if I had shared naked pictures with a bf 20 years ago I would think it's up to him to destroy them or not. ‘

That’s no different to saying
Oh I don’t know what the attitude of the woman who’s had her images posted without consent is amd neither do you ‘

Sorry but that’s a really disgusting attitude
Commonsense tells you it’s inappropriate , disrespectful and creepy as shit to do what he’s doing
Most women want to stand against men doing that type of crap on 2020
Scary to think that some are making excuses by saying ‘ oh we don’t know her attitude ‘

It’s THAT attitude that incels justify posting revenge porn of exes on the internet

Nevermind the incels on the Internet, we apparently have a woman boasting about committing revenge porn in village telegraph poles on the thread. Against another woman.

@RickiTarr

It’s THAT attitude that incels justify posting revenge porn of exes on the internet

Nevermind the incels on the Internet, we apparently have a woman boasting about committing revenge porn in village telegraph poles on the thread. Against another woman.

Scary isn’t it , but you’ll always get the small minority of women who will side with the shit many men do and behave disgustingly themselves . Seems some think that access to women’s bodies is men’s ‘right ‘

It’s scary and depressing.

The photos will now be shredded by me as I told him tonight that I want a divorce. If they were normal everyday photos there is no way I would take offence to them, in fact when his mother recently had a stroke I collected together all of her photos and put them in albums for her and the family- these included many of both his exes. We can't change our pasts. Likewise he has enough mags to get his kicks if he needs them. He appears to be mortified tonight but he has disrespected me in other ways in the past and shows all the traits of narcissistic disorder. Tonight's was the hardest conversation I've ever had to instigate and I'm dreading the even harder one of telling the kids. Thank you all for your support, comments and input - I am so glad I found this site and will report back on how its going x

@ RickiTarr
I suppose it is but It brought back memories and I’m not a sit back and do nothing person so I took revenge as she knew he was living with me and had a baby with me.

I'm 48 and feel very anxious about what kind of future might now lay ahead of me

I was 46 when I left my ex. It’s a hard process to go through of course, for you and the kids, but I can tell you life is so much happier now. I love not having to deal with a man in my home. Many women have the same fears and almost always end up loving their new life. It will be ok

@Disappointedpumpkin

You’re amazing and strong . You’re children are very fortunate to have a mother like you

@Washingtofold
I understand sharing pictures as an act of trust between two people. I would trust the guy that has my pictures won't share them. It's a very clear line. Revenge porn is a crime.
By your logic, men wanking to a provocative magazine cover of, let's say, Scarlett Johansson, are violating her and she should reassess her boundaries and make clear the allowed uses of her pictures.
It's an image, ffs. You are giving it a power that I don't think it has. If the husband wants to think of the ex when wanking he'll do it with or without pictures. Keeping them next to the bed he shares with his wife is absolutely disgusting though, especially after having seen how much that hurt her in the past. I think it shows he doesn't care at all about her feelings. And that he is an asshole generally

Urgh disgusting level of disrespect for women in general to do this to you and his ex. You’ve done the right thing.

Vile. Ewww, dump him. But destroy the photos of the poor lass first!

Good luck @Disappointedpumpkin

@Disappointedpumpkin

The photos will now be shredded by me as I told him tonight that I want a divorce. If they were normal everyday photos there is no way I would take offence to them, in fact when his mother recently had a stroke I collected together all of her photos and put them in albums for her and the family- these included many of both his exes. We can't change our pasts. Likewise he has enough mags to get his kicks if he needs them. He appears to be mortified tonight but he has disrespected me in other ways in the past and shows all the traits of narcissistic disorder. Tonight's was the hardest conversation I've ever had to instigate and I'm dreading the even harder one of telling the kids. Thank you all for your support, comments and input - I am so glad I found this site and will report back on how its going x

I wish you well. xxx

@Iusedtolustafterarmiehammer

Queen bee What would you like to know 😀

And this is the first time I’ve posted so not sure if I’m doing it right

hahaa yes quite a debut...

did DH know you posted them around the village?

did She know ?

was it perhaps years prior to revenge porn laws?

Crikey lady you have BALLS 🤣

@Disappointedpumpkin

Im so sorry but I agree you have done the right thing 🌸

Goodness that is weird and creepy and complete grounds for ending the marriage - he lied for 17 years! You clearly stated your boundaries and he shit all over them.

As others have said the only decent thing to do is destroy the images. I definitely wouldn't attempt to track her down and return them, that would potentially cause her huge humiliation and upset. As another woman the kindest thing to do would be to never show them to another person and destroy them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Keep in mind that it's HIS actions that are causing the split not yours, it's not your guilt to carry

[quote berrylands]@Washingtofold
I understand sharing pictures as an act of trust between two people. I would trust the guy that has my pictures won't share them. It's a very clear line. Revenge porn is a crime.
By your logic, men wanking to a provocative magazine cover of, let's say, Scarlett Johansson, are violating her and she should reassess her boundaries and make clear the allowed uses of her pictures.
It's an image, ffs. You are giving it a power that I don't think it has. If the husband wants to think of the ex when wanking he'll do it with or without pictures. Keeping them next to the bed he shares with his wife is absolutely disgusting though, especially after having seen how much that hurt her in the past. I think it shows he doesn't care at all about her feelings. And that he is an asshole generally[/quote]
This absolutely highlights what you’re missing
Scarlett Johannson , ( or a person posing naked in a public arena ) by posting her image PUBLICALLY knows that image is available to all INDEFINTELY!!!

A woman giving an intimate partner a photo of herself naked does not give the same implicit consent !!!!

As for me giving a woman’s naked image more power than it has
Wow , just wow
Ut has HUGE power . Unfortunately , in case you had t heard women’s naked images are used to shame , harrass , discriminate against and have led to suicide when misused
Are you a male or female btw
I’d be even more shocked if your a woman if you don’t understand the difference between public and private consent and the difference between how public / private consent and also how women’s naked images are frequently used to damage them

Wow. You poor thing OP.

Your husband has such entitlement. It’s like he still feels he owns his exes body and hasn’t let her go. Imagination is one thing, photos another.
And so demeaning to you, to be so blatant and have them in the drawer. Not even try to hide them.

Have you any fears about how he will react?

@Disappointedpumpkin

You don’t need a reason to divorce, if you are unhappy. So - if you have reached the point where bad outweighs the good in the relationship - you are doing the right thing.
Irrespective of the upheaval and hardships or may bring.

But if it really is all about being ‘disrespected’ with some pictures from almost 20 years ago - for me it’s an overreaction. Unless there is some back story. Why does this specific ex threaten you so much?

I am saying it because you seem to not care if he has porn that is images of other women. But these specific pictures appear to be a problem. So it must be something about that specific ex and what you felt about her?

Incidentally - an old bf emailed me a few days ago as he found some old pictures (not nudes)of me and sent some screenshots. Was also from about 20 years back. We exchanged a few messages, just chit chat. He possibly has some of me naked as well, if he kept them. The thought doesn’t bother me at all. If he were to wank to them - it won’t be to me, as I am now. It’d be to some memory in the past. A fantasy, in other words.
So - you really don’t know whether your H’s ex cares at all.

You clearly do and I honestly can’t understand why. By now those picture are just a memory that is familiar to him. Maybe he likes some sort of fantasy with familiar imagery.

You don’t expect him (or anyone really) to only ever fantasise about and wank to the image of their spouse?

I am the same age as you, OP. And I find that as we reach menopause, many of my friends seem to reach the end of our tether with our Hs. And are unhappy. And many seem go for divorce, as a way of not being unhappy anymore.
I have also done it. Divorce became final in the last year.
But what I have also found, having gone though it - is how hard it is. And also - that not all of our unhappiness is actually due to the relationship. With divorce my life didn’t miraculously get happier. Some things did improve, and others became worse.

I know you are emotional now and are unlikely to hear me. But please - do take a breath and think about what you actually want in life. You seem to be moving with a lighting speed.

@Washingtofold
I understand the difference between public and private consent. The ex gave the husband private consent. He didn't share the pictures with the public. That would be a crime. He didn't share the pictures with anyone.
The only point I was trying to make is that it was not up to the wife to destroy them. Just that.